It’s difficult to breath at the moment
Wednesday to Thursady evening, last week, was a bit scary: I woke up with my right arm very cold and tingly. I just thought I slept on it but I also had pain on my chest. I couldn't find my reliever pump. i tried to rest and to fall back asleep but in vain. I started to feel anxious and agitated so I call 111. I was told that it was nothing serious and to take some painkillers for the pain. I did.
In the morning I slept until 12, then until 3pm. My chest felt tight and breathing was diffcult. I called my best friend who encouraged me to call back 111 but I ended up booking an emergency appointment at the doctor. Again, was told it was nothing serious. I needed to rest.
I went back home and rested. I took more painkillers, I had another pump. I settled down in bed and watched Netflix.
I was feeling emotionally and physically exhausted. I know some anxiety is hiding somewhere. I have felt quite emotional since my trip to Paris. I also have had worries about my Muscular Dystrophy. Maybe dating, even though it is going well, is a bit scary too.
Now though, I wonder if it is another symptom of my Muscular Dystrophy. People who suffer from the same type of dystrophy as the one I suffer from, can experience mild to severe breathing difficulties - sometimes needing breathing aids. I received a letter confirming that I will have an appointment in Neurology on the 14th of November. There is a bit of a wait but I expected that. With the current state of the NHS, I was lucky to get an appointment at all. I am chanting to received the best medical support, I am sure that helped.
It was a bit challenging with my Daughter over the week end. She had extra energy and was extra cheeky. I had little energy. I wanted to rest some more, to have more alone and to switch off. I don't know why. I am not even torturing myself trying to find out why. I do my best to look after myself. I managed well with the little lady but I felt a bit s**t not to have enough energy to join in the cheekiness. It was hard to be patient. I am feeling guilty for not being the best mum I can be... Which is me being hard on myself really. "Stop being hard on yourself." I repeat to myself. I am going through a delicate patch, I don't know why, but it doesn't make me less of a Mother. I felt like I needed more rest, alone in the comfort of my bed. I wanted to switch off. I definitively did that on Sunday evening.
As I mentioned above,I am dating. I am starting to look forward to our daily conversation. We are going for a walk this week and we will, at some point, celebrate her Gohonzon receiving (Gohonzon=Buddhist scripture we chant in front of. It represents our lives.) I really like talking to her, We are slowly opening up to each other. It is nice.
I know I am struggling to accept that I am starting to like her. It is early days so I still need to take it easy but, it is ok to like someone, right?
Feel free to share your thoughts.
