my constant state of loneliness is hard to explain, i know there are people who care about me, and i know that there’s a person in this world who is truly in love with me, but i still find myself crying over how lonely i feel. i can’t even sit here and say that i don't know why i feel like that because i know exactly why. the people who care about me , and have asked to see me many times, are the people that i bail out on and the people i shut out. the people that i want to fall to and the people that i want to talk to... are people who are never available. if i could explain why i’m like that i would, but that’s the thing i’m not sure of. at times i feel fine with not talking to anyone, if anything i would prefer it. not talking to people about my problems means that i can avoid judgement and saying explanations that i don’t want to get into... or can’t get into.
but sometimes, like these past few months, my friends make me feel guilty about the situations i’m going through, and therefore i don’t ever confide in them. i read their complaints and i see that they have what most people call “real” problems, you know about adult life: bills, jobs, etc. then, there’s me who complains about boys and school from time to time, i don’t even bring up my family drama, because that’s one thing i do keep quite private, but idk i’ve always though that friends weren’t supposed to make you feel like this. as i’ve mentioned in previous entries, i totally get that people are dealing with their own shit and that they don’t need to drop everything when i tell them i’m having boy drama. it’s just that, it’s not even the boy drama i need advice with, i have issues man, things are always a lot more dramatic in my head, so when the smallest things happen i freak the hell out and the only way i can feel better is with reassurance, and a lot of it. it’s just lately, i can’t tell anyone what’s going on without feeling like a total twat, it’s like “really darya? that’s what you’re getting suicidal over? there are people who are dying”..
i always have terrible flashbacks to middle school, middle school was a terrible time for me. i had recently moved from a higher class neighbourhood to a not-so-great one and i wasn’t ever warned that there was a shift in neighbourhoods, you know what i mean? my parents moved me, and i was never warned that the kids in my new school aren’t like the kids in my previous school. in my elementary school, you had to constantly brag about the shoppings your parents did for you at lululemon or artizia, we were 10 year olds competing over who had the most extravagant birthday party. i thought it was the same thing in my new school, so i showed up on the first day with my louis vuitton backpack and was dropped off by my dad in his brand new bmw thinking that i made a great first impression. boy was i wrong, kids hated me, no matter how much i tried to be nice. i remember going home every day for the first month crying and not understanding what i did wrong. after a while, i learnt to switch my flats for phat farms (you’re a true kid of my generation if you remember what those were), and stopped wearing my nice clothes, just to fit in. it didn’t really work, people still hated me, but at least people left me alone. the point i’m trying to make is that, ever since then i’ve always been insecure about not having “real life” problems, when i complain about money or life i feel like people are always rolling their eyes behind my back. you don’t even know how many times i’ve heard “oh no the princess is upset” in my life, even to this day when my family is nowhere as near as well-off as they used to be.
that is why, i tend to hold back my complaints, i’m still traumatized from middle school and it’s hard for me to be comfortable enough to tell my friends, or people what’s really going on. i hate being a burden on people and i hate always having “first-world-problems”, even though to me they are real problems. i’ve been told that my problems aren’t any less serious than other peoples, and i shouldn’t be ashamed of them, but it’s hard to not be self-conscious when throughout a huge chunk of my life people would laugh at my problems, you know?
i just really need a place to my pour my gooddamn heart out, without judgement, without being afraid. it doesn’t help that my problem is about a boy that who’s respectfully asked me to not throw their name around, which makes sense and i understand that, but it sometimes gets really hard to hold in. ugh i don’t know, just not feeling life right now.
