#missbehaviour

5 in the morn'. I just smoked a joint to relax. I've been msisrespecting my own self for 9 months, straight up to erasing my personality, for I am in love with somebody who doesn't want me at all. For nine months I've experienced the highest and the lowest feelings, I've been in love only with them and then with everyone; I felt right next to death. I was either numb or very sad. Now I can't express how I'm feeling. I am probably feeling nothing. Nothing at all. Have you ever experienced your darkest side throughout a person? Have you ever been so desperately desiring them back to you? Have you ever used your body to be loved? I did. And probably I was either mad, or hopeless, or lost in confusion. But I swear I love that boy, I swear I gave him everything I had, on the good and on the bad side, straight up to hell when I feel lonely. I never know how I'm going to feel later. I don't know what's going on. I know for sure I want them back so bad I can't think straight and no matter how many lovers I could have had, he was ever within my mind and my deepest desire. I addressed numerous love letters to him; many times I have hated him. But overall, I gave him all my affection, all my attention. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't know. I don't fucking know ,what am I supposed to do with all my madness? Why can't I be quiet? Why the fuck am I waiting awake for him to text me back so that after a good sleep I won't turn blue, now that I am so numb I can't turn a fucking light on? For God's sake, please boy. I hate myself for having misrespected myself so much. But I don't feel a fuck.