#maxinerae

Since I came home, I’ve been watching videos on how directors create their films. I feel hopeful. Creative, even. But I don’t know how I’ll ever amount to be someone as passionate, as creative, as great as them. Sometimes, it makes me wonder how I even dare be hopeful for the future; hopeful that at some point of my life, as long as I work hard, I’ll amount to something. I actually believe that I am good at what I do. Then again, I see these people who love the same things I do. The only difference is that, they’re better, more passionate, and more hungry; in every aspect possible. And I can only wish to be as good as them. 

People say they believe in me; that someday there will be a young person out there who will be watching my films and will be inspired by me. For me, that is far-fetched. It is something I see myself doing but don’t believe that I can actually do it. You see, I know things, I can do them but the problem is that they are never the kind that people would woo. They are always mediocre, amateur, all the possible synonyms for average. That is hard to accept. But I have to accept it. If not, I would only be lying to myself. 

When I wish to become better [which is always], I tend to cry. Because I do not have the capability to console myself that what I do is good; that it is more than enough. I feel like somewhere out there, someone is criticizing it and is badmouthing the things that I do. Maybe there’s someone out there that sees all the mistakes and are pointing it out in every piece, in every art, in every form of my expression. Maybe that someone is me. And that is harder. One must be proud of what they do. But what happens when you yourself cannot even be that to your own work. 

-- Of what makes you happy. 

Hi! It’s been a long time, tumblr. I think it’s been more than a year since I last visited you. How are you? Como estas? (Just kidding, I have to memorize my Spanish notes before my recitation on Tuesday =<).

Anyway, back to you. I don’t even remember the last time I posted here but I’m back, and I’m going to update you on my life currently:

studying - at the Pontifical and Royal Catholic university of the Philippines, the University of Santo Tomas.

living - in a city called Manila. 

feeling - overwhelmed, I guess? I mean, dream school, new environment, a promdi in the concrete jungle; uh, mixed feelings? 

taking up - what used to be a course I used to dream of. 

What else can I share? 

I don’t know anymore so I’m ending this blog post just before I blurt out senseless. So, here I am giving out a reminder to chase your dreams, and be passionate with what you do. I acknowledge the privilege I have because I can risk what I have despite the uncertainty of the world.