#midnightrants

Hey Tumblr land... I know it’s been a little bit, but I figured I’d give a little update on what’s been going on and where my stories are at right now since it’s been a while. For those who missed the memo...I started a job at the end of May and it’s totally been kicking my ass. I’ve been in training the last 12 weeks between getting my state license and learning a lot of stuff...I’ve been finding myself mentally exhausted lately. It’s been harder and harder to find time to work on stories, but I have been trying. I’m getting ready to go into Pre-transition from a training classroom to the floor, so I have to adjust to a new schedule for the next couple of months so something new to get used to and then in November I’ll be assigned a floor team. Fingers crossed on everything going well, but yesterday I technically graduated from the training.

That being said...I’ve been looking at the status of my stories and wanted to give a run down of where I’m at. I’ve been working on stories off and on and I have a few new projects in the works as well. Trying to stay inspired in my new stories and keep up the writing with new ideas so I don’t forget them. First off...the WIPs that have been posted. Lessons of Life and Love: Next chapter is about half done...we’ll be taking a look at our boys arriving at Victor’s home and Yuuri adjusting to his new home and being mated now that they’re not in the mansion. One Moonlit Night/Chasing Starlight: Gonna lump these two together. I have started on the next chapter for OMN and I have outlined the final chapter of Chasing Starlight to finish it up. I’m trying to transition from Tentacle Week (which has long passed the deadline, but I still wanna get this written) and back to the main story line. You’ll be actually meeting a few characters that made appearances in CS and resolving the little bit of conflict from the last chapter. Plus I have some plans for the final chapter of CS...Yuuri is gonna have a surprise for Victor that I hope you’ll all enjoy. Here’s to Us: I was struggling because I didn’t know where I wanted to go with it and I sorta lost my original outline for the ending, but I’ve figured out a little where I want to go with it. I’m hoping for an update soon. It’s been almost a year since I updated and I do want to finish so while it’s been on hiatus...I’ve gotten the next chapter started and I need to just finish it so I can get back into the flow of it. Now for the new Projects in the Works: Begin Again: This is going to be a bit of a kinky one shot. I wrote down Ideas for it a while back and thanks to the wonderful people on my Discord and my need for a stress relief in the form of writing we’re getting a kink heavy Victuuri one shot. ABO, Collars, chains, intersex Omega, and more. It will be Omega Victor since there isn’t enough of that out in the fandom and there will be consent between them so it’ll be some kinky fun after some not so great circumstances. That should be posted soonish so keep an eye out for it. Seeking Life: Another project inspired by a meme that showed up on another Discord I follow. I got inspired to write a what if scenario with Victuuri. It’ll will be interesting for me to write and I plan to have the first chapter out as soon as I update some of the other stories that need to be updated. Synopsis: Victor has been on top of the World for years, but always felt the weight of his success and the lack of life and love in his personal life threatening to weigh him down. In one night he found his inspiration, only to have it crushed by tragedy. Everything changed in Sochi...the night Yuuri Katsuki died... Then something miraculous happens and Victor gets another chance to help Yuuri with his dreams and he finds his inspiration again. Yuuri was no stranger to failure. His anxiety led him to believe the worst and then he had to go and die before living out his one dream in life. Unable to pass on, he seeks the one person who can make his dream come true. The problem with that...Victor is his idol and it’s easy to fall in love with a man like that. Yuuri must fight his feelings as they work together. After all, he’s no longer alive, but dreams change and he finds that he doesn’t want to let go...instead he dreads moving on and leaving Victor behind. 

These past months I’ve been collecting pieces of myself that were extremely shattered. Mandatory healing process where I go somewhere else unplanned, nothing else to do. Just go to where my feet would take me. Visit milk tea and coffee shops that would satisfy my cravings and inside my bag were my diary, a jeweled pen and a heavy heart. Those lasted for a few weeks. I thought i’d be able to continue my weekend routine.

3 or 4 years ago, I thought I had the worst. I’m only 25 and thought I had met the person who would stay with me ‘till the end, through ups and downs. What would be worse than cheating? I knew. I thought I had the worst. i thought it ended with my healing process, but this damned girl right here even embraced ‘him’ again and experienced the worst of the “worst” thing ever in her life. Thinking of a 2nd chance but had the worst again. Cheating over cheating. 

He asked me what made me stay when we both knew he had given me a lot of pain and trauma. What made me really stay when we knew that my parents would disapprove him when the truth prevails? We both know what could possibly happen and I knew some things will change next year.

I just wanted to cherish my remaining memories with him before our time ends. I hope when that time arrives, I would be able to let him go. 

 I am a pretentious idiot who tries to hide anxiety and depression with flowery words in an attempt to confuse myself into happiness.

I distract and jibe and I yell because I want to be seen and known, yet I am terrified of what that truly means.

I want to be remembeered, but only in the right way.

A writer, a singer, a son, a daughter, a father, a mother, a creator, a destroyer, I do not know what I am.

Is my greatest fear to be forgotten or to not have lived well?

I don’t know. I wonder if I will repeat these thoughts again. Perhaps I will. Perhaps I shall pound these musings over and over, longer at times, shorter at others, softer in staccatto, harder in legato, who knows who knows.

WIll I bemoan the same problem once more in a thousand and more ways?

I think so. Perhaps I might write a story. I pity the character that shall be ehicle to them.

I hate this kind of night // Sleep eludes me // Made me think, when I desperately don’t want to // I want a blissful dream // the kind that is so bittersweet that you hate to wake up // and at the same time, brighten your day just to think of it // you were that to me // a bittersweet dream // my first love // my person //

I’m an introvert in real life, so all this has been extremely draining for me, but it’s also something that I needed to do to be okay with the situation and to make sure that the people I cared about were all right. It’s still not 100%, but it’s getting better every day. i definitely don’t want to put out any horrible content or stuff I’m not confident in. I appreciate everyone who reads and leaves comments or kudos on what I put out. It wouldn’t be fair to any of you or even to myself to put out crap. That being said, I am going to try to get at least try to get out something every week. I’m not really gonna keep to any practical schedule at this time, just know that none of my stories have been abandoned.

Inside of me, unknown to anyone.

With a smile on my face,

Trying to match the world's pace

Feelings locked in a vault

In some deep corner of the heart

It was all good this way

I hoped this would stay

But why now,

As another day ends

Do I feel so scared

Where did I go wrong