#lupie

I've said it once and I'll say it again, date with chronic illnesses is almost impossible. I decided to try again and well, my results have been the same....either being completely disrespected or totally ghosted. I don't think my plus one is out there. And I'll be honest, it breaks my heart.

Once upon a time, dating used to be kind of easy. I was thin and pretty and the right type of man actually came around me. I had meaningful conversations and things kind of went somewhere. But after my divorce things got harder. And I got older and sicker things progressively got harder and well let's just say the pool of men was infested with algae and piss. Like I just can't believe what is coming my way now.

I get men with hundreds of kids or who don't have goals or careers or who are abusive( verbally and mentally), or who are very judgemental or who just ghost me. And well I will be honest, it hurts. It has made me question who I am amd what I am doing.

Allow me to explain. I know I'm not as thin as I used to be, I'm working on that, but I still have a great personality and many things to bring to the table. But apparently that's not good enough. The constant rejection has made me question my essential being and things like my approach to conversation, my reactions to certain things and what I reveal in conversation. I just don't understand anymore. I try and try and no matter what I get ghosted or rejected, most often times after they find out about my chronic illnesses or they when they find out I have a career ( which is quite odd). I have tried many ways to present it all and well each time it just doesn't work out.

At first it didn't hurt too bad but now the pain is deep. Some days I want to cry. I just want a fair chance like anyone else. I want a chance for that first date, a chance for good conversation and magic. But sadly I'll never get it. My guy friends try to make me feel better by saying it's not me it's them but I know the reality...it is me.

I try to paint a brave face like it's okay but I realize that I do deserve love and special things. I do deserve someone to go out to dinner with and to special events with. But, alas I guess I won't have that. It's just me, myself and I. I guess I've met my match. It's over now.

So what now? I'll wipe my tears, hold my head up high and find a new path. I'm sure there is some greater calling and purpose out there for me. One that doesn't require a mate. So here's to the new journey and the success it will bring.

If I have learned anything in my 34 almost 35 years, perhaps it's been that relationships serve a purpose in our lives and teach us different things, even the relationships with our family members.

Most recently I have learned that many of my relationships are evolving and some for the better, some for worse and some are dissolving. And the even harder part has been to just let things go.

Sometimes we go through things in such a way that shakes our entire being and changes everything we know and are comfortable with in order to open our eyes to what it is we need to see and gives us just enough to lay a new foundation for the life we need to live. And this new life doesn't include certain people....and that is absolutely fine. But it takes time to be okay with that, and that's just fine.

I have also learned that sometimes we hold onto relationships because we feel we have to do so out of obligation but in reality we don't. There is not one obligation anywhere to be had. The only obligation we have is to ourselves, and that is what is important.

So what is the point of all this? What am I trying to say? I'm saying this: stop trying to fit people in your life who don't belong. Stop going after people who don't want want you in their life. Stop breaking your neck for people who don't do the same for you. Stop going back to things that have proven to to be a dead situation. Stop investing time into things that won't contribute to your growth. Basically, STOP THE BULL AND START FINDING YOUR JOY. Start investing in you. Start surrounding yourself with things that bring you joy. Start engaging in activities that contribute to your success. Start having productive conversations. Start filling your space with the people and things that build you up.

I realized that there were so many people in my life that made me cry and broke my heart day in and day out and caused me to be still. These people had joy because they could suppress me but I regained my power and peace which broke the force field they had over me. Is my circle smaller? Yes. But I'd rather have that than have a larger circle that broke my heart.

And this really applies to romance as well. Having potential partners who just waste your time with empty words and promises just to string you along...they have no value in your life. Let it go. Open the space for that right person.

So take time to evaluate your relationships. This will take time but you will soon see yourself grow. And remember, happiness is temporary but joy is something deep that can't be taken away.

I've written on this many times, but today it struck me hard. And maybe because today I was having the day from hell already. Let me run the play by play:

I decided to maybe try dating again and started an online profile. I had a guy message me who seemed halfway normal. Well, he called me and that's when shit hit the fan. It came out the bag that I have multiple chronic illnesses and well here we go. He asked some of the usual questions like when I was diagnosed and what I had and how do I manage and I answered his questions and then he asked this: well why are you trying to even date? It just seems like with all you have going on that it's hard for you to date. Like I feel like I would break you or kill you. Maybe you shouldn't be dating at all. Maybe you just need a friend to talk to. I don't think you can really do anything. You don't need to be out here dating or trying to find love.

And that's when I got mad. I have heard this before. Every man I have met since my major diagnoses has said this in some way shape or form. Apparently I'm not supposed to have love in my life because I'm chronically ill. I'm supposed to live a sad and lonely life all because my body decided to betray me. Good thing I disagree with this.

I didn't say much to this gentleman except thanks for your time, although he begged to still keep in touch. I told him thanks but no thanks, I don't want to block my blessings or space with someone who obviously doesn't have my best interests at heart but I appreciate the 5 minutes you gave this situation. But I'll be honest, I'm really getting tired of being pushed off because of my situation of life. I didn't choose to be to diagnosed with 17 chronic illnesses. This is just one plot twist in my story, not my whole story and if you got to know me you would see that. I firmly believe that I shouldn't have to beg someone to want to get to know me or see how awesome I am, if someone wants to be in your life, they will make it happen. So ultimately this was his loss. But I digress. A diagnosis of a chronic illness does not make you any less of a human or less of a prime candidate for dating. Just because we have our challenges doesn't mean we don't want a partner in life or someone to be by our side to help make this hell of a life a bit better.

I'm a woman first and always, and it just so happens to also be a lupie, endo and adenomyosis warrior, CRPS fighter, heart disease champ, autoimmune disease shattering lady, gastroparesis tackling chick, asthma and allergy fighter, IBS warrior, psoriasis fighter, CKD kicker, DDD dancin', Raynaud's bustin', migraine shattering, anemia shooting and neuropathy managing badass. And I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

Hey y’all, just thought I’d throw this out there. Come valentine’s day this february, this will mark my 4th year as a survivor and lupus warrior. Had a scare recently but I’m okay uwu

Lupus, in any of its various forms, is scary as hell to deal with and to have to go through for ANYONE, young and old alike.

Please take the time to look at what Lupus is and how you can help fund research to find a cure for this insanely dangerous disease.