I’m about 3/4ths of my way through Middlemarch currently and am struck by how many of the couples are made unhappy because the man is unable to maintain complete superiority over his wife and her mind. Casaubon is so hurt by the thought that he has lost Dorothea’s adulation. Lydgate enters into marriage with the (erroneous) hope that Rosamund will be a pliant wife who will also stroke his ego as an intellectual and scientist. Even Bulstrode is terrified of his wife leaning what Raffles has to say.
By contrast, Fred accepts that Mary will not change her mind. I should like to think that even if he ended up becoming a clergyman against her wishes, he doesn’t hope to control her thoughts.
Is this read too facile?
I love this! I think the contrast between Dorothea and Rosamund especially is key to the novel.
Dorothea has a very traditional view of what a husband is meant to be to a wife, and she wants a man who is intelligent and will instruct her in how to think (it almost sounded like enrolling in university, not marriage), but she ends up figuring out that her husband isn't as intelligent as she imagined during courtship. This is a huge let down for her, because she wants to be a part of something significant, through her husband. Casaubon realizes this and yes, is badly hurt not only by Dorothea losing her admiration, but also because she is intelligent, it makes him have to confront the fact that he's been wasting his time, which he very much does not want to do. I mean this is also why he hates Will Ladislaw so much, because Will also knows this.
As for Lydgate, I don't know if he was exactly expecting Rosamund to feed his ego, but he definitely expected her to submit to his will and be a help-meet to him. He thinks his life will be easier with a wife, and it's very much not. The line that sums it up best for me is this one: "I have married care, not help." But it goes further than this, Rosamund won't even listen to him as a surgeon, much less a husband. He tells her not to go riding when pregnant, she goes twice behind his back, is thrown, and miscarries. Anyway, this is all to say that while Rosamund appears to be an ideal wife during courtship, she is far from that.
Both Lydgate and Dorothea, I think, held the same ideal of a relationship between a husband and wife, and both of them were severely disappointed by the outcome because they choose the wrong person. (I really, really love that Middlemarch is about people who make their own choices and their choices are so wrong. No one was forced!)
I do think Fred and Mary also embody this ideal, however Mary is far more clear-eyed about it. She tells Fred to make himself into someone she can respect, because she will not marry him otherwise. Mary is also more realistic in what earns her respect. She just wants Fred to do honest work, she doesn't need him to be some sort of paragon of intellect or the perfect husband (or wife in Lydgate's case). And I think that's why this relationship is the strongest. Mary knows who Fred is, she knows that she could respect him if he got his act together, but she's willing to overlook flaws. Dorothea and Lydgate perhaps had ideals that were impossible for humans to achieve.
And yes, Bulstrode is also worried about losing his wife's respect above all. His problem is religious and about the way he presents himself vs. his true past. He stands in contrast to Fred as well, who also made a huge mistake (the debt), but he admits it right away and Mary does forgive him after he makes amends.
