Bit of a long one here, but I had an important talk w someone I love, and it opened my eyes a bit more.
I've genuinely got the best found family I could ask for.
If it's not blatantly obvious, I've been having issues, all of which internal, concerning my friends and their relationships. As well as how I've been responding to those relationships playing out in front of me, and how that's affected my view on my ability to be a good friend/person to those who are important to me.
I struggle immensely with the ins and outs of just about any type of relationship. I grew up surrounded by opportunities to grow and nobody to push me into experiencing them, I am now making up for those wasted years, as well as doing my damndest to keep it from negatively affecting my friends and family.
I just had a very open and honest discussion with my (non-biological) sister, and I said some shit that... I honestly didn't even know I was thinking/feeling.
I'm not perfect and I never will be, but I'll be damned if I don't keep trying to improve and learn just because I'm out of school. While the past ten years haven't exactly been a waste, it's also hard to not see it as... lacking direction.
I've known that I wanna make people happy, I know that I've been wanting to do so by means of my art and relationships. I've also known that it would be centered around my videos and streams, if I could make it work. But past that was kind of up for debate.
I still can't really say I've found the exact direction I wanna take, but I know I can't wait around for it to show up or become clear to me.
I have to become more comfortable with making mistakes, challenging myself and sometimes my beliefs and impulses.
I'm still not clear on where I'm going, but I think I've got a clearer idea of what I need to do. Now it's just a matter of finding the will or energy to do it. For my friends, yes, but also for me.