#lithoromantic

sooooo this is gonna be long be ready

on one hand: i only gain romantic attraction to smb if: ik them well, AND if theres a chance they like me back. never had a hallway crush and never had a crush on some1 who hates me. for example i was talking to my bsf (now my ex gf and like mortal enemy phew she was evil as shit) and she was hinting she liked me which caused me to have a MASSSIVEE crush on her to the point i couldnt stfu about it.

on the other hand: if someone shows that they like me back, i get scared as hell that ill be awkward or weird (inferiority and superiority complex combo to the rescue) and i play it off until the crush fades. its not out of "ew y do u like me thats so weird" but moreso an irrational fear of being seen as weird or clumsy in romantic contexts (bc of my HUGE lack of knowledge when it comes to romance)

other info: i LOVE the idea of being in a relationship but it also repulses me at the same time. i wanna be close enough with someone to say anything and do anything and feel understood and loved and know that im physically and emotionally worthy of beimg somebody's number one, but it also scares me in a way. also my experience with relationships have kinda scared me off from dating all together. ive had 2 evil ex gfs (i promise im not the common denominator i just have shit taste) and an ex bf who reciprocated not a THING to me (not sexually ew) so dating just seems sorta pointless so me now. like if my average experience with romance is the average overall, i dont want it.

So I consider myself arofulx (a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum. It describes someone whose romantic attraction fluctuates over time—moving between experiencing no romantic attraction (aromantic), partial attraction (like greyromantic or demiromantic), and sometimes fully experiencing romantic attraction (alloromantic).) but I think I lean heavily on the lithoromantic (a romantic orientation on the aromantic spectrum. It describes someone who experiences romantic attraction but does not desire those feelings to be reciprocated. For lithromantics, feelings often fade, transform, or cause discomfort the moment the crush reciprocates or a mutual relationship becomes a reality.) lable.

This does make me happy to have a lable and be myself fully, but also kinda makes me feel like a sucky person. Because I'll be really into someone and drop hints (ranging from shallow to deep) that I like them because I want them to know, and then when they reciprocate it in any way (and don't say it's platonic before or after hand) I start feeling sick and want to run in the other direction! (⁠ ⁠･ั⁠﹏⁠･ั⁠)

This makes me feel double horrible because I feel like I'm leading the person on! Which technically I am doing, but not on purpose?? I want to be in a relationship and be happy but it makes me feel sick or just over all unhappy, so I don't know what to do.

Earlier today a boy I kind of like laid his head on me and I shook him off because it made me so uncomfortable. I do really like this boy, or at least thought I did! : ( Maybe it was just that he didn't ask before he did it? Or I'm just not used to affection like that? Anything is likely to be honest. And I don't really have the best track with relationships. (most of which have only lasted a year or less, my last one ended around February) So maybe I just need to get used to having a partner again?? I dunno.

Finding comfortability with my aromantic lable is hard in a world where your told that sex and love is what makes us human. : /

Nasse (Platinum End) - demifluid + lithoromantic