I think my quest over the last few years to beat sadness has made good progress.  Maybe my name on here should change.

But I feel very alone.  I love my wife and my life, but as I sit in a coffee shop and watch couples engage, I long to be touched and wanted.  I don’t get that.  I know she loves me and our family, but I miss that feeling of youth when your lover just needs to touch you, to feel you.  I mean we make love, but is she really that into me like years ago?  no.

My desires are blown off as just my being “male”.  I cannot believe how much my needs and wants are seen as not important.  Any other guys know what I am saying?

I am learning this is what life has dealt the middle aged guy.  Reduced to not important to the women they love. 

This feeling of lonely I cannot share with anyone.  It hurts. To fight it or to leave or to cheat makes me the bad one.  

We heard of a husband who left his wife and kids.  Everyone called him a jerk.  I wondered, did his wife fuck him with passion ever in the last few years?  But society wont let us ask that question at a dinner party.

like i’m not out at work because it just hasn’t really come up lol i haven’t had a girlfriend in years and everyone’s ever asked me only implicit questions about my relationship status (“so are you married?” or whatever) and i admit i was pretty careful about it at the beginning because i just didn’t trust people to not react to it weirdly. (in addition to that i’m not even officially out to my parents though i’m pretty sure they do suspect lmao.)

and it turned out to be a good decision not to come out at work because i’ve heard so many times “you know, i don’t mind gay people, but…[some of the most offensive shit i’ve ever heard]” by my (same age as me or younger!) co-workers—they do know it bothers me but they think i’m being overly ‘politically correct’ or something (instead of, yknow, just a decent human being that respects other people???)

anyway, this and next week i’m co-teaching a seminar for new trainees at my company, and we were introducing ourselves and one guy told us he’s married. he’s my age, so it’s not too unusual, but some of the other trainees wanted to know more about it (for how long, what does his ring look like, does he have kids yet etc) and he was talking about it in very… gender neutral terms which isn’t THAT hard to do in german but when you do notice that kind of stuff you really notice it, if that makes sense lol. so the whole time my brain went oh my god he’s married to a man.

and then someone asks “well how old is she?” and he’s just like. “HE is [age]”

and i just

i’m sure it took a lot, especially because that bunch doesn’t know each other that well yet but it sounded so easy for him (and the others reacted really well) and while i was happy about that, i’m so so jealous he’s out to those people. just like that. and i can’t even be like “heyyyy NICE, more lgbt rep!!” because my co-workers with the stupid ass opinions were there, too, and i’m a coward. 🙃

It has been a year since I began this blog on Tumblr.  It was just after I met the “Wispy Haired Guy”.  He was so open with his cautionary story, and he shared his journey.  Made me step back and not get caught up in the fantasy, but instead to look reality hard in the face.

I probably avoided some personal dark times as I was not clear on where I was or what I wanted.  I imagined I could be two things at once, but life does not allow that very often, so I stood back and looked at what mattered more to me and made the right decisions for me.  

The “Wispy Haired Guy” still fights his demons, but what I saw in the few hours we spent together was a good soul whose best days were far out ahead of him.  A man with a heart, a man who cares do deeply (maybe too much) for others, and a man who can make a difference in the lives of those he touches.

As for the one who hurt him, I have some speculations, but that person is not known to me.... so I wont share my thoughts on his weakness.  He is clearly not worthy of the love that was shared with him.

I know you read this blog, my “Wispy Haired Guy” friend.  Smile.  I am never wrong when I proclaim a judgement on the soul of those I get to know.  I am always right.  You have a magic inside of you that I wish you would get to know.  I saw it, and it was real.