#long ask

Recently, I entered the profile again to see if they’ve done more attacks since then, and in the last attack they did, the thumbnail was a picture with the character on top of a plane about to crash into the twin towers. I don’t know if that’s allowed, but I think it’s a pretty insensitive thing to send to a stranger

Once you click the attack, the actual drawing is just like the others this user did this year, really well done but looking really AI like. I decided to check the character attacked, and they didn’t look anything alike. The original has half of her face and body with very noticeable pink burn scars that cover almost all in that side, and in the attack they’re practically nonexistent, you have to zoom in to see small dents in some selected places, and they are exactly the same color as the skin

This is the first and only attack this user received. I don’t know if they’re friends or if they know each other, but if they’re not, I feel so bad. If I discover that they’re not friends and this hurt the attacked user, I plan on attacking next year

okay. it was a themed thing with a bunch of characters with the same inspiration. a lot of them are more detailed designs, and even in the attacks simpler style a lot of those details were conveyed well (i like the common theme so i checked out the other ocs to possibly attack myself later)! but then the design of mine they drew ... just looked like a recolor of a [species it is]. when it very much has detail beyond that, particularly in being partially skeletal which wasnt portrayed at all ? i genuinely thought it was one of my friends characters at first (which DOES fit the description of [species] but with those colors) while first scanning the attack bc i couldn't even recognize it as mine until i checked the character links ...

the other thing is that theres like layers to the disappointment too bc like . chosen design: not actually in line with the theme its based on [similar but distinctly different thing]. the design is a part of a misc lineup image, within which one that is very obviously based on the theme is Just to The Right of it in the ref picture. like umissable if ur looking at the design they drew. the lineup is also a part of a misc character entry that ALSO has a design in a different image that fits the theme even more directly bc it is Just The Thing the attack is themed after and the reason the misc entry even has the tag. (+ another character in a diff entry who would also fit better for his connection to that thing, who i vocally REALLY like attacks for). so it is literally shouldered on either side by things that very clearly actually fit the specific theme of it. then theres also the friend for who i thought the art was for initially, who has a character that fits it even better than all that !! and this IS even more completely off the wall bc theres obviously no way a mass attack can include every single instance of a [tagged thing], i just genuinely would've been happier to see them get attacked than my own [species] design i made that i only rly care about as a part of the group its part of, bc my friends character is SO important to them that its infectious. (theres also the bonus bit of the attacks style/theme being of a song i associate HEAVILY with another character of mine but thats even MORE Nothing its just another hair on the camels back of it all.)

its just such an odd string of things to me, especially with the drawn design being in such close proximity to better fitting designs, that it makes me just genuinely wonder what some peoples process is for choosing what they draw in mass attacks. and if some people making mass attacks actually like. check character's written info (bc in past years ive also had extremely random low-priority characters included in mass attacks too which doesn't bother me at all, its just weird that it keeps happening + is the reason i majorly culled my character list this year). but thats probably just bias for how i handle my own attacking (compulsively reading info five million times over to get everything perfect)

ig the thing is that it doesn't feel like my design got attacked, just a vague doodle that could be called it... and i genuinely can't tell if i am just being entitled or if it IS lower effort than the rest of them <:( its even irked me to the point im consciously choosing to not attack back abt it which ive otherwise ALWAYS done no matter what i get, and it just feels so BAD bc i want so badly to like it! i just Cant and that makes me more sad than my disappointment in the attack does tbh.

im sorry for the super long ask whining abt what is literally probably nothing. there was a lot to rattle on about with all the layers and context to my feelings ahahaa,,, i just feel so rotten being ANY degree of upset/let down by a piece including one of my guys, for how much im ALWAYS grateful for anything i get, that i cant get it off my chest anywhere else bc it feels so childish.

so I made an attack on my friend recently, and they really liked it! they said they'd revenge if they were able. I'm not typically one who expects revenges (friends or not) even if they're said to be coming, as someone who's had to abandon artfight WIPs before because it just wasn't vibing right or I couldn't figure out the pose/anatomy/whatever. this particular friend is also busy with some irl commitments this year that I won't get into, so I didn't really think about it too hard

... but recently I remembered something that happened I think last year? where something a bit weird happened. they vented in the group chat about being attacked by someone whose OCs weren't to their particular taste, which is fine! you shouldn't feel obligated to revenge. but one thing (of many, tbf) they pointed out was that the other user had "anti-christian symbols" in their designs. I, being a nosy bitch, went to see if I could sus out who it was (they didn't have many defenses yet and I thought that asking them straight-up might be rude, I saw the convo after it was over and didn't want to beat a dead horse so to speak). when I found the user, the only "anti-christian" things I could identify she might be talking about were like. a dnd teifling and a couple of nonhumanoid demons, but I could've missed something

the reason this is relevant to NOW is because I recently uploaded a new character that I'm in love with that happens to be a demon, it's a design that's really important to me for personal reasons so I put it at the front of my profile. after this realization my brain has latched onto THAT OC being the reason they haven't revenged me, despite there being several more-realistic reasons for it. and like- I don't even care if they don't revenge me, I'm always appreciative of art but the revenge isn't what's important about this, it's the possibility of that being the reason one's not coming

they're a really important friend to me, someone I've known for years. they've never been weird about our differing religious beliefs, but what if this is the straw that broke the camel's back...? they definitely wouldn't discontinue the friendship because of this, but I'm just worried that they'll start to think of me differently...

idk. like I said I'm probably overthinking it. I probably just have too many humanoids on my roster. there's still a few days left. maybe it's religious trauma making me paranoid, maybe it's maybelline.

idgaf that this makes me like the most obnoxious artfighter i need to air out my grievances because repressing them didnt make them go away. normal thing to do on a confession blog i think. anyways i hear stories all the time about people who as their art improved got attacked a ton more and got really insane really beautiful art im return for theirs and i just feel left out tbh. all my friends get these insanely gorgeous pieces and i get attacked by people who normally do polished pieces for everyone else that instead give me a rough messy sketch, probably because i guarantee revenges. man.

yknow, even with all that im still grateful for every attack i get. i shower every single attack i get with love in the comments and put my heart into revenging every one of them. i really do get excited for every attack notification. but there is still an underlying ache when i look at what everyone else is getting. i can't help the jealousy, it's not like feelings are voluntary. that's not inherently a bad thing. and i know other people are out there who share the same feelings as me and i watch them get made fun of. probably rightfully tbh, but yknow as someone going through the same thing i struggle to see it that way. i just feel bad for them. i wonder if the people under posts like this saying anon is obnoxious and entitled have gotten beautiful attacks themselves, don't care (good for them! i wish i could!), or say they don't care but relate to the experience anyways. imo i think they're just lucky that they don't feel this way. it's all rng at the end of the day. you can do everything right and there will still be crickets. thats a lie actually! i know exactly what would actually get me attacks. if i stopped doing fully rendered pieces that put a lot of thought into their characters, and i started doing lots of simpler pieces that i can crank out a bunch in a day, networking and advertising insane amounts, and mass following people i know my chances of getting really good art increase exponentially. hell, the numbers of attacks period you'd get would increase exponentially! but that's not the artfight i want to play. i want to give people memorable pieces, i want to be THEIR incredible attack they finally got. i like making people happy and this is how i like to do it. so this is the outcome for me. but it isn't for everyone else who does the same thing as me, hence the rng. it's rather disheartening. i continue playing anyways because i still get genuine joy out of this. but man.

under similar posts people say just do art trades and yknow what happens when i do those? it's also a game of luck. in my experience as soon as im done with my half the other side ghosts me. i am not fond of art trades outside of friends anymore. if i wanted to art trade i would art trade!!! but i want to artfight and i want the artfight experience other people are getting!!!!

anyways i think this kind of thinking is looked down on so much because it's selfish and people get uncomfortable when seeing selfish behavior. but there's different kinds of selfishness. wanting to finally be the recipient instead of always being the giver is a pretty fair level of selfishness imo

sorry i needed to be bitter and annoyed for a bit i do feel freer after typing all that. long ass ask tho holy shit 💀 hashtag my uncomfortable truth that i will go right back to trying to ignore after this

all this over not wanting attacks with a 13 year old characters boobs out...

well im sure they will be able to have a really fruitful career in childrens illustration.

Like nearly every attack I've made this year has been polished to no end. I've been doing full bodies, backgrounds, lore, including multiple characters, etc.

And I'm not expecting revenges because I'm not attacking people who guarantee them. But I would hope that maybe the ones that do decide to revenge could return it with idk. A drawing that's fully shaded perhaps?

Are my characters that bad? Am I just cursing everyone with bad luck/burnout by drawing for them? Do I not include enough in the paragraphs of lore I wrote?

It's hard not to take things to heart sometimes, even when you know consciously that the likelihood of it being personal is slim to none.

I dont know what's wrong with me. Might stick to commissioning folks I guess.