#midmorning

I constantly live in chaos but seek organization. I envy those who do great but am not jealous. I love it when someone compliments me, but don't know how to react. I love the fact that I am liked and disliked by a lot of people at the same time.

And all these thoughts bring about a lot of questions in my mind. I have been aloof for a long while about everything. I have been pushing away deadlines, staying awake and doing nothing. I have wasted my time and energy doing nothing, as if I have got nothing.

There are indeed a lot of things I want to do. And that question I was talking about, which haunts me, is: "Where is all this leading to?"

I am completely insane about the fact that I have a lot of errands to run and I am still aloof.

It is actually astonishing and weird that I notice all the chaos in life and still do nothing about it. But I know that I am seeking organization. But something, some force, maybe the biggest enemy of mine, is pulling me down: "Laziness."

It's completely strange and crazy to say this, but I think I am responsible for my failure. It is my stupidity that makes me react and overreact to unnecessary, well, let's say, not-so-important things in life. I am angry at someone for being good and disappointed in myself for staying aloof.

I am not pinpointing anything, or in fact, pinpointing myself. I think it's the 3:30 a.m. thoughts. Maybe sleeplessness. Maybe the disturbance in my head. But again, there is peace and a sense of calmness in my head. I guess I have a clear head now, and the morning would be without the laziness and aloofness. I guess I'll be fine the first thing in the morning.

How you are my everything