I was listening to it on the way home from work and had to pull over to the side of the road to have a bloody cry.
I didn’t sleep well last night and so I’m tired which makes me more emotional it seems… but I’m also just moved by the story. It’s so hard to listen to all that Az does for Crowley to get him out of Hell and then the after? I thought the after would be better but it’s not… it’s not an easy fix. It’s still filled with such loss.
I don’t know why exactly but that loss is hitting me so hard right now. Is it because I’ve lost my own love? We did try to hold onto it but I don’t know… it makes me wonder if I should have tried harder? Why didn’t he try harder? He told me when we separated that I had to work on myself and I did but he didn’t… why did he lay down that expectation and not follow through himself?
Why didn’t I get loved enough to fight for? I first thought it was because I was not enough but now I’m learning it’s more complicated than that. I am enough. We just weren’t right for each other.
A friend from Melbourne is coming up to Sydney in a couple of weeks and we are going to hang out. I’ve met him maybe once? But we have spoken since we were in high school online and whatnot. I offered to pick him up from the airport and he turned me down with a lovely comment about not wanting to put me through that especially since he’s got a hotel in the city. Haha I’m used to being with a person like my ex who would expect me to be inconvenienced for his benefit… and to not be appreciated for it. It was refreshing to hear him say no! I’ll sort myself out. :)
But I want to scream. I want to fall apart. I want to cry. Because I loved Tom so much. But it is done. It’s over. He doesn’t love me and I’m the very patient ex who does so much still to keep the peace. Gah! I am going to be okay… I’m just working out boundaries and self worth and recognising my own value.
I’m off to get a nice dinner and a bottle of wine and then work on stuff for work. Haha I have school holidays next week for 2 weeks. I’ll have some time to sort my shit out. I hope!