#lipedema

Fuck my baka life

I feel heavy. Like cinderblocks tied to my feet and having to walk upstream

heavy.

And loud. My footsteps echo in a dark living room and I am not a ghost but a ghoul bemoaning the quiet I will never have.

And weak. My arms shake with the weight of an infant but I will not let go because I am worse when it falls and I am too weak to pick it back up.

And tired. Tired of change, of expectation, of adaptation.

For once let me do something right! Let me have this one thing! I’m ready. I’m working.

Don’t You ignore me!

At night I lie in bed and think of all the things I could do if I didn’t feel so

I'm 99% convinced I do, in fact, have lipedema of the arms, and possibly upper thighs. The rice grain texture in the fat on my arms. The cuffing at the elbow of the fat. The fact that I have lost 25lbs off my torso and legs, and my arms remain the same size and doughy-ness. The fact that they're always cold. How my parents told me my arms were like tubes when I was a teenager, because yeah, despite being in the best fucking shape of my life (lifeguarding and running), my arms had ZERO definition.

The inability to have shapely/defined calves, no matter how much work I do. The fact that again, after losing 25lb, my jeans fit exactly the same around my upper thighs. The fact that I lost weight and the pebble texture above my knees got WORSE. The random bruising on my legs.

It's like I can check every single box.

And that's terrifying, bc there's not actually a *cure* for lipedema. You just... manage it and hope it doesn't get worse and you lose mobility and are in constant pain. Or you get plastic surgery, which seems to press the pause button on the return. If you've got tens of thousands of dollars laying around, that is.

I'm not sure what to do with this information.

I would need a proper diagnosis. My GP is not the type would would do that. I've talked to him about my frustration with weight loss before, and he told me "did you know many other women would kill to have your body?", and then heaved a big sigh and asked if I wanted ozempic. Which, no. I don't. And also I would kill if I have to stay in this body, so there's that, too.

Ugh.