#matthewtkachuk

You couldn't remember when it started but you realized that you fell for him many years ago when Brady made fun of you and Matthew liking each other and your face was all red and your hands felt so clammy and your heart was beating so fast you thought everyone in the room heard it.

But there was no way that you'd risk loosing him. Matt was your everything and losing everything you had wasn't worth not having to keep secrets from him.

Since you and Matthew met each other - when neither of you could even walk - your parents and his fell in love with the idea that you'd be perfect for each other. Even as you grew older, they still gave you the looks that said it all - that they never changed their minds. Your families got closer as you and Matt got closer and to separate the two of you was something that would never happen, not on your parents' watch.

When you were sixteen, you told Matthew you loved him. You were so nervous, thinking about all the things you said wrong, all the things that you could still say wrong; but Matt only grinned, threw an arm over your shoulders and said "love you too, Y/N/N." He didn't even think it was something you said out of love.

And you took it. You acted like it didn't hurt when he declared his love to you only in a friendly manner or when he asked you for your friend's phone number. Your heart broke a little every time you saw Matt with another girl but you had to act like it was nothing.

When Matthew got drafted to Calgary, he asked you to go with him - to leave your home, your friends and everything you knew - and as the fool you were, you said yes.

His career looked so promising and you were happy for him. But there were moments when you hated him and hated yourself; often when Matty threw a party in your shared apartment and kissed anyone he liked and then took them to his bedroom. And you sat on the couch and watched as he didn't even look at you, giving all his attention to some beautiful girl he just met. So you got drunk everytime it happened, solving your problems with a bottle of alcohol. And it kind of worked - you didn't forget your broken heart but the pain that you felt there dissolved for a few hours. Matthew deserved better than those one night stands but you deserved even more.

Sometimes you regretted moving to Calgary with him. But in the moments when Matthew made you laugh and treated you like you were special, you fell for him even more - like when he always took you as his plus one and didn't even bother to ask anyone else or when everyone in the room looked at you as you two laughed at the inside jokes no one else understood. On one lonely night when he lost a game and only you were there to comfort him, you and him drank a few bottles and then went out, finding the first tattoo salon you saw and getting matching tattoos. His name brightly contrasted with your skin, the words written in a font that imitated the one on Matthew's team's logo. It somehow felt good to see your name permanently written on his shoulder - it meant that at least he still was your best friend, if not more than that.

"You're ruining me, Matt," you whispered after you stumbled back into your apartment. "You're ruining me and it makes me sick to think that I'll always forgive you for it."

But Matthew didn't listen; he watched your lips as they moved but the words didn't make sense to him. And so you let it be that way.

...

On Monday, everything Matthew thought he knew changed. You sat with his whole family, laughing at something his mom said, the jersey he gave you earlier that day too big on you. He liked the way it looked on you - he liked the way all of his clothes look on you.

"It's nice to see that you are as much in love with her as she is with you." Brady skated over to him, the both of them warming up before the game started.

"So it's not only our parents, but now also you?" Brady gave Matt a cheeky grin in answer and shook his head with raised eyebrows.

"Y/N is a fool for loving you for so long without you returning her feelings. And you're a fool for knowing so and doing nothing about it. And, hey, don't be so sad of loosing this game, she might lick your wounds afterwards." That cocky bastard. Before Matt could really understand what was his brother saying, his coach called him to the bench.

And so he waited. For the start of the game, for the right time and place; and as Brady smiled at him once again, Metthew threw off his gloves and punched him in the face.

...

"Do you want to talk about it?" you asked Matthew after you two said your goodbyes to his family and left for your car. When he hugged you tightly after the game, his mom and Taryn gave you "the look", showed you thumbs up and even as you tried to hide it with an eye roll, you started blushing.

Flames lost against Senators and Matt played like shit the whole game, not even to mention the fight between the two brothers.

"No." he answered harshly but then stopped in his tracks, softening up and realizing he was walking too fast for you to keep up with him. He took your hand in his and started walking again, this time slower.

Your body tensed at his touch and you had to really try to silence the butterflies in your stomach before asking: "What did Brady say?"

"Nothing important," Matt said. You watched him carefully, the way his grip on your hand tightened and how his face looked sour after saying these words. As if they tasted wrong on his tongue.

"Okay," you breathed out, in no mood to argue with him. "Okay."

It certainly was not okay.

...

Matt knew he was fucked the moment he smelled your hair when he hugged you after the game and when he had to find new excuses to touch you.

Yes, he's noticed the way his feelings changed a few months ago and yes, he did nothing about it, just tried to stop thinking about you in other ways than friendly ones. But no girl could ever replace you in any way and he knew it. And now, Brady knew that, too.

Matthew knew about your feelings, that's true. And he was an idiot for hurting you by avoiding them, by acting like nothing changed.

But everything changed a long time ago and there was no reason to keep that a secret; he was no longer scared of loosing you because he knew that no matter what, you two were meant to be together.

...

Something changed. The parties continued but... Matthew was no longer interested in the girls there, or it at least looked that way. He never said what happened and you somehow started thinking that it all started because of that game where Brady said something to him and he punched him in return.

There has never before been much of awkward silence between you two. You could literally count awkward moments of your friendship on your hands. But since that incident - it didn't matter if it was while watching TV or in a complete silence - everything got weird. Even leaning into his touch when lying on the couch felt different.

It was one of those moments again and you were starting to feel helpless. Was it something you said? Or something you did? You were overthinking every single one of your decisions when suddenly Matthew broke the silence:

"I've been thinking about you a lot lately."

You said nothing in answer but the butterflies in your stomach fluttered wildly.

"About us." he added hesitantly. Us, you thought to yourself. Us like what? Friends? Lovers?

"And?" you asked all nervous. Was this the moment you've been waiting for for years? You turned your head to look Matthew in the face and with some satisfaction, you realized he was nervous, too.

"You and me - us together - would that be so weird?"

A smile slowly grew on your face and you felt the tears welling in your eyes.

"No," you whispered, his face so close to yours "Not at all."

This was the kiss you had imagined for years. This was the kiss you've been waiting for for years.

And then you kissed his tattoo, your name inked into his skin forever, and you knew that for as long as the tattoo will last, so will the bond between you two.

...

Hardly anything changed. You've been surprised b ythat but Matt jokingly said that you've been halfway through a relationship even as just friends - but it was true.

"We might as well have been dating the whole time," you laughed lightheartedly.

"A lot of people thought so." Matt smiled at you, giving you a light kiss on the tip of your nose.

Matthew parked the car in front of your parents' house and before you knew it, he was already opening your door and helping you out. You've been invited to this family meeting where would be both of your families and since they all wanted you and Matt to be a pair since you were babies, it will get wild when you go inside hand in hand and tell everyone the news.

"You already met my family so this saves you a traumatizing experience," you muttered, smiling as your boyfriend snorted with laughter.

"Likewise." Matthew pressed a last kiss in your hair and knocked on the door.

"Well, if it isn't Y/N and Matthew! Come inside!" It was Matt's mom and she hugged you so tightly you thought she crushed some of your bones. A strangled laugh escaped your lips and Matt, fully entertained, helped you out of his mother's grip. His hand automatically found yours, fingers intertwining and you blushed slightly, still not used to how affectionate he is in public.

"So, we've been waiting-" You looked over at Matt's mom, at how wide her eyes were and when you realized that she was staring at your connected hands, you smiled a little.

"Surprise," Matthew laughed awkwardly.

"Oh. My. God. It's happening!" Taryn screamed across the whole house before jumping on you two, trying to conceal her happiness. "Brady, you owe me fifty!"

Brady ran in through the kitchen dooor, looking at you and his sister, clearly annoyed.

"Shit, I thought it would take them less time to express their silly feelings."

"Did you really bet on us?" you asked, faking the surprise. Of course they did.

"Are you two really together? I didn't think this would actually happen-" Your mom embraced you and you answered by nodding.

"I didn't think so, too." you added, looking straight into your boyfriend's beautiful eyes. You felt the happiest you've ever been in your whole life, with all of your dreams suddenly becoming reality.

Throughout the evening you never stopped smiling, all the time hoding onto Matt's arm. And when you were left alone for a moment, you whispered into his ear:

"It's no longer you and me. It's us now."

Sleep didn't come when you went to bed. All you were thinking about was what's wrong with you and that everything is just your fault and that you're so stupid you can't even pass through the third year of the university.

So you started taking pills to silence your thoughts. It helped at the beginning but after a while, their efficiency wore off and you were left with your mind screaming, torturing you with your own thoughts.

The worst of it was that Matt noticed. He could see how you began to slowly fall apart, how distant you grew and the sight of it broke his heart.

"I am here for you, you know that, right?" he asked you once when you finished your homework and climbed into your bed.

"Of course I know that." you whispered back, watching his silhouette move as he hugged your numb body. You should have felt warm and safe in that moment - but you felt nothing.

"It seems like you're forgetting it. It seems like you're not even trying to care anymore."

You fell silent. As always, he was right.

And when you finally found the will to tell him how bad were you really feeling, you heard him softly snoring in his sleep.

So you closed your mouth and never spoke of it again.

...

You found yourself crying on the bathroom floor.

Your entire body shook as you wept and you couldn’t stop the tears escaping your eyes. The worst of it was that you were crying because you couldn’t detangle your messy hair - yeah, that was all, no big deal. Normally it was no big deal. Still, it was too much to handle by yourself and you had no idea what to do.

“Y/N? Are you crying?” you heard Matthew talking on the other side of the door. The handle moved but you locked yourself in as you realized you would fall apart in any moment.

“Let me in.” He sounded desparate and broken but you couldn’t move even if you wanted to. 

“Please, babe. Let me it,” you heard him panic. There was a loud bang as if he was throwing his body against the door, trying to break into the bathroom. 

“Matt...” you tried to say but the lump in your throat stopped you from telling him more. 

You didn’t hear him when he shouted at you to let you in. You didn’t hear him begging you to answer him. You didn’t hear as the door broke in its hinges.

All of your senses came back to you as Matthew’s arms picked you up from the cold floor, hugging you as close as he could while whispering: “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re okay-” Was he talking to you or to himself?

"I'm so sorry," you sobbed into his chest.

"Don't be, we're fine, we're doing great and we'll get through this-"

"Stop lying, Matt." As much as you wanted to believe him, you couldn’t lie to yourself anymore. No, you were not doing great. And no, you won’t get through this if you don’t acknowledge the real problem first. 

Matthew took one deep breath before getting closer, his forehead touching yours. 

“I love you, Y/N. I’ve loved you for a long time and I’ve given you all the time you needed to get used to living with me and I hate to see you falling apart because it’s only my fault that you’re here. And- and I think that it would be better if you would go to therapy, to see what’s wrong and to make you feel more comfortable-” 

“Okay,” you breathed out, not really thinking about what he was saying. You’ve tried and you’ve failed and if there was something that could help you, something that could save your relationship, you would try it no matter what.

...

It was Monday and you were coming home with a smile on your face - for the first time in what felt like years. 4 months of going to therapy made their own magic and you felt so happy for once again, feeling something other than emptiness. 

Of course it took some time. But you were patient, Matthew was patient and everything was coming back to normal.

You left the university and transferred back to your previous school, doing all the studying via online classes. In your free time, you started going to gym and training with Matt (he couldn’t be happier). You slept at least 8 hours a day, ate healtier than ever and this part of your life became the one you were proudest of.

“You look amazing, Y/N,” Matt told you as soon as you stepped into the apartment. He kissed your cheek softly and looked at you with that look of his, full of love, joy and care. 

You knew he wasn’t talking about the way you were dressed or about your hairstyle. He talked about that smile on your face and your bright eyes. 

“It’s the proof that I’m trying to care, Matty.” you smiled at him. He intertwined your fingers, tugging your hand closer so he could kiss your knuckles, one by one.

“I know that you are.” 

For a while, you two just stood there, in the middle of the living room, enjoying the comfort it brought you. And then Matthew started tickling you and you laughed and laughed and laughed as you felt the tears wetting your cheeks.

“I’m glad we got through this, Y/N.” he told you, watching the dimples in your cheeks. It was a long time since he saw them.