Memory Garden
peeta mellark x female mc (Jude Slone)
summary; you made haymitch promise, if it came down to you or Peeta that heโd save Peeta. And he did. But now youโre back from the Capitol with one thing certain, Peeta Mellark is the one true enemy.
warnings: angst angst angst, mean thoughts ab peeta beloved and honestly just a lot of writing i didnโt need to do
โโโ
Peeta did this.
The mantra floated through my head, as I yanked on the restraint again.
Heโs the reason everyone you love is against you.
Another yank.
He blew up District 12
โJude, feeling hungry yet?โ Haymitchโs voice breaks the static but the mantra just quietens but doesnโt stop. My hand drops the bind.
โWhat do you have?โ It was a better response than iโd given lately. What if Peeta tried to kill me and poisoned my portionโฆ I couldnโt risk it. โNo, I donโt want itโ
He sighs, still coming towards me with the tray โI promise you, Peeta doesnโt want you dead. You know that, thinkโ
I scowled, โI know what I saw. I know what he did. Heโs a monster, Haymitch. Donโt make me, I dont want his filthy blood on my handsโ He scoffed, dropping the tray onto the table next to me.
โLetโs hope lover boy comes and feeds you bevause Iโm not putting up with thisโ And with that he leaves the room.
I glanced at the tray, tomato soup with toast coated in possibly cheese, but itโs not the delicious toast that catches my eye, the soup, itโs not red. Theyโve added ingredients to make it appear more orangeโฆ Not bright orange.
A sunset.
โI still remember that Christmas he brought me that green sweater. Green doesnโt suit meโ I say, the air was brisk and I hated walking in the Winter but I couldnโt turn Peeta down when he came to my door.
โI refuse to believe you look bad in anythingโ I scoff, glad itโs cold knowing he might take that as thhe reason my cheeks are now red. โWhat is your favourite colour?โ
I raise my eyebrow at him โIโm sure there are better things to talk about then my favourite colourโ
He watches me as we walk for a moment โI donโt see anything more importantโ It makes me slow to a stop, โTell me, please. I want to knowโ
I look to him, his kind blue eyes and blond hair that looks incredibly soft without all those products they use during interviews, he looks beautiful.
โIt used to be red but I think iโm leaning towards purpleโ I shrug, โItโs only fair that iโve revealed that secret you tell me yoursโ
He smiles before looking up at the sun, itโs setting letting the streaks of orange paint the sky โOrange, right there. Itโs the second most beautiful thing iโve ever seenโ I glance at him unsure as to why heโd say second until I see the look in his eyes.
My head snaps at the memory, cruel and unforgiving. Thatโs what Peeta was, and he would hurt me so I had to kill him before he tried first.
His face twists in the memory as I replay it over and over again, he doesnโt look like himself, Hatred flared in a moment that was full of pure adoration. I see it now like iโm looking through a camera at the two of us.
He looks like he loves meโฆ Then his eyes lose their spark like a snap and heโs spitting awful words at me, oneโs ill never forget.
Iโll never forget heโs the reason iโm like this.
โ
The food goes cold and I go another day without eating and under sedation after I nearly come out of binding when they try to insert the needle into my arm to get food into my body.
I awake in an empty room but thereโs a buzz in the air, I look to the mirror across from me. I look better than I did the first time I looked inside, Iโd look better if I ate proper food but I canโt, he wants me dead and he wonโt fail again.
The door hisses open bringing my attention away from my strangely hair, Katniss stands at the door, tears in her eyes.
โYou need to eat somethingโ She whispers but the room is so quiet iโm not surprised if she can hear my blaring thoughts or the alarm going off in my head.
โGet outโ I spit, turning away from her. Katniss was close to Peeta, never too close for respect of me which I hated now, she should have stopped whatever was forming between the two of us. Now itโs this. โI donโt want to see you.โ
โItโs been months, I thought-โ She tries to speak but she stops when my head snaps to her aswell, her eyes are searching my face. I still look awful, I know that and it seems she still hasnโt come to terms with what I had gone through. Why donโt they see itโs his fault? Always.
โHeโs the reason this happened to me, Katniss. And youโre still going to side with him. If you donโt kill him then heโll kill me Katniss, Donโt you see!โ I scream, her back hits the door and it hisses open and my heart stops.
There, he is. Heโs not expecting the door to open, the surprise on his face is evident as those blue eyes bore into mine and I steel myself preparing for the hatred, his attempts to end my life.
But neither happen, he watches me with nothing but sadness and his hands are empty, just slack at his sides as he takes a step forward and Iโm frozen, Itโs not making sense.
He keeps coming closer and my heart is beating out my chest. Run! Heโs going to kill you! My head screams but he doesnโt look like he will kill me, he looks like he wants to be next to me and holding me through this, possibly the one feeding me the tomato soup like Haymitch suggested.
โJudeโฆ Please, Iโd never-โ He seems to choke on his words as a tear slips down his cheek โCome back to meโ Come back and trust me so I can kill you, I hear instead. The words make me flinch, the movement is so large the whole bed moves with me, screeching.
He backs away, the door hisses open again but he doesnโt move to get out โYouโre just here to kill me!โ I cried, wishing him out of the room.
Get out. Get out. Get out!!!
I mustโve screamed the last time because heโs gone and finally the screaming in my head stops and I fall to the bed, the thought of food or anything fades, only the want to be far from him stays.
โ
I am Jude Slone, I won the 73rd hunger games, iโm from District Twelve and Peeta Mellark does not want me dead.
I repeat in my head over and over again, as the truck rolls over cracks and bumps, my body jumps at each bit of debris we hit and I hit the metal seat hard each time but the pain is real. Which is hard to say about a lot lately.
Peeta Mellark wants doesnโt want you dead.
I shake my head, thst one was the hardest to remember and at times, it was no where reachable and all that would sustain me in that moment would be his blood on my hands.
Finally the truck pulled to a stop, I straightened my shoulders. Iโd been taken by the Capital and my memories have been distorted, my first thought may not always be the right one.
With that final word of encouragement I let the anxiety slip from me as the back door opens and Iโm led out. The sun blinds me for a moment, Iโd only seen it for a moment when they made me leave base but only to be stuffed back in the van.
Now I could see the destruction. His fault. No, no, no. I took a deep breath, before turning to seeing the loving welcome party at the front of what seemed to be an abandoned building.
Katniss with her bow, Gale with his crossbow and the five members of their squad had their guns trained on me, including Peeta. My heart hammered but I kept upright as I took the empty gun from the guard before waltzing my way towards the group.
I am Jude Slone, I won the 73rd Hunger Games, I am from Distrisct 12 and None of these people want me dead.
โWhat is she doing here?โ Katniss is the first to speak and though her eyes are trained on me, i know she doesnโt want me to answer.
โCoin wants her to be shown on screen, the victors fighting on the same sideโ A dark man, who screamed military spoke and he was the only one besides Finnick who hadnโt raised their gun at me. โI donโt like the gunโ
โCant have me fighting with my bare hands on screenโ I mutter, before shaking the weapon โItโs emptyโ
The tension seemed to ease slightly in the group but while half of them had lowered their weapons, Peeta, Katniss and Gale hadnโt. I had to remember what Iโd been like this past month, I wouldnโt trust me either.
โI donโt like thisโ Peeta. His words cut deep and I deflate at them before the military man waves everyone to come inside, not before a solider by the name of Jackson, she told me, quietly instructed me that iโd be restrained for their safety.
โI understand, but Iโm not a childโ
โNo just someone who went through a lot of shitโ Finnick says behind Jackson, and my eyes dart up. I didnโt know where my mind stood with Finnick, I didnโt feel like killing him but I hadnโt felt like killing Peeta a moment ago but we all knew it would come.
It was why I was being restrained in the first place. I nod at his words, unsure of how to respond before they lead me inside. The wall along the door was made of glass and I watched as the van that stopped me off, vanished in the distance.
I was stuck here and I didnโt know if I would ever leave this ruin of a city. I kept my distance from the group as they moved into the centre and I took a seat beside the window.
โWeโll have to set up an around the clock guard on her, we can take shiftsโ Military man said, turning to look at me. โIโll take the first shift, Names Boggs.โ
I preferred Military man but I nodded all the same, โI want a shiftโ Peetaโs voice is small compared to Boggs but it silences the room all the same.
โNot happeningโ Jackson speaks up this time, confusing me on whoโs in command.
โI can do it!โ Peeta argued back, standing from his seat โItโs not herโฆ The Capital killed her and whoever they sent back to us, iโll be happy to put a bullet in its headโ I flinched, turning my eyes down to my hands. Clenching them, was I dead? The girl I was? I shake my head, I am Jude Slone and I did not die in the Capital. They broke me but I am not unfixable. I am broken not unfixable.
I am unfixable.
โIโm not sure seeing as a mutt helpsโ Jackson declares but Boggs cuts her off
โGive him a shift, Katniss too.โ There was no room for argument as Jackson nodded and began to schedule the guard clock. I wanted to be more helpful, tell them that maybe they could go an hour and they could all rest, but I didnโt even trust myself to do that.
Instead I kept silent, letting the rest of them discuss our plan while I watched the day pass by through the glass. โHowโre you feeling?โ Finnickโs voice from beside me makes me jump. I turn to him and he looks almost glowing, Iโd heard something about him and Annie.
I knew I would feel happy for him if I didnโt feel so disconnected. Finnicks memories that came to mind now only brought warmth, nothing haunting. Which was relieving, he was a breath of fresh air.
โAway, I feel like everythingโs happening and Iโm not really hereโ I try to explain and he seems to understand. โI donโt want to be a problem, I donโt know why they sent me hereโฆ Iโm not ready.โ
He frowns, โI think youโre where you need to be, normally whenver Annie gets confused she asks me, and I promise you, youโll find nothing but the truth hereโ I glance over to the group who had begun to seperate and close their eyes.
It must be Finnicks shift. The thought made this whole encounter turn cold but still, I took in his words as my eyes trained on the baker boy. โPeeta was the reason this happened to meโฆ Real?โ
He shakes his head, โYou made Haymitch swear if it came down to the two of you that heโd get Peeta to safetyโ Finnick explained but my mind screamed at me that he was lying. Why would I ask that? Peeta and I didnโt get along, no, we did and weโd almost- I didnโt know what we almost did or if he hated me or loved me and it made me want to rip my hair out as my thoughts banged against my head.
He was not the reason you went to the Capital, you chose this. You didnโt want him to go through thisโฆ That felt right, staring at him now, I would never wish upon him those nights in the Capital.
โI know it must be hard. Annie went through a lot but they know that the Capital never left you alone, you were their main priority.โ Finnick places a hand on my shoulder, bringing my fully to the present for what felt like the first time. โNone of us blame you at all for what happened.
I forgot how long itโs been since someone had been gentle with me. Skin to skin, human contact. My body released its pressure, relaxing in my seat. โThank you, Finnickโ
He smiled before sitting up straighter, and we together sat in silence watching the night sky slowly fall upon us as the rest that were awake finally knocked off
โGet some restโ Finnick muttered to me softly, tapping my leg as he got up. I could see his eyes dropping a while ago but he still stayed and it relieved me that he was finally putting himself first.
I nodded, I would not be sleeping tonight. Each time I closed my eyes another memory would wash over me, Iโve started to get better at knowing if itโs real or not without verification.
Like the one of Peeta and Is confession of our favourite colours, it was easier to picture him smiling at me now instead of anger and whenever it did dissolve to the image it was almost too perfect, his freckles gone and the scar he got from the 75th games vanished, as did the dark circles under my eyes and the few strands out of place were perfectly flat. Too perfect.
I watched Finnick rouse Peeta and point over to me. Of course, I could only get so lucky. I heard someone clear their throat before they took a seat across from me. I didnโt look up. I didnโt know where my mind would jump to.
And he seemed to take the message, he didnโt try to speak to me either. She asks me. I promise youโll find nothing but truth here.
Finnick was right, I couldnโt close myself off and hope Iโd be able to fix myself. If it was that easy, Iโd be normal again. โFinnick told me that whenever iโm having trouble differentiating real from not real I should just askโฆโ
I glanced up at him, in the darkness it was hard to make out his uniform but his blonde hair and pale skin were easy to spot and it made my body tingle as I registered just how close he was and I didnโt feel like wringing my hands around his neck. Relief.
โShoot awayโ I raised an eyebrow โNot literallyโ I smiled softly at that before cycling through my head and I settled back into his favourite colour. What if I asked and his favourite was blue or something? Sunset orange was just another lie they filled into my head. Ask.
โYour favourite colour. Itโs sunset orange, real? Not real?โ I clench my fists, please. please.
โRealโฆ Yours used to be red but after the hunger games you couldnโt stand itโ He explained, and he was right. I used to tie a red bow into my hair everyday until my reaping now the colour reminded me of the slaughter in the 73rd Hunger games.
โBut you said you were beginning to like purpleโฆ I remember that day, I told you the sunset was the second most beautiful thing iโd ever seenโฆ And the first was right in front of meโ I stiffened, though the confession didnโt shock me, looking back I couldโve seen it if I looked hard enough in the moment โAnd itโs killing me, bevause youโre right in front of me again but youโre like the stars I canโt reach. Iโฆ Can adore you from afar but thatโs all I can do. And it feels really, really shitty, knowing we might never get through thisโ
He stands abruptly from his seat โI canโt do thisโ And he storms out, but Iโm clenching my fists too tight to stop, swearing at every god to let this memory stay and not be corrupted by fear. I can adore you from afar but thatโs all I can do because if I came closer youโd kill me. Was the truth.
โ โ โ
do we want a part two?!?
part two out now!
