#m.h

This isn’t exactly related to you. I just finished watching season one of 13 Reasons Why, and I want to talk about it, about how it made me feel.

I loved it, I loved the feel of it. I love cassette tapes. I want to watch it again even though I just finished it half an hour ago. But I think I need time to recover.

I didn’t know the suicide scene would be so graphic. I mean, of course I saw the trigger warning before the episode stating that it contained graphic descriptions of violent and suicidal content, but I didn’t think too much of it. I just though they would like you know, film the razerblade, and then cut to her bleeding in the bathtub. But no, they showed everything. All of it. The whole process, her struggling, her breathing, her wrists. And it made my wrists hurt.

I think it was in episode 9, i might be wrong, where Clay is supposed to show new exchange students the school premises and tell them about the student environment and such, and instead he breaks out into an outrage like I’ve seen a picture of here in a previous letter. He yells about everyone being so nice until they drive you to kill yourself. In that moment, I felt him. I felt his anger, his emotions. His betrayal.

Hannah mentions in the episode where she talks about Zach (I think) that she feels lonely. Not the kind of lonely where you feel lonely in a crowd of people. Just utterly lonely, no real connection with another human. Totally isolated from “friends” and classmates. Empty inside. That’s exactly what I feel, couldn’t have described it better myself. Of course I have friends, like I mentioned before I have 2 good friends. One is my best friend, the other is more of an acquaintance now.

He used to talk to me, you know. We had a real connection. I had a crush on him, and he had a girlfriend. We talked about movies, fan theories, school-work and other stuff. We still do, but not as much. I don’t really know what happened. Maybe he felt bad about spending time with another girl. I have sociology with a friend of his. He’s nice. He has actually started to notice me, and talk to me now. And I’m grateful.

This show. This fucking show. It’s so brutally honest about suicide and how it affects people. *Spoilers*

The season ends with Alex shooting himself in the head. I was taken off guard. It was so unexpected, and yet, all the signs were there. He had no plans for the future, didn’t care for the consequences he might face if the truth came out. He didn’t care if other people beat him up. All the signs were there, and I didn’t notice him. I thought it might have been Justin or Bryce who shot himself. Really makes you wonder what you might be missing out on people around you.

To conclude this letter, I am really grateful that this show exists. It has made second guess what I see around me in school and at home. It has made me value myself. It has made my love for cassette tapes grow. I feel like I have to get a walkman now.

Love,