#martinsong

"Until one day, a young cat is led stumbling into camp by Hailfeather, and Martinsong’s heart is frozen with hopeful recognition. For a joyous second, she seems to have returned, some miraculous twist of fate born out of Starclan’s pity. But no, despite having her cream and brown fur, this cat has Martinsong’s eyes–Cinderfall’s eyes. This cat is his son, Cloverpaw, who had come seeking refuge from their misfortune-riddled past in their father’s clan. Martinsong is overcome with a swarm of emotions–guilt that his son was in such a state, that Martinsong hadn’t been there to help him when he needed it most. Alongside this, fear–he knew he had a kit, conceptually, but it had never registered as a reality to him until this moment–what the hell was he going to do? He barely knew this cat, had no idea how to guide and love them properly, and he wasn’t sure he even had the capability. All he had known of fatherhood was pain, and Martinsong was terrified of ever inflicting that same pain on this young, hurting cat. Of course, all this also returned a sharp pain to his own wounded heart, digging up a host of buried memories, as he spent each day looking upon a mirror of Rosewing’s–and in his mind, Cypressdusk’s–face. All this uncertainty was too much to bear, and Martinsong relegated himself to avoiding Cloverpaw as much as possible. It wasn’t kind, Martinsong knew, but at least by minimizing their interactions, Martinsong minimized the chances he could irreversibly hurt this cat. When Cloverpaw became Cloversplash, Martinsong stood off to the sidelines–proud that his son had become a warden, and in some ways glad that this cat had spent so much of his life without Martin, convinced that this cat succeeded best without Martinsong’s influence."

"a part of him still desperately longs for a connection with Cloversplash, a chance to be the sort of father Martinsong never had. But Martinsong just can’t seem to do it right, just can’t find a way to form a true bond. Just as he did with Rosewing, Martinsong’s feelings towards Cloversplash are in constant turmoil, tumbling between distaste for his son who can’t seem to do anything correctly, who just won’t give Martinsong a chance–and distaste for himself, since Martinsong was the wrong one, and he didn’t deserve to have such a wonderful son anyway. Maybe one day, this tortuous dance of emotions will end, and Martinsong will find a way to finally leave his past behind."