I sometimes feel robbed of my culture, and I wonder if anyone else can relate. I'm mixed, my dad's from El Salvador while my mom is from Sweden, which is where I also live and grew up. I have never been to El Salvador and I've always lived pretty far away from the rest of my dad's family. I don't speak any Spanish because my dad was the one always working when I grew up, and I guess he just never had the time to teach me or my siblings. That on its own is pretty alienating, since the few times I meet my paternal relatives I can't communicate well with a lot of them. I've been wanting to learn Spanish recently, but I feel embarassed because I will have an accent and probably struggle a lot, yet a lot of people expect me to be fluent.
I never experienced the typical Latinx family dynamics or closeness because of the physical distance. Hell, I don't even know the names of most of my relatives, or in what way we're related. The only way I feel connected to that part of my heritage is food, as a few dishes from my dad's childhood also became part of mine. I didn't get to take part in traditions or anything and it feels weird. I've never been "Swedish enough" for the people around me, but I don't really feel Latinx or Salvadorian enough either. Sure, people can tell when they look at me or hear my last name, but I feel like an impostor. Everytime I watch movies like Encanto or Coco or read books like Cemetery Boys, I can't help but feel a bit sad because I'm missing that own closeness and connection to my culture. It's the same when I hear Spanish songs or overhear my dad talking to his sisters on the phone.
There are many things about my childhood I wish was different, and I almost feel silly for being so upset about this particular thing. But still, I keep wishing I had at the very least been taught the language. Maybe I'm just overreacting and being self centered, or there are others who feel the same. I don't really know, I just know I'm sad and upset and feel like I'm missing out
