#lostandloved

While waiting to go to Japan for university, I temporarily enrolled in a second-rate college in my hometown. I grew out my hair and walked proudly through the campus. Not long after the semester began, the vice class monitor started pursuing me—playing guitar and bringing flowers. Though he looked decent, he constantly talked about politics. I found him boring and shallow.

He rented a place with two classmates. I often hung out with them. One snowy night, I suddenly had the idea to visit a graveyard. So the four of us walked dozens of miles through a snowstorm in the middle of the night.

One of the boys named DJ, was tall with a comic-book face. He was top of the class when we entered school, but withdrawn and quiet. We gradually grew closer and eventually became a couple. We skipped class to go to amusement parks, internet cafés, and nightclubs. We’d blow through our monthly allowance in a week, surviving the rest of the time on porridge and chicken bones.

Still, we were happy. We’d play water fights across campus with buckets and basins. On sunny afternoons, while everyone else was in class, I’d sit in the light-filled corridor blowing soap bubbles, and DJ would aim his toy water gun to burst them one by one.

He liked touching my cool skin under the moonlight. I liked his face—it was so handsome, it didn’t feel real. Everything happened naturally. And then I got pregnant.

At the time, I had also written a script for the school drama troupe. But the night before the performance, I had the abortion. I never saw my work or that child.

He was devastated. His family found out and came to talk with me, suggesting we break up. He just sat there in silence. That’s when I realizedーDJ was still just a boy who hadn’t yet grown up.

Later, I met a senior from the art department and a student from the drama academy. They cooked for me, wrote letters, gave me flowers. But I could never forget DJ. Even now, I sometimes still think of that unreal, beautiful face.

用来挥霍的青春

为了等去日本留学，我暂时就读本市一所二流大学，留起长发，高傲地穿行于校园。开学不久，副班长开始追我，弹吉他送花，虽然长得不错，却整天谈入党、仕途，我觉得他庸俗可笑。他和另外两个男生在校外租房，我常去找他们玩。有次大雪纷飞，我突发奇想半夜拉着他们去坟地，顶着风雪走了几十里。

其中一个男生叫大吉，一米八几，长着一张漫画脸，入学时成绩第一，却孤僻寡言。我和他越走越近，最终在一起了。我们翘课去游乐场、网吧、夜店，生活费一周花光，剩下的日子就靠喝粥啃鸡骨头。可我们乐在其中，用水桶和脸盆打水仗，满校园狂。阳光洒进教学楼的午后，我吹肥皂泡，他用小水枪一一击破。

他喜欢在月光下触碰我冰凉的身体，我喜欢他帅得不真实的脸。一切自然而然地发生，后来我怀孕了。

我为话剧团写了剧本，却在公演前夕做了手术，孩子和作品都未能见到。他很受打击，他家人也找我谈话，劝我分手。他低着头沉默不语，我终于明白，大吉只是个还没长大的孩子。

后来我遇见了美术系的学长和戏剧学院的小生，他们给我做饭，写信送花和戒指，但我始终忘不了大吉，和他那张不真实的脸。

無駄にしてこそ青春

日本留学を待つ間、地元の二流大学に通っていた。髪を伸ばし、誇らしげにキャンパスを歩いていた。間もなく副クラス長が私を追い始め、ギターを弾いて花を贈ってきた。見た目は悪くなかったけれど、入党や出世の話ばかりで、私は彼をつまらなく感じた。

彼は他のクラスメート2人と校外に部屋を借りており、私はよくそこに遊びに行った。ある大雪の夜、ふと墓地に行きたくなり、皆で吹雪の中を何十キロも歩いた。

その中の一人、大吉は背が高く漫画のような顔立ちで、入学時の成績はトップだったが、人付き合いが苦手だった。私たちは次第に惹かれ合い、恋人になった。授業をサボって遊園地やナイトクラブへ行き、生活費は一週間で使い果たし、残りは粥と鶏の骨で食いつないだ。でも、楽しかった。水桶や洗面器で水遊びをして校内を走り回り、午後の陽だまりで私はシャボン玉を吹き、大吉が水鉄砲で撃っていた。

彼は月明かりの下、私の冷たい体に触れるのが好きで、私は彼の夢のように整った顔に惹かれていた。自然とそうなって、私は妊娠した。

当時、劇団の脚本も書いていたが、公演前日に手術を受け、子供も作品も見られなかった。彼は深く傷つき、家族からも別れを勧められた。彼は黙ってうつむいていた。その時気づいた、大吉はまだ大人になりきれていなかったのだ。