#masa rambles

I just finished Chalice of the Gods and boy howdy. I was like. Where's Estelle? Then the bombshell pfft.

Anyway so this book was really interesting to me bc it touches on the concept of growing up in general. Things like remarriage, new siblings, big life changes in school and work. It's more than what I anticipated? Because then there's also the literal aspect. Cutting for spoilers idk.

I volunteer with my school's band program and I've always found the guard coach to be unreadable to me. She's just reserved and doesn't talk much about herself during rehearsal but has a deep love for the sport.

Anyway, I'm beginning this journey of being a single mother by choice. I'm getting tired of waiting for a partner and having it curb my dreams of being a mother. So I overheard said coach talking about her kids being IVF and I immediately scooted over and wanted to talk.

Later, I went to the clinic to get the process started. In the office, alone, I found myself overwhelmed with unfamiliar emotions. I trembled and got anxious and wanted to cry. But why? This is supposed to be big and positive and exciting!

She texted me later that day. Somehow she remembered my appointment day. She wished me well and said she'd go to appointments with me and basically do what she could to support me. I broke down in gross sobs. I still don't understand why.

Apparently the community of women going through this experience (infertility for whatever reason) bond in a unique way. Life is hard, and being a single mom is a big decision. My own mother works a job where she cannot just be present at my appointments on a whim. So I needed another person. I didn't expect that person to reach out first. Tumblr will always be my safe void, but I certainly didn't expect this unreadable woman to become a safe space as I go through this journey. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry some more.

My only dream for my future baby is they love the arts as much as I do. I want to read to them and create with them. I hope they will feel loved because even the dream fills me with it.

At some point I had this thought of Magnus Chase and Alex Fierro arguing about his hair length again. So they talk about doing goofy things like dying hair hot pink or braiding Magnus's hair if he refused to cut it.

Anyway so Alex gives him little braids and their hallmates walk by like bro why do you let Alex do whatever she wants (he really doesn't care) but when she's done she laughs bc she's reminded of Legolas. Maybe he needs to learn how to shoot a bow (no he doesn't.)

There's something about their sass that's cute on a different level from the other ships in the series. Not like it's better or worse, but their level of playful is so funny.