#miriam.

TEXT || MIRIAM&NAOMI

TEXT || MIRIAM&{REBEL}

What’s the one prayer all rich soccer moms have printed on a piece of wood in their dining rooms? God, grant me the serenity not to lose my shit at work? Something like that. Whatever it is, I need it. I don’t wait tables for fun, I do it because my boss at the rink doesn’t pay me enough to skate by (pun fully fucking intended) on one job. So next time one of my students and their family comes in to eat some over-priced kale salad, I expect them to have the decency to leave an actual tip. Not write on the receipt “is there any greater joy than getting to teach my sweet baby?” Yes Deborah, there are a lot of greater goddamn joys than that, up to and including: an unnecessary root canal, undrugged childbirth, and assembling IKEA furniture without instructions. Settle down, give me my 15%, and tell your kid to stop picking his nose during practice.

Sit down folks, we’re gonna have a chit chat. I’ve had to sit through years of hearing old white men prattle on about football and baseball players, and yet the second I try to contribute to their sports convos, they have the balls to say figure skating ain’t a real sport but it’s “cute” that I think so. So what we’re not gonna do is live our lives another moment without acknowledging how Rika Kihira, aka my daughter, set the new world record for ladies’ short program score. Bitch is sixteen and landed three triples in one program, what have y’all done with your week? Not that, I can tell you that much. Respect a future queen.

TEXT || MIRIAM&NAOMI

I get that everyone wants to think their kid is the best at everything they do and a prodigy in the making, but let me tell you, there comes a point where you gotta accept that your spawn might be mediocre at best. Sorry Debra, but little Tommy threw a temper tantrum and tried to say his skates were broken when he kept tripping over his own feet. He also shoved three gummy bears up his nose during break and then cried when he fell up the stairs. For God’s sake, dude asked what pattern my dress was last week and then proceeded to tell me I was an idiot when I said zebra print because it didn’t look anything like the damn Little Debbie snack. Okay? The kid’s not gonna win any medals anytime soon, so have another mimosa and read him a book instead of acting like he’s the next Brian Boitano.

@leighmu​