#lindsays

I haven’t watched it, but I’ve heard good things.

And gosh, this (Potter) thing is such a complicated thing for me right now. If it seems like I’m waffling, I am. But I believe in transparency and sharing where I’m at, so let’s dive in.

I want my blog to be a safe place for trans and nb people. For anyone who wants to come here. I love people, first and foremost, and don’t want to cause harm to anyone. I also believe that if you don’t like something in fandom, block it, blacklist it, scroll and move on because that is, frankly, how fandom has always worked. That is, to me, the adult response. I started doing that and my fandom experience was so much better. I see ships and fics that make me cringe, fandoms I personally find to be probematic, and I move on. Thinking about media critically and engaging with it critically way has always been my MO. Death of the author has always been my MO.

So last week, when I denounced HP, felt very puritanical and was a departure from my core beliefs. I’m still emotional, which is OK. I feel like I was pigeonholed into an ultimatum I wasn’t ready for, and that I’m not okay with. And that’s my own perspective and interpretation. Some of those behind-the-scenes emotions and conversations were and will remain private. They aren’t mine to share. 

But there’s a larger conversation about Potter to be had, yes?

Because there is this: JK Rowling is a piece of shit. Her words cause active harm to entire communities. They are causing real harm to people. And to deny that is foolish. I completely empathize with anyone who feels harmed by her. I don’t begrudge anyone who is OUT of this fandom and doesn’t want to look back. I myself have been experiencing cognitive dissonance with all of this.

 Also? I love this world she created and I”m not ready to stop playing in what has, for years, become a sandbox of our own making. There are so many people in this fandom who are just, forces to be reckoned with in the best way. Caring. Empathetic. Humorous. Kind. Some of the best friendships of my life. And some of the sweetest moments of my day are seeing your contributions to this shared playbox.

And this decision, how you do or don’t engage with HP, is a very personal one. I don’t judge anyone who chooses to give it up (I understand!) or to still engage (I also understand!). And to me, it does NOT make you a bad person either way. It just doesn’t. 

So I’m not done writing. And this isn’t primarily a Potter blog anymore, and I’m happy with the username, theme, and description changes I made last week. They were long overdue. But if I see a piece of art or a fic that someone who loves this world as much as I do, who wants to make it inclusive and everything that JK didn’t, then I will proudly share it. 

Because I see the love and joy that goes into creating, and I want to celebrate. And because that’s the HP I want to carry forward into my life -- content that is meaningful and inclusve and clever and good.  But I will happily tag all content with both HP and Potter (and however else you need me to) so you have every opportunity to block it for those who aren’t interested.

And that goes for anything else, if I’m ever tagging something incorrectly that you’dl ike fixed so you can block it, just let me know.

2) Because Sirius was an exceptional godfather in GoF, showing that he's got a functioning parental streak - that's what he's like on a day to day basis. Sirius in OotP is not the "Bad" side to his character, it's him struggling with depression. And yeah, his ability to be there for Harry in ootp was hindered by his own intense trauma, but apart from the ONE TIME he lashes out, he is always always there for Harry in OotP. Fans like to focus on that one bad line of his and ignore all the other

3) times that he has been there for Harry - which is 99.9% of the times (All the other adult characters have screwed up as well - usually far more than he has, tbh - and yet I rarely see fans harping on their screw ups - they're usually understood and forgiven). And it makes his death even more agonizing, because we see him at his lowest, and he's never given the chance to heal the way he deserved

Yes. It was his natural reaction to the stresses of war, being cooped up and unable to help (clever men don’t do well with being caged), and being trapped in his childhood home, a place of so much unhappiness. A toxic combination! It’s not just that he lashed out with the “you’re less like your father than I thought” line, it’s that his recklessness is borderline dangerous. He leaves #12 to take Harry to the train station, he lashes out at Snape more than once, his entire plan was to sneak out again and that’s what led to that line. When Harry asks him for advice in the ktichen pantry, he’s distracted at best and sort of gingerly brushes off Harry’s concerns. Sirius of a year ago would have written a six page disseration in response to Harry’s concerns. Sirius pushed back when Harry told him to be careful. Sirius was a mess in OotP, but he was depressed and restless, again, a bad combination.

I think we see Sirius best not on GoF, but at the end of POA when Sirius and Harry first meet. Within that meeting Sirius’s first instinct (after KILL THE RAT) is to shield Harry from the man who was complicit in his parents’ demise (how DARE you speak about James to Harry!). He had been a one man revenge band for almost a year and, upon Harry’s request to hear the story, Sirius calms down and relives the worst 24-48 hours of his life. And when, after Harry said (please don’t kill this dude, I know he’s scum but i don’t reckon my dad would want you t be a murderer) both Sirius and ready-to-kill-a-bitch Lupin actually listened and adjusted course. Do you remember being a kid? Do you ever remember when an enraged, determined adult actually paused, listened to you,  and changed their course of action? Yes, Harry invoked his Dead dad, but Sirius and remus LISTENED to Harry. And THEN, as if that wasn’t enough, Sirius was all i-know-it’s-dumb-but-wanna-live-with-me???? He didn’t even make it out of the tunnel before asking or advising he was in if Harry was in.

We see in that scene how quickly Sirius transitions from his own feelings of revenge to caring about Harry, protecting Harry, listening to Harry, supporting Harry, and wanting to be in Harry’s life. He risked life and limb to go to Privet Drive just for a glimpse of Harry. He sent Harry the Firebolt. And he bought Ron a new owl and sent Harry the letter for Hogsmeade visits.

Sirius is Good People who was always doing the best with what he had. 

I have been talking to my friend about wanting another baby. I don’t want another baby and I don’t want to have more kids, but the idea of a do-over as the person I am now is appealing. I was in so much trauma--an abusive husband--that I was a shell of the person I am today. And after I left that abusive situation, I had to deal with symptoms of PTSD and depression. I went through a long depressive state in which I did the bare minimum. It was ROUGH. My kids’ needs were met but none of us were thriving, you know? I’m a much better mom now, because I went to therapy and I have learned to ask for help and I have found hobbies and my life isn’t in constant jeopardy and I feel like I’m making a difference in the world. I am a well rounded person and that makes me a better mother. 

first year i was the janitor (i kno) and kitchen help and the lifeguard was my best friend. we had SO MUCH FUN and got into SO MUCH TROUBLE (see: prank war, mattress shenanigans)

the staff cabin (i.e. broken down trailer) was infested with wasps. we hung out there anyway!

first summer my ex-husband, then friend accidently started a fire in said trailer.

also another counselor opened one of the kitchen cabinets, closed it, looked at me and said ‘there’s a snake in that cabinet’ and i’ve never forgiven him for not saying it was in his boot

one night another counselor and i dragged our girls out to the caboose (a literal caboose in the middle of the field). we all got settled, one girl saw a mouse. it was like 11:30, but we packed right back up. my cabin was closer (by like a 1/4 mile) and the girls were tired, so we all slept in my cabin, doubled up on twin bunk beds

there was a mural of heaven and hell and if someone asked where the boys’ bathroom was you could tell them to go to hell and take a left

we had thursday night movie nights and i don’t have words for the awful billy graham, cheesy-esque movie we watched each thursday night. my camp friends and i still quote them as terrible jokes.

god we had this awfwul doll head that my camp director kept on as a hood ornament on his gator and i kept stealing it and it became a Thing. he stapled it to the wall by my bed and and i cut it off the wall and he was so mad @ me.

the canoe rack was broken so instead of going to the amazing marsh, we went canoeing on this little old 30 foot stirp mine pond where a neighbor girl had drown there in the off-season years before. the camp director’s wife painted the outhouse with clouds. it was the Foulest Place on Earth

i once wanted to swap a better, barely used  mattress with my own terrible one so & a friend and i dressed in full camo and snuck out in the middle of the night to swap them. we were literally caught red handed, i.e. with the mattress hanging over our heads. so we put it down in the middle of the road and hid behind it. the thing is, we didn’t have to be this dramatic. no one cared if we swapped mattresses!

 at one point the ceiling above the girls’ staff bathroom got infested with a hornets nest and we had to use the camper’s bathroom. i cannot impart to you how disgusting this was. once a fellow coworker and i decided...how bad can it be??? we both ended up running into the cafeteria (that was thankfully empty!!) in our towels

we created a massive mud pit for honor camp one year and it was Glorious

we had to spin a wheel of misfortune to get our mail (back when mail was sent!) and i’ve had to take everything from a pie in the face to making up a song on the spot to worse for my mail. one of the counselor’s friends was ABSOLUTELY terrible and sent daily packages of like, literal toenail clippings. crusty socks. moldy bread. it was amazing.

once my friend and i started a prank war which escalated to the camp director putting a sprinkler into the girls’ teen dorms, a teenage boy falling through the ceiling of said girls’ dorms, and my friend and i accidentally ingesting literal sh*t

he-man, woman hater’s club!

we had an unmowed prairie field w/ trees called “the maze” and every week we’d have counselor hunt in which the counselors just, dressed in full camo and hid from the kids. it was like hours of free time and it was Great. i became very good at climbing pine trees.

i used puppets unironically and i didn’t even hate it

i once had to send my entire cabin home except for ONE girl and i told two of them that “it was a pleasure to have them” AS I SENT THEM HOME and my boss admonished me but like, i can’t stand to see anyone upset

um i once had to be rushed to the ER bc i had an asthma attack during a tornado warning. it was Fun. Times.