noah wyle wrote an episode so full of humanity it pulsed with life.
youโre in the car with your spouse and things havenโt been the best lately. tempers are short. thereโs distance between the two of you that is new and scary when thereโs time to give it thought. a maybe-vacation is brought up but thereโs too much to consider and thereโs too much going on. you know itโs a bit of a hail mary but youโre desperate to bridge the gap between you but everything starts coming out wrong and suddenly the two of you are yelling at each other. both of you are frustrated. neither of you are hearing the other. someone says something thoughtlessly cruel that you use as a stepping stone to then say something else full of vitriol and you know itโs all just in the heat of the moment but it hurts it hurts it hurtsโbut itโs not the words, not anymore; itโs the accident. and youโre in the hospital being confronted with the real possibility of everything changingโfar beyond a simple miscommunication, a few weeks of space. we are rarely ever gifted the knowledge of when things are about to end, when itโs your last time doing something. what do you do when your spouse may die and the last words you exchanged were ones of hate? when your last memory together is one that is cruel? how do you reckon with that being it? no do-over. no going back in time.
youโre married to a man who is kind and good and itโs been a few years but you kinda still canโt stop thinking about your ex-husband even though you swearโyouโll swear to just about anyoneโthat youโre over him. and youโre having a normal day until you get a call from the emergency room about said ex-husband who youโof courseโdonโt think about! at least not that often! and before you know what youโre doing youโre already at the hospital asking for him, your hands restless, the pit in your stomach growing by the second. thereโs a bitter taste in your mouth; you know youโre doing something edging into the area of not okay but you canโt stop. your ex-husbandโmichael, michaelโlooks different but the same but different but the same and you feel so twisted inside you donโt quite know what it is you feel for him. itโs been so long and things were so bad at the end but when you look into his eyes itโs like youโre back several years ago full of warmth and laughter andโyes, youโre remarried; canโt stop fiddling with your ring in fact andโmichael isโmichael isโsick. really sick. and seemingly alone considering he never changed his emergency contact. you try not to feel anything about that. but you canโt help yourself from asking the question thatโs been fighting its way out since you heard whatโs wrong and the answer does not bring you comfort. this thing inside michael that has sucked much of the light and life out of him is most likely the reason behind all his personality changes. is most likely the reason behind what caused the beginning of the end for the two of you. how do you carry the weight of knowing? how do you move forward now that you know michael didnโt one day just decide to start picking fights at bars and being aggressive with you and it actually was something completely out of his control? something that if caught earlier could have savedโ.
you hate this holiday. itโs not one youโve ever particularly been fond of but for the past few years the days leading up to july 4th are some of your most dreaded. youโre already on edge, have been for most of the week. youโre shorter, more easily irritated with others in a way you know youโll feel badly about after all this passes but itโs hard to do much of anything when theโwhen the firecrackers are going off like your own personal war zone. but still. you do your best. you try to keep to your routine despite your shakiness. so you start preparing your samovar and then you are no longer in your home but backโbackโbackโthere and itโs so so loud and there are screams and shouts and crying and the sounds are animalistic and you retch and realize those noises are your noises and you are in your kitchen and not at synagogue. and god. youโre at the hospital and the doctor is handsome and jewish and has sad eyes but is patient and kind and you find yourself talking about things you do not even allow yourself to often let fully become thoughts. time passes but you still are made to remember like nothing has changed at all. what do you do in light of that? when your faith in others, in yourself, in your faith itselfโin everythingโhas been rocked? when everyone expects you to get better in time but you arenโt even sure what better means anymore?
