I’ve wanted to write one of these for aaaages, but never got around to it because I wanted to have enough time to focus on what needed to be said. And we were talking nonstop for the last few weeks, so anything I wanted to say to you came up in our never-ending Skype conversations.
Things have been really hard for you lately. I know exactly the pain you’ve been going through because I’ve been in that position too. I know ending it is so tempting and feels like the best solution to everything going on. But even though you’re tempted, you’re still here, living and breathing. You are so fucking strong for being able to get through all you have - not just over the last month, but basically your whole life. I’ve known you for over three years, and in those three years you have grown so much. So many obstacles have been put in your path, and yet you overcome them all. Any other human being wouldn’t have been able to survive what you have. You have this tendency to understate the hell that is your life, as though what you’re going through isn’t such a big deal. You’ve had to deal with far more than people should, you’ve undergone more challenges than anyone I have met. And yet you continue on at full force. Yes, you may crumble, but you then do your best to start over and believe again.
Anyone would have turned bitter and closed themselves off to the world if they were in your position. You haven’t. You still maintain relationships and give your all to others. You’re so caring and selfless, despite how little you receive in return. It always astonishes me how you can be so supportive even when you are feeling at your lowest. No matter what you’re going through, you always try to be there. That is one of the things I love so much about you, but also worries me. You put others first all the time, but rarely think of yourself as a priority.Â
However, that’s why you have your friends. When you think you’re not worth it, remember that we will always love you and put you first. You deserve to be a priority. If I were chatting with you right now, you would protest, which is one of the reasons I’m glad you can’t respond to this. xD Just listen. Remember back in 2011/2012 when we had those plans to change the world some day? We were going to start a revolution. Help people believe in themselves, show them why they should continue living. We still want to do that, but our plans aren’t as… Out there. Anyway. My point is, regardless of the fact that you were suffering, you wanted to help others who were suffering. And that’s one of the reasons why you deserve to be helped too. Why I will always stand by you, no matter what happens. Because as much as I want to show other people why they are incredible in every way, more than anything I want to show you that. I wish I could lend you my eyes so you could see yourself through them the way I see you. You are so beautiful, even though you are struggling. Your constant desire to move forward always inspires me. No matter how many times you’re knocked down, you still get back up.
I wanted to say “you’re going to save people some day”, but that statement would be wrong because you save people already. Your published writing has definitely touched a lot of lives. You told me that people are responding positively - as they should be. Everything you do is from the heart, no holds barred. Which is how I know if people are appreciating your work, they also understand the subject material and would be so immeasurably grateful to you for putting it out there. For showing them they are not alone. Sometimes that’s enough to keep a person going. Letting them know there are others out there who understand. You provide that for your readers - you provide them with much needed solace.
You’ve saved me countless times. I mean it. You have listened to me cry on the phone far too much, you’ve read my lengthy rants on Facebook, you’ve dealt with my antisocial “fuck everything and everyone attitudes”. Jesus, woman, why are you still around? I haven’t made it easy on you yet you still stay and for that I can’t thank you enough. Back in January of 2013 I called you sobbing, saying how I couldn’t do this anymore, and you know what? At the end of that hour phone call, you had me laughing. You have no idea how hard it is to get me out of a bad mood once I’m in it because you always manage to make me smile after a few minutes. Not a lot of people can do that. There was another night in mid-2012 when everything got too much. I even said my goodbyes to people. I stopped talking to everyone and thought that was it. I was done. I went radio silent on everyone. Everyone except for you. You helped me through the worst and kept me going. These are just two instances out of the many where you’ve been my lifeline. Damn it, woman, I don’t know how I can ever repay you for how you’ve supported me over these last few years. Even though we’ve had arguments from time to time and split ways, we always come back to eachother. You know better than anyone how many people have walked away, because at one point you were the single person who hadn’t bailed on me. You stayed, even when I was an annoying piece of shit who drove you crazy. xD Even when we fight, we make up soon after. This life feels empty without you. When we stop talking, everything feels wrong. And when we talk again, it’s like order has been restored to the world.
When I talk to you, everything feels lighter. You and I haven’t had it easy, but together things seem easier. Like so long as we have one another we’ll be able to get through whatever comes our way. I’ve seen you at your worst and please remember that I still love you for exactly who you are. I don’t just love your perfections, because that would be ignorant. I love all of you, the whole you. Your flaws don’t make you any less of a human being.Â
You’re honestly the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting. Back when we had our first conversation in 2011, I didn’t realize how much you would mean to me. I didn’t realize that I was meeting my long lost sister. You’re not just my best friend. That word is such an understatement. It almost feels like an insult to call you that because it doesn’t even begin to explain what you are to me. You are my family and you always will be.Â
Your magical person/cowfucker/chickenshit.
PS. You have the worst nicknames for me. >.>
