#lifemood

The windmills of your mind...

Looking at the calendar, it has been a month that we are in lockdown in the UK. I have started to show signs of restless and impatient to my partner.  I have developed anger over time to spend such beautiful and sunny days inside, sitting at my desk, looking at two screens (laptop and monitor) and instructing myself to work and plan more and more!

I plan to finish a deep learning specialization, up to 10 hour per week, doing difficult assignments in short-time.

I plan to translate 15 to 20 pages of the novel to Farsi. I have signed a contract. 

I need to read long novels and articles weekly for my short story class. 

I promise myself to write an hour in Farsi and an hour in English every day. 

and on top of all of these tasks,  there is housekeeping. We don't have a child, there is only two of us, but my open kitchen always is full of dirty dishes, dusts and bread crumbs, coffee splats. I cook every night when we finish for the day and sit in front of TV to watch a movie or a few episodes of a new TV series. Even at that time of the night, my mind is planning and ordering the necessities online etc. 

The fact is, I have always been like that. Before the quarantine, when a big basket of free time has given to all of us, I would have planned my days and nights hour by hour. I would have always been hard on myself to set the goal, plan and achieve them. Thankfully, this crazy circle would break because of work commitment, couple plans with my partner, going for dinner, cinema, walk, visiting friends and families...

But the more we stay in lockdown, the more my circle gets tighten. I blame myself not to use the time wisely, not to stick to the plans, not to move forward in my life.

It is Saturday afternoon in late April, a wonderful sunny day and I can see how the big ugly empty self-destructive feeling approaching me slowly...there should be a way out of this prison! 

Somehow, this song and lyric comforts me: 

The Windmills of Your Mind (Theme from The Thomas Crown Affair)

Noel Harrison

Round like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel Like a snowball down a mountain, or a carnival balloon Like a carousel that's turning running rings around the moon Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Like a tunnel that you follow to a tunnel of its own Down a hollow to a cavern where the sun has never shone Like a door that keeps revolving in a half forgotten dream Or the ripples from a pebble someone tosses in a stream Like a clock whose hands are sweeping past the minutes of its face And the world is like an apple whirling silently in space Like the circles that you find in the windmills of your mind!

Keys that jingle in your pocket, words that jangle in your head Why did summer go so quickly, was it something that you said? Lovers walking along a shore and leave their footprints in the sand Is the sound of distant drumming just the fingers of your hand? Pictures hanging in a hallway and the fragment of a song Half remembered names and faces, but to whom do they belong? When you knew that it was over you were suddenly aware That the autumn leaves were turning to the color of her hair! Like a circle in a spiral, like a wheel within a wheel Never ending or beginning on an ever spinning reel As the images unwind, like the circles that you find In the windmills of your mind!