#manybitchinglights

And I have figured it out since then! I have! I was being normal!! But the pattern match was so powerful, it overrode all context, just, it all whited out, and suddenly "I am behaving normally, I am not out of line" combined with "I seem to have seriously bothered someone" and skipped some important steps and then became "IT'S YOU! THEY'VE BEEN RECOILING FROM YOU ALL ALONG, ALL YOUR LIFE; YOU'VE NEVER BEEN IN CONTROL OF THIS AND YOU NEVER WILL BE" annnnnd. that was extremely upsetting. I cried a little. I mean, I've been investing a lot of time and effort into not coming to that conclusion since I was very small, and all the important groundwork was laid when I was very small, and it turns out my response to being unexpectedly challenged on that point was...still that of someone fairly small. ("BAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.")