#maethyl

...unfortunately that first part is only half for the shock factor. the other half is that im tired but dont want to forget to say anything about this now :skull:

and im not completely sure when the plurality happens or when mae will realize it, but for now - and especially as shes dawnburnt - its on the backburner and not well-realized. its also osdd-1b, half because all the trauma causing it happened well into her 20s, and half because thats meee :3 hiii :3

i think all she knows atm is that there are clawing voices and desires somewhere in the back of her mind. they sound like her, they almost feel like her, but... its different. its as if you took only pieces of her - snapshots of certain times, feelings, opinions - and gave them a microphone, an influence over her.

sometimes it's faint, and sometimes it's so strong they can pinpoint who's who. and beyond that, sometimes - seemingly at complete random - theyll cloud her judgement as a whole; an influence so strong it becomes Her for a time.

and atm, thats a) all she understands for now and b) on the backburner bc of her current dawnburnt goals... but i think post-dawnburning is when things in her mind will Really get clearly plural and begin to like. open up to her lol

also disclaiming here that this is probably gonna be a bunch of like. vaguely connected ramblings on a bunch of different things o7

like more pin-pointed ways angel was fucked up, the specific things shed say/do both out of love and out of fear, jealousy, etc. i Would say "love and hatred" there but its hard to say that angel ever hated mae; the closest she ever got to that would be sudden flares of rage, but even then she loved her. she just thought they didnt love her back/werent listening to her/etc.

really, to angel mae is like. well. an angel. soft fluffy wings and a bright halo held high. so beautiful and reverent. something so far above what she was: the cruel, selfish, irrational devil, with hands forever soaked in blood - the moment she reached for those wings, she knew. it was always going to end in bloodshed. she could already see it, the white feathers stained red from a single touch. and a lot of that is because while angel gets into relationships and hurts others for her own fun, she actually loved maethyl. she truly fell in love with her, unlike many of her other relationships and flings that were guided by her love for love itself or need to run away from/reassure her insecurities and such.

so one part of her wanted the best for her, while another wanted her all to herself. really, deep down, angel thinks that the best thing mae could do is to just run far away and never look back. but she couldnt bear the idea of that, so there's the second-best option: keeping them all to herself in the best heaven she could make.

when she wasnt scared/angry/etc., angel was actually very sweet and considerate. she loved sending mae letters and gifts, checking in on them and ensuring they were okay, and just hanging out. to be with someone who actually loved and cared for someone like her gave her a lot of hope. and for mae, angel was such a light in their life. she was there for them no matter what; even at their worst she was there to drag them out of it and help them to their feet again. they got out more, took care of themselves and rested more, and just focused on their own happiness, all for her.

and so when they were together it was beautiful. everything had more light in it, even the most mundane things held beauty, and anything was fun. it was more so the idea that they loved and cared for each other, made one another happy just out of their own hearts, that made them so happy to be with each other.

we're flying too (a chain reaction)

close to the sun (natural progression)

I get on stage and I call her by her first name Tried to stay away but I always meet her back at this place

She gives me everything I feel no pain I break down, get up, and do it all again Because it's never enough and she makes me feel loved I can come here and scream as loud as I want

Everybody dance Everybody sing Everybody move Everybody scream

Here I don't have to be quiet Here I don't have to be kind, extraordinary, normal all at the same time But look at me run myself ragged, blood on the stage - But how can I leave you when you're screaming my name?! Screaming my name

But I will come for you in the evening, ragged and bleeding Shaking my gold like a tambourine A bouquet of brambles, all twisted and tangled I'll make you sing for me, I'll make you scream...

Everybody dance Everybody sing Everybody move Everybody scream

Here I can take up the whole of the sky Unfurling, becoming my full size Look at me burst through the ceiling Aren't you so glad you came? Breathless and begging and screaming my name Screaming my name...

Everybody jump Everybody sing Everybody move Everybody scream Everybody shake Put down your screen Everybody up Everybody scream