#lostcauses fic

Yes. Yes we can. Apologies Anon, I've had your ask in my inbox since November, which is a crime. However please know that barely a day has gone by without me thinking about this.

I think Erwin's sheer balls to the wall courage and resilience are often overlooked. He always led from the front and he was insanely brave. He had complete disregard for his own safety, and never hesitated to risk his own life and limb, either on the field of battle or during the uprising. 

One of the things it’s easy to forget, particularly if you read the manga as it was being published, is that all the events from the Battle of Trost to the Return to Shiganshina happen within a matter of months, and the uprising happens only about a fortnight after Erwin loses his arm rescuing Eren. 

“Loses” his arm is putting it lightly of course. Erwin’s arm is bitten by a Titan, he continues shouting orders, while hanging from the Titan's mouth, frees himself, apparently by slicing off his arm, and rescues Eren by slicing through the Armoured Titan’s fist. He then makes it back to the walls before finally collapsing, presumably from shock and loss of blood.  He spends the next few days in a coma, unclear how many, and when he awakens he almost immediately starts planning to overthrow the royal government while joking about his missing arm. As you do.

As part of this plan Erwin allows himself to be captured by government forces, who torture him and threaten to hang him.  All this with a freshly amputated arm, and presumably no pain relief lol. Madman.

(Love the way that Nile is the one who looks afraid here. Erwin is completely focused.)

Despite all this trauma, abuse, and what must be excruciating pain, Erwin still has the wherewithal to keep his head and his wits about him to execute his plan perfectly. Insane.

Then no sooner has he installed Historia on the throne, he starts planning the return to Shiganshina.  

It’s hard to overstate how worn out Erwin must be at this stage, and of course Levi calls him out on this.

Erwin’s physical pain tolerance may be unparalleled however you can see the cumulative effect that all these events had on his mental health. Despite his resilience, Erwin is physically and mentally vulnerable after the uprising arc, which is one reason why Zackley is able to manipulate him so effectively, and set him on the downward spiral that led to his moment of despair in Shiganshina.

So yes, Erwin has phenomenal resilience to physical pain, but like so many of us, he is much more susceptible to emotional and psychological pain, and that’s what he almost succumbs to. Thankfully he had Levi there to help shoulder that burden and ease his pain when he needed it most.

Erwin Smith the man that you are.

I finally caved and made some fanart of @lostcauses-noregrets fic Sealskin. (Go read it. Now)

Wow.  What a question!  How many writers, poets and artists from every culture and every corner of the globe have spent their lives trying to answer that question? It feels presumptuous of me to even try, but since you asked, here goes…

The first thing I would say is that everyone’s experience of falling in love and being in love is different, and every time you fall in love is unique. 

The second thing I would say is that falling in love feels VERY different from being in love.  Falling in love is devastating and contradictory, it’s joyful and agonising, exhilarating and terrifying. It amplifies every feeling and tosses you in a storm of emotion that you have no control over.  Every high is a zenith, every low a nadir. 

It might sound a bit clichéd to liken it to the proverbial “rollercoaster of emotions” but that’s not a bad description of the physical sensations of falling in love. The excitement, fear and anticipation, the vertiginous highs, the swooping sensations, the plummeting lows. The dizziness and disorientation, the racing heartbeat, even the queasy sickness. 

Being in love is different.  If you’re lucky, and your love is reciprocated, these sensations will mature and mellow into something nurturing and sustaining.  If you’re unlucky, and your love is unrequited, it becomes a torturous agony, a destructive sickness, that drains all joy and colour from the world. 

Intimacy is different again. I don’t think you have to be in love to enjoy sexual arousal and physical intimacy but for many people those sensations are heightened if you are.  There is something truly magical in the warm touch of your beloved’s skin. (If you're that way inclined.)

You asked whether the feeling of love is comparable to the way it’s written in fic, and obviously it depends.  I do think there is a bit of a tendency for fic to focus on the romantic aspects of love, to romanticise romance.  Perhaps it’s a reflection of my age (ancient lol) but I’ve often said that I find romance to be one of the least interesting aspects of love.  It’s all the other stuff that I find really captivating; trust, devotion, sacrifice, compromise, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance.  Sometimes love isn't grand gestures and declarations, sometimes love is just saying thank you. This is what makes love really work. And you can find this in fic, particularly in fandoms with more mature authors, older characters and established relationships. 

I read somewhere once that shippers and fic writers are “in love with being in love” and I definitely think there’s something in that.  So much of what we write is an attempt to capture the feelings, emotions and physical sensations of experiencing love in all its myriad forms.  Your question got me thinking about all the fics I’ve written about Erwin and Levi falling in love and being in love, the 100+ fics I’ve written that have tried to capture the breadth and depth of their relationship. I know you didn’t ask, but I think if I was to pick out one fic that spans the full extent of love it would be Triskaideka. 

Thank you for the interesting ask Anon, and I hope that answers your question in some small way.

With the launch of Artemis II it might be a good time to bring back Orbital, my Eruri fic based on the Mercury Space Program's Friendship 7 mission and inspired by The Right Stuff, Hidden Figures and this amazing art by @z-hard. Enjoy!

Levi leafed through the newspaper as he waited in line at the bus stop among the familiar throng of early morning commuters, every one of them fixated by the news of the day. The front page of the newspaper was dominated by a large photograph of three men in military uniform, the headline blaring “The Best of the Bravest”. Beneath, in swaggering prose, the story read, “Paradis Space Program has selected its first astronauts from over 100 prospective candidates from all branches of the military, aviation and naval forces. Following a rigorous testing and selection process, Commander Nile Dok, Commander Erwin Smith and Lieutenant Commander Mike Zacharias have achieved the highest honour of being chosen as the Scout Project’s pioneering astronauts. One of these brave men will be the first Eldian to orbit the earth in a manned space capsule…”

“Makes you proud doesn’t it?” A man further up the line commented to no one in particular, gesturing to his own copy of the newspaper.

As the bus drew up at the stop and Levi boarded, he heard a young woman’s voice behind him, “They’re so handsome, aren’t they?” “Dreamy,” another agreed.

[Continue reading on AO3]

Sorry anon, as far as I'm concerned Erwin Smith is a caffeine addict. This is a hill I will die on. Why? Because if he wasn't, he would never have met Levi in Cardamom ☺️

~~

“Just a long black, please.”

The barista looks at him. Erwin looks right back.

“Americano,” he tries instead.

The barista drawls something in Arabic, sounding mildly irritated as he points at the menu. Erwin frowns, not understanding a word – neither from the young man or the chalkboard with its foreign lines and smudged squiggles.

“Coffee,” Erwin clarifies intelligently. He’s hot, he’s tired, he’s confused. He just wants caffeine as soon as possible.

The barista lifts his small chin up, grey eyes sharp. Erwin vaguely registers that he is much older than his short stature and slim build had initially led him to presume. He hisses something and Erwin thinks he hears a word that sounds like coffee. Progress.

“Ah…”

Someone on a nearby bench puts their book aside with a smack, glasses glimmering in the light.

“What kind of coffee, idiot,” they grin. Their English has an accent he can’t place.

Erwin turns toward them.

“Excuse me?”

They point at the barista.

“That’s what he said.”

Erwin sighs out his relief.

“Can you tell him anything will do, as long as it’s strong?”

They communicate this to the barista, who huffs and mutters something to himself as he turns around to his coffee machine.

....

I've written a lot of ficlets about Levi's birthday over the years, this one, written in 2017, is still my favourite. Many thanks to @shadowgale96 for coming up with the original headcanon all those years ago.

Survey Corps headquarters are preternaturally quiet, the majority of soldiers and squad leaders having gone home for the Midwinter holiday that has miraculously survived the coming of the titans, the fall of the wall, and the genocidal expedition to retake wall Maria. Despite this, despite everything, the age-old festival endures. Those that still have families gather together to give thanks for seeing the turning of another year. Those with children press small gifts of sweets and toys into eager sticky fingers. Those with no one commemorate their lost loved ones and raise a glass to their ghosts.

Levi sits alone in the mess hall, nursing a cup of tea and watching the snow falling thick and fast outside the window. He has little recollection of Midwinter from his early childhood beyond a vague sense of warmth and the rare taste of sugar. His earliest real memory is of Kenny taking him above ground to gather rich pickings from inebriated townsfolk who had over indulged in the holiday spirit. He remembers a man standing swaying in an alleyway pissing a yellow arc into the snow. Kenny knocked him down easily as Levi snatched the bag from his shoulder. He remembers Kenny’s glee as he pulled out an expensive looking box from the bag, his anger when he opened it to reveal a painted wooden horse. Kenny had thrown the toy to the ground, kicked the fallen man once, twice for good measure and sloped off to find a more profitable victim, Levi following obediently in his wake. It was only later, much, much later that night, that Levi had crept through the shadows and made his way back to the alley where he was disappointed to find both the man and the horse gone, just a dirty ribbon lying trampled in the yellow snow.

A soft noise rouses the Captain from his thoughts. Levi startles and looks up to find the Commander gazing at him, expression unreadable. He’s out of uniform; standing in the doorway of the mess hall in his shirt sleeves, hair falling forward over his forehead.

Since I've been reliably informed that today is International Day of the Seal, it's surely a good excuse for me to repost Sealskin, my Eruri Selkie AU.

Erwin is an environmental scientist, a driven man on a mission to save the world. His research does not normally involve fieldwork, and it certainly does not normally involve spending six months of the year at the university’s field station on a remote island in the North Atlantic, with only seals for company. But the solitude of the island and a chance encounter with a curious stranger bring a profound revelation.

You can read Sealskin on AO3, or listen to my audio recording of the fic here Sealskin podfic.

Dear Anon, your message genuinely brought a wee tear to my eye last night 🥹 I'm so deeply touched and honoured that Cardamom has had an influence on the course of your studies in some small way. It's a long time since I've been able to write anything, so knowing that these old stories are still treasured by others honestly means the world to me. And of course Cardamom will always have an extra special place in my heart because it was based on my own experiences of working as an archaeologist and it's the first longer Eruri fic I ever wrote.

I hope your excavation goes really well and good luck with your future career in archaeology. Happy digging!