#mastcells

Nuven tiptoes around the study he has left behind, taking heavy steps back and forth as she retraces his. She cannot help but wonder, still, what he was thinking the night he chose to leave – as if walking around like he used to will somehow give her a clue as to why he left the Inquisition.

Why he left her.

She finally approaches his desk, almost reverently – as if he still sits there, watching her with his steady gaze. As if she needs permission to come forward and speak with him. She feels nervous, for one reason or another, as she pulls the old chair out and settles in it – it is too large for her, she thinks. Perhaps Solas had always been above it all, and beyond her reach. She had just been foolish enough to overlook it.

Nuven reaches for the things he has chosen to leave behind – the inkbottle, filled with dried, unused ink, and blank vellum left untouched. A letter would have sufficed, she thinks bitterly. She idly brushes her fingertips over the smooth table surface, letting the dust collect beneath them. She wonders, distractedly, if Revas’ old things are still there, back home – she wonders if the rest of the clan has removed the last of her dead sister. Her slow, muddled thoughts bring about a dull ache in her chest, and Nuven decides not to let her mind linger.

She reaches for one of his old texts – a dissertation on the Fade, on the nature of demons and spirits – and begins to read. How many times had he leafed through this book, brow tightly knit with concentration, and forgotten the real world all around?

The words all sound like him. She wonders if he is still reading somewhere, himself – perhaps in between valleys or strolling through forests, clutching knowledge close to his chest like a shield and a weapon. Nuven can almost hear his voice, reading aloud the text to her, until his voice filters through unreality and looming grief like a misplaced ray of sunlight in the middle of a rainstorm.

“Why do you seek me still?”

Her head snaps up and she sees him there – Solas, with his knowing gaze, his hands politely folded behind his back and a half-formed smile gracing his lips. When she doesn’t respond, he takes a step forward, saying, “That book you read. I must have recited it a thousand times over to you before.”

“Solas,” Nuven finally manages, his name escaping her lips in a sharp whisper. She rises to her feet, forgetting the text spread open before her, and circles the table to meet him halfway. “Solas,” she says again, and tears spring forth – then he is reaching out to her and pulling her into his arms, gentle and considerate.

“Nuven,” he murmurs into her hair. “You waited. I cannot imagine… the pain I must have caused you.”

“Worth it,” Nuven replies quietly. “This is worth it.”

“I… suspect you have questions.”

She considers, for a moment, before tilting her gaze up at him. A hand comes up to graze his cheek and he leans into the touch, closing his eyes.

“Just one.” She brushes the pad of her thumb near the corner of his lips. His eyes flutter open at her voice. “Why?”

“It is… difficult to explain. Only know first that I am deeply sorry.” His features tighten as he frowns, and Nuven feels her chest tighten along with it. “I left you. I left you to this empty place.”

“But you came back,” she says, leaning close. “For a moment I wasn’t entirely certain anymore. But I always had faith in you, Solas.”

“You listened… to my stories, to my thoughts. I have been irresponsible.”

“Hush.” She pulls him close and kisses him – a desperate, blooming gesture. He receives her and pours himself into it, arms coming around her waist to hold her closer to him. She breathes him in, letting his scent settle in the back of her throat. Tasting. Remembering.

Solas huffs a quiet laugh, pressing his forehead to hers. “Nuven.”

“Solas?”

“I want you to come with me.”

She meets his gaze, uncertain. “Where?”

“Everywhere,” he answers. It sounds so much like a promise. “We will never separate. We will walk this earth together and wander the Fade, day and night. You gave everything to be with me and I…” His voice wavers. “I want to give you everything, as well.”

“Solas-”

“In uthenera na revas,” he recites, almost lovingly. “There is a place we can both go, you know this.”

“Uthenera. You mean to cross the Veil forever.”

“With you. I wanted to ask you before… before making sure I am to go on alone.”

Nuven grips his arms as she tries to grasp his meaning. “But then I would leave the Inquisition-”

“Listen to me, Nuven. In uthenera na revas. I also mean to say that… your sister- I have found her.”

“Revas?”

Solas smiles, soft. “Yes. Wouldn’t you like to see her? Talk with her?”

“But…” Nuven’s grip slackens. “Solas… my sister.”

“Yes,” Solas nods. “I have said-”

“No.” Nuven shakes her head, prying herself from his grasp. She takes a shaky step back, fear blooming in her chest. “I never mentioned her to anyone. Never.”

Solas’ lips curl slightly. That’s when Nuven hears Cole.

“Unreal as the reality of his disappearance. Too much like him, too much unlike him. This one is a deceiver, come to seduce and destroy.”

And another: “I am afraid Cole is correct.”

“Solas?” Nuven spins to find him sitting at his desk with thinly veiled disdain in his gaze. He is not looking at her, but looking past her – at himself.

The other Solas lets out a hiss. “You trespass on my territory,” he says in a double voice. “I can give her everything she wants. But you? You failed her.”

“I am well aware of that. But you will manipulate her with desire no longer.”

“Unfortunate, but not a situation beyond salvaging, Solas.”

The desire demon heads straight for Nuven, but in a flash Cole is standing in front of her, daggers brandished-

Solas gets to his feet and, staff in hand, fires a spirit bolt in the demon’s direction. Being distracted with Cole, the desire demon is hit – it stumbles back, hand on chest, and for a moment Nuven has to discipline herself in order to not rush over to its side in concern. She glances at Solas – is this one real? – and watches him descend upon the demon with a magnificent fury in his eyes.

“It is time to go,” Solas says shortly, before hurtling more energy and spirit bolts at the desire demon until the deed is done. The demon is reduced to a pile of ashes, and Cole stoops down beside it, watching it closely.

“Solas-” Nuven cries out, approaching him.

He silences her with a raised hand and takes tentative steps towards her, features softening considerably as he looks upon her. He touches his palm to her cheek and she feels a slight tremor in his hand.

“Ir abelas,” he murmurs. “This is no fault of yours.”

“Solas-”

“I love you. Remember this well,” he presses his mouth to her forehead briefly, “when you wake.”

*

She jolts awake in Solas’ study, curled up in his chair. Cole is watching her from the doorway, haunted eyes filled with emotion. She is almost too afraid to ask.

“Cole? Was he here?”