#logicality angst

It wasn’t a terribly lonely existence. He watched his few friends drift away as they found the loves of their lives, and wouldn’t feel much loss. It was like he didn’t have any connection to anyone other than himself. He was comfortable in his skin, despite the anomaly of it being completely bare. It was as if he lived in his own universe. Logan felt at home in his solitude.

Once he was an adult, he had accepted that he must not have had a soul. This realization never bothered him. He never once wanted to seek what was missing in his life. 

------

Logan cleared his throat when the phone ringing stopped. “Mr. Sanders? This is Logan Charles, I’m a teacher at Kingston High School.” He was not looking forward to the potential reactions from his students’ parents whenever he called about disciplinary problems. 

There was a shuffle at the end of the line. “Sorry about that, Mr. Charles, I was stepping out of my office.”  

“I’m sorry, is this a bad time?” Logan tried to make sure he sounded appropriately embarrassed. 

“No, no, it’s fine.” Mr. Sanders cleared his throat. His tone was more of a match for Logan’s professionalism now. “What can I do for you, Mr. Charles? Is everything okay?” 

“I just wanted to call you to let you know that I had to take disciplinary action with Virgil this morning.” 

Mr. Sanders gasped. “Oh my God, what happened?”  

“He fell asleep in class this morning. When I tried to have a conversation with him afterwards, he became very agitated and cussed at me.” Logan stated.  

The line was quiet for a few seconds. Logan was starting to wonder if maybe he hadn’t been gentle enough for this standard phone call when he heard the parent sniffle.  

“Thank you,” Mr. Sanders whispered.  “I’ll uh, I’ll talk to him.”  

Logan rarely had a parent cry on the phone with him. Maybe it was the free time on his hands, but he found himself asking, “Is this your first time getting news about Virgil’s troubles?” 

“No-” the sound of a nose being blown “-but this is so early in the school year. And he’s a senior, an- and  it’s been going on so long, and he’s never really gotten...gotten detention, and I’m so so sorry for crying like this!” Mr. Sanders had gotten more incomprehensible as he babbled on.  

“I understand,” Logan said, trying to hide his discomfort. He shifted in his seat. “From what I understand, Virgil has had issues in classes since his freshman year, correct?”  

Mr. Sanders hesitated, probably thinking. “Yeah, he has, but I thought he’d get over it on his own. And never with discipline .” Yes, the excuse most parents have about their kids , Logan thought bitterly. 

Immediately he shoved that thought aside. Something within him told him this wasn’t the average troublemaker problem. “May I ask a personal question?”  

“Go ahead.” 

“Has Virgil ever told you why he’s been having trouble in school? Do you know why he hasn’t been putting effort into his studies?” 

Mr. Sanders laughed bitterly. “Yes, yes I know. My husband died almost five years ago.”  

Everything in Logan halted before speeding up in a blur of questions. Five years ago? Were his parents soulmates? If not, Virgil must have had a hard time at home. If so, the man on the phone was probably the strongest person on the planet.  

Still, suffering a loss so young must have had its own troubles. Logan found himself astounded. How resilient must this father and son be, to be able to get out of bed in the morning? Logan never really understood loss to begin with, but he did know that surviving a soulmate death was nearly impossible. 

“I’m sorry to hear that,” Logan whispered. “Would you like some help with Virgil?”   

Virgil’s dad sighed very loudly into the receiver. “I’ve tried everything I can. I love him, I give him space, I give him attention, I even tried putting him in therapy. Nothing’s really stuck.” his voice grew more bitter. “ I’m close to asking my brother-in-law for help now.” 

“Brother-in-law?” Logan asked.  

“Oh, yeah,” Mr. Sanders sighed. “He’s Thomas Sanders. The superintendent.”  

Logan could tell that was such a touchy subject for this Mr. Sanders. The teacher in him wanted to help in any way he could. He knew Virgil was smart. He knew that Virgil was scared to try, and now he knew a bit of why.  

“I can try to help.” Logan offered softly. “I can help you with Virgil.”  

Mr. Sanders laughed sarcastically. A sound that even a stranger like Logan knew was foreign in his voice. “We’ll be fine. He’ll bounce back eventually. Detention oughtta work.”  

Logan felt something in him snap. “You can’t ignore this, Mr. Sanders! Your son is drowning! I’m offering to give you more help than I get paid for!”  

There was static between the two men. Logan looked at the clock, his break was almost over.  

“...you’re right.” Mr. Sanders’ voice sounded far away. 

“Excuse me?” Logan asked. He felt the ice return in his throat. Cold, professional, even. As if he didn’t just have a huge burst of emotion that would get him in trouble with his boss.  

“You’re right. My son isn’t going to just…” he took a deep breath. “The truth is, I’m as lost as he is. I don’t know what to do here, Mr. Charles. I think maybe... I could use some help.”  

“Logan.”  

“What?”  

“I’m not your teacher.” Logan smiled at himself.  “You can call me Logan.”  

“Patton, you can call me Patton.” he laughed. He had a nice laugh that oddly reminded Logan of freshly baked cookies.  

“Nice to meet you, Patton, though I wish it were under better circumstances.” 

Patton laughed again. “Oh, don’t worry about that.”  

“I also…” Logan cleared his throat, “I am sorry for losing my temper like I just did. It was very unprofessional, and insensitive, and I’m sorry.”  

Patton snorted, an odd sound to hear over the phone. “Please, I needed to hear that. You could say it was a wakeup call for me.” He started snickering.  

Logan tried, and failed, not to groan at the joke. “Well, I’m glad I was of service.”  

“What should I do, Logan?” Patton asked. “I know that’s not exactly your job...but I could use some directions here, Teach.”  

Logan smiled to himself, he liked the way that nickname sounded from this voice. His smile vanished as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch. “I have to go soon. I would love to talk to you more later. For now, though, I suggest working with Thomas. Listen to Virgil. Try to meet him where he’s at. We can then make a plan together, the four of us.”  

“Four?”  

“Virgil should be able to have some say in how we deal with this problem, too.”  

“Ah,” Patton paused. “Thank you for calling me. I’ll get a hold of Thomas. Maybe I’ll go home from work early and try to have a family meeting.”  

Logan nodded before he remembered that Patton wasn’t able to see him. “Alright. I’m here if you need me. Thank you for taking time to talk to me.”  

“No problem. I’ll talk to ya later to make a better plan.”  

Logan smiled at that promise. “We’ll talk later, goodbye.”  

“Buh-bye.”  

-----------------

Logan was grading the assignments that were turned in that day when his work cell phone started to ring. He recognized the number as one he had dialed earlier in the afternoon. 

“Hello?” He glanced at his watch, it was almost midnight.

There was silence on the other end. 

“Hello?” Logan asked again, more urgently. 

“Do you have some time to talk, Logan? It’s Patton.” 

Of course he knew it was Patton. Logan had a good memory, and he had been anticipating a follow-up. Though he hadn’t expected it to be so soon, and so late in the evening. 

“Yes, I have time.” I’ll make as much time as you need , he thought to himself.

Patton sniffled. “I uh, heh... I don’t really know where to start.” 

Logan tried not to smile. “How about you tell me what happened when Virgil came home from school?” 

“Right, yes, of course.” There were some shuffling noises on the phone for a minute. “Sorry, I’m moving out of my office.” 

“Take your time,” Logan assured. “I’m just sitting here grading papers.” 

“I take it Virgil’s isn’t there?” Patton commented, not really asking. 

“No, it’s not.” Logan answered anyway. “But I’m willing to give him an extension, depending on how we proceed.” 

Patton sighed as he shifted more. Probable sitting down. “I don’t know how we will. Today was...well…” 

Logan couldn’t help his curiosity. “Well?” 

“I had Thomas come over, like you suggested. We were here when Virgil got home.” Patton’s words were hesitant. Almost as if he had trouble believing himself. “I got short with him. Used his full name.  And It was the first time I’d seen Thomas and not tried to strangle him, too.” 

Logan tried, unsuccessfully, not to laugh. “Sorry. Continue.” 

“No worries.” Patton’s voice formed a smile in Logan’s imagination. “He pointed out something that made me realize how selfish I’ve been.” 

“Oh?” Logan sat forward on his couch. “How so?” 

There was a moment of hesitation before Patton spoke again. “I’ve been neglecting Virgil. Probably because I wanted to think everything was fine, but also because I didn’t want to deal with Thomas.” 

“I take it you two don’t get along?” Logan asked. 

“You could say that I’ve been holding onto pride,” Patton remarked cryptically, “and I don’t want my son to suffer for that.” 

“I’m afraid I’m a bit confused. I’m not too familiar with your family dynamic.” Logan was starting to feel out of touch again. This was a very emotionally charged conversation, and not the kind he typically had with parents. Or anyone, for that matter. 

“Right, sorry, it doesn’t matter. That’s not why I called.” Patton chuckled. “You’re just easy to talk to, I guess.” 

Logan chuckled nervously. No one had ever said that to him before. “Thank you. So what did you want to talk about?” 

“You said you’re willing to help me with Virgil. I want him to be encouraged to do better in school. Thomas pointed out to me before we talked with Virgil that he’s grown a...reputation,” Patton’s voice tried to halt at that word, Logan could tell, “among the teacher’s, and I want to know if you’d be willing to have his back.” 

“Of course,” Logan swiftly promised. “How would you like me to do that?” 

“Could you maybe work out a deal with him? You work for Thomas, you’ve made it clear you want to work with me. I guess maybe tomorrow at detention, talk to him. Get a feel for how far he’s willing to go to change.” Patton’s tone of voice changed to a higher pitch. “Of course, you don’t have to, I don’t want to take up all your time with other students-” 

“I’d be happy to talk with him.” Logan interrupted excitedly. “I want to help you.” 

The silence was awkward between them. “I- I’d also, obviously, want to help Virgil too.” His face started to feel hot.  “I think he has a lot of potential. He’s smart. He’s definitely got determination when he needs it. If he wants to work with us, I have no doubt he’d thrive.” 

Patton laughed that cookie-sweet laugh. “Oh yes, he would.” 

They both sat in comfortable silence. Logan continued grading his papers while he waited for Patton to say something. 

“Logan?” Patton asked. 

“Yes, Patton?” 

“Can I ask you a personal question?” There was something in his voice that made Logan blush harder. 

“Of course. I try to keep myself open to others when needed.” Logan remarked. It was true. He felt that he had found a good balance between professionalism and personalism when it came to working with parents. 

“Why are you taking a special interest in my son?” 

The question wasn’t accusatory. It wasn’t suspicious, bitter, or asked in a rage. It wasn’t anything bad. Patton was asking because he was curious, possibly even grateful, yet Logan still felt a lump forming in his throat. 

Usually, when parents asked that question, it was because they were accusing him of ‘picking on’ their children. Every time he’d swiftly reply, “Because I’m a teacher, and I want all my kids to succeed.” 

This, however, felt already like a different circumstance. He still wanted Virgil to succeed, but he also felt in his gut that he was just supposed to take this initiative further than he normally would. 

There was something in the air carrying the phone connection. Logan couldn’t give a straight answer. 

“It... it just kind of...happened.” Logan admitted. He rested his hand against the back of his neck. “I didn’t really think about it. You just seemed so…” 

“Much like a crybaby?” Patton interjected playfully. 

“I wouldn’t put it quite like that,” Logan rolled his eyes, “But I would say genuinely willing to work with me. Not a lot of parents these days ask for my input on helping their kids.” 

“Oh, that must make your job difficult.” Patton sounded sincere and sympathetic. “I’m sorry.” 

Logan sighed. “Well, with a boss like mine, I’m usually on my own here. That’s why I’m glad Thomas has taken an unusual hands-on approach with the school this year.” 

Patton didn’t comment. Logan wanted to smack himself for  bringing Thomas up. Even though he didn’t know the full details, he recognized the antagonizing feelings Patton had against Thomas. 

Logan cleared his throat when he realized that the conversation needed to end after that remark. “I’m sure you have things you need to do…” He trailed off, waiting for Patton to respond. 

“Not yet. I don’t want to be alone.” 

“Oh?” Logan asked. 

“S- sorry! I should not have said it like that. That was very inappropriate.” 

“It’s okay, I don’t mind.”

“No, no. I’m sorry. I’ll let you go.” 

Logan frowned in disappointment. “Okay. Will you be willing to meet with me after Virgil’s detention tomorrow?” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll be picking him up.” 

“Okay.” 

“Okay.” 

“...Goodnight, Patton.” Logan whispered reluctantly. 

“Goodnight, Logan. See you tomorrow.” 

“See you tomorrow.” 

The phone call was over. Logan poured himself into the rest of his work. He tried not to think about the fact that, for a brief moment, he enjoyed not being alone at night time. 

With a sigh, he continued his evening routine. Doing everything in his power not to notice the sudden emptiness in the space next to him. 

---------

The conversation with Virgil had gone well. Logan felt like the kid had definitely felt something about his conversation with Patton the night before. Not that Logan knew the details, of course, nor would he tell Virgil that he knew how that went. Yet he could see that something about last night made Virgil see things more clearly. 

The pair walked out to the parking lot in silence. Logan tried thinking about why his heart rate was speeding up. Since when did he feel nervous meeting a student’s parent?

Patton wasn’t turned towards them. He was leaning over the hood of a silver Chevy. His profile was sturdier than Logan had imagined. Wait, when had Logan imagined what Patton looked like? 

Logan felt like his eyes were about to pop out of his skull when Patton turned around, the setting sun causing a beam of light to shine on him as it bounced off of the windshield behind him. 

Logan tried to swallow away the sudden lump in his throat. Oh no , he thought frantically, he’s hot .

“How did it go?” Patton’s voice was bubbly like soda pop. The smile in his voice as radiant as all the stars in the sky. He was even more pleasant to listen to in person.

Patton stuck his hand out. Logan automatically shook it.

“Well, um, it went well I suppose. We, um. We came to the uh, agreement to um...get extra help for the marking...period.” Logan wanted to shrivel up in embarrassment at his stammering. With unfamiliar reluctance they ended the handshake.

Virgil stalked off to wait in the car. Patton kept grinning at Logan. “Thank you for all of this. I’m sorry that he cussed at you, though I’m also glad that this led to...this.” Patton gestured his hand between them.

Logan tried to keep his voice steady as he forced himself to keep his eyes from wandering to Patton’s cardigan-clad shoulders. “Me too.” 

“What did he say?” Patton stepped closer as he lowered his voice. He sounded so different when he was serious. “Is he going to be okay?” 

Logan nodded. “Yes, yes. He agreed to trying to change things. I think that whatever happened last night opened his eyes to whatever’s been going on with him.” 

Patton nodded. Relief spread on his face. Logan wanted to give more to keep Patton stress free. His relaxed face mixed with the sunset made Logan wish he had his camera.

“I would like to, um,” Logan felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “I think it- it would be best if we...if you and I met up regularly.” 

Patton tilted his head, an adorable grin on his face. “Really? Why?” 

Logan took a deep breath. “I think it’d be best if we keep ourselves updated on Virgil’s progress. Thomas is very busy, so you and I will be the ones taking point in supporting your son.” Logan was proud of himself for getting that out without stumbling. And also you’re very pleasing to look at so having only phone calls would be torture , he added to himself. 

Patton nodded. “Alright, yeah, we can do that.” Patton reached his hand forward. “Thank you for all of this Logan. I’m sure you don’t get paid enough to do all of this.” 

Logan shook his hand again. He could have sworn that his arm radiated warmth. He glanced down because of the odd sensation. The first thing he noticed was a bright orange marigold wrapped on the inside of Patton’s forearm. 

Right. Patton was a widower, and he had a soulmate. Just like everyone else Logan shook hands with.

It took all of Logan’s willpower not to deflate in front of Patton. “I don’t do this for money. I take care of my students the best that I can.” 

“Well, thank you anyways,” Patton still hadn’t let go. “Should we meet for coffee this weekend?” 

Logan couldn’t help but grin at the thought. “I’d love to. You can text my work cell to set up a time.” 

Finally, Patton let go of their hands, leaving Logan feeling cold even though it was still warm outside. He put both of his hands in his pocket. He looked at the ground so that Patton wouldn’t see his embarrassment. 

“I’ll be sure to do that. See you later!” 

Logan looked up to watch him walk away. “See you later…” he trailed off. 

Patton didn’t notice the longing in Logan’s voice. Logan watched as Patton made his way to the silver car. He studied Patton’s profile. The cardigan draped across his back, the blue polo tucked into his khaki slacks, and the way he walked with a pep in his step. 

He waved the pair off as they pulled out and drove off. He stood like that, not daring to move. For once in his life, he didn’t want to go home. However, he had work to do. Papers to grade, feedback to give, and a bed to sleep in by himself.

Logan drove home in silence. He tried listening to music, but it all sounded like white noise to him. When he got home, he ordered a pizza instead of making the dinner he had planned for one. 

He sat down at his desk, pulled out his work cell, and leaned over the worksheets that had been turned in. Virgil’s was at the top of the list. 

Logan felt his chest tightening. He shouldn’t be feeling this despair over a man he just met. A student’s parent, no less. He knew he was destined to be alone forever. Still it was like his mind was expanded. He felt his universe had been pried open at the sight of Patton. It was so ridiculous.

In his entire thirty-five years of life, Logan Charles never had a soulmate, and for the first time...he wasn’t okay with that.

-

-

-

-

   He marched down to the breakfast table, pouring himself a glass of orange juice. He knew he had just brushed his teeth, but he didn’t care. That’s life, after all.

   Straight path, I don’t cut corners.

   His father walked past the table, ruffling his hair affectionately. “How ya doin, champ?”

   “I’m fine, thank you.” Logan gave his father a small smile, fixing his hair carefully.

   “Honey, you have to go! You don’t want to be late!” His mother called from the kitchen. Standing up, he walked over to her and gave her a small kiss on the cheek. 

   “Love you, mom!” Logan called over his shoulder as he walked out the door.

   I make a point to be on time, head of the student council.

   Logan boarded the bus quietly, doing his best to ignore the chatter of the students around him. He slid into a seat, pulling out a book to read. He had only barely read the first page when something solid and warm collided with his shoulder.

   “Whoa, sorry there Logan!” Patton chirped, way too happy for this early in the morning.

   “It’s quite alright, Patton. You didn’t mean to.” Logan responded simply, pulling a pair of earbuds out of his bag and plugging them into his phone.

   I don’t black out at parties, I jam to Paul McCartney.

   Still vaguely aware that Patton was talking to him, he pulled up his playlist on Spotify, playing a Beatles song that he was particularly fond of called “Hey Jude.” As the music flowed through his earbuds he allowed himself to get lost in his book. 

   He was only able to read for a little bit, though, because Patton caught his attention by calling his name. Logan’s head jerked up, making eye contact with his bright blue eyes. His heart did a strange little flutter in his chest, which was strange. He made a mental note to research that when he had a moment.

   “Sorry, I’ve been rambling! How have you been, Logan?” He said brightly, his lips curling into a bright smile.

   If you ask me how I’m doing, I’ll say “well, hmm…”

   Logan hesitated for a moment. How was he doing, really? 

   “I’m doing… fine, Patton, thank you for asking.” You’re lying, his brain chided him. You’re not fine.

   I was adopted when I was two, my parents spoiled me rotten. Often I ask myself what did I do to get as far as I’ve gotten?

   The bus lurched to a stop, and Patton bounded out of his seat. Logan, still a little surprised he was that energetic in the mornings, walked off behind him and was swallowed up by the mass of students.

   A pretty girl walks by my locker. My heart gives a flutter but I don’t dare utter a word.

   Logan busied himself at his locker, having time to kill before his first class of the day. He glanced over his shoulder into the hallway, and stopped what he was doing immediately.

   Patton was walking with two of his friends, laughing at some joke. The sunlight was coming through a window to set his golden curls on fire, and his bright blue eyes were sparkling with humor. Again, Logan’s heart did that strange little flutter, and something in him compelled him to move forward and say something to him. Subconsciously, he took a couple steps forward before his brain screamed at him to stop.

   Think about your reputation! It shouted. What would they all think of you if they knew you were gay? And crushing on Patton Clawthorne, no less?

   Logan knew it was right, but he wanted so badly to ignore it and listen to that strange feeling. But in the end, logic won out, and he stayed standing in front of his locker. Frustrated with himself, he slammed the door and stalked off to his first class.

   ‘Cause that would be absurd behavior for Little Miss Perfect.

~~~~~

   Logan always dreaded lunch. It was the “social hour,” which often meant he was forced to sit with people he didn’t know and talk about things he didn’t care about.

   Today, however, the gods had mercy on him as he managed to find an empty corner table. Breathing a sigh of relief, he settled down in one of the chairs, facing the rest of the student body.

   For a little bit, he was able to eat in relative peace. But then, as people started to filter out, he caught snippets of conversation.

   “The Blight kid? Yeah, he’s crazy. Top student, total teacher’s pet. Really annoying too. Have you noticed the tie he always wears?” One pair said, and Logan winced. He knew he was smart, but that was a little harsh.

   “I heard he’s like a robot, no emotions at all. A bunch of girls have tried to flirt with him, but he didn’t react at all.” A girl said to an underclassman, and that one stung more. Of course he had emotions, everyone did. And of course he hadn’t responded to any of the flirting, he was gay! It made no sense at all.

   Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, no, I can't risk falling off my throne. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, love is something I don't even know.

   As he continued to listen, the whispers got louder. He wasn’t even sure if they were real or if his brain was making them up. His chest felt tight, and he felt his face heat up. He didn’t know what was happening, but he knew that he had to get away. 

   Collecting his things quickly, he dashed off to the bathroom. He braced himself over the sink and stared down into the white ceramic, focusing on getting his breathing under control.

   Suddenly, he heard the sound of the door opening behind him.

   “Logan? Are you okay?” Patton’s voice said from behind him, and there was a warm hand pressed between his shoulder blades. “I can’t believe they would say such mean things!”

   He hesitated for a second, then Logan turned around and collapsed into Patton’s arms, pressing his face into his shirt and trying to breathe deeply. Patton, to his credit, only seemed taken off guard for a moment. Then he wrapped his arms around the trembling boy with all the strength he could muster. The two stayed there for quite a bit, Patton murmuring nonsense into Logan’s hair while the latter got himself together.

   When he had himself under control, Logan looked up into Patton’s eyes. He didn’t pull away from the hug, so they were quite close together. Logan realized this a bit too late as he began to speak.

   “Thank you, Patton. I truly appreciate it.”

   “Of course, Lo. Anything for you. I’m happy I could help.” Patton smiled, and Logan shivered involuntarily as he felt his hot breath ghost over his face.

   Somehow, without even realizing it, he had begun to move closer. He found his gaze flitting between his eyes and his lips, pink and full and seeming so soft.

   There’s only one way to test that hypothesis, he thought to himself as he pressed his nose into Patton’s cheek. His eyes slowly fluttered closed, but as soon as he felt Patton lean in to close the gap, he panicked.

   He tore out of his arms, breathing heavily. He leaned against the sink again, this time too afraid to look into the mirror.

   “Logan?” Patton said, and suddenly he was glad he hadn’t looked in the mirror, because Patton’s voice was so full of pain that he was sure his face was even worse.

   “My apologies, Patton,” Logan said, voice distinctively shaky. “I don’t know what got into me. We need to head to class. Give me a moment, I’ll be right there.”

   “Lo-”

   “Just go, Patton.” Logan said, his voice breaking. He felt Patton hesitate behind him, then he heard the door open and close. 

   Straight hair, straight A's, straight forward, straight girl. Little miss perfect, that's me.

~~~~~

   It was now about three months later, and Logan had managed to mostly forget about the bathroom incident. He continued his life at school as normal, though he avoided Patton’s eyes as much as he could. The bus ride was the same, though it was now missing the familiar bump that came with Patton sliding into the seat.

   By all accounts, Logan’s life shouldn’t have changed at all. But somehow it had.

   Near the end of the year, something in him decided this was unacceptable.

   His parents were going out of town that weekend, so Logan had the house to himself. Normal teenagers would have thrown a huge party and invited half the school, but Logan wasn’t exactly a “normal teenageer.” His plan was to catch up on homework, and maybe he’d get to see some of his friends in the evening.

   But the same little part of him that insisted on keeping him awake all night thinking about a certain boy gave him other ideas. So at school on Friday, he walked up to Patton in the halls.

   Nervously, he tapped him on the shoulder, making him turn around suddenly. His face lit up when he saw Logan, which made him breathe a sigh of relief.

   “Logan!” He nearly shouted, clearly overjoyed. “I’ve missed you! Where have you been?”

   “I’ve still been in school, Patton. I’m legally obligated to be here, after all.” He responded with a wry smile, making the other boy beam.

   “That’s a good point. So what’s up?”

   “Well, I actually wanted to ask you if you would like to come to my house tomorrow night? My parents will be out of town, and I figured it would be a good time to reconnect.” He said, trying to keep his voice from showing how incredibly nervous he was.

   “That sounds perfect, Lo! I’ll absolutely be there.” He beamed again, making it impossible for Logan not to smile back.

   “Good to hear. I’ll see you then.” He turned on his heel and began walking down the hall, feeling as though there was a new spring in his step.

   One night my friend stayed over. We laughed, and drank and ordered.

   Tomorrow night came, and Logan found himself pacing in the living room. 

   Logically he knew that things would probably work out fine. But there was a little voice in the back of his head that was telling him that it would be a disaster, and that Patton would hate him after tonight. He did his best to push it down as the hour dragged on.

   The doorbell rang, and he nearly fell on his face in his rush to open it. As he swung the heavy wooden door open, his breath caught in his throat.

   Patton was standing on his porch. In a blue dress shirt. And a skirt.

   Logan opened and closed his mouth a couple times, but no sounds came out. Patton swished the skirt a bit, smiling broadly. 

   “Whaddya think, Lo? I saw it had cats on it and I knew I had to get it immediately.” He laughed.

   “You look… magnificent. I mean gorgeous! No, I mean good! You look good, Patton.” Logan managed to stammer out, feeling himself flush.

   Patton giggled and walked into Logan’s house. “I know what you mean, don’t worry. Thanks!”

   Something about her drew me in… What? It's totally platonic!

   ~~~~~

   After that fairly awkward start, the two fell into a natural rhythm. Logan had ordered pizza earlier, so they ate while watching an episode of Steven Universe. (Logan had wanted to watch something else, but Patton’s insistence that it was the best show in the world and his puppy dog eyes had weakened his resolve.)

   That night was so exciting, her smirks were so enticing. Hours speed by like seconds, then, what happens is iconic.

   Logan and Patton had started off pretty far away on the couch, but after Patton had grabbed his hand at one of the more intense scenes, it seemed that they had been gravitating toward each other. Now Logan was laying between Patton’s legs, his back pressed against his chest and Patton’s arms around him. He knew he should feel self-conscious or embarrassed, but he couldn’t really bring himself to care. 

   As Patton took a sip from his soda, Logan’s eyes were drawn to his lips, just as they had been in the bathroom three months ago. He bit down on his own lip as he forced himself to look at the screen, trying to distract himself.

   She takes a sip, I bite my lip. She tells a joke, I nearly choke. She braids my hair, I sit there blacking out for the first time.

   They had finished one episode and were about to start another when Patton had an idea.

   “Let me braid your hair!” He exclaimed, making Logan jump.

   “What?” Logan said, twisting around so he could look Patton in the eye.

   “Let me braid your hair!” He repeated. “I have two younger sisters, so I know how! Plus I think your hair would look really good braided!”

   Logan hesitated, before Patton pulled out the puppy dog eyes. He sighed. 

   “Alright, fine.”

   Patton cheered and clapped his hands eagerly. “You’re too tall to do it like this, here, lay down in my lap.”

   Logan, though he was a blushing, stuttering mess, obeyed anyway, resting his head on Patton’s thighs gingerly. Patton began running his fingers through Logan’s straight hair, and he nearly melted at the touch. Alright, maybe this wouldn’t be so bad.

   Patton finished the braid quickly, and Logan nearly pouted as he removed his hands from his hair. Suddenly, his brain was screaming at him to kiss him, kiss him, KISS HIM, KISS HIM- 

   Patton started to lean back, but Logan’s hands shot up to grab him by the front of the shirt. He looked into his eyes, trying to read his thoughts. “If you’re uncomfortable, please tell me to stop.” He said plainly.

   “What? Why would I be uncom-”

   Patton’s sentence was cut off by Logan dragging him down and capturing his lips with his own. The voice in Logan’s head cheered FINALLY as his eyes fluttered closed, cupping Patton’s face with both hands. Patton leaned into the kiss, closing his eyes too and placing his thumbs on Logan’s cheekbones.

   Everything was perfect for a few moments, until Logan’s eyes opened and he caught sight of his reflection in the window. 

   Him, Logan Blight, laying on his parents’ couch, kissing a boy. 

   Next thing I know I lose control. I finally kiss her but oh no. I see a face in my window, then my brain starts to go. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, no, you can't risk falling off your throne.La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, love is something you don't even know. Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, you can't risk falling off your throne. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, love…

   ~~~~~

   With a gasp, Logan shoved Patton away and shot off the couch. Completely overwhelmed, he dashed off to his room, slamming the door, leaving Patton on the couch in shock.

   Logan paced his room, hyperventilating. What had he done? This would ruin his reputation. What would the others at school say? What would his parents say? Oh, he had made a mistake. What did he do?

   He stopped pacing as an idea struck him. He’d just do the same thing that he did after the bathroom incident. Brush it off, pretend it didn’t happen. Yes, that would work. No one had to know.

   You don't even know… Rewind, induce amnesia. Deny the truth, that's easier. You're just confused, believe her when she says there's nothing there. It's never worth it, when you're little miss perfect.

   His mind made up, Logan took a deep breath and walked out of his room and into the living room. Patton was still sitting there, staring down at his lap. He looked up when Logan entered the room, and he looked so vulnerable it made Logan’s heart ache.

   “Lo?” When he spoke, it was shaky and uncertain.

   “I’m sorry, Patton. I don’t know what overtook me. Silly impulses, I’m sure. It would be best for both of us if we acted as if this never happened.” He spoke confidently, but he faltered as Patton just looked even more wounded.

   “Do you not… like me that way? I thought that after what happened in the bathroom, I might actually have a shot with you. I guess not.” He barked out a bitter laugh, a strange sound to come from such a sweet person.

   “I do like you, Patton,” Logan admitted, sitting down on the couch next to him gingerly. “It’s just that the people at school… what will they do if they find out that I’m…”

   “Gay? Logan, please don’t start with that.” Patton said, making Logan look up in surprise. “Who cares what they think? It’s just high school.”

   “Yes, but high school leads to college, and college leads to graduate school, and graduate school leads to the rest of our careers. I have to be perfect if I want to achieve everything I want to do.”

   Patton gave him a disbelieving look. “Logan, no one is going to care who you do or don’t kiss in high school. It won’t affect your future at all, assuming that you and I…” He looked back down at his hands at this. “Don’t see each other after high school.”

   Logan was hopelessly torn. His brain was telling him that this was the right thing. To put his future before what he wanted right now. But his heart was telling him that Patton was right, that it doesn’t matter what he does in high school because he’ll be fine either way. And his heart knew that he wanted so badly to be with Patton.

   “No, I… I really do like you a lot, Pat. And if I could, I’d love to try dating you some day. But the others at school-”

   Patton cut him off with a frustrated cry and a firm kiss. “Forget about the others at school for a second, Logan! Literally no one will care! Sure, people will spread gossip for a week, but then they’ll move on to some other thing. Think about what you want here, right now.” His eyes softened, taking Logan’s hands in his own. “Why did you kiss me?”

   “Because I’ve wanted to for several years.” Logan said automatically, then blinked, stunned at how effortlessly that answer had come to mind.

   “Okay. And do you want to kiss me again?”

   “Yes, very much so.” He said, again surprised by his own frankness.

   “Then do it.”

   Hesitantly, Logan leaned in and pressed a feather-light kiss to Patton’s kiss.

   “Do you want to kiss me again?” Patton asked again, a smile gracing his features now.

   Logan nodded, starting to see his point.

   “Do it then.” 

   Logan kissed him again, this time allowing himself to linger for a bit. When he did pull back, he looked Patton in the eyes.

   Patton smirked at him. “Do you still care about what the others at school will say?”

   Logan lunged forward and kissed him firmly and passionately, his lack of experience definitely showing. Luckily, Patton seemed to have some idea of what he was doing, so Logan let him set the pace. He parted his lips when his tongue flitted against them, tangling his fingers in Patton’s curls as they kissed.

   He got lost in the kiss, and when they finally parted for air, Logan was on his back with Patton straddling his hips. He blushed beet red, but made no attempt to move from where he was.

   Patton gave him a sweet smile that made his heart flutter. “If you want me to stop kissing you, I will. But do you get my point now?”

   Logan nodded, some of his hair falling into his face. “Screw the others.” He said, trailing his hands down from his hair to cup Patton’s cheeks. “You’re right, it doesn’t matter what they say.”

   Patton smiled again, practically beaming. He nodded enthusiastically, clearly pleased with Logan.

   Logan just couldn’t resist leaning up and kissing that perfect smile.

TAGLIST

General: 

@definitely-a-living-human

@my-friends-art-and-writing

@arodynamic-enby

@ari-the-writer-enby

@me-a-mess-morelikelythanyouthink

@irritating-lady-knight

@asexualtrashcan

Logicality:

@patton-cake

@does-this-look-logicality-to-you

@pattonsmile