#lloyd angst

I'm gonna give him the mentality of an 8 y/o and THEN angst-dump him >: ]

 “Am I a bad kid?” Lloyd asked, reading the arching sign in front of him. Darkley’s School for Bad Boys. “I’m sorry…”

“No, no, Lloyd,” a woman softly assured him. “You’re a very good boy. You’ll eventually see how good you truly are. For now though… well, there aren’t many boarding schools in Ninjago…” Lloyd felt her sigh even as she tried to hide it. He glanced at the tall building ahead of them. There was a man at the front of the building, hands clasped together behind him.

“What’s a boarding school?” The small child asked.

“It’s a school where you live and study in the same place,” The woman answered.

“Like we do at home?”

“That’s different, that’s called homeschooling. Here, certified teachers will be instructing you.”

“What about you?” Lloyd asked with a tilt of his head. The woman frowned and broke eye contact with the little boy. “Mama, won’t you still be teaching me?”

“I’m sorry, Lloyd. While you’re here I can’t teach you,” the woman finally answered. “I promise I’ll visit you often. Especially on your birthday.”

“Visit me? You’re not coming with?”

“I have some important research to do.” The woman hesitated to speak but knew she must. Lloyd’s eyebrows furrowed at the woman. Why did that change anything? Lloyd was good at not touching all the objects in the museum where his mom worked. Plus all her coworkers loved Lloyd! They said so themselves! They even played with Lloyd whenever his mom went to the extra fragile sections. “You’ll understand when you’re older… I hope.”

Now standing before the man, the woman set Lloyd down. Lloyd stood in place, staring up at the new adult. His mom tried to nudge him forward towards the stranger.

“Ah, there he is!” the strange man grinned. “The son of Lord Garmadon! A little young for the program, but I’m sure he’ll be a top student regardless!”

“I’m sure too, Lloyd already knows how to read which is quite advanced for his age-”

“Oh yes, that,” the man waved her off. “I meant more so in his villainy but I suppose that’s nice too.”

The woman huffed and Lloyd stepped back. He gripped onto his mother’s pant leg and hid behind her. He wasn’t sure who this man was and why he seemed so dismissive of his mom. No one ever treated her that way! No one ever should in Lloyd's opinion. Lloyd looked up at his mom with pleading eyes, hoping she would notice and pick him up again and take him back home.

“Hm. Shy.” The man commented flatly. “We will be sure to fix that soon.” The strange man leaned down and pealed the young Lloyd off his mom’s leg. “Come now, Lloyd. We have much to introduce you to.”

“Mama,” Lloyd cried, looking back to the woman.

She kneeled down and Lloyd felt momentary hope. Yet all she did was brush his hair out of his face and place a kiss on his forehead. “I’m sorry,” she murmured, so soft that Lloyd wasn’t sure if he heard her or the sound of the wind. “Be brave, my little sapling. I’ll be back soon. I promise.” The woman hesitated before standing up and turning around.

“Mama…?”

The man tugged Lloyd's hand, pulling him into the building. As he was dragged, he could only watch as his mom walked away in the opposite direction.

“Mama!”

Her head dipped lower. Lloyd could barely see as his mother wrapped her arms around her midsection.

“Mama, please! Please, don’t leave me! I’ll be a good kid! I promise! Mama!”

Lloyd’s eyes opened. The wooden boards of the dark ceiling stared back at him. That memory again. No matter how often he recalled it, his mother’s face was nothing but a blur. He tried to think back but further back in his life, the memories got too blurry. He remembered playing in the break room of his mom’s work, yet he was not sure where it was. He thought it was a museum, only because he remembered her talking about history a lot. But he also remembered her smelling like old books, so perhaps it was a library?

Everything was a blur. He couldn’t remember her face. Who was his mother? Why couldn’t he recall anything about her? The only thing Lloyd was almost positive about was that she had brown hair. Brown hair that was so soft. He could imagine the braid swaying from side to side as she walked away from him. Never to return. There was not a single birthday she appeared for. Whenever the other boys caught him crying about it, they’d tease him. They said his mother didn’t love him. That’s why she lied and never visited. All the other boy’s families visited their sons. That’s because they loved their sons. But Lloyd was a disappointment. That’s why he spent every birthday and holiday alone. His mom didn’t love him and his dad had more important things to deal with than his pathetic son.

Lloyd still loved his mother. He missed her. He missed how she held him. He missed how she would always tell him how special he was to her. He missed sneaking into her bed after a nightmare. He missed how she’d comfort him. He missed feeling her brush his hair every morning. He missed how she would then let him help brush her long brown hair. He realized now that he wasn’t much help, in fact, he made it take longer. Yet she still made the time. She woke up earlier just so Lloyd could feel helpful. She did so much for him. Lloyd missed his mom.

Lloyd sat up and pushed away his blanket, green to match his new destiny. Lloyd wondered if his mom somehow knew and that’s why she always said he was special. The young boy slipped out of bed and over to his dresser. From one of the drawers, he pulled out a pair of green socks. Lloyd had never cared much for green, but the ninja took their color coding seriously. As a ninja-in-training, he had to get used to wearing only green. In the ninja’s defense, it helped prevent fights over who was making the room a mess. Lloyd remembered how a few months ago Jay still had white socks that he would wear and then leave around the room. At first, he tried to blame it on Zane. But that was quickly disproven by the fact they were sweaty, and nindroids don’t sweat. Arguments had since decreased dramatically now that the ninja all only wore their designated color.

Lloyd slipped on the socks, using them to dampen any sounds of his walking around the bounty. He was going on a mission. A super secret and super silent ninja mission! Not really, but it made it more fun to think of it like that. Plus if anyone caught him, that would be his excuse. He was simply testing out how his training was going.

Lloyd crept out of his room. By now, he had memorized where the creaky boards in the old ship were. This wasn’t his first time sneaking out of his room on this mission. He’d succeeded once before but failed countless other times. Tonight, he will succeed once more. He hoped.

Lloyd made his way to the older ninja’s room. If he couldn’t have a mother, he would have the second-best thing. A brother. Though if his plan failed again, he’d have the third best thing. A sister. With the ninja always leaving Lloyd and Nya alone on the ship together, the two had lots of time to bond. Lloyd couldn’t believe that a few months ago he wanted no girls in his tree house. Nya was actually cool. He now couldn’t imagine not having her around. It had taken longer with her than Kai, but she had recently promised to be his big sister. Lloyd assumed that being a big sister meant that he was allowed to bug her when he couldn’t sleep. Just as he had done with his mother. Just as he was going to with Kai now.

Lloyd used both hands on the door handle to the older ninja’s room. He knew he needed the extra support to move slowly enough for the door not to squeak. There were so many times when Lloyd had gotten this close, only for the door to squeak and wake one of the ninjas. Lloyd sighed in relief as the door opened, barely wide enough for Lloyd to slip his small frame through. He knew that any wider and the door would creak no matter what.

Now came the most difficult part. Lloyd could count the number of times he’d gotten this far on a single hand. He didn’t have the floorboards memorized in this part of the ship. The one place that it was important he be absolutely silent. If he made any noise, Zane would be the most likely to wake up, as he was the lightest sleeper. Lloyd liked Zane. The ice ninja was his third favorite behind Kai and Nya. The only issue is that he knew Zane would not give him what he wanted. He wanted to recreate how his mother cared for him. Zane cared, but he was not the same. Zane would lead Lloyd back to bed and read him a bedtime story until he would fall asleep. It was nice, and there were some nights where that was what Lloyd wanted. Tonight was not one of those nights.

Lloyd took a deep breath as he recalled the previous week. He had volunteered to help Jay with the laundry. It gave him an excuse to walk around the older boys’ room as he helped put the folded clothes away. 2 3 2 1 4 3 2 3 3. That was the pattern of how many boards he had to step across to get to Kai’s bed without stepping on a single noisy board. Lloyd hoped he remembered correctly. It would get suspicious if he kept volunteering to help with chores. When Lloyd had volunteered the first time, Cole pressed the back of his hand to Lloyd’s forehead. He joked that the young boy must have a fever. There was no way that Lloyd Garmadon, the boy who hated chores, would willingly volunteer. Thankfully, he didn’t need to come up with an excuse as Jay batted Cole away. Lloyd knew Jay only did it for his own benefit. The blue ninja hated chores just as much as Lloyd. Jay at least felt much better about doing work when he had help or company.

Lloyd shook his head. He kept stalling. At this rate, he’d be here until sunrise and would never get what he wanted. Lloyd stepped over two planks, his movements silent. Next, he stepped across three. Then two, then one. Lloyd took a deep breath before stepping across the large gap of four. Now it was easy. Three, two, three, and three. Now he stood at the ladder leading to Kai’s bed. Lloyd wished Kai had gotten the bottom bunk right now. Why did Zane need the lower bunk? Did nindroids even need to sleep? Zane never seemed to get tired from what Lloyd saw. Though maybe he hid his exhaustion. That seemed like something Zane would do.

Lloyd carefully climbed the ladder and into Kai’s bed. A grin spread across the young boy's face as he realized he had made it. Maybe his training was working? At this point, even if one of the others woke up they would more than likely assume that Kai had a handle on the situation. Lloyd shuffled up the bed towards Kai’s torso.

The firemaster had taken a shower before bed, leaving his hair free from its gel cage until morning. The brown locks spread over his pillow. Kai’s hair was surprisingly long. Lloyd supposed it had to be to create those tall spikes. Kai turned his head away, facing towards the wall. Lloyd was struck with deja vu as he stared at the back of Kai’s head, and more importantly, the long brown hair. Lloyd reached out a hand and touched one clump of strands. It was soft. Lloyd expected it to be rough from the abuse of daily gelling. Perhaps Kai had a good conditioner or had stolen Nya’s.

Lloyd mentioned to her that he used to like brushing his mom’s hair. Nya let Lloyd play with her hair. Although it wasn’t as much fun due to how short it was. Yet now he knew how soft Nya’s hair was. When he asked she said it was only due to her conditioner. It smelled like the beach and vanilla.

“What the fuck…” Kai’s voice mumbled as he finally awoke to the presence in his bed and subtle tugs on his hair. Kai turned his head back, seeing the outline of his new little brother. “Shit,” Kai cursed, realizing he had sworn in front of the child. Although Lloyd had heard much worse at Darkley’s. “I mean-” Kai groaned as he realized his mistake again. “I’ll buy you candy if you don’t tell Wu.”

“Deal,” Lloyd agreed. Tateling on Kai hadn’t even crossed his mind, but he wouldn’t let Kai know that. Just because Lloyd was good now didn’t mean he wasn’t a little bit manipulative when it came to getting candy.

Kai yawned and sat up. He looked below at the alarm clock. It was only 11 pm. Meaning Kai had only been asleep for an hour, and Lloyd for two. At least he should have been. “You have a nightmare again?” Kai questioned.

Lloyd shook his head in response. “Not tonight. Just couldn’t sleep.” As much as the memory haunted Lloyd, he didn’t consider it a nightmare. A true nightmare would be if he dreamed of his mom telling him exactly what his bullies said. That she hated him. As painful as reality was, it wasn’t that bad. Even as she abandoned him, she told Lloyd how much she loved him. Lloyd’s mother did love him. She was better at saying it than showing it though.

Kai nodded his head and laid back down. He shuffled his body towards the edge of the bed, creating a space for Lloyd against the wall. Kai had learned his lesson from the last time when Lloyd nearly fell off the bunk bed. He tapped the space he made before getting himself comfortable again. “Come on then, bean sprout,” Kai mumbled, accepting his fate. If he wanted undisturbed sleep then he shouldn’t have become a ninja or agreed to be a brother to this young child.

Lloyd took no time curling up in the empty space. He found it calming to condense his body into a ball as he slept. Especially when cuddling with his new family. Part of him recognized that he simply liked to feel small and young as he did with his mom. He was still so young and small. But it was different. He was bigger. No longer five years old. He had grown so much in the years since he’d last had a family like this. Lloyd breathed deeply, finally relaxing again since he woke up. As he breathed, he was hit with the smell of sand, salt, and water. Kai definitely stole Nya’s conditioner.

Kai had his eyes shut, already trying to fall back asleep. Yet Lloyd did not do the same. Instead, he stared. He stared at Kai’s brown hair. It lay limp against the pillows and framed his face. Lloyd swore that if he looked long enough he could see his mother’s face push through. He had to keep looking. If he closed his eyes he would never remember what she looked like.

Lloyd’s concentration broke as Kai’s face scrunched. “I can feel you staring at me, y’know?” Kai stated as he peeked open one eye. Kai wondered if they needed to add manners to Lloyd's training schedule. It would be difficult to find time for it. Lloyd already trained from sun up to sun down with little time for fun.

“Sorry…” Lloyd murmured. Still, he did not stop staring. “I… I think you look like my mom.”

“Oh.”

Kai blinked his eyes open. He looked back at Lloyd, staring at his face. Did he really look like Lloyd’s mom? He saw no resemblance between his face and Lloyd’s. Though Lloyd did look like a copy of Lord Garmadon before he was corrupted. The only difference between Lloyd and his father was Lloyd’s platinum blonde hair. It was possible that his mom’s genetics had no room to shine through.

“What did she look like?” Kai finally asked.

Lloyd shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not sure… I can’t remember her face.” Kai narrowed his eyebrows at the young child. How could Kai look like someone Lloyd didn’t remember the face of? “But she had brown hair and it was long like yours. It was also soft like Nya’s… and yours too… She looked…” Lloyd thought about it for a few seconds. He could not recall how she looked. But he could recall how he felt. “She looked kind. I always felt calm or happy with her.” Kind. That was what Kai and his mother shared. They both took time to make sure Lloyd was happy. His mother let him brush her hair even when it took longer. Kai always slowed down training to make sure Lloyd understood the steps. They inconvenienced themselves for Lloyd while not making him feel like a nuisance. They both cared so much. They made Lloyd feel so loved.

Yet…

If Lloyd’s mother made him feel like this and could still abandon him, what was there to say that Kai could not do the same?

“You won’t ever leave me, right?”

“Of course not,” Kai promised immediately. “You’re my baby brother for life. Even when you’re no longer a little kid.”

“You’ll always be my baby, Lloyd.”

“That doesn’t mean a lot…” Lloyd mumbled. “My mom said the same and she still left…”

Kai opened his mouth and then shut it again. His lips tightened into a thin line. How was he supposed to respond to that? Lloyd had a point, as much as Kai hated to admit it. He knew how Lloyd felt. He felt the same when his parents abandoned him and his sister. So much anger and pain. The ever-constant worry that anyone who cared would someday leave too. Though Kai and Nya reacted differently than Lloyd did now. Lloyd sought out a new family. Anyone to take him in and prove to him that he was still loved. While Nya became hyper-independent and Kai pushed everyone but his sister away. In their minds, if people leaving was inevitable, it might as well happen sooner rather than later. The siblings had done it to everyone who got close. Any babysitters went through hell and back trying to take care of them. Yet their village still worked together to provide Kai and Nya some supervision. They couldn’t let the two live all by themselves. Yet there weren’t many options. The two refused to leave their home at the blacksmith shop. They seemingly worried that their parents would come home any second now. If they were not there, their parents would leave again. The only group who could possibly force the two out would be child protective services. But it was not a guarantee that the two siblings would be kept together. Kai and Nya would not go anywhere without the other. Forcing them apart would be cruel. So it was the village’s little secret that these two children had no official guardian, only volunteer babysitters.

Though that was it. Wasn’t it? His sister. The only person who Kai trusted growing up. “I’m not your mom,” Kai began, remembering what he’d once told Nya. He wasn’t like their parents. He wasn’t going to disappear. “I won’t abandon you, Lloyd. Siblings are different. We connect and care for each other not because we have to, but because we choose to. I know it’s hard to trust me, especially after everyone you cared about left you…” Kai’s chest ached as he looked at Lloyd. He was so young and small. He shouldn’t have to suffer like this. He was just a kid. A kid with a bright destiny. Why did destiny have to be so cruel? An absent mother and now he has to battle his dad? He was just a baby. Kai wrapped an arm around Lloyd and brought him into an embrace. He couldn’t stand looking at the child anymore. He reminded Kai too much of his younger self. He reminded Kai of all that was innocent and needed to be protected. He reminded Kai that no matter what he did, the innocent would suffer. Children would suffer. He couldn’t save them all.

“Kai?” Lloyd called softly. He was confused by the sudden embrace, though not complaining. He was more concerned by the fact he could’ve sworn he saw tears forming in Kai’s eyes.

“Sorry,” Kai apologized, his voice wet. “I just… I don’t want you to suffer. Especially not alone. When my parents abandoned me, I at least had Nya to trust-”

Lloyd pushed himself away from Kai so he could look up at the teen. “Your parents abandoned you too?”

Kai sighed and looked away from Lloyd. He still couldn’t stand to look at those big innocent eyes. Innocent eyes that were doomed to see the worst of humanity. “Yeah, I must’ve been five or six maybe? One day they were having tea with friends and then they… left. Never came back home. I think at this point…” They must be dead. There was no way that no one in all Ninjago hadn’t seen them and they could still be alive. “Never mind. But I still had Nya. When you can’t trust anyone, you trust your siblings. Before I met the other guys, she was the only one I could rely on.”

Lloyd's breath held as Kai’s voice drifted off. He knew what Kai thought, even if he refused to say it. Lloyd knew it was possible Kai’s parents were simply dead, and that’s why they never came home. Lloyd had often wondered the same thing about his mother. Maybe she did have every intent to visit him on his birthday but died on her way to Darkley’s. That was until, of course, he learned about tuition costs. Not only that but his mother always made the monthly payments on time. Sometimes Lloyd thought it’d be better if she was dead or forgotten about him. Knowing that she still paid the tuition every month made him sick. She thought of him at least once a month. He was still in her mind. It was a conscious action to keep him enrolled. She knew exactly where he was. Yet she never visited. Could her research not wait a single day? Did she have to work every day? She remembered him and thought of him frequently. Yet would not visit.

“You can rely on me,” Kai promised, “and the others too. We are all your siblings. Everyone may leave or hurt you, but we won’t. I promise.”

Lloyd hummed softly and thought about it. Maybe Kai was right. He’s sure Kai could’ve left Nya at any moment, especially when times were tough. Kai didn’t like to talk about it much. Sometimes when telling stories about his childhood, Kai would allude to their struggles. Lloyd tried to piece it together, but more often than not it was too vague. All he could truly tell was that it wasn’t easy. Lloyd wondered how he did it. He didn’t think he was brave enough to persevere through everything Kai had gone through. But he would have to go through much worse, wouldn’t he? The destiny of the green ninja was not an easy path. Although maybe Kai had the answer. “Yeah… I’ll be safe. With you,” Lloyd finally agreed.

“Remember, it’s not just me. I know I’m your official big brother, but you have Nya and the guys too,” Kai insisted.

“Are you just saying that so I bother them at night instead of you every time?” Lloyd teased.

“Nah, I don’t mind you bothering me,” Kai assured his little brother before ruffling his blonde hair. “Plus I am probably the best choice for late-night botherings.”

“I’ll say! Zane’s good when I want someone to read me a story but other than that he’s too cold. The last time I woke Jay up from a nap he wouldn’t stop complaining for hours! I’d hate to see what he’s like when he’s actually supposed to be sleeping. Cole, well… I don’t know. He’s too big to share his bed with me. I think I’d end up crushed or pushed onto the floor.”

Kai chuckled and shook his head. “You say that as if any of us have ample room for you, green bean. There’s barely any room for me on here. If you were any bigger, we wouldn’t both be able to fit in this bed.”

Lloyd frowned at that idea. Did they have any bigger beds? Not that he could think of. Maybe his father got a bigger bed when he controlled the bounty? They had still yet to explore the changes Garmadon made to their ship. The team was primarily excited to have somewhere comfortable again after the Ninjaball Run. “I don’t think I want to grow up then,” Lloyd decided. Why would he want to grow up when all it meant was losing his greatest form of comfort?