#mcburney

“What did I miss?” Mary asked, coming in uncharacteristically late, looking a bit pale and clutching her travel coffee mug like it was making gravity work.  Jed noticed how she sat in her chair heavily, spinning a bit before she clutched the edge of her desk to stop the rotation.

“New boss is giving us assessments - something called the Caliper Profile?”

“A test?” Mary hissed and started opening the drawers of her desk. “Where’s my handbook - what is it on, policy? Paper stats? Sales figures?”

“No, nothing like that, it’s a personality test.  McBurney’s testing us for ‘intrinsic motivation’ so he can ‘rearrange assigned roles’ in order to ‘optimize both production output and employee satisfaction’ in what he calls his ‘dual goals of incubating employee growth and promoting paper sales which exceed expectations in every way.’” Jed put air quotes around every other phrase in his explanation and Mary nodded along, looking more confused the longer he talked. 

“Ah! Ms. Phinney! Thank you for joining us,” Regional Manager Clayton McBurney III said as he walked out of his office.  He clapped his hands and Mary winced at the noise, setting her coffee on her desk and rubbing at her temples.  Jed wondered if she was fighting off illness or had just overdone drinks with Emma and Anne the night before.  The ladies from accounting could party hard at the end of the fiscal year. He wouldn’t ask her in front of the cameras though.  She’d scolded him for that last week and he wasn’t sure if she’d forgiven him yet.

“Today you will learn more about yourself and how you can contribute to making Dundler-Mifflin a mansion among the ramshackle, run-down houses of the competition!” McBurney interrupted himself to put his hands on his heart and tilt his head back with a sigh, like the vision was manifest and he could see himself sitting on the mansion’s balcony, surveying the operation of a company swiftly moving reams of paper.  “Myers-Briggs is trash and the Enneagram is no better than a horoscope, but the Caliper-” he smiled at them benevolently, and Jed thought this man might actually be crazy, to speak with such affection and have such confidence in a personality test. “You all may open your email and commence the test!”