#lovemaze

I’ll be your love maze

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it’s past midnight and I can’t seem to find you.

its hard to believe it’s been 4 years since I have been on this adventure with such a great group of guys. I am a member of the korean pop group BTS, there’s 7 of us and touring can be....interesting. The leader of the group is RM, he’s also the only one fluent in English. Then we have Jin, V, J-hope, Suga and Jimin.

When I started this group I was 14 years old and jimin sought me out, being the youngest, people thought I needed the most help and protecting. RM and Jin are my mentors but Jimin is my best friend. We balance each other out so well. I’m shy in public so he’s always helping me know what to do, how to act and brings me out of my shell. Jimin is his own worst critic, he thinks he’s not talented which blows my mind, he has a voice of an angel, I help him see this as best I can.

Sitting in the back of the suv on our way to a interview, I can’t seem to get comfortable. I’m nervous and I don’t really care for my outfit. They dressed me in all black, this turtleneck is suffocating me, the suit jacket is tight but the only upside are the soft back dress pants. I’m fidgeting, my cuffs are too tight! Out of the corner of my eye I see V get up and Jimin takes his place beside me. He knows immediately how I feel and has come to soothe me.

“You’re fine Jungkook” he says while bumping my shoulder with his own. “Stop messing with your clothes, you’ll wrinkle them.” Honestly I don’t care, people won’t criticize me for that.

“Easy for you to say, you look handsome as always” I say cutting him a glance, he’s absolutely beautiful and not a flaw on him, trust me I’ve looked. They gave him something comfortable to wear of course, black tight jeans, a white under shirt and a black jean jacket. It’s infuriating and amazes me at the same time.

He takes my hand and starts humming a beautiful tune, takes me a moment to realize it’s his song, serendipity. His hands are soft as silk but they are so cold it makes me shiver. I look at his hands perplexed at how perfectly they fit together, this shouldn’t be, it’s wrong. I look up into Jimin’s eyes and his face drops and pulls his hand away. “Sorry” he rubs his hands together “i dont know why I’m always cold.” I don’t mind his chill, it complements my warm nature and truly does soothe me, and I don’t want to admit what else it does to me either. I try hard not to blush.

Now that Jimin has pulled away, he still sits by me but is looking down and rubbing his hands together, he always gets like this when he thinks he’s crossed some line for me. I wrap my arm around the back of his seat and lean closer, “Jimin, don’t be that way” I tap his opposite shoulder, “you’re touch even when cold still soothes me, I’m so much better now, thank you.” He snaps his gaze up at me like he doesn’t believe what I’m saying....did I just cross a line? Is it normal for a man to knock the wind out of another with just a simple look? Just then the suv stops and the door opens, we all climb out and stare up at the high rise in front of us.

RM comes over and steps up behind both me and jimin and says, “let’s go boys, be our charming selves” and we all walk forward. RM grabs my arm lightly making me fall behind and says “your by me remember, we can’t always have you around Jimin, makes it look like you don’t enjoy the other members” he pauses and grins “can’t seem like you have a favorite”. But I do, and that’s what frightens me.

At first what he said makes sense but now that I’ve grown up and been apart of this family for 4 years I see how hypocritical that is. J-hope and Suga are always around each other working on raps to impress RM. Jin is always around RM sharing in the responsibilities of being the oldest and running the group, part of me also wonders if it’s more then that....and would that be okay? Would I mind being around two men who love each other? I’ve never thought about it.

The interview went by in a daze, more mundane questions that RM has to translate and corny jokes from Jin. One thing Jimin and I have that some dont is we can look at each other know what the other is thinking. I would feel eyes on me and look up and see Jimin give me a little wave. Or I’d be memorized at his cute grin and he look at me and wink. He truly enjoys these things more then me, but tries to make them enjoyable for me. That happened multiple times today, especially by the end.

When we leave the interview we all head to a restaurant to eat together while we are out. It can be a hassle but we don’t like to buy out a restaurant like other groups. Jimin sat next to V and I sat across the table between Jin and Suga. Food is definitely my favorite thing and sometimes I fall out of the conversation due to enjoying my food that much but something shocks me out of my daze.

Something touched my foot, I immediately go still. I look across the table instinctually and see a tiny half smile on Jimin’s face. I swallow my food and move just an inch and he reacts to my movement by rubbing his foot up my leg. The feel of his touch sparks something I don’t understand inside me. I know I shouldn’t feel like this but I don’t want to be caught but I also don’t want him to stop. Jimin laughs at something Jin said and asks RM a question diverting eyes away from what’s really going on. Many things run through my head, how do they not know what’s going on? Is this okay? I know were friends but is this that line again? Should I cross it? Do I even care? In the tiny second jimin stops, I take my foot and slide it inside his pant leg, soft eye slowly move to meet mine. The brief look intoxicating yet shocked but I could swear I saw pain in his eye for a second. Was that too far? Will he hate me now? I immediately pull away and finish my meal.

When we are out of town and away from the dorms we always get out own hotel room. Though sometimes there is two beds in one room they except us to want our own privacy. But like always Jimin and I are drawn to each other like magnets. He slips into my room in a white silk shirt with a few buttons undone and grey lounge pants. “Hey, what’s on the agenda tonight? Video games? A movie? As he’s asking me questions when he notices my face. “What’s wrong Jungkook?” He reaches my side and sits on the bed so close there’s no gap at all. He smells like musk and hibiscus, a strange combination but it I’ve always loved it. Tends to make my head swim, I can never think straight around him. I hang my head “nothing today just got to me, that’s all” Jimin nods and rubs his hand on my back. “I understand, it happens to all of us” but I don’t think he understands the pressure I’m under.

“But I’m the youngest and the most to prove and i dont know what’s right to say and do” I gulp “I don’t want to let you and the ARMY down by showing too much of my true self” his hand immediately stops mid stroke and takes it away like I burned him.

What did I say wrong? I hate when he does this and with no explanation. “Sorry” I say hanging my head again, I get up to walk away, to do something with my body. I can’t sit still when I’m nervous. when Jimin grabs my hand, I look down on his angel face and I’m torn. He shouldn’t be so beautiful, and I shouldn’t feel this way....what’s wrong with me? “I don’t ever wanna hear you say that again Jungkook” Jimin is so serious right now and I rarely see him like this. “Your perfect and no ones ever going to deny you’re true self” he blinks a couple times and looks down while still holding my hand, he can’t seem to look away from our fingers intertwined. “I’m sure the ARMY would agree”.

My heart starts to speed up, I sit down next to him again “thank you Jimin.” I give him a gentle smile when I looks up at me. I change the subject for him, I can tell he’s uncomfortable “I don’t wanna do much of anything tonight” with that, his face falls. He stands up to leave and when I don’t let go of his hands he looks confused. “Don’t you want me to leave you alone?” That sentence pains me, doesn’t he understand that I never want that? I stand my ground and don’t let my feelings falter, “no I just wanna lay around and talk, with you” I stand up and wrap my arms around his torso breathing in his intoxicating scent. He slowly hugs me back, I can’t say how long we stay like that. Minutes? Hours?

I wake up to the sound of birds chirping through my window pane, they remind me of Jimin’s beautiful voice, my heart flutters and I go to move and can’t. I open my eye slowly blinking back the pain of the sunlight flooding in and see Jimin laying next to me, with his golden head on my bicep. I instantly stiffen and don’t know what to do, how did we get like this?! Jimin feels me go rigid and rolls closer to me and lays a hand on my chest. He’s so peaceful when he sleeps. His face is relaxed and his puffy cloud like lips are slightly parted. I wonder if they are as soft as they look then I feel an urge in my pants and I’m so upset with myself. I can’t let this go on any longer. I slide out from under his touch and tiptoe to the window. Why do I have these feelings and what am I supposed to do with them? I love Jimin, I do. But I thought it was friendship. This definitely doesn’t feel like friendship anymore. If I deny these feelings any longer they may eat me up inside. But if I let him know how I feel, will he turn me down? Am I reading all the signals wrong?

It’s been a long exhausting week since the incident with Jimin in my bed. He’s asked me multiple times what I see our future looking like, what he doesn’t realize is I mean him and me, not the group as a whole. I love this group and I’ll never leave, I see huge things for BTS. I just want to see what’s going to happen between us.

We have tomorrow off as a rest day. It happens sometimes when we have down time from traveling and press events. We just got home and was dropped off at our individual rooms. Standing inside my front door I pause. It’s good to be home yet this place doesn’t feel like home. Try as I might, I miss my moms hectic kitchen, my dad always tinkering with something and my brother always hassling me. They send me things to add to my apartment but always feels cold....except when Jimin visits. He stays two doors down, I ignore the fact that Jin’s apartment is in between ours, like they don’t trust us.

I’ve been unpacking and on the computer all afternoon. Replying to emails from my family and friends. I probably need to stop soon and find something for dinner, probably stay in and make ramen. As I head to my kitchen my phone vibrates in my pocket, I let out a sigh. Please don’t let it be work! I look down in shock as it’s Jimin texting me, “JK, do you have plans tomorrow? Love JM.” I can’t help but smile and lean against the kitchen counter. Out of all the band mates and people he knows he’s asking me? I shouldn’t be surprised this isn’t the first time but it always makes me swell with pride when he picks me. “JM, nope no plans. What do you have in mind? Love JK.” Ending that text makes me pause, love. The word is so harmless, love as a friend, as a brother......but I know it’s neither anymore. Ramen totally forgotten I stand there humming waiting for a reply. The phone dings “JK, I’m going shopping. Want to be my +1? Love JM.” At that my heat skips a beat, that almost sounds like a date! It probably isn’t but I never turn down a moment to be with him, especially alone. “JM, always. I love it when you model clothes for me. Say when and I’ll be ready. Love JK.” As I send it I hope my true meaning comes across.

The rest of the day went by quickly, I finally ate my ramen once the butterflies in my stomach calmed down. I picked out my outfit for tomorrow’s outing with Jimin, then hopped in the shower. I turned the shower on super hot and just stood there for what seemed like forever. I have so much tension and the hot water helps so much, I just started lathering up soap when I thought i heard a sound. Maybe it came from Jin’s apartment, the walls are kinda thin here. I start rubbing down my body with soap when my bathroom door gets a quick knock and then the door flys open. Thank god the shower door is frosted glass or I’d be so embarrassed right now! I am so surprised I start coughing, “there you are! I texted you about the time and you didn’t respond.” Jimin looks ethereal through the frosted glass, I just stare at him in disbelief and then realize, I’m naked!

As I slowly try to cover myself with my hands, even though he can’t really see anything he laughs and hoists himself up on my sink. “Well I was thinking 9? I definitely want to sleep in, maybe have breakfast brought up before we go. Shopping is a must.” He starts rattling off what he has planned and I realize the water is cooling off. “Definitely hit somewhere for dinner before we come back.” He stops and looks at me, tilts his head to the side “why did you stop showering!” I look down half covered in soap and not moving, “I don’t know.” He jumps down and walks to the door, with a hand on the knob he looks back at me “I know your shy Jungkook but your extremely handsome, the fans are not the only ones who’ve noticed the man you’ve become.” With a wicked smile he walks out.

I’ve never taken a shower so fast in my life. I throw on just a pair of clean boxers and grab a clean shirt before throwing my bathroom door open. Please don’t be gone, please. I search my small apartment quickly and find Jimin laying in my bed. The sight makes me whole body tingle suddenly and I push the feelings away. “Woah, that was quick, why?” I drop my head and sigh, I walk towards the bed while tugging on my shirt. When I reach then bed I look down at him, fluffy blonde hair, soft lips, beautiful eyes and smile. I always thought of Jimin as pure and innocent, I always feel like I don’t deserve his friendship.

“I thought I did something wrong and you left.” As I sit Jimin laughs. He slowly shakes his head while looking into my eyes. “Jungkook, I know everyone has their body issues. Not everyone is as comfortable as I am in their own skin. I don’t hold that against you.” I look down at the white T-shirt now clinging to my wet skin and frown. “I just don’t see how this body can effect people the way it does. Plus it makes me uncomfortable to hear ladies scream at me and want to touch me.” Jimin purses his lips together and nods, he suddenly stands up in front of me and lift his shirt up and over his head. “And what do you think of mine?” I tear my shocked eyes away from his sexy body and make myself look at his face, this is so sudden and new that I don’t know what to do. “Well, don’t keep me waiting!” I blink “it’s a great body, you work hard for it.” I say never taking my eye off his face. Jimin rolls his eyes, “same can be said about yours.” I close my eyes, why is this so hard? Why is he pushing me? Does he know what he’s doing?

Suddenly my hand is being lifted off my knee and I feel something hard yet velvety soft under my palm, my eyes fly open to see Jimin has put my hand on this stomach! I flinch, if I take my hand away his feelings might get hurt, i dont want to do that to him. But if I don’t, then what? Is this a line I need to decide to cross. Do I take a leap of faith? I splay my fingers out slowly, that must be conformation enough for him because he asks “what do you truly think of my body?” Im eye level with his stomach and my hand is still against it, I take in a deep breath and pause. “Do I have to? Don’t you already know my thoughts?” His face falls, I’m not sure what I did wrong, maybe i didn’t play this game right. He looks pained. Maybe he thought that was a rejection or maybe he doesn’t want to make me choose. I am young and inexperienced in not only relationships but love.