#linda's field notes

Long time no see! I haven’t logged into Tumblr in quite a while (I got an email that my account was logged into... that’s how long it’s been, Tumblr thinks this was suspicious activity) and I even deleted the app from my phone a while back. 

The past year has certainly been very eventful. I’ve lost touch with a few friends. Though I would still call them my friends and would love to catch up with them at any time, we no longer have the same effortless and frequent conversations. But that’s okay. Circumstances change and people grow apart; I’m sure we will find each other again eventually. 

At the same time, I’ve made some new friendships in the last few months that I perhaps didn’t exactly expect to make. But that’s just the beauty of friendship isn’t it. It grows in some of the most unexpected of times and places. 

In the beginning of last year, I started using dating apps. I never really met anyone, except for one guy because we had mutual friends and I happened to be in the city. I was mostly using them out of curiosity and perhaps to seek some validation. Oops. 

I went on two dates in the last month. The first guy was tall, nice, nerdy, and kind of cheesy, but I didn’t find him all that interesting. Going on that date made me realize that I didn’t want to invest a lot of time in getting to know a stranger; especially when I already have friends that I know and enjoy spending my time with. I am very happy and content with being single, and I don’t have the time or energy to spend solely on finding a partner. I don’t need a partner. 

The second guy was shorter, nice, and less cheesy than the first. He actually lives down the hall in the same apartment as me and we have a lot of mutual friends. I thought the date was just fine, but because we haven’t spoken since we met, I have been second-guessing and replaying our conversation in my head. I’m not sure if it’s because I acted uninterested or because he was in fact uninterested. It’s a bit of a shame because I think he would have made an interesting friend, but we are now once again strangers too.

Dating apps have always seemed weird to me. You match with someone because you both find each other physically attractive. Then you decide that you want to get to know more about this person’s personality because you think they’re hot. I never liked the idea of approaching someone and attempting to get closer to them for the sole purpose of dating them. I also never fully wrapped my head around why so many people yearn to be in relationships; how does one single person with a specific title make your life any more or less fulfilling? How are friendships not able to fulfill the same role as a significant other? But that’s a topic of discussion for another time. 

[from my drafts: written August 4, 2019 at 12:48am]

I’ve never had a solid metric for what is considered to be a normal amount of “texting.” It’s one of those things that, obviously, differs for every individual, but could also make or break a friendship.

Growing up, I never really had access to texting. My first ever phone was a Nokia brick, and it lasted me from elementary school through to middle school. I only ever used it to call my parents or to play this one parachute game. I got my first (really crappy) smartphone in freshman year of high school, and didn’t get my first (and current) iPhone until the end of senior year. My old Android didn’t have a texting plan, so naturally, I didn’t really text anyone.

It didn’t occur to me until much later in high school that no one ever asked for my number anyways. To be very honest, I didn’t have many (if any?) close friends in high school. But it wasn’t really a big deal either. Most people used our school emails to use Google Hangouts with each other. It was easier than having to confront someone for their number, and convenient because everyone had it. 

In college now, I still haven’t really gotten used to asking people for their numbers. Lots of people use Facebook Messenger -- similar to Google Hangouts, you don’t have to ask for their numbers, you just have to find them on Facebook. 

Throughout my first summer break of college, I haven’t done a very good job of staying in touch with my friends. I’ve never really been the type to just pick up my phone and start a conversation with someone via text, and I don’t send things out of the blue to spark conversation either. I almost exclusively text people if it’s about our next in-person meeting. 

--

[picking up where I left off today]

A lot of random little things have been on my mind lately. Some important, many not so important.

Just a few days ago, one of my close friends in college told me that one of his friends knew me. I’m not sure how my name came up in their conversation, but I think I got a bit too flustered to ask (in hindsight, I suppose it would also come off as a bit nosy or desperate to press too much into the matter). 

I had met this friend’s friend at a gathering right in the beginning of the school year. It was the first and only time I had talked to him. I didn’t see him at all for a very long time afterwards. We ended up being on the same bus from another city back to our university a few weeks ago, but it had been so long that I wasn’t sure if I should say hi -- or that he even remembered me.

My friend told me that his friend didn’t think I remembered him. 

But I did! I do. And it somehow really warms my heart to learn that I was memorable enough for someone to remember me even after meeting me nearly an entire year ago.

I guess it is a bit sad that some sort of social anxiety prevented me from ever saying hi or even just giving a quick wave when I saw him on campus, and that this inaction eventually grew into a small misunderstanding. 

It’s obviously not a big deal. But it makes me wonder how many potential connections I may have lost this way, and how I might underestimate my importance or impact on other people.