#meh.

We have hearts filled with love. And thus, filled with a lot of grief.

Anytime he says "You/They should've left me to die in that lake" is my "I should've died at the hospital".

Idk if I'm feeling not just the freakiness of the 14th approaching but also (for the first time...?) feeling something spooky about the anniversary of the major surgeries coming up later this month, which coincided with the cousin of the same age having her first child.

She gave birth to her kid the day before I had that first 8am surgery to remove the malignant tumour. Words cannot describe how much it messed me up getting the text from her that morning saying "We're praying for you!" :'))) I blocked her, her husband, and that whole family on every platform coz heaven forbid I hear another "God has a plan" given how the good lord purposely withheld the info from me for 31 years that I am autistic and have ADHD. If the cancer had began to touch my humerus bone, they would've had to amputate. I escaped that. There's def spooky medical trauma surrounding that.

I had no partner, best friend, or soulmate with me. I was alone. And, it was reaaaally gross having to be spoonfed food and offered a straw to drink water, by the person I hoped to get away from long-term, while they transfused the blood back into me (the transfusion took 8 hours)....so that I could even move enough and hoist myself up to sit up in the bed, with my one good arm. This is very convertible into some Belos haunting Hunter kinda shit.

The physical pain had started right after my 30th birthday too. Idk why it's only hitting me harder near the 3rd anniversary tho. Is it coz now my body knows I've moved to a new better country, thus it feels safer to fall apart? Classic C-PTSD. But trauma can rly be like.

But eh. I know it's my heart and soul screaming out for something predictable even though my brain's like no if you did die then you wouldn't have made a lot of amazing new things happen.