#lungkot

sa mga bagay na aking nararanasan ay parang gusto ko nalang iwasan ang mundo at kalimutan,

sana sa susunod na buhay ay maramdaman ko ang totoong halaga ng buhay

wind or rain // closed curtains or open window // bumblebees or butterflies // banana bread or cheesecake // tulips or roses // lemon & honey or apple & cinnamon // hillside cottage or city apartment // warm or cool // book or video game // organized bullet journal or cluttered sketchbook // smoothie or milkshake // sunshine or moonlight // relaxing or productivity // holding hands or back hugs // sunset at the beach or stargazing in a field // poetry or prose // candle or diffuser // longing for the past or longing for the future // vocals or instrumentals // snowy mountain or rolling green hills

I used to be happier when I am with my family before. There is a sense of contentment and excitement, while they share their stories during the day.

Now, it has been replaced with TORTURE. I dread being with them. Their stories are now filled with critical comments about other people, their appearance and actions, how they talk, and even how their babies look like. Although not entirely pointed towards me, but hearing those comments on an every day basis will get into my thoughts. I tried zoning out and filtering their words during dinner time. I tried eating as fast as I could to limit the sounds of their voices. However, it is not effective. Tangina. I’m trying to make myself better by painting and reading, going back to my old habits and learning new ones. But how can I effectively do that? When all I hear are just mean comments? I do not know who to talk to about this. I tried even contacting a suicide hotline just for me to feel better, just for someone to talk to. I tried the text version of that to deescalate my emotions and think rationally. How long will I have to do this? How can I be better if my immediate environment is the reason why I am like this?

I am currently under the covers. the safest place that I can be, trying to listen to songs with the appropriate volume to mask all of their voices. 2020 has been tough for all of us, but being stuck in the house for almost a year now, quite insane. I learned to despise what I was looking forward to before. I had so many regrets that I could not do anymore. Hearing what they would usually talk about are making me regret it even more.

I regret not having constant friends or not being able to have one. I suck at being friends, I do not even have a chance to make friends with everything happening right now.

I regret not knowing where to look for help or how to even find one. 

Lastly, I regret now knowing myself better each and every day. I realize that my relationship failed because I am not growing as a person. I am stagnant, no excitement, nothing. I am still the Jasmine you know four years ago, in a bad way. I just do not know how I can cope up with this. 

I do not know how to get better. 

If you want to know what I am currently listening: 

Mapa-kanta o dibuho, ikaw ang dala-dala, ang laman at mensahe ng bawat letra, linya at paksa.

Ikaw ang simula, ang katawan, at katapusan

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mahal, kung sakaliman

Kung sakilang may ikaw at ako

Kung sakaling may tayo

Iisa lang ang hinihiling ko

Iisa lang

Mahal na sana