#lokigod

So, I’m new here. I’ve looked at tumblr before a few years ago and thought it wasn’t for me, but then something changed and here I am looking for Lokeans. I now count myself amongst your number.

My coming to Loki was slow and my original interest in him waned rapidly. I watched Thor: Ragnarok with my husband and joked that I would become a Loki stan when I had the time. Well, I didn’t have the time until I wrecked my work from home career. I suffered a bout of psychosis which was, at the time, terrifying but seems pretty mild now I look back on it and compare it to what has gone since. Though I knew nothing about him, I now recognisw Loki was there when it all fell apart. He came to me after the mental health team had assessed me and asked me to laugh at myself. I refused.

But I did become something of a Loki stan, suddenly finding that I had the time to watch the other Marvel movies and from there read other stories about Loki. I had a blog and dedicated a post to him each month, writing about whatever Loki related book or movie I’d stumbled across in my travels.

I didn’t write about Loki as a god because I didn’t know much about him. I listened to the Norse Gods audiobook by Neil Gaiman and that was about the extent of my god!Loki research. I was more interested in Tom Hiddleston’s good looks than anything about the actual Loki, plus I was suspicious of Loki as a god thanks to my Catholic upbringing. It felt a bit like dancing with the devil when I turned my mind to the god himself.

But then I made the mistake of giving him a bigger offering. This was of a sexual nature and I didn’t think anything of it at the time because in my mind I was thinking of marvel Loki.

It proved to be my undoing. After that day the thought of Loki as a god began to seep in and made me superstitious. Fearing a return of my psychosis I abandoned him completely, believing it to be for the benefit of my mental health. A year passed during which I gave him very little attention and he was barely in my thoughts. I was suffering in other ways with my mental health but I now think that he was testing me during that time.

Then, quite out of the blue I had another psychotic episode that saw me spend three months on a psych ward. During that time Loki was my constant companion. He revealed himself openly to me, played a choose your own adventure game with me, and created more chaos than I ever want to suffer again. He humiliated me, made me accuse myself of crimes I would never commit, and played a very dangerous game. And yet, despite what he did to me, I fell in love with him because he made me feel alive.

Loki has turned my life upside down to change me and then put me back just as I was because he wants me to work for change myself. He still talks to me, though not as much as he did before. I think this is because I’ve begun to research him, and though it’s confirmed so much about my experience with him, he asked me not to worship him and to simply live with him speaking to me. I have ignored that, researching him and his worship and now I’m worried about losing him. He says he’s not going anywhere and reminds me that all the mistakes I make are inadvertant but I’m still worried about losing him because he has been very clear on this and yet I’m compelled to do it. He likes to test me and trick me and I wonder if this is part of that.

Loki has been in my head for four months now and I often don’t know what’s him and what’s me though it’s becoming more obvious as he’s given me more control back each week. My life would be easier without him and yet he got me on antipsychotics, which i really needed to be on because I’m bipolar and have suffered psychosis many times. He’s knocked me down, humbled me, showed me what’s important, and given me a kick up the arse to really start appreciating my life and respecting myself.

Hey y’all! So I’m looking to see some more Lokean stuff on my dash. I’m already following @lokeanwelcomingcommittee and a few other blogs, but I need MORE!

Please like or reblog this if your blog is about/in support of:

Some Lokean tribute doodles!!!