#logjames

RACHEL

Rachel stands outside the St. James residence hoping that her knocking on the door wouldn’t wake anyone up if they are sleeping. She tries her luck though, needing James.

JAMES

James shows up at the door with a cup of tea and answers it with a concerned expression. "Rachel? It's like midnight. You okay?"

RACHEL

“Did I wake you?” Rachel pushes passed him, careful to not bump him and spill his tea on the floor or worse, on him. “I don’t know.”

JAMES

"No. I'm working on my sectionals thing." James shrugs and closes the door after she enters the house.  "I still don't know what song I'm doing, but I'm doing a solo."

RACHEL

“Oh. You’re doing something? That’s great.” She manages a small smile, hoping it was bright enough. She really did feel enthusiastic about him performing.June 9, 2018

JAMES

"I'm performing Stutter, and Micah has been kicking my ass with that choreography. Boy goes hard when it comes to dance, doesn't he?" He chuckles. "Want to have a cup of tea and hear it?"(edited)

RACHEL

Rachel’s face falls at the mention of her brother. “I’ll just hear you sing if that is alright?”

JAMES

"Yeah, I can just sing. Whats up with Micah? Your smile fell."

RACHEL

“It doesn’t matter. Just sing for me! I love when you do!” She grins at him.

JAMES

"Don't laugh. I'm going to end up probably losing my voice right after sectionals with this." He laughs and turns on the music to practice the song.

RACHEL

"I could never laugh at you." She promises, sitting back so that she could properly watch him. She's smiling, liking how confident he had become. "I think it is wonderful. I'm hoping my song will fit in with all the others as there is a common theme and Don't Rain on My Parade doesn't fit it." She shrugs.

JAMES

"If not. Then I will love how much you stand out." James smiles at his best friend. "I would show you the dance, but I think you guys learned it already."

RACHEL

“I always stand out.” Rachel says seriously, before nodding. “I do know it but if you want to run through it, that’s okay.”

JAMES

"We can do that. Where are you placed exactly? Are you one of the girls we have as my backup singers?" He asked, pushing the sofa out of the way so they could practice. "I know I'm supposed to take someone and start dancing with them but they never came to that rehearsal."

RACHEL

“I’ve been at every rehearsal I’m supposed to be at.” Rachel says softly. “I meant if you wanted to run through it...not us. But I guess can dance with you”

JAMES

"Then I need that person. My routine depends on it." James bit his lip. "Rachel, do you want to dance a part of the song with me?"

RACHEL

“For now or for sectionals?” She raises an eyebrow. She felt too tired for this but he would know something is wrong if she turned down an opportunity to perform.

JAMES

"Both. Obviously that person isn't coming to sectionals if they haven't been to rehearsals. You're honestly the only person I would trust to dance with me anyway."

RACHEL

“Okay. Then you can teach me.” She smiles, moving to the center of the floor with him and following his steps, catching on quick.

JAMES

"You got this, or do you want to practice again?"  He asks with a grin and lets her go . "You caught on quicker than I did."

RACHEL

"We can practice again. That's fine and then you should probably reheat your tea since I interrupted your drinking it." Rachel can't help but laugh a little. "I happen to be a dancer is all and you're a good dancer but not classically trained."

JAMES

"My tea will be fine. Perhaps you will join me after this." He smiles. "Okay, ready? Correct me in what I might be doing wrong. I know how much winning sectionals would mean to you."

RACHEL

“If I join you we’ll get to talking and I’m not sure I want to talk.” She admits, before nodding. “Of course. You’ll be the perfect trained dancer when I’m done with you.” Rachel continues nibbling at her lip as she makes a few corrections here and there mostly posture and pointing toes. She hopes she’s not being insulting.June 10, 2018

JAMES

"Maybe it will do one or both of use good to talk. You don't have to talk, of course. But if you want, I will listen." James smiles, then follows her instructions. He doesn't get angry, because he knows that she is just wanting him to be better.

RACHEL

Rachel smiles. “I hope we win this year. It would feel really amazing and be good for the club, get us some respect maybe.” She helps him push the couch back in place and then grabs his hand to lead him to the kitchen. “Sit! I’ll make myself a cup and we’ll talk.”

JAMES

"Winning sectionals would be pretty cool. Even if some people would still roll their eyes" James admits and lets himself be led to the kitchen. "Yes, madame." he moves to reheat his tea, then sits down.

RACHEL

“They’re just judgmental. One day we’ll be far superior and they’ll regret their actions when it is too late for them.” Rachel shrugs, going to grab a mug, and then a tea bag from his extensive collection. The last step is pouring the water into the mug. “So I got dropped off here by Eric.” Rachel says quietly once she sits down.

JAMES

"Eric. I don't know who that is." James reaches for her hand and takes it gently, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I'm here for you, sweets. What's up?"

RACHEL

“He...he has purple hair.” Rachel offers, realizing how little she knows of him. “I know you are and I’m here for you even if it hasn’t seemed like that.” She sighs, “I went to do. To do naughty things with him.”

JAMES

"Oh, I've seen him around before. He usually hangs out with Liv." James runs his fingers through his hair. "I gotcha. No judgement here. If that's what you want to do. Then you do you."

RACHEL

“But I freaked out and I made him bring me here.” Rachel continues. “All because he wanted to touch me and I couldn’t tell him no. I just wanted to touch him.”

JAMES

"There's nothing wrong with that, Sweets." He speaks softly and kissed the top of her head. "Is there a particular reason why, or just you didn't want to be touched?"

RACHEL

“I...had a bad first time over the summer.” She says quietly, looking down at her mug. “And I just didn’t want it to be about me.”

JAMES

"Bad first times are an understandable reason. I know from experience." He whispers.

RACHEL

“What happened?” Rachel grabs for his hand, though she’s noticeably skating. “With Danny?”

JAMES

"It was with Danny, and I wanted to, but not..like how we did... It's hard to explain." James laces their fingers together.

RACHEL

Rachel nods her head slowly. “I’m sorry. I don’t think that I wanted what happened at all but I didn’t say no.”

JAMES

"You were probably scared, Rachel, and that's understandable. I don't know because I wasn't there, so I don't mean to assume." He rubs his thumb across the back of her hand to comfort her.

RACHEL

“I was scared.” She nods slowly. “But maybe I shouldn’t have been and that’s why I’m trying to explore so I know what...what I’m supposed to feel when it’s my choice.”

JAMES

"That's completely understandable, Rachel.  That person took away what should have been your choice, and so now you are exploring options and discovering what you like."

RACHEL

“I’m glad you understand.” Rachel says with a smile, liking that she told him, without exactly telling him. “I’m still willing to hunt Danny down if you want.”

JAMES

"Of course I do." James nods, then shakes his head. He's a scumbag and totally not worth the effort or jail time." He then took a sharp breath in. "Does Micah know?"

RACHEL

"You're worth the effort though. I love you." She smiles, taking a sip of her tea. "No. Nobody needs to know that I'm not completely happy about how I lost my virginity. It isn't a big deal."

JAMES

"I think he should know, but I'm not telling him. Mainly so he can understand if you're down because of it." James bites his lip. "I love you too."

RACHEL

“He’s going to be so mad though. I don’t really want anyone knowing. I’d like to explore enough that this is just an after though.” She chews her lip, knowing it didn’t work like that, that this wasn’t the life she wanted for herself. She had plans and throwing herself at boys at fifteen had never been one of them.

JAMES

"You don't know that, but do what you need to do." James gives her a reassuring smile. "Just be safe. For me."

RACHEL

"I don't really remember what safe means anymore." Rachel says with a sigh, "But I'm doing my best."

JAMES

"You know what I mean. Don't let anyone take advantage of your current state of mind." James  bit his lip, hard. he hoped he didn't offend her.

RACHEL

"My state of mind is fine James." She gives him a look, mostly of confusion. She's not sure she knows where she is at and what he means by that.

JAMES

"Not what I meant, but you know. Don't let any unsavory boys take advantage of you in general." He rubbed his arm.

RACHEL

“Maybe that’s what I want.” Rachel says seriously, staring him down.

JAMES

"I'm talking about guys like Danny, Rachel. Not your normal teenager like Eric. I'm just saying be careful, because I don't want to see what happened to me happen to you."

RACHEL

“I want to kill Danny.” Rachel says sadly. “I’m sorry. I hate what he did to you. I hate him for hurting you. I just love you so much.”

JAMES

"I hate him for hurting me, too, but it's something I'm working on moving past." James sighs. "It's not fair to project this onto every future partner I will have or even my friends to have to deal with me not coping."

RACHEL

“I don’t think you’re doing that.” She whispers. “It seems you’re trying to make it through and you talk to me and Jesse.” Her face falls a little. “You’re opening yourself up to Mickey.”

JAMES

"I'm doing better sometimes, then other times it's like I'm suffocating and I feel like I should be by Danny's side. It's weird." He watches her face fall. "Rachel, why did your face fall like that when you mentioned Mickey?"

RACHEL

“You don’t need him.” She says seriously. “He’s awful and he deserves nobody and no happiness. You were too good for him!” She ignores his question

JAMES

"I know that now, but it takes a long while for the whole mindset to wear off." He sighs. "Don't ignore the question. I really want to know."

RACHEL

Rachel nods slowly. She’s not sure she could understand that but their situations are different. “Because I’m Rachel and I’m selfish and want to be everybody’s first and last thought.”

JAMES

"Selfish? I don't think that at all, Ms. Rachel B. Berry. You're pretty damn selfless to me." James looks her in the eye. "Are you jealous? And mind you, this doesn't leave us."

RACHEL

“I’m not selfless and...I’m not jealous. What would I have to be jealous of exactly?”

JAMES

"That's a lie because I've seen you be selfless before. And I guess that it's because they're with me."

RACHEL

“It’s not like that. I’m not jealous of them. I’m not!” Her eyes widen and she makes herself smaller

JAMES

"It's a natural thing, you know." James raises an eyebrow. "Come here."

RACHEL

“No. No. I can’t.” She shakes her head. “It’s just stupid. I’m so stupid.”

JAMES

"You're not stupid, Rachel. You're human." He sighs.

RACHEL

“You’re not supposed to love your gay best friend who is already in a relationship.” She stands from the table.

JAMES

"What do you mean? I love you lots!" He  stands and  moves toward the sink to wash his mug.  "Wait. You... you're in love with me?"

RACHEL

“I need to go.” Rachel whispers. “I need to get out of here. Please.” She digs her nails into her hand slightly to keep herself present.

JAMES

"Let me at least drive you home. That way I know you got there safely." He softly pleads with her, feeling bad about what he had just caused.

RACHEL

Rachel feels the tears start falling and instead of running out the door like her mind was telling her to do. She goes and sits on the couch, facing hiding in one of the pillows,

JAMES

James makes his way to the couch and sits with her. "Rachel, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it. I've just been wrapped up in my own shit that..That's no excuse. I've hurt you."

RACHEL

“I was never going to tell you.” She cries. “I was just going to pretend and move on and it would be okay. I would be okay.”

JAMES

"I'm glad you did, actually. Now I understand why you've been a bit off lately." He admits, actually crying just because his best friend was crying in front of him. "You're still going to be okay. Talking helps."

RACHEL

“You’ll never love me.” She says sadly. “And no one is going to love me because I’m just some broken girl who let someone take advantage of them.” She brings her knees to her chest. “It hurts how much I love you.”

JAMES

"I do love you. It's just in a different way." He reaches for her hand. "One day, you're going to meet the person of your dreams, and they're going to be everything you ever needed. They're going to love you. I promise you'll find them with as talented and beautiful as you are." James can't even look at her. "I'm sorry for that."

RACHEL

“I know.” She pulls her hand away quickly. “I don’t need you to be positive for me. I just...need you to pretend this didn’t happen and I need to sleep.” She’s still crying, body shaking as it does when she cries like this.

JAMES

"You're not going home like this. We have plenty of room here. I'll give you my bed, or there's the guest room, or here if you really insist on the couch." He speaks softly, watching her.

RACHEL

“I want to sleep here.” She whispers quietly. “I don’t want to move I just want to stay here.”

JAMES

"You can stay here. I'll get you some proper pillows and an extra blanket." James whispers, getting up from his seat.

RACHEL

Rachel just nods her head, laying down once he is off the couch. By the time he comes back, she’s fast asleep.

JAMES