#lifetests

I wasn’t creeped out so I went back to sleep, convincing myself that it was nothing. I woke up again at 4 pm and caught my sister passing by my bed and going to the comfort room inside our room. I told her what happened. I asked her if she was around the room during those times yet she was also asleep downstairs. Our room was actually on the second floor. So there...confiiiiiirmed!

It wasn’t my sister. That was the only the time that I became frightened. I keep on saying that I’m brave but oh well bravery is not the absence of fear. I am actually writing this blog post right here, right now in our room. I am so alone. I’m creeped out a little yet here I am so this is bravery.

The thing here is not about me sensationalizing about my sixth sense and getting late reactions from the Halloween season. The thing here is about mysteries that surround the physical world. I’ve always believed that our world ain’t merely physical. It is very spiritual and it has a lot of mysteries since time began. I’m always fascinated with the supernatural more than the natural. I am not saying that I am an extraordinary woman but I knew a long time ago that I was different. I perceive the imperceptible. I believe in the unbelievable. I see the unseen. I care more about the intangible more than the tangible. When most women care about clothes and make-up, I care about the components of those things. I wear less or no make-up at all because cosmetics have an addictive substance which is almost the same with drugs. That is why women who regularly use make-up are very dependent on it because their system already craved for it. They are already addicted to it. It also alters one’s psychological and psychosocial propensities. Confidence is heightened with the make-up on. When wiped out, confidence is less. That is probably the reason why some women cannot go outside barefaced.

When other girls mind about pop culture, I mind about the foundations of pop culture and the many secrets of it hidden by the media. When other people are into romance, fashion and lifestyle; I’m into history, conspiracy theories and mysteries. People want to be smart but I want to be sage. Most people are realistic but I’m idealistic. I want pleasure but I abstain. I want sex but I don’t do it even when I had chances. Copulation unites souls. I don’t want to have multiple sex partners because I don’t want my soul to be in a web of other souls. I want to be united with only one soul. That is why I am saving my body for my future husband. This is not only a personal choice but is also in line with my Christian faith.

I’m a non-conformist. I don’t blend in with the crowd. I always dig deeper behind things, events and situations. Everything has a meaning. Every little thing has a purpose and the very thing we do now echoes in eternity. I believe in the supernatural and I believe that I have a spiritual gift. I don’t want to talk much about my sixth sense because I am not an expert on it. It is not even to be talked about in Christian circles for we are taught not to have any fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness. I am neither denouncing my Christian faith nor refuting Christian scholars but I believe some Christians are not open-minded.

I acknowledge my sixth sense but I do not use it in dark arts and I don’t talk with unfamiliar spirits. What I mean by my gift is that I understand mysteries. I can also decipher them. I cannot prophesy but I somehow can predict things. I also have a very strong intuition. I used to deny it because it ain’t possible yet it is. I can read people. I can feel what they feel. I’m very intuitive. Just that, some people aren’t convinced by my gift because they think I’m too gullible. If I can read people, then why do I easily trust people? If I easily trust people, I give them an access to my weakness. This is conventional wisdom yet this is not a fact. I’ve got a much profound reason why I do trust people who can’t be trusted. I know I am on the right track.

Talking again about my intuitions, I am a highly intuitive person. It is very awkward to present my premonitions and predictions in the past but I’d state them anyway. Years ago, Charice Pempengco haven’t had much breaks in the Philippines. She didn’t even won the singing contest she had joined in but I predicted that she’d be an international singing sensation. I even intuited that Angel Locsin would transfer to the media company she is signed to now when she was actually a big-time star on a different station. Hours before that tsunami hit Japan last March 11, 2011, I even intuited that something big was coming in the form of a water. As I’ve said I’m not a prophetess so I cannot make exact predictions. I’ve only prophesied in parts. I can also intuit imminent death of people. That is why I really get eerie feeling everytime I look at a person who is close to the doors of death. I can also intuit dangers and triumphs. Years ago, I texted my first love at 3 AM telling him to go back to our school publication to save it from its hibernation. I don’t know what happened to me at that time but a force is driving me to text him. He didn’t want to be in the publication again yet he joined in again and became the first two-time Editor-in-Chief in history. He saved our dying publication and even won awards for campus journalism. I’m highy intuitive. My gut-feelings are very strong. I don’t even have explanations behind them because those are clearly illogical and irrational. And based on a very personal experience, there was a guy who admired me for eleven years. He kept that feeling for eleven years and I also kept what I knew for eleven years. I knew all along what he felt even if he was so good at hiding his emotions. After those eleven years, he confessed to me. I surely knew it would happen. I just acted that I was so surprised to give him the thrill but I wasn’t really surprised. I am very intuitive…highly intuitive. I know that it is so awkward to present all these things but these are true. I just don’t share much to people because I don’t want to be called crazy and an attention-seeker. I had kept these things to myself at first because I wasn’t really sure about my spiritual gift but now I am. But the greatest thing I had figured out to date was when I was able to decipher a year ago the Mystery Babylon in Revelations 18. The Great Babylon mentioned in the Bible is unknown to many until now but I deciphered it. It is New York. I truly believed that Babylon is New York. I prayed hard before I read that chapter in the book of Revelations. I meditated on it carefully and I analyzed each verses with great accuracy. I even had collected evidences which geography and science can explain. Now this is the part where we can say that Science and Religion don't always have to contradict, they actually coexist. Some Christians believed in me, others don't. They don't even want it to be a subject of debate but I think it has to be given paramount importance. This could serve as a warning to us for the End Times. We all give a damn about the setting and climax on fictional stories, why not give due attention to this place that is real? We care about the epic battle between good and evil in movies yet why not care about the real epic battle between God and Satan? As I've said, some Christians are not open-minded.  

Meanwhile, I do not only understand mysteries and predict events but I also had once witnessed a miracle. The first miracle in my life was the broken glass that was restored. It happened two years ago in one of the saddest and darkest moments of my life. I was a failure and I was rejected by loved ones. The heartaches and rejections I have now cannot be compared to the intense pain I had before. I knew I had a big mistake but I don’t deserve to be called inutile and to be rejected by people whom I thought who could truly understand me. Who said that I was fine with being inutile? I felt like a trash. I felt useless and worthless in almost three years now. I know that it was my fault all along but I think I don’t deserve to be judged. I didn’t plan my life the way it is now and what it was two years ago. I was harshly judged. I was rejected. I was made to feel despicable and detestable.

Two years ago, I woke up at 4 in the morning with tears trickling down my face. I looked up at the sky. I thought about all the hurtful words I heard from the people who matter to me. It was the first time that I felt worthless. What on earth was I here for? It was the first time that I was rejected by people whom I love. It was the first time that I felt the searing pain. The tears kept falling down my visage. I cannot forget those tears. I cannot speak or put into writing how I felt at that time. My tears were my mouthpiece. I kept looking up at the sky from the windows where I was laying on a couch. It was dark. It was murky. Yes, it was 4 in the morning. The break of day wasn't coming yet. It was one of the sulkiest moments of my life but I knew I could get through it. It was the night before that, that I was miserable. I hated God. It was the first time that I hated God. I cursed at Him. I was angry at Him. I spoke profane things at Him. I had destroyed two Bibles to show Him how I loathed Him for creating me and for just making me useless. I told Him that I was so furious at Him. I told God that I don’t want to die yet because death is an easy thing. It is an easy escape but I don’t like the easy way. I want to live because I want to destroy my life. I want to be wretched and yes, my life was and is a wreck. I am dying in a silent way. I am alive but I am dead.

SILENT WATERS RUN DEEP. I am this kind of person. I was that good girl that everyone knows but deep inside, I was full of hatred and revenge. At a tender age of seven, I’ve known how it was to hold grudges. I don’t forget things. I don't forget words blurted out by people. I don’t forget the good and bad things done by people to me. I’d wished to repay those people who were good and I would sought revenge for everyone who has caused me pain. I was loved since I was a child till I was a teenager because I was the good girl. But during those “good girl years,” I had so much hate and fear in the world…I don’t know why.

I was loved by almost everyone when I was a child so when there are bad things that are done unto me, I’d never forget those…for how could one be so bad at someone so good like me? I thought that I was good because people told me that I was good. But I wasn’t good enough.

For almost three years now…this very long time revealed to me how bad, weak, helpless, useless, worthless, despicable, inutile, trashy and ugly I am. I kept on saying that beauty is found within but within me is not even a beauty. I am not a good person as people used to think I am. I was the good girl gone bad. Pretending is the hardest game I’ve ever played. I no longer want to play. I no longer want to please people at all times. I used to want perfection because I was afraid that if I make a mistake, I will no longer be loved. I was a people-pleaser. I was so sensitive. I took personally every little thing said about me. I cannot handle criticisms well. I was thin-skinned. I easily sulk. I don’t have enemies in the past. All I have were friends. I don’t want to disagree with people because I wanted to please them. Yet now I have learned to stand my ground and I no longer want to please everyone. I’d rather be despised for what I am than to be appreciated for what I am not. Poker face was gone. I am transparent now. I no longer feign emotions. I stand by for the words I’ve said. I’m responsible for my words even if I self-destruct. I stand my ground even when half of the world is against me. I no longer fear the disapproval of people.

Life is too ironical, so ironical that I find it hard to understand sometimes. Two years ago, God said something to me. I was so furious at Him so I broke a glass. It can't believe what happened next but the shattered pieces of glass returned to its original state. It was restored. IT WAS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!

My jaw even dropped literally. It was so hard to believe. I actually don’t believe in miracles before. Well, I do believe but I only think that it only happens to good people or to saints. It only happened in the old times, when Jesus was still on earth. I never really believed that miracles could still happen in the 21st century. I never ever could forget that. The broken glass was restored and it was even more beautiful than what it was before. Was God telling me something? Was I that broken glass? Could He restore my life? Could He vindicate me? Could He make me beautiful inside and out? What does He want to do with a person who’s broken like me?

My life is a wreck. It is true. I’m not making a drama here ‘cause I even heard it from people. Oh thanks to them, I could turn my desperation into inspiration. My life in almost three years now is a shadow of failures, rejections, hurts and pain. I also had a not so good reputation. The '‘good and obedient girl’' became the ‘'bad and rebellious bitch.''

There is a little comfort in being bad because I no longer need the approval of others. When I was the good girl, I dealt with too many expectations from people. Yes, I was good. I was. Past tense. But after the series of disappointments, failures, negligences, rebellions and strifes I’ve given to people around me, they somehow got used to it. I no longer have to work hard to get their approval. I was so tired of being good for I still get injustices and unfair treatments. Whereas, being bad gives me freedom yet a false and temporary freedom. At the end of the day, I wanted to be the good girl that I used to be. I miss her. I miss that painfully shy girl. I miss that purely honest and sincere girl. I miss my responsible self but I don’t miss that cry-baby.

I am in my weakest state now yet I know that God is making me strong. I’ve been strong because I had endured criticisms, rejections, heartaches and other forms of pain. I never thought I could but I did. I used to hate God but I cannot hate Him when He was the only One who never judged me. He was the only One who never turned His back on me. He never rejected me. He neither left me nor forsook me. I never hated the people who judged and turned their backs on me. I even want to thank them. I became stronger. I used to depend on people so much. They were my mirror on the wall. I used their words to tell my worth. I let people’s perceptions of me define me. Yet I learned that I don’t have to.

It was when I was weak that I was made strong. God permit tests and trials in my life. He made me strong because I no longer have to depend on my own strength. All I have to do is to fully trust Him. I used to depend on my own somehow. I was that girl with so many inferiority complexes yet deep down is a fierce and driven woman. I knew that I can do things on my own. I knew that I was strong behind the frail exterior. Silent waters run deep. Nasa loob ang aking kulo. But when I was stripped from all strength and bared of all weaknesses, I’ve known that I really am nothing. I cannot do things apart from God. I used to memorize that scripture mindlessly and carelessly but it is only now that I take it to my heart. I am nothing without God.

I have also realized that everyone can hurt us, even good people and even our loved ones. I was loved by almost everyone all my life but when I was hurt by almost everyone, I learned to put my trust on God, not on people. People will disappoint people. We cannot fully rely on people for they themselves have their own struggles. God also taught me the importance of humility. I know that I am still proud but He is slowly and surely breaking me down.

The past three years is very difficult for me but I am happy somehow. My family may have rejected me before but they had given me many chances now to square myself. Family is indeed important. The whole world may turn their backs on us but our family won’t. I am also happy with my friends who had stayed true to me no matter what. For those who were there for me only in the fair weather, thanks to them still.

I am also overjoyed by the friendships that came and went away. Nothing indeed lasts forever. For my enemies, I am keeping my silence now. I want my silence to be my loudest shout. I want them to understand that I shut my mouth to pay them respect. I was hurt. I also hurt people but I respect those whom I have hurt and whom have hurt me. I want to respect and to be respected. I no longer hold grudges. I freed myself from it already. I no longer want to seek vengeance. I sincerely wished my enemies to do well with their lives.

To the men I loved, they taught me to how to truly love. They brought me joy and pain. They taught me how to be strong. They inspired me to be the woman I wanted to be.

I want a man but I don’t need a man to complete me. I still haven’t changed. I am staying true to one of my greatest principles in life. I am not afraid to be alone. I am alone but I am not lonely. God is with me. He is the only One who can complete me. He is the One who can give me true love. He is Love. He will never leave me nor forsake me. God hasn’t left me. It was me who left Him.