if your heart starts to wonder
(post captain america: civil war fix it wherein steve and tony finally talk about some of their issues. read it here or on ao3)Â
âHeâs still there.âÂ
âItâs been three weeks. Itâs even longer than usual, Tones.âÂ
âI donât really care Rhodey.âÂ
 Tony did care. He cared far too much and that was the crux of the problem. Steve had abandoned him two years ago taking Tonyâs broken and battered heart, leaving Tony cold and empty to die in his scratched and scattered armour. It was not his fault. He had the right to hate him, and he truly did.Â
I hate him, Tony would think as he finds another man to fuck and leave new bruises and kisses all over his body as he bites his tongue excruciatingly hard to stop himself from screaming his name.Â
I hate him, he thinks as he tips back another glass and drowns himself on his sorrows until his vision is hazy and he can no longer feel his limbs (or his heart, especially that).Â
I hate him, Tony thinks as he pulls on one of his shirts, whose smell is starting to fade but it hurts Tony too much to even think about that, and huddles closer to the pillow as though he still had somebody beside him.
I hate him, Tony thinks as he sobs on the bedroom floor or the bathroom floor clutching a ring of metal in his trembling hands.Â
I hate him, Tony repeats every day (even though he knows he loves him).Â
Sometimes Tony even mixed up the reasons why he hated him so much.Â
Sometimes he hated him because he had lied. He had lied while he fucked him into their bed, breathing heavily on his back, their hands clasped together as he murmured Tonyâs name like a mantra. He had lied while he cradled Tonyâs shuddering body as nightmares continued to plague him. He lied when he promised to love Tony truly, madly and deeply for the rest of their lives.Â
Sometimes Tony hated him because he chose Bucky. Tony always feared Bucky, even before they knew that he was back. Tony knew how special their relationship was and Tony hated him for allowing Tony to fall in love in such a manner he knew he would reciprocate. Tony knew he was the second choice, and he was horrified that it was now a proven fact.Â
Most often, though Tony loathed to admit it, Tony hated him because he was left behind. Didnât he know that Tony would have followed him to the ends of the earth?Â
The last one proved to be quite tedious as Tony had to resist his urges to run to him whenever he was there.
At first Tony didnât even know if it was all for him. Yes, he happened to go Stuttgart and sit on the steps of the building where they met. But it may have been because he wanted a reminder of when he was all patriotic and followed rules. The next time he was there it was on the anniversary of their first kiss. Then their first date. Then their first I Love You. Then the date he abandoned him in Siberia.
Not even Tony could deny that he was definitely sending a message.
That didnât mean he was ready. Tony thought about him sitting there waiting patiently for him to suddenly appear. He had chosen a sentimental place and appeared dedicated. Tony almost always flies there. One time he arrived in Stuttgart but turned back at the last second when he was suddenly reminded of the feeling of the heavy, targeted shield penetrating his armour and reaching for his heart.
He never stayed longer than a few days. Tony imagined his rogue duties pulled him back. (Or perhaps he missed Barnes?) Every time it happened, Tony convinced himself it was the last time. He would not return. He would grow tired of it; tired of him. He would realise that Tony was a lost cause and that he made the right decision when he left. Tony was too much to handle and it was simply not worth all of the effort. Why would he give up so much for damaged goods?
It was three weeks after the anniversary of their violent breakup. And he was still there. Tony had seen him on the news that morning. He wouldnât speak to any of the reporters who interrogated him about who he was and what he was doing there if he supposedly was not homeless. Apparently the one time he spoke to a police officer, he told them that he was waiting for someone, someone he lost and just really wanted back. Nobody seemed to be able to recognise the soldier behind the rugged disguise, but Tony could recognise those eyes anywhere. They were the very eyes that haunted his nights.
The eyes that seemed to go from besotted to condescending in seconds that Tony was sure he would have missed it if he blinked.
 Tony was pacing. His entire body seemed to be buzzing with nervous, agitated energy. He couldnât sit still. His hands even shook as he tried to modify his gauntlets. He was sweating and it wasnât hot. He was losing his mind.
It wouldnât even take long for him to fly to Germany. Maybe Rhodey was right? What harm could this do that hadnât already been done? There werenât big enough pieces of his heart left for him to break.
Tony was so unsure of himself at the moment that he didnât know what was rational and what wasnât, which is why he quickly found himself suiting up and leaving the compound before Rhodey could say anything (knowing that Rhodey would definitely kill him when he came back).
Tonyâs heart was thumping so loud that he could hardly hear the music he blasted in his helmet. He was torn between apprehension and eager anticipation. What if it wasnât for him after all? Maybe Tony had become so self-obsessed in his grief that he imagined the entire ordeal. But what if he wanted Tony back? Tony was ashamed to admit he would succumb to his desires in seconds.
His landing caught the attention of everybody in the vicinity. Phones were out and videos were being recorded. But Tonyâs attention was focused on one man. A man who inexplicably stood out despite the crowd. Tonyâs faceplate snapped open and he breathed heavily. Tony slowly walked closer as the other manâs gaze fixated on him.
Before Steve could reply, Tony grabbed him by the waist (and tried to ignore the feeling of Steveâs body against his, which was still as firm and sturdy as it always had been which definitely did not remind of nights with his body flushed against Steveâs) and landed on the roof of the building. He dropped Steve quickly, suddenly feeling as though he was burning through the armour. Steve stumbled but quickly recomposed himself.
Steve looked gorgeous, disheveled but gorgeous. He had an unkempt beard and his hair had grown out, looking silky in the moonlight. His eyes were tired and weighed heavily on his face. There was a hint of melancholy in them, something Tony didnât want to ponder. His mouth was set in a thin, firm line. It was uncharacteristic of Steve to wear such a loose-fitting shirt, but it still seemed to highlight the sinewy body hidden underneath it.
Seeing him brought back a myriad of emotions Tony wished were buried. Everything in his mind screamed Steve. He could hardly believe he had gone so long without tasting that name on his lips.
âSteve.â It felt odd to say the name Tony had avoided for two years.
âTony, you came.â There was something hopeful, light in his voice that made Tonyâs heart flutter. It was for him. He had chosen the very place they had met and significant dates for him. He always had been sappy in that way.
âWhy did you do all of this?â Tony tentatively asks. Why did you do this if you were the one who left?
âI couldnât breathe anymore. I was lonely and empty. It was like everything in my life lost its colour and meaning. I somehow led myself here and it was like a breath of fresh air, albeit with some glass shards which tore at my heart as I realised I was alone here. It reminded me of you. It was where we first met and it drew me here. I just kept coming back. I thought that if you ever started to yearn for me the way I did you, you would wander here. And I would be right here waiting for you. Sorrowful, regretful and yours.â Steve sounded so sincere that Tony was glad he had the armour to support the weight of his body.Â
âI didnât handle it that well either, but I imagine youâd know all about that. You shouldâve trusted me.â Tony didnât mean for it to come out as bitter as it did. Steve grimaced and ran a weary hand through his hair.
âIâm sorry about that. I never wanted to be the reason you picked up a bottle again,â Steve says. âJust know that I regret the way I handled the situation. You are the love of my life and I lied to you. I got caught up in trying to preserve my past that I dismissed the future I could have had with you and I was impulsive.â
âThe nightmares are back. I never seem to make it out of the bunker. It gets worse because sometimes neither of us gets out and that always hurts more,â Tony says and he deliberately avoids Steveâs gaze.
âMine too. Theyâre worse than ever. SometimesâŚsometimes I donât stop the shield. I just continue hitting and hitting and I become a monster. Other times, Iâm the one lying on the floor, bloodied and broken. You have a malicious glint in your eye as you end my life.â Steve replies.
The frightening part was that he had the power to end Tonyâs life and so did Tony. The shared look tells them that neither has somebody to bring them back to reality. Theyâve often wondered if their reality of being separated and lost is even better than the dreams.
âGod Tony, I just really fucking miss you,â Steve says and his voice breaks at the end.
âI miss you too,â Tony blurted out before he could stop himself. It was those eyes. Those treacherous, deep blue eyes of his. âYou could have called. Iâd have run to you in a second.â
A small smile crept onto Steveâs lips because Tony kept the phone. They hadnât used it in two years, but they had it. It was the only connection they still had. Steve found the weight of it in his pocket less heavy.
âI started to wish you took me with you, once I got over the fact that you had chosen Barnes over me. I was okay with being the second choice and sharing you as long as I got to be with you,â Tony continues. He already started so why stop now?
âYou were never my second choice,â Steve says firmly, âit was never like that. I protected him to protect myself. I didnât want to lose you and I never considered the fact that you would help me or that telling you the truth meant more than what I said. I never wanted to betray you like that. I left because I was repulsed by myself and my actions towards you. It didnât mean I loved you any less.â
âI understand why you didnât sign. I just needed you to be safe for my own peace of mind. And then I lost you and suddenly none of that meant anything anymoreâ Tony says, remembering how bleak the compound had become without Steveâs radiant smile.
âI know that you take everything on by yourself. That you carry the guilt on your shoulders and never allow it to dissipate. You think that you should do better, but you are already doing more than any of us. You are self-sacrificing and I adore that about you, but Tony it was not your fault. Sokovia was not your fault. Those peopleâs blood is not on your hands. You shouldnât have to be held back by handcuffs that wonât fit.â
They were closer now. The last time they were this close, they were clawing at each other. Each word they said bridged the gap between them. Communication had never been their strength, but it was clearly becoming their saving grace. Tony disengaged the armour and stepped out of it. He played with his fingers and dug at his nails, a clear sign of nervousness. Steve understood the vulnerability of it. He was essentially defenseless and he was putting his life in Steveâs hands again. It was an olive branch if there ever was one.
Steve slowly took Tonyâs hands into his and brought them to his chapped lips. A wave of electricity sparked between them. They could feel the pieces of their lives slotting back into place. The hole in their worlds was being filled again. Despite everything, it was clear that they would always be pulled together again.
âCome home. I promise to be better. I promise to help. I promise to never make you leave me again. Just please, please come home.â Scalding hot tears were streaming down Tonyâs face now. There was a list of issues Tony planned to fix that he had created over the last two years. He wanted to show Steve that was he was worthy.
Hearing Tony plead and degrade himself like that broke Steveâs heart. He pressed another kiss to the calloused hands he still held and stared straight at Tony.
âSweetheart you are perfect. There is absolutely nothing for you to change. We both made mistakes and we will work on them together. Fighting you tore me apart and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. Nothing can tear me away from you ever again. I hated every second of it. It wasnât worth it.â
Steve held Tonyâs face in his hands. His fingers ghosted over his cheeks. He slowly leaned towards him, giving Tony a chance to back away. He didnât.
Their lips met slowly but passionately. Yearning, loss, and regret poured into the kiss. It was everything they had missed and desired and more. Steve nipped at Tonyâs bottom lip and Tony immediately gave in. Steve licked into Tonyâs mouth and the world fell apart, leaving only their earth-shattering kiss.
It wasnât perfect. It wouldnât be what it used to be. Steve knew that Tony would flinch around him for months to come. He would be distant and cold sometimes, maybe even bring up Siberia again. Steve deserved it. He breached his trust and he was determined to earn it back. Tony knew that Steve was stubborn and headstrong and he pledged to understand it. He knew that Steve would keep secrets about the other Avengers for a while and he had to respect that. They wouldnât agree on everything, but they needed to allow the disagreement without launching into a fight.
They were unsure of the future. Everything was uncertain as they entered unprecedented circumstances in their relationship. But they loved each other. Utterly and entirely. They were consumed by it. The two years had done nothing but intensified it. The potential of a future together was all the incentive they needed to at least try. Starting with a kiss under the stars.
