#milgram 01

I was initially thinking about just from a physical rejection, which is why I mentioned only food. He doesn’t want to eat anything because he’s never tried anything before, as well as if you consider his disabilities and possible sensory issues with food, which I’m sure you could also make a metaphor for. Additionally, there’s that thing about how babies start off only liking sweet tastes, though that’s all like “haruka is receiving love he just doesn’t like/understand it.”.

Which is why it’d like it to be unclear as to what that scene would be. Written all dream-like, impossible, yet nostalgic. To put into picture how he feels commended for the murder, whether that’s someone or something trying to force love down his throat so he’s satisfied and doesn’t murder again, or if it’s his heaven after his second murder/attempt. The first option feels plausible at the hands of his parents, who knows if it’s given as that or if it’s just his perception, like Daisuki. And if he had a dream of himself receiving love that he doesn’t like, would he feel like he’s the one that’s wrong for not being satisfied, not understanding. But would anyone even be there? Would he still feel like someone’s wasted their efforts? Or would it symbolise self love? Or just prove to him that he can’t accept love in general, and that he wasn’t made for it. Proving his hopelessness. Is it easier to call that love fake then? If so, Can he name any love that’s real? Can he tell the difference?

please don’t flop or go invisible because of the triggers I made this blog solely for this also this is where I’d bout the read more if I knew how to do that

I’m pretty sure Haruka had some sort of eating issue already present, because it's very likely in his situation - Neglectful parents, he presumably can't cook for himself… I don't think he'd be mentally affected by losing weight or being too thin in a body dysmorphia sense, rather, l'd prefer to believe that since I don't want him to go through anything more. But then I worry…

Does he? Physically?

Like not being as small as he used to be? Being too strong? Or maybe not being strong enough? Yeah no it seems to be much more of the second option. Which is still dysmorphia but just not in the way I’ve been headcannoning.

I think about "seriously, how did he get so strong" a lot. Unless it's much easier to strangle children then l've thought. (I wouldn't know havent tried it before) if he's malnourished I still think that'd be quite hard…

(I should clarify I'm not putting evidence against haruka's murders I'm just pondering)

Suppose if his parents are cooking for themselves they might as well feed him, especially to convince him they do care so he’s less violent, to sway his opinions or perhaps even distract him from violent tendencies. God, maybe even to show the police that they weren’t neglectful in case haruka hinted towards it in the interrogations. Though that’s all the bare minimum, it’s something.

Still, we’re outright told that they acted like he didn’t exist.

He says HE bought the candy floss so he also might have bought his own meals, but I think surely some of that food would be a more expensive item then candy floss (Unless he shoplifted meals?) That answer is so childish and such an apparent guess though…

Suppose he could throw a couple meals together, knowing he needed to be strong for the sake of killing things so people looked at him. So it would be pretty important to him, I’d imagine him persisting through the struggles of cooking and eating despite his disability (I presume he has sensory issues) and having zero experience or teaching. Maybe he even wants to try make his parents proud under the main motive of violence.

So l don't think he'd be worried about the size of his body in comparison to his mental perception of himself until he starts starving himself in Milgram, if at all. It be another thing that makes him all the more hopeless even, now being unable to see how he could murder anything again in this state. But now he’s being looked at in pity, which he should notice is even better then fear. And it’s all out of protection too? He’d think of his death as so strong, helpful, valued. So then a small realisation, treated as a coincidence, that he’s also as small and feeble as he once was. True to what he wants to be and what other people want him to be at the same time. Like it’s the best way to do things that makes everyone happy. His regression was ever present before this, but the now returning nostalgic sensation of being starved, small and weak is part of what he was feeling when he said his last words.

Or perhaps he wouldn't even think of that.

I think it's clear that he wants to be and is trying to be an adult anyway, so he wouldn't care about remaining physically small. He just wanted to be normal. Though I do indeed think he would have preferred to be a regressed adult himself, and chosen that if it were an option, but it wasn’t. He would have realised the world’s impossibility of going back or pausing or regressing forever, so he became what he’d been taught is good. Believing it’s best for him and probably also not to get punished.

all this in mind, it makes sense why haruka resorted to starvation where it already seems possible for him. There would be no need to be strong anymore, unable to hurt es of course, and possibly working out that there’d be more restraints on him eventually like jackalope blamed it on (still thinking about that, cause that new video takes place in T2 due to both their outfits idk what the bnuy is talking about). But again, I think he was pretty aware of it with his parents possibly saying “if you carry on like that (being unable to cook for himself, not eating when it’s a sensory issue, ect) you’ll starve.” And then possibly calling him physically weak, or emotionally weak which he thinks means both physically and emotionally, giving him more of a motive to prove them wrong. they could have used not feeding him as some sort of punishment, maybe, threatening him that he’ll starve if he doesn’t stop “acting up” (regressing). So it makes sense for it to be the first method that came to his mind, and the more he thought about it it was clearly the best possible option. And it worked.

Haruka Sakurai, 01