#mnfair

I was going through my archives tonight looking for some old pictures. I came across this post that I wrote in 2011. I opened it because it was my recap of the state fair (so I thought). It turns out that it was exactly what I needed to hear from myself today. I've been struggling with body image lately. You could say I have been mourning my smaller self. So much has changed in the last two years, but deep down in my core, some things never change.

Exhibit A. Eating corn at the MN State Fair. This was a brilliant, pseudo healthy choice, sandwiched between several distinctly terrible choices.

Most people will tell you that they go to the fair for the food. It’s that one special day each year when you can eat deep fried yum-nummies in large quantities without feeling guilty about it. I used to be one of those people. I would eat everything in sight and not care. It’s easier to justify your actions when every one around you is doing the same thing. Sometimes I wish I was still oblivious to calories in, calories out and all the work it takes to balance those two out. Now I stress about going to the fair. What can I eat? What will I eat? Will I lose control? How much weight will I gain?

Exhibit B. Admiring my lovely, chocolatey fudge puppy.

Intellectually, I know I work out more than the average person. I eat healthfully 90% of the time. For that reason, I can splurge a few days a year without doing any real harm. Emotionally, it is far more complicated. I worry about gaining the weight back. I worry that I will lose control and not be able to get back on track after a pig out. I know it’s not rational, but obesity is an addiction. You have to eat to live, so unlike chemical dependency, you can’t truly kick the habit.

Recovering from obesity, in many ways, is no different than recovering from drug or alcohol addiction. You have to make a conscious decision everyday to change a specific behavior. The cravings never go away, they dull a bit, but it’s all about making a choice to lead a different life. It’s sad that as a country, we are becoming obese at such an alarming rate. We view fat people as lazy and disgusting as opposed to having a disease.

Exhibit C. Blackberry sundae from the dairy barn. At least it had fruit on it.

We often don’t think about the motivation behind the weight gain. Happy people don’t eat their way to 250 lbs. But as a society we think that once you lose the weight everything will be fine. The problems will melt away with the fat and everything will be sparkly and new. I’m going to have to call bullshit on that one.

Am I happier in general now that I am no longer obese? Absolutely. However, my rapid weight loss was not very conducive to the mental healing that needed to happen. It took a long time for my head to catch up with where my body was at. I still have an annoyingly strained relationship with food. I have all the tools I need to eat healthfully, and happily for the rest of my life, but my mind is amazing at derailing me at the most crucial moments. It can convince me to eat things that I know I will regret immensely and sometimes I let it convince me out of spite. That may sound strange, but I keep myself on a pretty short leash nutritionally. Sometimes I feel like I have to lash out and cheat. The only one who suffers is me (and the husband, because he has to listen to my raving). I’m pretty good at beating myself up.

Exhibit D. I heart corndogs.

Here is what I think needs to happen. Support those around you if they are trying to get healthy. Not just physically, but emotionally. Let’s talk about why we became unhealthy and what we need to do to move past it. I hope to stop agonizing over every small decision I make, but until then, I’m going to be honest about my struggle. Tell me about yours. Let’s help each other and pay it forward.