#millenial problems

I'm crying in the middle of the night, but for the first time out of relief.

It's really wild how many things suddenly make all the sense.

How I have always loved and admired all types of female forms but I struggled with such a severe eating disorder. How I have lived with this deep terror of being seen because who would love me if they really knew me? Treatment resistant, severe depression and SI my whole life. How it was so important that I gave my daughter a gender neutral first name (and a traditional feminine middle in case she wanted one.) How I loved my birth name as a concept but never liked being called it. I actually tried to get people to call me all kinds of other GENDER NEUTRAL names my whole life.

Why lesbian sits wrong on my tongue, like somehow I feel like I'm lying? Being a "late bloomer" and always hiding my shape, despite it being traditionally well liked and extremely feminine. Being considered conventionally attractive, logically understanding but FEELING gross.

I don't think I'm trans masc, although to be fair I didn't realize I was nonbinary a week ago. But I have always been some kind of inbetween. I made mostly serious jokes like, "I'm so wasted as a girl/woman" in grade school. And I've hated my hips and my ass and my breasts and my round ass feminine cheeks unless I was under 90lbs.

So when I get paid next, I'm going to look into binders I think? I don't see myself ever being able to afford top surgery even if I decide I want it, and weirdly that's really upsetting? Which. Is probably something that belongs on the "obvious and overlooked signs because I am Shane Hollander level oblivious" list above. But I have a doctor's appointment this coming week. And I'm not sure if I want to mention or address any of these things. And I don't have to, I know.

But it felt so good to have my friends call me Wren today. I cried each time. I'm tearing up just remembering. I haven't felt hopeful like this in... 15 years I think. Which is, funnily enough, when I started masking heavily. Forced myself into dating heteronormatively, and dressing in tight, form fitting clothes, wearing make up, and trying to fit into high school culture.