Imagine you and your partner have been living together in the same apartment for a reasonably long period of time. 

On the whole, your partner seems great. They’re smart, supportive, and totally on board with an even division of chores. But over time, you notice something odd - no matter how long you and your partner live in the same apartment with the same responsibilities, they just never seem to get the hang of any of the chores. Your partner can grasp complicated technical concepts for their job or hobby, but several months into living together, they still claim they don’t know how to properly operate the washing machine or dishwasher. They don’t know where you keep the toilet cleaner or what time they’re supposed to feed the dog. They have no idea what day the garbage gets picked up or how they’re supposed to sort the recycling. 

When you do manage to wrangle them into doing chores, everything they manage to do is done poorly or with little effort. They put dishes back in the wrong spots when they unload the dishwasher and crumple up the laundry instead of folding it. They bring the wrong things back from the grocery store, even when you send them with a list, and do such a sloppy job of mopping that you can barely tell the floors have been mopped at all. They require so much assistance to do basic chores and do such a poor job that, eventually, you just stop asking them to do chores at all - since you end up re-doing all of their work, it’s easier for you to just do it right the first time. 

But despite how it may appear, you don’t actually have an incompetent partner.  You have a partner who has learned to weaponize incompetence. 

“Weaponized incompetence” - also called “strategic incompetence” or “performative incompetence” - is a manipulation tactic, where a person will purposefully feign incompetence to get out of doing tasks that they find unpleasant. The idea is to intentionally do tasks so badly and require so much help that you grind other people down; you convince other people that you simply aren’t capable of pulling your weight, or you make yourself so difficult to deal with that it’s simply less effort for others to just do your chores for you. It doesn’t matter if you work as a literal rocket scientist - you just keep insisting that you can’t figure out what to feed your children or when the electrical bill is due until other people feel they have no choice but to take over for you. 

If you’re living with someone or dealing with someone who has mastered the use of weaponized incompetence, here are some quick things you should know:

This behaviour is an act. Let’s get one thing clear: your partner (or whoever else you are sharing chores with) knows how to wash dishes. They know how to vacuum the floors. They are capable of remembering that Thursday is garbage day. These are not complicated tasks. Even if a person is genuinely new to household chores, we live in a golden age of information; all of us have instant access to a wealth of blogs, articles and video tutorials that will teach us any household skill we need to know. If a person is genuinely making an effort, it does not take years to learn how to separate laundry or figure out which cupboard the plates are kept in. It’s true that most people will be better at certain chores, or prefer certain chores. But a partner (or anyone else) who claims to be hopelessly bad at everything they dislike is putting on a show.

This is a learned behaviour. Why would a grown adult pretend to be so incompetent that they can’t figure out how to make a simple dinner? Because it works. It gets them the outcome they desire, which is other people taking over their responsibilities for them. Having other people think you’re clueless is a small price to pay if it means you get to do whatever you want while others scramble to cover your responsibilities. 

Weaponized incompetence is different than ADHD. There is a big difference between someone who wants to pull their weight but gets distracted halfway through a chore, and someone who does a bad job on purpose so no one will ever ask them to do chores again. A person with ADHD may need more reminders and take more time to do chores (or any other tasks), but they produce high-quality work. People with ADHD also tend to be aware of their issues with task management, and work on strategies to overcome it. People weaponizing incompetence will simply insist that they are hopeless and see no point in trying. It is possible for a person with ADHD to use weaponized incompetence intentionally, but this is different than their own inherent struggles with executive functioning. 

There is a gendered component to weaponized incompetence. Anyone, of any gender, is capable of faking incompetence to wriggle out of chores, but there are some gendered differences in who actually does it - this is a tactic most often observed in men. In a world where women still do the majority of housework and childcare, even in households where both partners work full-time, this is one tactic that women are increasingly observing in male partners who want to get out of domestic work while still touting egalitarian ideas. Our culture has a much greater tolerance for incompetent men than it does incompetent women - the dad who drops his kid off at daycare with two mismatched shoes and three packs of cookies for lunch is an overwhelmed parent doing his best, but the mother who does the same thing is viewed as a shitty mom. 

This is not limited to romantic partnerships. Anyone can weaponize their incompetence, not just partners - it could be friends, coworkers, roommates, teenage children, or just about anyone you have to share responsibilities with. That roommate who claims they don’t know how to pay the wi-fi bill or clean the bathroom wasn’t raised by wolves - there’s a good chance they’re simply choosing not to figure these things out because they know you’ll do it for them. 

The only way to combat this behaviour is to not tolerate it. People use weaponized incompetence because it works - eventually, you break down and do the thing for them. The key to combatting it, then, is to make sure that it stops working. Don’t jump in to help. Don’t offer to do it for them. Don’t spend hours drawing handmade maps of the grocery store because your husband insists he’s incapable of buying toilet paper on his own. When someone insists they can’t possibly do a household task that they’ve been asked to do dozens of times before, resist the urge to take over and simply say “I’m sorry, I have my own work to do. You are capable of figuring it out.” Remind them that figuring out how to do the chore is, in fact, part of the chore - if they don’t know where the clean bowls go or what needs to be on this week’s grocery list, it is their responsibility to investigate and work it out for themselves. 

I spent several years living with a (now-ex) partner who had mastered the use of weaponized incompetence to squirm his way out of everything he didn’t want to do in life. He got himself fired from numerous jobs so his parents would continue paying his rent and bills - eventually, they gave up on the idea of him working at all. Over and over again, he put the wrong soap in the dishwasher, over-loaded the washing machine until it flooded, and scraped non-stick pans with metal spoons. He quickly learned to use complex recording and sound equipment for his hobby, but scraped a Swiffer across the floor with no pad attached, claiming he just wasn’t capable of using one properly. I, inevitably, would get frustrated and take over for him, inadvertently teaching him exactly how to get out of his chores. 

The incompetence only stopped when I did. I reached a point where I was tired of hounding a grown man to wipe up his own spilled juice or wash his own underwear. So I stopped picking up after him. And when the apartment finally got disgusting and he reached the absolute limits of how long he could re-use the same underwear, something miraculous happened - all of a sudden, he realized he did know how to do laundry and dishes after all. 

Sooooo…. We all seem to hate the dishes. So I thought I would post some tips I’ve used to help me manage them, and maintain the habit of keeping them manageable. Maybe they will help you too. Note: I don’t have a dishwasher so the wording will reflect that.

I LEFT THIS MESS TOO LONG… WHERE DO I EVEN START?

I’ve gotten a lot better at being overwhelmed by them and usually don’t leave them more than a few days now. But in the past I’ve left things like 3 weeks or even longer and grown some fun mold colours that aren’t probably recommended for optimal health. I understand the struggle.

So if you have a big mess to tackle, here’s what to do:

1) First off, get some gloves. You want some disposable ones and some heavy duty ones for actually washing them. A disposable mask probably won’t hurt either. A barrier does wonders for the icky factor as well the sensory torture.

Also put on some music, something upbeat, your fav video game, or a cool movie soundtrack. Something to make this fun and also it’s gonna raise your dopamine so you actually want to do this.

2) Gather every dish from all over the house and bring it to the kitchen and organize it all into these groups: wood, plastics, ceramics, glass, metals.

This is super important because A) This is the order you will wash the items in. This keeps the dish-water cleaner, and wood and plastics (porous materials*) just don’t wash well in dirtier water. You can of course also change out the water for a fresh sink full later on, if needed; and B) When you’re overwhelmed having somewhere to start and a method to follow is very de-stressing, especially if you have any flavour of neurodivergent going on.

*by the way, if there’s any funky stuff on these types of materials, it’s not really safe to use. It’s now living between the layers. Throw that stuff out. If something like a Tupperware looks REALLY gross and moldy and has a lid on, do NOT remove the lid. That could release toxic spores and hurt you.

3) Set up your area: hot soapy water, drain tray, towels, rags, scrubbies, bottle brushes, etc. Don’t fill the sink too full, remember volume displacement and also you will need to rinse the suds off. Also if you are the splashy type, roll up a towel on the sink edge and sort of hold it in place with your torso. I also find wearing an apron helps.

Wash through the order and eventually it will be done, one sink full at a time** - but don’t over crowd how many dishes are in the sink, you need room, this will also reduce splash. Running out of room in the tray to place dry dishes? Lay bath towels on counters and the stove. It’s not gonna hurt them and it gives you more surface. Tables if nearby are fair game too. We don’t care what’s right we care about getting it done.

**So if you got this far and are thinking yeah that’s me, chances are you don’t have a habit of rinsing off the dishes you just… abandon them. While rinsing is a good thing to do going forward, today you will probably need to let them soak a bit in the heat. Set a timer or jam out to the length of a song or two for each sink full. Just make sure you do something to remind you that you are doing dishes… don’t be me and scroll on tumblr and then time blindness steals two hours and the water is cold.