#madaaamn

So We made it. 

God... there have been so many times where... It felt like this would be it. Our forever. Forever caught in a loop of school and pain and depression. Forever caught in the time warp of high school. But we didn't .... and... it feels weird looking back... because looking back it seems so short... but I know it lasted more than a lifetime. 

Eighth grade was.... strange for me... I changed so completely into something I'd always sworn I'd never be... and I found out I liked it so much better... I liked being the nerd. I liked being heard... having a voice in a conversation. I never realized my voice would become as influential to you guys as it is today. I never dreamed I'd keep the same friends this long... it's never happened to me before... I've always lost my friends in one way or another. They've always left. But Ruby, Mia... you have been by my side, helping me learn my way since the beginning. And there is no way I can ever thank you for that. You two helped me make an actual three dimensional human being of myself, and I can't imagine a life without you guys anymore. 

And then summer happened and my life fell apart and everything fell apart and I felt like I was choking and I couldn't breath. But I just knew I had to take care of Mia... and somehow, Ruby found it in her to take care of me... 

I don't know how I made it through freshman year... probably through a lot of poetry responses, and just being around you guys... I know if I'd have been pulled from school like I remember my parents threatening, blaming you guys for my depression, I probably wouldn't have survived the year. You guys were, and always have been my utmost reason to survive. 

Sophomore year wasn't much better. I just kinda, threw myself into healthier means of coping...most of the time. ...Okay some of the time. I remember everything falling apart again, but this time it was between all of us... It was one of the worst moments in my life... to find out you two hated me... I know now that isnt and has never been true. Sophomore year seemed to just drag on and on, But near the end... I found myself being able to smile more... sometimes the world didnt look so black. 

and then Junior year. Aha.... So I want to start off with an apology... I betrayed you both and I regret it so much... You two were my biggest supporters and I let myself become so blind that I chose someone toxic over you. I'll never forgive myself for that and I just want you guys to know how sorry I truly am... Junior year was another I was ready to die, and even tried to end it more than once... 

And the summer crushed me. I was so broken I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't even hold a conversation because I was just so empty, so hurting. You two helped in every way you could... and god damn it I thank you guys so much... Mia for coming that day... because if it weren't for you, I'd have killed myself that night... and Ruby for being my first visit after a summer of solitude. You two did everything you could to help me and thank god that it was enough.  Because I dragged my way into senior year. 

And it's been the best year I've had in what feels like a lifetime. Because even though I had anxiety bordering on needing therapeutic help, and PTSD that comes and goes, and depression that does the same, I was freer than I've ever been. I've learned to take care of myself, and I'm happy to say after the panic attacks, and after fighting with Ruby over the same mistakes... after everything... I think we've come out on top... I've learned how to be stable. I've learned so much from all of you...

Yeah, Anna, Jenni i didnt forget you two dont worry!

Ania, God damn it you are a fucking genius and don't you dare waste it. DECIDE ON A FUCKING MAJOR LAZY ASS. ;D  Thank God for blessing me with you in the year I needed you most, because shit I don't even know if I'd have graduated without you this year, and I KNOW I'd have beat my brains out in English last year without you. Dammit, who am I gonna have the same sense of humor with in CAH now?! But you've taught me how to stay focused...and I think youre the strongest girl I know. I've never once seen you cry over anything... and youre so confident and I think some of that rubbed off on me and I NEEDED that. As someone who has never before been confident in their ability... It's nice to be proud of myself for the first time ever. 

and Jenniiiiii my bae Glinda!!! I'm going to miss singing with you. You've pushed me so much this year. Into getting a solo, into singing soprano, into ANOTHER solo, into performing for the class... You've pushed and pushed and I've become so much better because of it. Had I been in there alone, I would have sat in the back and stayed quiet and sung alto and hated every minute of it. But you made choir one of the favorite classes I've ever taken, and I love you for it. I wish you luck in making the decision we talked about, (the not seeing thing), I know whatever decision you make will be for the best. You are so beautiful and so talented and I thank you for all youve done for me and for listening to me rant at least once a week. 

INTERNET FRIENDS. YOU GUYS ARE IMPORTANT TOO. Namely, Mads, Shannon, and Becca (and my Hyuu-chan but she doesnt follow me so she wont see this, but Hyuu-chan also kept me alive last summer and probably was the one who did the most for me as she was the only person I was able to socialize with during a very long period of time where I saw no one) Thank you guys for always being there when I need you. Like... you guys have no idea what it means to me. Really. You guys are beautiful people inside and out and I WISH THE YOUNGERS GOOD LUCK ON GRADUATION AS WELL. and to Becca, I just wish you good luck in life. Because you ...already did the college thing and stuff so...yeah. ANYWHO. You guys are some of the most amazing people I've ever met. Truly astonishing, and you remind me that there are good people left in the world. I love you guys. 

and lastly, again, my babus, in case my previous recount of high school didnt tell you, you two are my life force. You've given me so much and you are the best friends I could ever ask for. I love you both so much, and I'll never EVER forget you. Which is why I'm excited for Christmas. Because we're gonna get bitchin' tats to make sure of it. You two are the most wonderful, beautiful and also the most strong women I've ever met but for a totally different reason. I know all of the bullshit we've gone through in the years. Family pain, deaths, depression, self-harm, abuse, scares... We come out of high school marred and torn, with memories that could send people weaker screaming into hell and back, where they often took us... but we came out of high school. We're here and we're alive and we never have to go back. We can look back and say, I made it. I've done it. And I'm moving on with my life. So to steal a quote from our OH SO LOVELY salutatorian's speech, 

"Ships are safe in the harbor, but that's not what ships are meant for."