#maureen!

So the Royal Navy has decided to name its next submarine HMS Achilles instead of HMS Agincourt, and the stench of outrage, fag smoke and statins on the Daily Express letters page is overwhelming…

REASONS WHY BRITAIN IS TOTALLY RUINED THESE DAYS, NUMBER 14,959: “A tattooed vicar.”

Maureen I’ve had a thought so fetch my pen

Because as we all know, it’s a very short, straight line from “one company changes the packaging design for one of its products” to “the complete and total destruction of society and all traditional values”.

‪“These swaggering, cocksure, know-it-all mountain climbing bastards have had it all their own way for too long. Maureen! MAUREEN! Fetch my pen! It’s time I took a stand.” ‬

“What the.....Maureen! MAUREEN! Look at that gateau on the television, Maureen! Just look at the bloody STATE of it! Right! That’s it! They’ve done it this time! Maureen, fetch my pen. The RED one!”

“I agree with Simon.” said Terry Arsehole, florid purveyor of poppy-related outrage, when Pointless Letters reached out for comment. “This blatant disrespect for our war dead is disgusting beyond all words. That’s my Lord of the Rings DVDs going right in the bin, I can tell you.”

"Fucking POT NOODLES, Maureen! They're living the life of bloody Riley, that's what they're doing. Fetch my pen!"