#long ask

I thought I was on the grounds to make some friends, instead, I have been giving the front seat to watch "Horseshoe theory" in action.

I got DMed and invited to a friend group that advised itself as being progressive, which I thought was super cool. I like being progressive.

But they weren't actually progressive. As per horseshoe theory, they tried so hard to be progressive that they just ended up looping back around to being really bigoted.

In a bulletin list of everything that happened in the small group:

- I have been accused of being racist because a majority of my OCs are black while I am a white. Apparently this was problematic because I was 'simulating' slavery.

- A girl who was new to the group was accused of being racist because she didn't have any black OCs. All of her OCs were furries.

- I got called racist AGAIN because one of my OCs, who is black, had a huge crush on another, who was white.

- I got called creepy because I said someone's OC was pretty. Just that. I said, "Your OC is really pretty" and that got me a stern talking to about not flirting with people's OCs randomly.

- I got called homophobic because one of my characters 'looks gay' but I had him labeled as pansexual.

- Got called misogynistic because I drew my female OC in a provocative pose. Please note, I not only drew my male characters like this, but I published the drawings on my toy house that I didn't know they had access to.

- Got called a fujoshi because I drew my male characters in provocative poses. Please note, I am a trans man.

- Got called a weirdo gooner because I drew my characters in provocative poses.

- Got told my character was 'minor-coded' because she had braces and dressed in pink.

- Got called racist, again, because I had a black male character who adopted a white kid. I was told, I kid you not, that if I understood anything about black people, then I'd have made the father a black mother since black fathers are never present. Holy fuck.

I left because I was tired of being accused of being a bigot over the smallest things and then watching as they strawmaned themselves into being actually racist or bigoted in an attempt to sound inclusive.

I'll be honest, I only stayed because I was so lonely that I was just happy to have some sort of community.

But I'm wiser now. I'm more tired. There were people acting bigoted under the guide of acting progressive, and that makes me kind of sad.

I'm sorry for such a long post. I don't want this post to come across as "Anti-Woke" or "Anti-progessive". I just hate how I ended up in a circle where people were acting this way. It sucks. It's sad.

I just wanted to draw people's OCs.

Like, they’re both widowers and princes have duties to strengthen the realm (one of which is marrying into powerful noble houses). I imagine that after a bunch of small council discussions, the king and queen gently bring it up to the brothers. Since Baelor and Maekar already have an heir and a spare, there’s no real pressure, but the council seems very enthusiastic about the idea, they even line up some “excellent candidates” for political marriages. And just like that, rumors of “the Princes preparing to remarry” spread across the 7 kingdoms, and naturally, DIL readers are among the first to hear.

Of course, our princes are absolutely down bad for their girls, since it’s just a suggestion, Baelor and Maekar immediately refuse. It’s obvious, why would they ruin their happy, peaceful lives with the women they love? Plus, the lady/ widow-candidates themselves aren’t even interested (either strong, independent types or still deeply in love with their lovers/ late husbands), so the whole “remarriage drama” should’ve ended there. Everyone parts ways happily.

Except Baelor and Maekar don’t think it’s important, so they never mention it to their girls. Even though the decision has already been canceled, the rumors keep spreading like wildfire so now the entire realm is speculating which one will stand beside the princes and that absolutely shatters DIL readers’ hearts.

I can totally picture DIL!M reader crying, pouting, stomping around Maekar’s room. She even drops to her knees, clinging to him and pleading “please, Father, don’t do this. I’ll be good, I won’t bother you anymore, I promise I won’t upset you again, just let me be your only girl”.

Meanwhile, Maekar is just like “what the fuck is going on? What are you even begging for?” So he asks and finds out the remarriage rumors have spread so far that even Dorne is buzzing (with houses already preparing daughters to present at court).

Honestly? Maekar sees this as the perfect chance to get back at her after all the headaches she’s caused him. So he goes “but this is a prince’s duty. It wouldn’t be proper for Summerhall to be without a Lady of Summerhall”. That cue DIL!M reader crying her eyes out for hours. He meant to tease her, but didn’t expect her to react that strongly, so eventually he tells her the truth. Still, after all that whining and sulking, she decides to stay mad at him for a long time, refuses to talk to him or share his bed for weeks no matter how hard he tries to make it up to her.

But of course, it all ends in chaos: tears, yelling, a full-on emotional storm, she’s crying and making a scene, he’s swearing and snapping, and somehow it ends with him spanking her while she sniffles and complains “I just want you to be mine. I don’t want you to belong to anyone else. Why am I being punished for wanting what’s mine?”

Inside, Maekar is absolutely thriving, but outwardly he just scoffs “of course you’re mine. Why would I remarry? But I’ve spoiled you too much. And where did you learn to abandon me like that? Try it again and I’ll take away your ability to walk for a week. Such a brat”.

She just giggles through the sting (satisfied) “your brat”.

And he goes “My brat” before continuing her punishment.

Now, DIL!B reader’ is not nearly that simple because I think hers has a bit of angst. She’s mature, she does feel hurt, but she understands it’s Baelor’s duty. And not just any prince, he’s the heir, a political marriage to secure support from a powerful house makes perfect sense. She’s even met the most promising candidate, a beautiful, devoted lady/ widow who seems perfectly suited to be a future queen, and it destroys her. She’s jealous, heartbroken, but keeps it all inside, especially after seeing Baelor walking in the gardens with that lady/ widow (when in reality, they were discussing not marrying).

Baelor, being as perceptive as he is, notices the shift immediately once the rumors spread through the keep. She avoids him, keeps her distance, stops coming to his chambers at night, even dodges him when he tries to talk to her. But he had already made his stance clear to the king, queen, and the council. He had also set clear boundaries with the lady/ widow (she didn’t even care about him, she was either in love with someone else or had absolutely no interest in marrying at all). So why is reader so worried? He just assumes the truth will spread as fast as the rumors, so he’s basically chilling, thinking everything will go back to normal. Except it doesn’t!

Days later, the rumors are still going stronger than ever. Some lords even start proposing their daughters to the king directly. So when Baelor finally gets her alone, he asks gently “what’s wrong, sweet girl? Is something troubling you?”

And she just says “It’s nothing, Your Grace”. That’s when it clicks, the “remarriage drama” hasn’t died down at all. It’s gotten worse. Baelor immediately tells her the truth, that he’s not remarrying, that it’s all just baseless rumors but she doesn’t believe him. So they end up in a conversation like:

“Please don’t lie, Your Grace. It’ll only break my heart more.”

“I’m telling the truth. You are my one and only girl. And don’t ‘Your Grace’ me, you know how much it hurts me when you distance yourself like this.”

“The rumors have reached Dorne. House Yronwood is preparing to send their daughter. House Fowler has already set out for King’s Landing. Everyone is coming here to marry you.”

At that point, Baelor is just overloaded “what nonsense are you talking about? There will be no wedding. I’m not marrying anyone”.

And eventually, after a lot of emotional back-and-forth, she finally believes him “really? You won’t leave me to marry someone else?”

“Of course not. How could I ever do such a thing? You are the love of my life.”

Then they spend the whole night together, holding each other, kissing, making up for all those days of sadness, with Baelor promising to make it up to her.

And in the end, both couples live happily ever after 💕 Gods, I’m being so dramatic 😂

the first example that comes to mind is the lolcow-esque culture on there and how people froth at the mouth at the chance to be cruel, harass and cyberbully you if you do something they deem “problematic” (which can be as simple as expressing discomfort with doubles) like it genuinely disturbs me how so many people crawl out of the woodworks to be evil toward people. obviously i’m not going to name drop but there’s a literal thirteen year old who, by his own admission, is mentally unwell and has been hospitalised, and instead of trying to help or showing sympathy or concern, they literally just troll and hate and flood his comments with vile shit. and they justify it as “he’s problematic” when really he’s just showing symptoms of being an already mentally ill young person who is under intense online scrutiny and is constantly being hounded by virulent, transphobic trolls who delight in being wicked to him.

that and self ship / oshi culture is blended together so if you don’t have a shrine or thousands worth of merchandise then some people genuinely think that you’re “not a real fan” or “don’t really love your f/o” and there’s an intense push of people trying to be “THE ___ yume” or “___ number one fan!” that part of the community is incredibly competitive. and yeah, i know that’s the whole point of oshi culture, but not every self shipper is also part of oshikatsu stuff, so to see people genuinely think that if you don’t have a massive dedicated shrine and lots of merchandise then you don’t really love / aren’t dedicated to your f/o is really hurtful to people who don’t have the money to invest in stuff like that.

and there’s so many pointless rules and bad takes if you even breathe the wrong way people will jump you. if you’re a minor you can’t have a crush on an adult character, that’s weird (no it doesn’t matter to them if you make your sona the same age.) if you’re a minor you can’t have a crush on a character who’s the same age as you, that’s weird. you can’t selfship if you have an irl partner, that’s cheating. you have to ask your irl partner for permission to like a character. just genuinely the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life.

(and the nonsharing discourse is something else entirely so i won’t even get into that. it’s about as bad as you’re imagining.)

"WILL YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH?! I KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, AND I DON'T ALWAYS THINK I'M RIGHT! YOU DON'T KNOW THE HALF OF ANYTHING WE WENT THROUGH! STOP ACTING LIKE YOU UNDERSTAND ME OR MY RELATIONSHIP!"

(Drysdale had been lingering near the laundry room door, and after hearing Washford’s yelling, he walks in with a pinched sort of expression. For a moment, it seems like he’s going to pretend he didn’t hear anything. But then... he turns to the washer with a despondent expression.)

"Go on, then. What’s the problem…?"

"The problem is you refuse to apologize for flirting with another man while I was RIGHT. THERE. You didn't even have the DECENCY to hide it. Did my love mean so little to you? Were you even sorry?!"

"How dare you act as if our love meant nothing to me! OF COURSE IT MEANT SOMETHING! I wasn't even trying to flirt! I just thought it'd be nice to spice up our damn act for once!"

This is the ask that inspired me to create the Camellia comic! so really really thank you!! The specific reason is below.

First, something essential to understanding how the ex-bishops "believe":

The magic of the Red Crown and its ability to bring back the dead is in direct contradiction to the belief in the Eternal Cycle, which includes death as part of itself.

I mentioned this detail when I talked about Shamura's karma and why it caused the False Prophet so much conflict.

All those killed or brought back to life by its magic no longer belong to the cycle, and they all know it in some dregree because after their death, they met what is outside of it: Purgatory or Limbo.

Returning to the ask in question, and using Leshy as an example (since he is the one you asked about), his way of believing is largely "functional".

Let me explain:

The way Leshy was introduced to the cult and its beliefs was quite…violent, to say the least. The first bishop returned from purgatory and condemned to eternal life by the one who killed him in the first place...fun.

The only good thing about his situation? The relationship he eventually formed with Camellia, his caretaker. A long process that slowly adapted him to his new life until one day, oh no, his favorite mortal died.

Taking this part of the comic "the reason", which in context refers to how time affects everything (and why the False Prophet keep the ex-bishops in the cult as immortals).

Time affects everything, and being immortal can become torture. What do you do when the only thing that made sense, the only thing worthwhile for you in your now eternal existence, is taken away by something as natural as the end his life?

You suffer eternally or...

You take the hand that is offered to you, the balm that promises to make your eternity more bearable. The belief that proclaims that what mattered to you will eventually return.

This is why Leshy decided to believe in the first place, and belief is powerful regardless of your reason. The False Prophet didn't expect anything different, although they did find it amusing that Camellia knew it before the worm himself.

So, to round things off: the ex-bishops know they are exempt from the eternal cycle, whether as punishment or simply as a consequence of their actions, doesn't matter now.

If they believe in the cult's beliefs, it's not because they expect to be part of the process that the rest of the followers undergo (said, death and reincarnation). They believe (with some variations and different reasons) because an eternity is a path of thorns without something to hold onto. But believing? Believing makes it bearable.

(this is going to be a long ask so i apologize)

i’m going to try and make this make as much sense as possible, but here we go

abby was buck’s first serious adult relationship, just like tommy was buck’s first relationship after discovering an element of himself that he had been missing up until then (i’m not going to go into detail on all of the parallels between tommy and abby bc it’s been done time and time again)

but we see a certain level of disinterest from tommy towards buck throughout their relationship; when we get to 8x06, they try to imply through the whole josh glee speech thing that buck’s main source of discomfort in their relationship is that tommy lied to abby about his sexuality. even at the time i didn’t buy that reasoning because it feels a bit out of character for buck to consider breaking up with tommy for not being comfortable coming out to abby… i think the real reason was that he began putting pieces together in his mind and was drawing conclusions the audience already had.

buck was basically a rebound for abby (ik that’s watering it down a little bit but for all intents and purposes…) she basically told him as much after the train derailment, and practically had the same exact “i’m your first not last” conversation with him as tommy ended up having.

i think deep down, buck realized that to both abby and tommy, he was never something serious- he was kind of (again watering it down a bit) just a fun fling for both of them and only found out after the fact that not only had he been used for that purpose, but it wasn’t communicated to him until it was over. 

buck very much wants a full two-sided relationship with someone that he can settle down with. he knows this, and we know this. which is why i think initially, when ep 7 came out and the whole moral of the episode was “oh buck realizes he wants to find love” people took pause and felt a bit annoyed that the plotline felt a bit like beating a dead horse, especially considering that was effectively what buck’s entire arc w tommy was in s8.

now, looking at s8 and how things kind of got derailed, i think it makes sense that they are now trying to revive that point for buck if they are planning on continuing his story this season the same way they were going to in s8 (whatever that may be)

and they did that by having buck sleep with a married couple. they intentionally made the choice to have him sleep with them separately, not together, when (if the whole point of the episode was JUST about buck wanting to find love) they could have easily just had him sleep with both of them at once. but by sleeping with them separately he doesn’t realize they are a couple, and doesn’t realize that it’s a casual thing for either of them until after the fact. combine that with the symbolism of buck hooking up with the woman “first” and the man “second” (ik the montage it was intercut but it started with him going out with the woman first and he got her number first too), and to me the parallels between tommy and abby become very clear- a couple (former in tommy and abby’s case) who used him as a fling without telling him until after the fact and left him at the conclusion that he wanted something serious more than casual.

i feel like this comparison has to have already been made but i haven’t seen it anywhere and i think it’s a very interesting concept considering what they seemingly were setting up last season with buck (and eddie)… and i was curious what your thoughts on this angle are? 

again i apologize for the long ask, i just couldn’t figure out a way to make this more concise 😭

Hey Nonnie.

Thanks for such a great and in depth ask. I really agree with pretty much everything you’ve said and it’s a lot of the way I feel about things. I definitely think we’re meant to see Jade and Zane as parallels to Abby and tommy. Even on just a surface level we have Buck being pursued by both people who were or are part of a relationship with one another - specifically for his being a “unicorn” not one of them was actually interested in Buck the person all four relationships (of whatever length they were) were all focused on what Buck could do to them, what he represented and not what was mutually beneficial.

I also agree - I don’t think that Tommy lying to Abby and his treatment of her as a result of the lying was the soul source of his discomfort - I do think it was a part of it, I think it made him question if he would be treated in a similar way or if Tommy was lying to him as well (which he was imo by virtue of not being upfront and honest about why he was with Buck or that he didn’t see the relationship being a long term one - until he was forced into that confession. And while there technically isn’t anything wrong I’m not stating from the get go that you don’t see the relationship as being long term etc - especially with Buck stating that he didn’t know what he was ready for - Tommy made no effort at all to check in and have that conversation at any point during the relationships length!) but not the main source.

I also think that the glee monologue from Josh was meant to highlight all the things missing from the relationship and actually get Buck to question his relationship - I don’t think it was meant to be a convincing argument in favour of Tommy - I think the intention was always for Buck to misunderstand what Josh was trying to do, to highlight (because that is the central theme of Bucks romantic journey - that he isn’t able to understand what he is looking for in a relationship because of his upbringing and that the relationships he keeps finding himself in are as a result of that upbringing - so he keeps associating physical intimacy with emotional intimacy because that is how his parents showed him love. He is learning to undo that conditioning) to the audience as much if not more than to Buck himself, all the things his relationship with Tommy is lacking - his reaction to Josh asking if he was in love with Tommy was revealing all on its own without the rest of the speech.

I think part of Bucks entire journey, especially since the network change and he and Tommy first kissed, has been very much centred on Bucks search for emotional connection and intimacy and showing how he’s getting better at figuring out when he isn’t getting that and also realising that he’s jumping to sexual intimacy too quickly - that he gets a tiny crumb of it and immediately jumps into bed with someone rather than taking the time to really get to know them before moving into a physical relationship. The Tommy of it all and his struggle with getting over that break up (initially), for me was centred around both paralleling the Abby of it all, whilst also highlighting exactly where Buck was getting his emotional intimacy and the fact that had been impacted - and he hadn’t truly recognised that and still doesn’t recognise what that meant.

I am of course talking about Eddie and Christopher - I remain strongly of the opinion that the BT relationship would not have lasted anywhere close to as long as it did had Kim not appeared on the scene and everything that went down there with Eddie causing Chris to leave. The web is super tangled up with this entire thing because there are multiple angles in which to see the ripples of what happened.

There is of course the physical absence of Chris - that had a big impact on Buck - his internalised failure to get Chris to stay with his dad in the aftermath the most obvious one, but also the fact that co-parenting Chris is actually a massive part of Bucks identity and self worth at this point - its an emotional tether he gains a huge amount of positivity from helping ground him and feel worthy in ways he doesn’t elsewhere in his life. There is obviously guilt wrapped up in this as well - because if he is feeling this way then how must Eddie be feeling and what right does Buck have to feel anything much about it. So Tommy becomes a sort of replacement for that emotional tether missing in his life.

This situation in and of itself pushes Buck into remaining in a relationship we have already had hints he’s realising isn’t actually what he wants or needs (some of the looks we’ve seen Buck give when Tommy has said something - such as at the medal ceremony - or his lack of interest in or care for Buck more generally before the Kim thing blew up) Buck doesn’t end it for the same reason he didn’t end things with Taylor in season 5 - because Eddie is emotionally unavailable to Buck at that point in time and so physical intimacy is Bucks fail safe alternative and he doesn’t have to go seeking it out in mindless hook ups if he stays in a relationship even if it isn’t serving him.

That Eddie has himself gone down this route prior to all of this, because of the very fact Buck has come out and is now an option - his clinging to Marisol as a result - because Eddie would’ve broken up with Marisol if Buck hadn’t come out to him in that kitchen scene - it’s a pivotal moment for Buck and Eddies relationship - nothing changes because Eddie is having internalised gay panic over his best friend being an option and then not actually being available - Eddie reads Buck saying he cant stop thinking about Tommy as a rejection - he can obviously never feel about Eddie in that way and so Eddie must stick to what he has. It is no coincidence that Eddie is about to break up with Marisol a couple of episodes after he finds out Buck has ended things with Natalia - it is literally Buck and Eddie in the same pattern as we’ve seen them in since they met (well since Shannon died at least because I do think that there wasn’t enough before that point to begin that pattern we’ve seen since as they were still getting to know one another and the show was figuring out the dynamics for all the characters. I also remain convinced that when Tim talked about having to kill Shannon because there wasn’t anywhere to go with her at that point it was because they had decided there was enough interest in Buddie that they were pressing the green button on them being the big slow burn relationship for the show - I think they would’ve made Madney that slow burn will they wont they couple if Buddie hadn’t been coming over well as a potential with the audience! But that’s just my theory I have nothing to back it up beyond the way the story played out live and what Tim said in interviews at the time as well as vibes born of years of watching procedural tv!) It’s no coincidence that Eddie finds out about Marisols almost a nun, catholic past right after Natalia is no more, or that he asks her to move in right at a point where Tommy is very clearly flirting with him.

We all focus on Bucks jealousy etc from 704 - which we are meant to because we are seeing it from Bucks perspective, but its also being made very clear to us that Bucks jealousy has a good foundation and that Eddie is at least aware to a certain extent of it. We the viewer can read Eddie’s constant talking about Tommy this and Tommy that from Bucks perspective and it making him jealous, but we’re can also see it from Eddie’s perspective of him testing the waters with Buck - seeing what Bucks reaction to it all is. We will never know what would’ve happened if Eddie had been able to get to Buck before Tommy did and they’d actually been able to have a conversation about it - because Buck confessed to Eddie that he was on a date with Tommy before Eddie could have that conversation with him - which is how that kitchen talk could’ve played out had the Tommy kiss and date not happened.

There is also the fact that Eddies inability to grieve Shannon and their relationship properly is still very much in play -and how that impacts Buck, but that has been talked about to death so I dont want to get into it again!

All this to say that, yes I do think there is an element of 907 rehashing what we saw play out with Tommy over 8a (and a bit with 8b and the hook up as well) and I get why people feel aggrieved about it, but for me personally I think we’d have ended up with this arc regardless - I just think we’d have seen it play out a little bit differently if they’d been able to get Eddie to where they wanted him by the end of 8b as they had originally intended. Now we don’t know exactly where that would’ve been, but its safe to assume that he would’ve been a bit further along in his arc than he currently is. I think it was really smart to play the entire plot line out in the way they did and in the way you described - having the Jade first and then Zane second, dressing Zane very very very similarly to Tommy (all his outfits are basically Tommy outfits - right down to the black and red shot colouring of his date shirt matching the red and black shot Henley Tommy was wearing when he kissed Buck - both were tests - Tommy testing if Buck was into men and Zane testing if Buck would hook up with and then call him or Jade! And we revert to a black shirt with a black vest for the break up scene!). The entire thing was about calling back to Tommy and the fact he parallels with Abby and then playing into the fact that Buck never got given the full picture by any one of the 4 people from the outset and that his autonomy wasn’t respected in any way at all and so he couldn’t consent to what was happening to him (and this isn’t about Tommy kissing him - that part was fine, right up to the end of their date was all fine and as consensual as it could’ve been - I mean tommy could’ve asked to kiss Buck but that’s not really realistic and Tommy was telegraphing what he was going to do from the moment Buck said he was trying to get Tommys attention so that part is all fine for me from that perspective) that he was able to have that final scene where he turned them down and took ownership of his romantic endeavours is the key thing and the symbol of growth.

It feels very much like they’ve set Buck up through the parallels of Abby,Tommy, Jade and Zane, to finally spend some time actually figuring himself out and what it is he’s looking for and for him to click into understanding that he already has what it is he’s looking for. I haven’t had time to write my meta on the space arc, and how it all plots out the intended arcs for the characters for the season, but I will mention here that Buck is paralleled with Tricia who throughout her time in space, figures out what she has and what she wants romantically are not the same thing - that she is worth more than she has accepted and that she also has the tools to bring about change to her life. That’s the very brief version of her arc, but they show her actually managing to make that change in her life - from the things she learnt about herself, but also from what she already had. The shares are a metaphor for knowledge and internal power and that being what you need to bring about change. That the Jade and Zane plot for 907 also plays into that and emphasises Bucks repeated patterns is a really great thing from my perspective and one of the reasons I really enjoyed that plot (even as I hated having to actually watch Buck hooking up with people but that’s a Demi me thing!)

But do you know how to find help? I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do.

Quick overview:

Homeschooled until 4th grade, went to public school until 7th grade when I begged my parents to homeschool me again because I would wake up every morning and immediately start hyperventilating from sheer stress.

I barely did any homeschooling. I don't remember most of it (I think I blocked it out or something from stress) and I don't know if I even technically graduated.

My parents neglected me and barely taught me anything so I don't know how to function. I don't know how to pay bills or a mortgage or use a credit card or do any household chores. I have severe dyscalculia so my math is at maybe a 3rd or 4th grade level even though I'm 27.

I have severe executive dysfunction which even my ADHD meds don't help, and I don't have the energy/motivation to make food, do laundry, or basically anything. The most I can manage is washing my hair every few days when it becomes disgusting and brushing/flossing every night.

I was diagnosed with aspergers when I was 17? Maybe?

I live at home with my parents. I used to work with my mom because she had a cleaning business but after about 30 minutes I felt so drained and fatigued that I needed to lay down on the floor. I don't think I have a medical problem because this doesn't happen when I'm doing something I enjoy, only if I force myself to do things I find miserable.

I know that trying to get a "normal" job will send me into instant burnout and probably kill me. I only want to make my art and comics and stories, I don't want to be a wageslave making someone else rich until I die in my 30s from being constantly stressed.

Even though I live at home and don't work and don't have to do chores I'm still constantly stressed and on the brink of burnout. I'm so terrified what's going to happen to me after my parents pass away, I can't survive on my own but I would genuinely rather die than be forced to live in a group home where I have all of my possessions taken away and I'm treated like a prisoner with no bodily autonomy.

Even the slightest amount of stress (like dropping a fork on accident) will cause me to have meltdowns where I punch myself until I bruise severely. I cannot handle any amount of stress at all.

When I try to think about how I'm going to survive on my own I become extremely confused and disoriented and I can hardly think. It's like my brain is shutting down to prevent me from having a severe mental breakdown.

How do I find someone to help me? I need someone that's like a caretaker that can pay my bills for me, drive me to the doctor, bring me groceries, etc. so that I don't become homeless and die.

I don't want to do therapy because I cannot stand the fact that they use CBT on you without informed consent, and just constantly gaslight you.

I hate the way they talk to me, like I'm a toddler or a dog that's too stupid to understand anything. The thought of having to tell them everything embarassing about myself makes me want to scream and cry and hurt someone.

And I know that their only answer will be "We need to fix you so that you can learn to be happy being alone and independant!" ignoring the fact that humans are a social species and you cannot cure autism or ADHD or dyscalculia and I'm disabled and need help.

My only hope at this point is that someone really attractive and rich with really low standards falls in love with me and wants to take care of me, but I know that's not going to happen.

So my only option is to find someone that can take care of me (without infantilizing me and taking away my rights) and then I can just... Work on my comics and stories and fantasize about fictional characters and pretend they love me.

If I can't find someone I'm just going to have to move to a state where I can file for MAID and be euthanized.

Firstly, I would love to just hug you, Nonny, because I fully understand where you're coming from. So *warm autistic auntie hug*.

Next, since you mentioned MAiD, I am guessing you're from Canada. Now, I'm in Australia so I've had to Google my information.

Canadian followers can also chime in and correct me or offer more.

So, resources:

Support and Services

Disability Services

Example of Neurodivergent Job Seeking

Also, job wise, there's working from home, freelance comic work etc.

Now, therapy wise: what you're looking for is Neurodivergent affirming therapy. This is not CBT. They work WITH how you think.

Example of a Canada based Neurodivergent affirming therapy

I can't comment on your exhaustion levels because there are just to many variables. It could be autism, ADHD, chronic fatigue syndrome etc etc.

I can recommend a couple of books that may help, also!

And as a fellow person with dyscalculia, you're correct that it can't be cured, but it can be made better. I couldn't tell time in an analogue clock until my late 20s and couldn't count change until my 30s. And I still mess it up. So, I understand where you're coming from.

Lastly: I can't help you with finding a rich man. You already know that I'm going to be all old lady and tell you that is not what to hold out for etc. So, I'll spare you that. Every young person hears that.

But, I can encourage you to date, make friends (if that is your proclivity), go out etc. Only if you want to. Or, focus on subsidised housing and be happily alone. Both and everything in between is valid. You don't need to be with someone to live happily. There are options available.