#lostdreams

There are places you can never return to. Moments frozen in time, unreachable, like old photographs left to fade in the sun.

We all dream. Some dreams are simple and within reach, like finding the right job, exploring a new city, or standing beneath foreign skies. These are the dreams we chase, the ones that let us believe in possibility.

But then there are the others, the dreams that slip away before we can hold them. When you're twenty and wish you could have lived the life of an American teenager, you might try to recreate the feeling, but deep down, you know that chapter was never yours to write. The late-night drives, the high school crushes, the weightless sense of youth, it all belongs to a time and place you can never step into. Some dreams have an expiration date, and once they pass, they exist only in the "what ifs."

People say new dreams come with time, and maybe they do. New desires, new ambitions, new roads to follow. But let’s be honest, some things never truly leave us. We never forget our first love, the way it made the world feel bigger, brighter, infinite. And just like that love, some dreams linger in the quiet spaces of our hearts, waiting.

Maybe they slip between the seconds, hiding in the spaces where time stands still. Maybe they whisper through the wind, waiting to be heard by a heart that still longs for them.

And maybe, on certain nights, when the world is quiet and the past feels close enough to touch, you can almost believe they were never lost at all.

So much for shared ownership. That dream of having my own place is now dead in the water. It’s fine. I’m just going to be a person who never moved out of the family home. Don’t wait to live your life because then there might be an illness in your family and you’ll never get to leave.

At the first time in my life, I felt that it was not a concert with idol idols. It was a feeling that you catch when you stay with old friends and even more - with soulmates. Chan has been my role model from the start. He is such a child, but at the same time, he is very responsible, very caring. A person who works hard, who strives forward and does not leave his goal. Yes, I’m sure that he had difficult periods when he wanted to run away from himself when he did not want to do anything and feel nothing. But the pain always makes us stronger. I am glad that he can reveal his feelings in songs and show us all his inner stars, all inner shining. He guides his team and I feel that I’m the part of this ship.  Want to say some words about every Stray Kids' member and about my impression after the high-touch. The VIP ticket was about 168 $, and it was worth it. Even if the VIP would be about 300 $, I would take it. Just to spend more time with them. Just to have more talks, more walks, and more informal chats about music, hobbies, Korean things, Australian puns, maybe some games, some chicken and Coke. Cause they are friends. I hope that they see friends in STAYs’ too. 

Chan is VERY handsome and crazy. Well, above I already painted what I think of him. At high-touch I catch some shock cause he looks just into my side of soul lightning if I can say that. I felt that thing. My friends said that it was courtesy. Don’t deny. But in Russia, we do not always feel any notice, we don’t feel that sm listen to us truly, that someone give us the understanding that we are important. Only close friends or family do this. In good times ahah  And Chan just said “Thank you” to me and to others. And after only one ‘thank you’ my heart felt up with lots of warmness and sunlight. Thank you for that.  BTW I REALLY want to say “Chan-ko-chan - ko-chan means cabbage in Russian” to him. But we are not so close for jokes like this I GUESS ahah Woojin looks like a hot man with self-understanding. Actually, I suppose that every girl wants such pretty and good-flirting boy by her side. MAY I SAY SO?  He seems to be very kind to others. When I stood in front of him I felt completely babygirls feelings. My friends screamed that he looks like Greece God. On the stage, he was like the bitchy bitch at the beginning and like the cutest man ever at the end. Marvelous ahah

Minho is my bias. Seems very calm but straightforward and just full of sarcasm. Love his spontaneity. Adore his skills and persistence. It was scary to shake his hand on high-touch. Sure that he has the same feelings. Nervous moment. Like you invade another's personal space. Think of him like a person who opens his emotions only in dancing and singing. Can understand it. I did k-pop coverdance and had that feeling of opening soul windows to others, when I was dancing. Magic thing. 

Changbin is so damn cool. Through thorns goes to the stars. He literally reveals his soul when he begins to sing. It is felt from the side. The feeling that he has a goal about which he does not particularly extend. And he strives towards it with small steps. It was somehow awkward on the high-touch too. I wanted to make him laugh or something so that there was less stress. But it was simply ‘thank you - thank you’ and nothing more. The feeling that I lost my chance to do something better for him.

Hyunjin is so pure! And he dances merging with the music. The body does some amazing kind of magic. Something incredible at all. It seemed to me that he was also quite calm and just insanely cute. Together with this grace, he knows his abilities, his facial expressions, his body language, his state of the character. Owns everything. So it seems to me. Due to the fact that high-touch passed very quickly, my memories are completely blurred. Very sad because of this. And I’m sad because we didn’t say anything to each other but thanks; Hope we will meet again someday. 

Jisung is like sparkles. Like the wind and like fire. So admirable.  So sunny and so damn open-hearted. Like your best friend from childhood. Sure that he is not that simple, but he exactly does not try to be someone else on the stage. My memories are so bad, dear God...But if I am trying to remember, then there was a feeling that he was expecting something else from STAY. Maybe some crazy stuff or something weird stuff or something like "let's go eat tokpokki together". THAT IS THE PLAN FOR MY FUTURE BY THE WAY

Felix is industrious Australian maaaan. Damn Swag with freckles. When he was on stage I saw the guy who put a lot of effort in order to stand there and do what he likes and what he wants. His Korean is so good. And dance skills and of course the voice. On high-touch I caught myself on the thought that I don’t want to let off his hand. That’s the thing! <3

Seungmin - dandy BOY. He seemed to me like a very open and responsive friend. Very sincere and natural. If I had the opportunity not to hesitate in realizing at high-touch, I would start jumping as he hopped on songs of Day 6. Not for laughing at him but for laughing with him ~

Jeongin is such a kid! A little ball of fur! I want to note that he became much more confident in himself. Absolutely charming and adorable guy. He really enjoys being on stage among a large number of people. At least so it seemed to me. At high-touch... I’m scared that I don’t remember our touch of views. It’s so sad and so SAD. Really sad. Wanted to say to him that he is on his way and STAYs will help him with all his starts and new beginnings. 

So Stray Kids is my fav korean band. I also love Big Bang, B2ST, 4minute, and TVXQ, but SKZ is more than just artists for me. They are like a real family who can understand me and who can support me even we don’t know each other at all. And there are lots of fans, lots of STAYs, lots of people who think just like me, but it’s not so bad, yeah? It’s not so bad to dream far. To dream about being friends with someone who you admire with.  Maybe someday we will sit down close to each other and have a small talk about past concerts, about lost memories, about nothing and about everything. 

Sing it out in pride, and

Use it as a soap box to proclaim

A well-produced gospel

A picture too small to be true

I fear we trap ourselves in a pen

Never leaving it and venturing into the

Wildlands

The woodlands

The cities

The places least loved

Least expected

I fear we meet only those like us

Never failing to gain affirmation

And acceptance

But missing alive

Missing enjoying

Missing laughing

Missing caring. Loving. Truly accepting.

What do we miss if we stay in our places

What do we miss if we don’t go to them

Meet anyone in their place

And show them hope?

I think we lose our authenticity

We sing things in anthem

But it’s a wrote faith

An academic hope

But who am I but a slightly pessimistic

Eu segurei cada promessa como se fosse o último fio que me prendia a algo bom. Cada palavra dita, cada olhar trocado, parecia uma garantia de que ainda valia a pena acreditar.

Mas as promessas foram se quebrando, uma a uma, como vidro que cai no chão e estilhaça, e os sonhos que eu guardava, foram ficando para trás, esquecidos em uma gaveta trancada.

Não sei quando tudo começou a desmoronar, se foi na primeira mentira, no primeiro silêncio, ou naquele dia em que percebi que não fazia mais parte do plano.

E aqui estou eu, tentando juntar os pedaços, não para voltar ao que foi, mas para me encontrar no que ainda pode ser.

Aprendi que nem todas as promessas valem a pena ser guardadas, mas que, mesmo entre as ruínas, ainda existe espaço para recomeçar.