#miscellenous

”It’s occupied again.” He grinned, pointing his chin to the descending stairs. Jaehyun nodded politely, making his way to the basement.

One of his favourite parts of this place was just how it embraced being out of place, a relic of a time that Jaehyun couldn’t imagine. The basement was even more so, all the unsold records since its inception relegated to this dusty, sunless room that seemed to hang somewhere outside space and time. Each shelf threatened to cave under the weight of all the music that came before, yet seemingly the sturdiest things he had ever seen. Everytime he entered this space, walked down those rotting wooden stairs, Jaehyun felt like he was in a museum. This is how a museum should make one feel, he figured. Like an insignificant speck amongst an ocean of relevance. All the records here felt to overwhelming to approach, the music in them meant to outlast even him. It almost felt wrong to touch them without knowing what they were, and there were far too many to ever make a satisfying random choice. But he liked the space enough, sheepishly carrying down some brand new records to listen to in the solitude, feeling like an imposter.

Most days he got to stew in that feeling by himself, not a lot of people came into the store on weekdays. Even less came down to the dusty, sunless basement, filled to the ceiling with records in yellowing sleeves. But the past month or so, a girl started coming in more and more, using the only player available on this floor, an old thing that felt out of place on the modern top floor, yet still too sturdy to throw away. He had started by using the time to finally look around the basement, to take in some of the records in hopes of being less daunted by them. But as the days passed, the girl seemed to spend more and more time on the player.

Unlike the last three or four times, the sight of the girl didn’t annoy him. Apart from being warned by the attendant, he realised that he had spent his walk to the record shop wondering about her. 

As usual, she sat cross-legged on the dusty carpet, hunched over the player and cupping the headphones that were much too big for her head. The shell of a record lay beside her, Duke Ellington today. 

It had been Coltrane last time, and Jaehyun dragged himself to where she usually shoved her records in after finishing. His fingers traced the red letters against the blue sleeve, the paper curling with age. When he turned it over he was almost shocked. Four songs, two on each side. He could listen to that. He grinned to himself at the initiative, pressing the record against his chest as he weaved into the shelves to explore some more.

Jaehyun hovered like he usually did, waiting just in case she was done with the player. He sighed as he pulled out a record absentmindedly, eyes honed in on her back like it would telepathically get his message across.

Air sliced beside him followed by a loud series of crashes. Two heads turned to the source.

Somehow, Jaehyun had managed to make an entire shelf of records come loose. He prayed to every god he could remember that they did not break. The sheer weight of that destruction would crush him.

”Are you okay?” The voice behind him sounded perturbed. 

Jaehyun had to brush off his embarrassment, turning with his best charming smile.

“What the hell, dude?” Another voice made them both turn, the shop’s attendant leaning from the very top of the stairs.

”Sorry!” Jaehyun winced, “I’ll clean it up!” He chuckled unceremoniously, exhaling in relief when the man just huffed and went back to his counter.

A second pair of hands joined his effort. When he looked up, there were no headphones on her ear. Behind her the player finally left unattended.

”You’re always here.” She gave him a suspicious look that made Jaehyun’s ears heat up more than they already had.

”So are you,” He mumbled his shoddy defense.

”Yeah, but I don’t stare at you the entire time.” Her brows creased further, his ears now boiling.

”I want to use the player but you’re always on it.” He spoke after several moments, sounding to himself worthy of her suspicions.

”Oh,” She looked up briefly from sorting the records, “You should have just asked.” She mumbled, standing up with the last of the records.

Jaehyun had nothing to say to that, the silence eating away at his dignity.

 She walked up to the player, removing the Ellington record and gathering her things.

”All yours.” She pointed at it before walking away.

”Thanks!” He announced for the back, “For the player and the help.” He pressed the Coltrane tighter against his chest, not even sure why he wanted her to notice. She did not, scurrying away instead. Jaehyun thought she nodded but she did not turn.

_

”I’m Jaehyun, by the way.” He announced the next time he saw her, reaching his hand out.

”I know who you are.” She spoke to the floor, removing the headphones and gathering her things, “You gave me your notes on Keynes last semester. I passed econ because of that.”

”Oh.” He failed to recall, feeling guilty for the slight. When she went to take out her record he stopped her.

”Do you mind if I listen to that?” He questioned, eyeing the record’s cover— “The Essential Glenn Miller”.

”Sure. It’s not mine.” She got up, brushing dust off her jeans.

He wanted to ask her if the two other records lying there were also her choice, but she didn’t look in the mood to converse.

_

The time after that, Jaehyun was in a café with Johnny between classes. She walked by them, earphones tucked in and chin tucked down. Jaehyun watched her walk by, idly wondering what she was listening to. Johnny seemed to catch the movement, making Jaehyun catch himself.

”Hey, (Y/N).” He stopped her with a raised arm hitting her belly, “I still have your pen.”

”You have more than one.” She frowned, before surprising Jaehyun by smiling at Johnny, “What’s up?”

”Just waiting for my next class,” He pointed at the table. She strayed a look at Jaehyun before turning back to Johnny, “Do you know if we have Dr Richard’s class today?” He asked.

”Cancelled.” She shrugged, “Didn’t you have a date today, anyway?” 

Johnny laughed, “I can’t believe you remember that.”

”I wouldn’t know it at all if you learned to shut up during class.” She scoffed, earning a quick snigger from Johnny.

”You both don’t have classes together this time?” Johnny asked after a moment, pointing to Jaehyun.

”What business would I have sharing classes with someone in such a different major?”

”You mean, what business do you have sharing classes with a business major?” Johnny wiggled his brows, earning two independent scoffs.

”Okay, chuckles. It was nice catching up, but I have a class.” She put a hand on his shoulder, turning to give Jaehyun a single nod.

”Want me to set you up?” Johnny asked with his teasing tone, making Jaehyun’s ears heat.

”Like I have the time to date.” Jaehyun mumbled.

_

“Is that Spanish?” Jaehyun squinted at the record.

She nodded, handing him the headphones.

”Will you suggest something to listen to?”

”This is a nice record.” She pointed at the one in the player, turning behind her, “So is this but they’re not jazz.”

”That’s fine. I can trust your taste.” He said in stride, neck heating up when she looked up at him, “I mean–“

”I got what you mean.” She interjected, lips twitching.

She left the record in when she got up, giving him a nod to signal the passing of the baton, a ritual they had established in the past month or so. Jaehyun eyed the song list on the cover, deciding to start with the last track she left.

Jaehyun was enjoying orienting himself to the new style of music, looking up the ones he did like to save for later. He was so deep in this search that a hand on his shoulder made him jerk back with a gasp. He heard a string of apologies when he took the headphones off.

”Sorry, I didn’t want to disturb you but it's getting late and I need to get home,” She winced, a record in her hand, “You will like this I think, if the records you leave are any indicator.”

Jaehyun grinned at that, “Are we the only people who use this player?” He turned his amusement to her, glancing at the record— Amor, it read, with the name Eydie Gormé written in yellow beside what he assumed was the woman’s face.

”Yeah, mostly.” She gave him an awkward grin in return, “Track 10 on this is a personal favourite.” She nudged the vinyl in her hand, reminding Jaehyun to take it. “Enjoy.” She gave him an awkward wave to match, turning away. He tugged at her jeans, making her look down. When he patted on the floor she gave him a questioning brow.

In response Jaehyun turned to the player, smiling to himself as he pulled the headphones out and put his own wired earphones in. Putting one into his ear, he raised the other to her expectantly.

”Just want to get your run down on the basics. What are your favourites on the first two?” He smiled, putting all his charm into a smile she missed the first time. She looked like she wanted to say something, but sat down after a moment instead.

_

“At least I don’t listen to modern music on vinyl.” She said the words with a contempt that made Jaehyun’s side ache with an oncoming laugh.

”At least I am not a snob.” He retorted, making her swallow whatever words were going to come out. Jaehyun let his ensuing laugh spew out, lying down on the dusty carpet to ease the pain in his stomach.

”You don’t know enough to be a snob.” She said after several moments, the sting of the words fading with the delay.

”That’s true,” He spoke to the molding ceiling, looking up at her next, “That’s what you’re here for,” He ran his tongue under his cheeks, playing with a grin, “Snob.”

”Thanks.” She scoffed, bumping her knee into his abdomen. Jaehyun writhed at the action, sitting up with some new words that were interrupted by a knock on the ceiling. They turned to the stairs.

”Time to go, kids. I have to close shop.” 

Jaehyun sighed under his breath.

”Can I drop you to your dorm?” He asked once they left the store, ready to walk in the opposite direction as usual.

She seemed to think over his words, lips parted with some unsaid answer. She swallowed, “I don’t live on campus.” She smiled after a second, “It’s really sweet of you to offer though.”

”Oh,” Jaehyun pondered over the words, “With your parents?”

”With my little brother actually. It isn’t too far from here actually, my parents were professors on campus so we still have the house.”

”Oh,” He noted the past tense and she noted his realisation.

”I inherited my music from my mother, actually. Literally because she left all her records. Our player broke last year so I come here now.”

”Quite the inheritance. I should be grateful to her.” He shuffled, unsure how to navigate the conversation. When she smiled he felt at ease.

“You absolutely should. She would turn in her grave if she was someone listening to, what was it?” She pretended to recall.

“Usher.” He tongued the inside if his cheek.

“Usher!” She gasped, “The horror would be too much.” She laughed.

“For a snob like you, maybe. I think your mother would have been more accommodating.” 

She snorted, “That’s her alright,” Her tone was dripping in sarcasm, “accommodating.” Some thought seemed to leech the colour in her eyes before she slapped her thigh and took a step back, “I need to get to the bus stop in fifteen minutes. See you next week.”

“I lowballed by way into a car, so next week I might just drop you home, if you’re less of a snob about Usher.” Jaehyun grinned to mask the anticipation in his tone.

She smiled, her grin reaching her eyes in a way he hadn’t experienced before.

“In that case, neither of us should hold our breaths.”

_

"Have you finished applying?" (Y/N) asked when she remembered that Jaehyun's deadlines were near. When he didn't answer, she turned over.

"What's wrong?" She asked, inching a little closer when he avoided meeting her gaze.

"I've finished putting my applications together, I'm just waiting for the right time to send it." He spoke up after a moment, giving her a clipped smile and throwing an arm over her waist.

(Y/N) looked at his face carefully, tucking a hand between the cheek and pillow and taking in the skittish look in his eyes.

"You can't just hold your applications hostage because you're afraid of being rejected." She sighed, reading him like an open book.

Jaehyun looked a little conflicted at first, closing his eyes to avoid her piercing gaze and huffing in clear frustration.

(Y/N) wondered if she overstepped. It was easy to read his little tells for her by now, to categorise the things that made him Jaehyun. It was something she mostly tried to keep to herself, but this seemed important enough to make her speak. Yet now, with his eyes closed and brows squeezed, (Y/N) wondered if it simply wasn't her place as the fringe friend.

Her worries would have swallowed her whole, but then Jaehyun opened his eyes with a clear defeated look. "What if I'm not good enough?" He whispered, looking at her with palpable vulnerability that made her ribs shake.

Her smile was pained, the words resonating deep inside her. Yet what was a fear of possibility for him, was a reality for her.

"That, unfortunately, is not up to you to decide.” She cooed, pursing her lips when his eyes flung open. Clearly, he hadn’t expected that. Maybe he was hoping for a false lull of reassurance. She sighed, “There's always going to be something you aren't good enough at. That's just the way things are." She reached out to push his hair back, smiling fondly when he nuzzled into the touch like the creature of comfort he was. "Whether it's something you're incredible at or something that isn't for you, you won't know till you try. Will you?" She questioned, smiling when Jaehyun nodded with a pout. Like a child being encouraged.

"Anyway," She smiled, "You're not even close to not being good enough. Nobody works harder than you. It'll work out for you because you deserve it." She said with a certainty that came from an innate knowing.

(Y/N) firmly believed that people got what they deserved, no more no less. And having seen Jaehyun through the years, she knew he had earned his dream.

"As the gatekeeper of mediocrity," she nudged him, veiling her self assessment in a joke. She laughed when he clicked his tongue, "I refuse to accept you as a part of our community. You're just going to have to spend your days being extraordinary." She clicked her tongue back, squealing when his fingers dug into her side to press her against his chest.

"Who called you mediocre? Want me to pretend I'm mean and violent so I can scare them off?" Jaehyun nuzzled against her neck, nibbling the sensitive skin till she squirmed.

"You can try." She gasped when he replaced his teeth with an open mouthed kiss. "But it's unfortunate that I already know you're neither of those things."

Jaehyun groaned into her neck at the words and she had to laugh, choking on it the next moment when Jaehyun swiftly pushed her back into the mattress, his weight pressing down on her from above.

His kisses turned sloppier, leaving wet trails over her neck and shoulders till her gut churned and twisted.

Jaehyun kissed up her jaw, stopping to leave a lingering kiss at the corner of her mouth, "I'm not extraordinary. I'm just always scared to lose." His words were a timid confession, so soft that she would have missed it had he been a hair's length further.

She lowered her gaze, meeting his wary eyes so close. His candid mood was a rare one, hardly seen outside of the four corners of this mattress. But it was always so honest, so him. As two people who never voiced their grievances in fear of being perceived as weak, moments like this seemed to be a bigger secret between them than their strange relationship.

Jaehyun buried his head into her neck, arms holding her sides. It took another moment for her to get out of her thoughts, to realise that Jaehyun was hugging her.

"Life isn't a race, Jaehyun." She mumbled in his ear, hand coming up to card through his soft hair. "Not when everyone always tries to avoid the finish line." She laughed, earning a smile against her shoulder from him. "All we can do is go along for the ride, throw things at a wall and hope something sticks."

"When can I stop throwing things?" He mumbled along, voice small and still hiding in her neck.

"Whenever you want. I know what you'll say," She added when she heard him sucking in a breath, "It's not that easy. But it is. You can take a break, or stop throwing whenever you feel like it. Nobody will scold you, I can't speak for others but I'd never judge you." She dared to squeeze her arms around him, hugging him back. 

"You can stop trying anytime if that's what you need." With a sigh, she rested her forehead against his cheek, "You've already done so much. You're already incredible, Jaehyun." A lump formed in her throat at the words, her own fear of losing him taking hold of her for just a moment.

"I just really want to go to this school. It's the best and I need to prove to myself that I deserve it. That I'm good enough to get in." His words got her out of her own selfish motivation. He wasn't hers to lose. Jaehyun belonged to his aspirations and she reminded herself that it was also one of the reasons she loved him.

"If you don't get in it won't be because you're not good enough. It'll be because someone was just better." She reassured, continuing to stroke his head.

"That is me not being good enough." His words were reluctant, like he himself could tell that he was being petulant.

"No it's just someone having different circumstances than you." She sighed, tone softening. "I know you won't listen, but I just want you to remember that. People don't have to always be better or worse than you. They can simply be different."

It was something she wondered all the time with him, a hint of her own insecurities making her sound cold. With how he saw the world, (Y/N) couldn't help but wonder how he placed her in his arbitrary list. Wherever she stood, it had to be lower than him. She preferred not to ponder over how that made her feel.

_

Jaehyun slid into the booth, grinning at her. Ever since his acceptance, he smiled a lot more.

”You sounded urgent on the phone, what’s up?” Jaehyun asked, sliding his foot forward to nudge hers.

”Umm,” She tried to meet his gaze but cowered, “You want a drink? I might get a beer.” She got out of her seat, “One for you too?”

Jaehyun nodded, a little confused and a little scared.

It came like a slap to his face. She said the words without any follow-up, no explanation. On Jaehyun’s part, he was too hesitant to ask. He was leaving after all. It shouldn’t have felt like it did, but the words rung in his ears just like a slap would. When the silent moments turned into minutes, she got out of the seat. 

He should have said something, Jaehyun wanted to say something; anything at all. But his tongue felt like lead. After all, what was the point? This was what was supposed to happen.