#lexa x reader

And there’s a lot of pressure on me. Right now, Clarke is leading Arkadia after she was backed by all the 100 when our parents came down. But Pike is chomping at her heels, claiming that a kid can’t lead. Clarke thinks this is her last chance to prove she’s a good leader and get Pike off her back for good. How that leads to me staying in Polis to negotiate instead of her is beyond me.

It’s only a few hours from Arkadia to Polis on horseback, and we’re making quick time. Clarke glances back at me every once in a while, and each time I return her gaze with a glare. Until we’re almost there, then she pulls on her horse’s reins and slows until she’s riding next to me.

“Y/N, please,” she says quietly, trying to speak in private. “You have to understand why this is the best course of action.”

“You’re our leader, Clarke.” I whisper back. “You should be the one to negotiate with this Commander.”

“As leader of Arkadia, I’m needed there. But I have complete faith that you can get the rest of our friends out safely.”

“Yeah,” I scoff. “‘Our friends’. More like your friends. Remind me who is at stake again? Oh, yeah, that’s right. Bellamy, Octavia, Wells, Raven, and Finn. Your friends, not mine. None of those people have ever even spoken to me, let alone pretended to be my friend. Not to mention the kid you’re getting in exchange for me is your little boy toy.”

“Y/N,” Clarke hisses, but I wave her off and kick my horse in his sides to speed him up. In a few steps I overtake Clarke and finish the ride in the front with the Grounders.

I might not want to be here, but entering Polis is pretty impressive. There are tons of Grounders running around, kids and adults alike. There are even elderly Grounders every once in a while. I keep my eyes open and watching as we make our way through the city, and the Grounders here do the same. Clearly, they are not fans of ours.

The main thing that pulls my attention is the large building in the not-so-far off distance. It’s taller than any tree I’ve ever seen, and it takes my breath away. The Grounders lead us right to it, and one of them is nice enough to help me off my horse while a second one leads the horse away. I take a few steps towards the building and look up in awe.

“Not so bad, is it?” Clarke asks, coming to stand next to me.

“Don’t talk to me, Clarke.” I say, walking toward the doors without looking at her.

A Grounder guard opens the door for me as I approach, a few of the Grounder guides from the way here following me. One of them steps ahead of me and leads me pretty high up the building. He stops me outside a large door and we wait for the other people in our party. Clarke leads the charge up the stairs after a few minutes of waiting, her mother and Kane following her.

“Let’s get this done.” Clarke says, nodding to the Grounder that was first up the stairs. He nods and opens the door for us.

Inside the main room are a bunch of Grounders on either side of the room, watching us. In front of us is a large window with destroyed curtains overlooking the way we just came from. Right in front of the window is a large chair, or throne if you will, made of wood and metal weapons. But the person sitting in the throne is what makes me pause.

There’s a young woman sitting there, maybe only a few years older than me. She’s got long brown hair and piercing eyes, some sort of ornament ordaining her forehead. She’s got one leg crossed over the other, her hands on the arm rests, and her face is stern. Clarke walks ahead of me and approaches the woman.

“Commander.” She says, shocking me. This woman is the Commander? She’s so damn young, I thought she might be an apprentice or something. The Commander rises from her throne and takes a few steps forward.

“Clarke kom Skaikru. Have you brought your trade?”

“I have.” Clarke turns her body and holds her arm out to me. The Commander’s eyes move slowly from looking at Clarke to looking at me. Her face doesn’t change. She looks to her right and nods. A Grounder guard disappears through a door and returns a moment later with Finn. He looks around frantically, only calming down when he lays his eyes on Clarke. I watch as Clarke exhales, her mouth twitching up slightly. The Commander looks behind me and nods. Two guards then come and take me by my arms.

“Hey!” I shout struggling against their grip. “Let go of me!”

“Y/N, it’s okay, don’t struggle,” Clarke says, but I kick out in her direction.

“Don’t you fucking talk to me, Clarke, you’re why I’m here! You’re bullshit, your leadership is bullshit, your so-called friendship is bullshit!” I scream at her as the guards drag me backwards and out the door we entered. “Clarke, get me out of here! Clarke? Clarke!!” I scream at her as the door closes before my eyes. The guards drag me down one flight of stairs and through the doors of another room, throwing me to the ground once we’re inside. They take a few steps back to stand by the door, arms crossed. I look around the room, but the only way out is through a window behind me. Maybe I’ll be ready for a swan dive in the future, but I’m not that desperate yet.

I scramble up from the floor and look around frantically. This is a fairly nice bedroom, large with a bed, a desk, and the balcony looking outside. I look back to the guards and march up to them.

“Let me out.” I demand. “I shouldn’t be in here. I came here willingly, I’m going to stay here willingly, but I shouldn’t be trapped inside this room!” The guards don’t move. One of them glances down at me for a split second before looking ahead. I growl in frustration and walk over to the open balcony. I grip the railing and lean, looking down. I hear shuffling behind me and look to see the guards moving towards me. I hold my hand out to stop them. “It’s fine. I’m not going to jump, you idiots.” I slide down to the floor of the balcony and stick my legs through the bars of the railing, letting them hang in the open air. The sun visibly moves through the sky before I see tiny figures exiting the building far below me. I doubt anyone down there can see me, but I stick up my middle finger to them, just in case. The group gets on some horses and ride away. I let my head fall against the railing, defeated.

Some time later, after the sun dips below the horizon, the door opens. I hear the guards shuffling out of the way, some murmuring, and then the door closing. I take my time bringing my legs back through the bars to stand up. I lean over to brush off my pants before turning around. The room is empty except for the Commander. Her guards are nowhere in sight. She holds her hands behind her back, her head slightly tilted.

“I know why I was brought here.” I tell her, taking a few steps inside the room. “I came willingly. There’s no reason to lock me in here.”

“You have to understand the precautions we must take.” She responds. “You’re with the Sky People. We can’t trust you.”

“Then what are we doing here?” I throw my hands in the air. “If you can’t trust me, then there’s no way you’re going to release the other kids that Clarke wants.”

“Because unlike most of my leaders, I believe that good things can come from a relationship with Skaikru.” The Commander takes a few steps forward until she is past me and out on the balcony. I turn to watch her as she places her hands on the railing of the balcony. “All of this belongs to me. Not to rule, but to be responsible for. It’s my job to be the mother, the negotiator, the queen. And whether you like it or not, you and the other Skaikru are now on my land. Either you are under my protection, or we will root you out like a disease.”

“We just want to survive, Commander.” I say, walking over to stand next to her. “I realize that we might be seen as privileged to you Grounders, but there’s nothing that we can do about that. It was our ancestors, not us, that went into the sky. It should all be a level playing field now.”

“But it isn’t.” The Commander turns to look at me. “We have been down here for hundreds of years, fighting for our lives and trying to find a peaceful way to live together. We’ve achieved it, but barely. That peace is always close to cracking. Adding in Skaikru is… difficult to say the least.”

“Then why even try?” I ask. “Why not just send your armies to decimate us and go on with your fragile peace?”

“Because I think we would be better off if we combined resources, not destroyed them.” The Commander looks at me curiously, as if she’s trying to break down my psyche. Then she turns back into the room and heads toward the door. When I don’t follow her, she turns back to me. “Come on. There are some people you should talk to.”

I follow the Commander back up the stairs into her throne room, now empty. She leads me through the door that Finn had come out of earlier, and we descend down a few flights of stairs by a narrow staircase. It ends with a door that she opens easily. Through the door is just one large room, cut in half with iron bars. On the other side of the room, the other kids from Arkadia are sprawled out. Raven sees us first, bouncing from her sitting position at the back of the room to the bars.

“Y/N!” She says. The other three kids look up. When they realize I’m in the room, they approach the bars. I walk over slowly, cautiously.

“How’re you guys holding up?” I ask, almost caring.

“Where’s Finn?” Raven asks. It takes everything in me to not roll my eyes. When Raven came down from space and saw Finn and Clarke together, I believed she might forget about him. Oh, how stupid I had been.

“Gone.” I tell her. “He left with Clarke.” Raven’s face drops.

“What?” She murmurs.

“When are you going to give it up, Raven?” Octavia does me a favor by rolling her eyes herself. “He obviously is over you. He’s moving on to better and blonder things.”

“Shut up, Octavia.” Raven spits at her. “He loves me, I know he does.”

“Why are you here?” Bellamy jerks his chin at me. “Why’d she leave you?”

“Because Clarke thinks she’s the best negotiator.” Wells answers for me. “She always won our debates in school. Probably thinks Y/N has the best chance to get us out of here.”

“Bingo.” I say quietly, quickly pointing at him.

“We’re screwed, then.” Octavia scoffs. “This bitch hates us.”

“Actually, I just hate you.” I narrow my eyes at her. “I just strongly dislike everyone else.” I look around at the other three behind the bars. “With that being said, I’m still going to try my best to get you home. Okay? Trust me on that.”

“Yeah, trust you, okay.” Octavia shakes her head and backs away from the iron. “Like that’s ever going to happen.”

“What a bitch,” I mumble, turning towards the Commander. She’s standing by the door, her hands still behind her back, staring directly at me. I turn back to Raven, Bellamy, and Wells. “I swear to you guys, I’m going to do everything I can to get you out of here.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to?” Wells asks.

“I’m not sure,” I admit. “But that’s the benefit of being a prisoner on this side of the cell. I can do a lot more than you can to try.” I nod at them and back away, walking back toward the Commander. Before I can go through the door, she stops me.

“You have more time with them.” She says quietly. “All the time you need.”

“If you give me any more time,” I whisper quietly, “I’ll break those bars and strangle those kids.” I push past her and race up the stairs two at a time.

I don’t stop until I reach the room the guards had dragged me to. I pace the room, angry. A few moments later, the Commander comes in, quietly shutting the door behind her. Then she stands in front of it, her hands still clasped behind her back.

“Listen, Commander, I know that Clarke left me here to get those kids released by coming up with a solution to our border problem. And I’ll do it. Under one condition.”

“And that is?” The Commander raises her eyebrow.

“If somehow I’m able to help with this and you feel it’s best to release the kids, you won’t send me back.” The Commander looks shocked that I would say that. “I’ve never fit in there. I never had any friends on the Ark, and that didn’t change once we were down here. Those kids you’ve got, Clarke, they don’t care about me. Clarke gave me this job because I’m expendable, not because she trusts me.” I stop pacing and walk to the balcony. I can hear the sound of the Commander’s boots as she walks over to me. “When I heard that the 100 were being sent to the ground, I was a little excited. I thought maybe I could start over.” I lean over the railing and sigh, hanging my head. “I guess I never knew how stupid I could be.”

“If starting over is what you want, then prove it.” The Commander says. “Help me find a way to bring peace with Skaikru to my people. And I will grant you the freedom you want.” I lift my head to look at her.

“Really?” I ask.

“Yes. Help me help Skaikru, and I can get you out.” I hold the Commander’s gaze for a minute. Then I nod.

“I’ll do it.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next morning, the Commander herself comes to get me from my room. She invites me to eat breakfast with her before we start planning. My stomach growls at the mention of food, as if it thinks I have a choice to say no. She leads me up to the throne room and to the right side of the room, opposite to where she’s holding the other Ark kids. Inside is a large table with a map on it, miniatures scattered around. She leads me over to a smaller table by a window.

“Please, have a seat.” She says, gesturing to the spot closest to the door. As soon as we sit, someone comes in from another door and sets two small plates in front of us, a cooked rabbit on each one. Another Grounder comes in and sets cups of water in front of us.

“Thank you,” I say, nodding to the Grounders. They look at me, unsure. The younger one, the one who brought the cups and must be around eight, decides to smile at me. I smile back at him. Then the older Grounder herds him away, back out of the door they came through. I turn my attention back to the Commander. “So how are we going to create peace?”

“Easy, easy,” she says, holding her hand out. “Eat first. Battle plan later.”

“Well, I hope it’s not an actual battle.” I chuckle, picking some meat off the carcass. “That’s what I’m hoping to avoid.”

“Yes, you are right.” The Commander says with a nod. “We are trying to avoid a battle.” She also takes a piece of meat and sticks it in her mouth, chewing methodically while looking at me. “Tell me why you were sent here.”

“Well, I guess Clarke thought I’d have the best chance of negotiating with you.” I shrug, sticking a piece of meat in my mouth.

“No, not here in Polis,” The Commander chuckles, pushing meat against her teeth through her smile. “I mean on the ground. You came down with the other kids. Clarke has told me that the kids who came down first committed crimes on the Ark.” The Commander holds my gaze, her smirk big. “What did you do to get sent down here?” I sigh and lean back in my chair. I reach out for my glass and take a sip before I answer.

“I stole drugs. That’s a huge no-no on the Ark. But…” I sigh again and make very forceful eye contact with my water. I lower my voice as a memory flashes in my mind. “She was dying, and Abby, Clarke’s mom, wouldn’t do anything to help her.”

“Who was dying?” The Commander pressed. “Your sister?”

“No,” I shake my head. “We weren’t allowed siblings on the Ark. That’s illegal, too. It’s why Octavia is here. She’s a second born.”

“Okay. Then who was she?”

“My first love.” I whisper. “Kyra. Her fever was so high that she wasn’t even hot anymore. Abby could have helped her if she’d only given Kyra the medicine.” I rub my forehead aggressively, the memory of Kyra’s face burned into my mind. “I almost made it to her. I was literally at the open door to Kyra’s room when the guards caught me. They took the medicine from me and gave it back to Abby.” I sniffle, rubbing my nose with my finger. “The last time I saw her, she was weakly crying for me as they dragged me away.” My hands now go to my eyes, wiping away tears that have started to fall before I can stop them. “She died three days later. I never saw her again.”

The Commander sits in silence, watching me as I try to compose myself. She doesn’t try to impose, she doesn’t try to rush me, she just waits for me to be ready. But the tears won’t stop falling. I can’t clear my face fast enough. The Commander gets up from her seat and comes over, kneeling in front of me. She brings up her hand and moves mine away from my face, replacing it with a piece of cloth to soak up the water running from my eyes. After a minute she gets up, but leaves me with the cloth, and sits back down in her seat.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, but the Commander shakes her head.

“Do not apologize for your tears. Only the weak apologize for their tears.”

“Yes, Commander.” I nod, keeping the cloth to my eyes. I take a few more minutes while she eats to make sure my face is dry, then I try to hand the cloth back to her. She holds up her hand, shaking her head.

“Keep it. If you feel tears again, you’ll always have one.”

“Thank you.” I say, placing the cloth on the table and picking off another piece of the rabbit. I flick my eyes upward to the Commander. “What about you?”

“What about me?” The Commander asks.

“Have you ever been in love?” I watch the Commander stiffen at my question. I quickly bring my eyes back down to my food and make myself smaller. “I apologize, Commander. Please forgive my question, I overstepped.”

“No.” The Commander says, a little too quickly. “It’s alright.” She clears her throat and takes a sip of water. “I have been. But it was a mistake. A weakness. One I will never repeat.”

“That’s sad,” I whisper without thinking. I quickly look up to see the Commander staring at me. My eyes grow wide. “I’m sorry, Commander, I just… I just meant that… I just think that…”

“Spit it out, Skaikru.” The Commander says, her voice quiet and monotone. “Speak what is on your mind.”

“I have a problem with that,” I chuckle nervously, picking at the rabbit. “Speaking my mind when I shouldn’t, and keeping quiet when I should be speaking up.” I take a large breath. “I think this is one of those times when I should keep quiet.”

“I would prefer it if you didn’t.” I bring my eyes back up to the Commanders. It seems as if she hasn’t stopped looking at me. “In here, with me, I’d like it if you always speak your mind. A difference of opinion is helpful when searching for a solution.” She gestures to me with a hand. “So please. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“It’s just…” I sigh, placing a piece of rabbit in my mouth and chewing a few times before swallowing. “Love isn’t a weakness. Love is a strength. Love is kind, love is compassionate. Love is the reason we live.” I gesture to the rabbit on my plate. “And a deep love is what sets us apart from animals like this rabbit.”

“How can you believe that, after what happened to you?” The Commander’s question isn’t harsh or accusatory. She tilts her head, asking the question genuinely.

“Because the time I spent with Kyra was the best in my life.” I tell her, holding her gaze. “Her warmth, her smile, her laugh. Kyra gave me this feeling in my stomach unlike any other.” I smile despite myself, thinking of the good memories I have of Kyra. “Love can save your life, Commander.”

“In my experience, it can get you killed.” The Commander’s stern look tells me I’m not changing her mind. “It sounds like that’s true in yours as well.”

“Loving Kyra didn’t get me killed,” I shake my head. “Or almost, as the circumstances stand. No, loving Kyra didn’t almost get me killed. Loving Kyra taught me how to live.” The Commander studies me for a moment. Then she gets up, clasps her hands behind her back, and moves to the larger table in the middle of the room. I pick up the cloth from the table that the Commander had given me and follow her.

I stop at the table and watch as the Commander slowly circles the table. She stares at the miniatures as she does. When she reaches where I am, I feel her presence behind me and the wind as she passes. She stops on my other side and nods to the table.

“What do you see here?” She asks. I lean over the table and take a closer look at the table.

“I see a map of the 12 clans, plus Arkadia. Since you don’t have thousands of these miniatures, I assume that the amount you do have here indicates populations. Which is why,” I point to the northernmost miniatures, “Azgeda has the most on the table.”

“Hmm.” The Commander nods, looking on. “Anything else?”

“Well, it’s clear that you can crush us without even trying. My question is why you haven’t.”

“We aren’t here to debate why I haven’t ordered the attack.” The Commander looks up at me. “We’re here to try and prevent that.”

“Commander, I don’t know much about you Grounders, but you had pretty much every Clan united with Trikru to create the Coalition, isn’t that right?”

“Except Azgeda.” She says.

“Right, except Azgeda.” I take another look at the map. “If the goal is to bring Skaikru into the coalition, you’re going to have the easiest time convincing everyone else before Azgeda. So, what if you went around to every Clan, hear them out about their concerns in inviting Skaikru into the coalition, and see if there is anything you can give in return for their support in accepting Skaikru into the coalition.”

“And if they don’t want anything?”

“Then you threaten to take something.” I look at the Commander. “I doubt you’ll have to do that with any Clan except Azgeda. But you should go to Azgeda last. They’ll be the hardest to convince, so having the other Clans supporting you will make it easier to bargain with them.”

The Commander studies me again, and I can see the gears turning in her head. Then she nods and heads toward the door we’d entered earlier.

“Good work, Y/N kom Skaikru. Go back to your room and get dressed in our clothes. You’re coming with me.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Commander had left clothes for me in my room, long pants, a long sleeved shirt, knee high boots, and a cloak, all black. I change, tossing my Skaikru clothes in a pile at the foot of the bed. The Commander has left guards outside my room to escort me down when I’m finished, and they sandwich me as we head down the stairs.

The Commander waits outside, the reins of a horse in each of her hands. I walk over to the one on my left, black as night with a fleck of white on its forehead. It lowers its head and snorts, nuzzling my head. I let out a laugh and scratch the horse’s snout.

“Her name is Osleya. In our language it means Champion.”

“A fitting name.” I smile as the horse shoves her nose into my hand. The Commander hands me the reins. I take them, a little surprised. The Commander pulls at the reins of the other horse, a horse as pure as snow. “This is Gona. It means Warrior.”

“Sounds like a good name for you, buddy.” I smile, offering my hand to him as well. He sticks his neck out and flutters his lips on my hand. I look at the reins that the Commander has given me. “It seems I have the wrong horse, Commander. I believe the Heda should be riding the horse called Champion.”

“We pay attention to signs down here,” the Commander shakes her head. “Osleya chose you. It means good things.” The Commander gives me a little head tilt before mounting Gona. Before I can follow suit on Osleya, the doors of Polis slam open and a large, hulking Grounder storms out. He stalks over to me and aggressively rips Osleya’s reins from my hands, causing her to whinny, back up, and rear.

“Heda!” The Grounder calls to the Commander. “Dison Skaikru na nou ste allowed gon hos of yu gapa!” (This Skaikru can’t be allowed to ride your horse!)

“Silence, Colu.” The Commander waves her hand. “She was chosen. Leave us. We have a long journey ahead.” The Grounder looks at me angrily before handing me back the reins and stomping away. Osleya calms down immediately.

“What was that?” I ask as the horse closes the distance between us and nuzzles my head.

“Nothing to worry about.” The Commander nods. “Colu is just a little stick in the old traditions.”

“What tradition am I breaking?” I ask, patting Osleya’s neck as I put my foot in her stirrup and pull myself onto her saddle. The Commander turns Gona around and kicks him into a walk. I do the same, pulling Osleya up next to the Commander. She looks down at the horse I’m riding and smiles.

“Osleya has been my horse since I became Heda. She chose me, and my people took that as a sign.” The Commander smiles down toward the black mare. “The Champion and the Commander. A perfect fit.”

“So I did steal your horse.” I raise an eyebrow at her. The Commander slides her smile to my direction.

“Technically, sure. But she did choose you. And that takes precedence over her past riders.” I lean forward and look into Osleya’s eye. The horse turns her head to look back, and I almost believe that Osleya is telling me that she’s mine now. I sit back up and look at the road ahead.

The plan is to go down to Yujleda, the Broadleaf Clan, first. We secure their support fairly easily. The Commander seems to think it has something to do with how I played with their children, although their condition is that Skaikru get rid of all their old world weapons. Guns, grenades, all of that needs to be tossed. The Commander asks my opinion and I tell her that it’s a good idea. With that sorted, we move on through the Louwoda Kliron, the Ouskejon Kru, the Boudalan, the Trishanakru, the Delfikru, and the Podakru territories without much struggle. They all agreed to back the Commander after promises of more weapons and trade abilities. It takes us about four weeks to make it through all those territories, and I spend most of the time at the Commander’s side. We ride together, eat together, and spend a lot of time with each other. Now we’re on our way back through Trikru territory in order to get up to the Floukru and Sangedakru territories.

Most of the Grounder guards have split into groups to set up camp or go hunting. I take the time to completely brush out Osleya, feed her, and walk her to the stream a few yards south of camp for some water. Once she’s tied back up, I go and search for the Commander.

I find her about a mile east of camp with her bodyguard, Indra. They’re practicing with the Commander's swords, something she does every night. I try to walk up as quietly as I can and take a seat on a large, moss covered log to watch. I tuck one leg under me and pull the other leg up to my chest, hugging my knee.

After a few hours of watching them beat the crap out of each other they stop, coming together to speak to each other quietly. After a moment Indra looks over at me, then nods at the Commander. Indra sheaths her swords and starts walking back toward the camp. I watch her go, then turn my attention back to the Commander.

I’m immediately taken aback. Now that the Commander wasn’t constantly moving around Indra, I got a good look at her. Her armor is off and her shirt is tied up around her breasts. Her hair is tied back and her skin is slick with sweat. She bends down to pick up her armor and boots before walking over to me.

“Do you know how to fight?” She asks me. I shake my head.

“Not like you. I can maybe throw a punch here and there, but these swords?” I waggle a finger at her weapons. “Absolutely not.”

“Do you want to try?”

“With actual swords?” I laugh. “You can’t be serious. You’ll kill me.”

“No, I won’t.” She says matter-of-factly. “I could never hurt you.” The Commander offers her hand to me. I look at it for a moment, hesitating. Then I nod and take her hand, sliding off of the log. Once on the ground, the Commander hands me one of her swords, hilt first. I take it in my right hand and hold it up. The Commander comes to stand behind me and wraps her arms around me, taking my hands in hers. She places my hands where they’re supposed to be on the sword. “Hold the blade like this.” She gently nudges my feet with hers to place them in a better stance. “And hold your body like this.”

“Okay,” I whisper, nodding. I shift my weight so I’m a little lighter on my feet based on the stance the Commander put me in. “How’s that?”

“That’s good,” the Commander whispers into my ear. I can hear the smile in her voice. “You’re a natural, Y/N.”

“You know, I find it kind of unfair that Clarke told you my name, but I don’t know yours.” I continue to whisper, turning my head slightly.

“She didn’t.” The Commander responds. “That Skaikru girl in my cell said it pretty loudly.”

“So will you tell me yours?”

“Maybe if you do well in our lesson.” The Commander chuckles. “Now, you always want to hold your weapon like this when you aren’t attacking…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Commander spends two hours training me in basic sword combat. By the end, I’m moving pretty well and have a good grasp on the basics. When she decides we’re done, the Commander grabs her water sack and takes a drink, then she offers it to me. I take it and take a long sip, some of the water dripping from the sides of my mouth. I lower the skin and hand it back to the Commander. She takes the skin from me and reaches up with her other hand to wipe the excess water from my chin. My eyes flick up to the Commander’s quickly. She holds my gaze for a moment before removing her hand from my chin and looking away.

“You should head back to camp.” She says.

“I can wait for you,”

“No, that’s okay.” The Commander shakes her head. “I’m going to stay for a little longer. Go back to camp. I’ll be there shortly.”

“Okay.” I nod and turn towards camp. As I hop onto the log, the Commander calls to me.

“Y/N!” I turn to look at her. The light of the rising moon hits her skin in just a way that it looks like she’s glowing, causing my breath to catch in my throat. “My name? It’s Lexa.”

“Lexa,” her name flows past my lips as if I were meant to say it. “It’s nice to meet you.” I nod to her, and she smiles. I wave, and Lexa doesn’t hesitate to wave back. I hop off the log on the other side and head back to camp.

The walk back is long and dark. But it’s peaceful. I let my hands run through the foliage, enjoying the feel of each individual plant. We didn’t have plants like this on the Ark, obviously, but we weren’t even allowed to touch the one tree we had. I’m so busy appreciating the trees that I don’t hear them.

Suddenly, I have a bag over my head and I’m being dragged backwards. A hand flies to my mouth over the bag, so my scream is muffled. After a few feet I’m hauled onto the back of a horse. The person initially hauling me starts to bind my hands, then they throw one of my legs over the horse and someone else grabs my hands and throws them around the head of the person in front of me on the horse.

Then the horse takes off. It runs fast through the woods, the person in front of me nudging it every few seconds. I don’t know how long we ride, but eventually he slows down and the horse starts walking.

“Who are you?” I ask through the bag. The person doesn’t answer. “Where are you taking me?” Again, they don’t answer. I raise my arms and try to choke the person in front of me. They pull on the horse’s reins, causing it to rear. I go backwards, and I can only assume that the person in front of me lets go of the reins, because I go tumbling to the ground, the other person on top of me. They scramble to get out from between my binds and get on top of me, a hand at my throat. I gasp for breath, but their squeezing hand combined with the bag over my head makes it difficult.

“Shut the fuck up and be good.” A man growls into my ear. “Stop fighting. You’re slated to die, but not today, and not by my hand. So shut up and come nicely.” I don’t say anything. I can’t. After a few more moments he releases my throat. “Get up.” He pulls me up by my binds and whistles. I hear the soft noises of hooves trotting over to us. The Grounder picks me up and puts me on the back of the horse. I feel him climbing up, maneuvering his head so that my arms are around his body again.

Time passes me by, but I don’t have the ability to tell how long it is that we’re on the horse. It’s at least a few days. The Grounder stops twice to sleep, but the bag is never removed from my head. Eventually, I start to hear voices. They grow louder and louder until they’re all around me. Then the horse stops, and the Grounder riding in front of me hops from the horse, dragging me down with him. I fall to the ground, dirt scraping against my palms. The Grounder grabs a fistful of bag and my hair and drags me a ways before throwing me down in the first again. Before I can sit up, the bag is ripped off my head and I’m jerked up by my hair to look ahead of me.

It’s barely morning, the sun not yet rising above the trees. In front of me is a blonde woman with a tattoo on the side of her face. She’s sitting on a throne, Her back straight and her face plain. I reach up, my hands still bound, and try to claw at the person gripping my hair. There are soft laughs all around as I twist desperately in the Grounder’s grasp.

“Y/N kom… Arkadia.” The woman says, chewing her words as if they’re a tough piece of meat. “You are a hard one to get a hold of.”

“Who are you?” I ask. The woman smirks.

“So Lexa didn’t tell you anything about me. Probably for the best. You might be more malleable than I expected.”

“Who are you?” I ask again, a little more forceful this time.

“I am Nia, Queen of Azgeda. And tell me, who are you, Y/N of the Sky People? Why has our dear Commander taken you under her wing, hm?” The Queen of Azgeda gets up from her throne and walks over to me. She takes my chin in her hand and makes me look at her. “Why does Lexa want to keep you close?”

“Don’t tell me you actually think I know anything about what the Commander wants.” I tell her. “She’s the Commander. I’m just a lowly Skaikru, someone my own people aren’t even concerned about.” I barely finish my sentence before the Queen brings her hand down on my face. The force of the smack knocks me down to the ground, the Grounder holding my hair ripping out strands from my skull. I look up at the Queen, fire in my eyes. The Queen looks down at me, then lets out a short laugh.

“Trying to melt the Ice Nation, are you, triklama (squirrel)?”

“If I have to.” I say through gritted teeth.

“I’d like to see you try.” Nia smirks. She looks up to the Grounder that had been holding me by my hair. “Roan. Tie her up out here. I’ll come for her later.”

“Yes, my Queen.” The Grounder behind me, Roan, says. He grabs me by the back of my shirt and yanks me to my feet, leading me toward the stage where the Queen’s throne is. Off to the side is a wooden post with a metal circlet near the top. Roan throws me to the ground next to the post before he ties a rope to my bindings, connecting them to the metal circlet on the top of the post. There’s almost nowhere for me to go, so I slump against the post.

The Queen has me on the post for two whole days in the hot sun with no protection, no food, and no water. By the late afternoon, I’m sunburned and dehydrated. The only reason I’m still sitting upright is because the rope is forcing me to. I can barely look up when I hear footsteps approaching me.

“Bring the post!” The Queen calls. I hear movement in front of me, including the loud, obnoxious sounds of something hitting something else fairly hard. After a few minutes, the Queen calls out again. “Bring the girl!” A pair of footsteps stomp loudly towards me and I hear the sound of metal hitting wood, and a few moments later I fall to the ground, not having enough strength in my body to hold myself up.

“Don’t show weakness.” I recognize Roan’s voice whispering to me. “Hold your head up and this will be easier for you.” He grabs onto my bindings and hauls me to my feet. He has to practically drag me to the pole where he ties me up again, but this time the rope is short enough that I’m standing at the pole. I hang my head, tired and hungry, too weak to look up. I hear footsteps approaching and then see some boots on the ground in front of me. A hand grabs my chin and forces me to look up into the face of the Azgeda Queen.

“Tell me why Lexa is dragging you around with her.” She says. “What do you know?”

“I don’t know anything…” I say weakly. “I’m just Skaikru, remember?” The Queen brings her hand down on my face again, the sting souring through my nerves. The next time my chin rises, the Queen is holding it steady with a knife, sharpened to the nines. Once my head is raised she drags the knife out from under my skin and then drags it across my cheek, drawing blood.

“You’re lying to me.” The Queen whispers in a sing-songy tone. She places the knife on the front part of my left shoulder and pushes, cutting through my shirt and skin. Then she drags it diagonally across my chest, cutting over my sternum and right breast. Once the knife is right over my right nipple she picks it up again and raises it between us, my blood glistening on the blade. Her tone switches back to an evil, devilish one as her face grows stone cold. “Why are you visiting the Clans with our Commander?”

“I’m a prisoner.” I say. “The Commander is probably keeping me around as leverage for my people to stay away from Polis while she’s away.”

“Ahh,” the Queen raises her eyebrows and nods, straightening up and taking a few steps back. “Yeah, our Commander is very smart that way. Keeping you with her as a prisoner does make a lot of sense.” The Queen taps the bloody knife against her chin in thought. “Except…” she looks back at me and points the knife at me. “You said a few days ago that your own people aren’t very concerned with you. So you’re not a very high profile prisoner, are you? Certainly not as high profile as, say, Clarke Griffen?”

“Certainly not.” I say. “Clarke leads the Skaikru. No one is as high profile as her.”

“It seems like everyone might be more high profile than you, Y/N of the Sky People.” The Queen observes. “But I highly doubt that our Commander would bring you on such an important mission as this.” She looks down the sight of the knife at me. “Convincing the Clans to agree to let Skaikru join the coalition. Now that’s going to be a feat.”

“I don’t know anything about that.” I try to shake my head, but I can’t. The Queen scoffs, and before I can blink, her knife is in my side. I scream and look down, the knife hilt-deep in my side. The Queen walks over, puts one hand on the back of my neck, and grasps the hilt with the other, shoving the knife even deeper into my stomach. She leans in so her lips are right next to my ear.

“Do you know anything now?” She whispers. Before I can answer, an arrow hits the ground to my right, threading the needle through the small gap between my body and the body of the Azgeda queen. Slowly, the Azgeda queen pulls away from me, taking the knife with her. I let out a scream as the knife slices my flesh a second time, relief flooding through me as soon as the blade is free. The Queen turns toward the origin of the arrow, holding the knife in front of her. I look up to see Lexa standing on a rock at the edge of the center circle, Indra next to her holding a bow. Indra lowers the bow as Lexa raises her sword.

“Let her go, Nia.” Lexa commands, her voice steady but scared. The smile on the Queen’s face grows to spread over her entire face.

“Commander!” The Queen calls. “Good of you to join us this time! You’ll be able to see first hand what I do to the people you admire.”

“This isn’t going to be like last time, Nia. You will release Y/N kom Skaikru, or you will die. And I will kill anyone that stands in my way until your people remember that I am their Commander, not you.”

“Have you forgotten your lesson already, Lexa?” The Queen starts to walk closer to me, keeping the knife trained on Lexa. “I might have to repeat it.” The Azgeda queen stands behind me, the pole between us, and she grabs my hair to pull my head up. Then she holds the knife to my throat, pressing the tip of the blade into my skin. I feel my blood trickling down my neck. Above us, Lexa visibly stiffens. She jumps from the rock into the circle with us. I hear the clink of metal and Roan steps into my view, his sword up. The Queen holds out a hand to stop him.

“Fight me, Nia.” Lexa’s voice is dripping with fire, rage, and fear. “Or I will cut you down without a sword in your hand like the coward you are.”

“But I need a little more time with Y/N.” The Queen twists the tip of the knife a little deeper into my skin. “My son will fight for me.” At those words, Roan leaps forward and his sword clashes with Lexa’s with a reverberating clang. The Queen quickly comes to stand in front of me, blocking my view of Roan and Lexa. “How have you captured our Commander’s heart so, triklama?” The Queen takes the knife and cuts open my shirt from the neck down. Then she slides the knife over my stomach using the flat edge.

“Might as well kill me,” I tell her, the metallic taste of blood finding its way into my mouth. “Because Lexa is going to kill your son, and then she’s going to kill you.”

“But see, that’s the question, isn’t it?” The smile on the Queen’s face is unnatural. She brings the knife up to the top of my sternum, presses the tip down, and slides the knife down my body. “Why would she kill the Queen of the Asgeda Nation and her heir… for you?”

“I don’t know!” I say through gritted teeth, pain rocketing through my ribcage. “Do you really think the Commander would tell me anything of value?”

“Nia!” Lexa calls out. The Queen rolls her eyes and turns around slowly. I catch a glimpse of Lexa as she turns, her sword in her hand, covered in blood, and a murderous look in her eye. I glance down and see Roan dead at her feet.

“No!” The Queen yells loudly. One of the Asgeda warriors runs out and hands her a sword of her own. The Queen immediately rushes Lexa, swinging her sword. The Queen is no match for the Commander, though, as her emotions are high and she isn’t thinking logically. Lexa dodges the Queen’s swing and brings her sword straight through the Queen’s stomach. The older woman stops mid run, dropping to the sword and falling to the ground. Lexa stands over the dead Queen’s body and raises her sword and voice.

“Azgeda!” She yells. “Your Queen is dead! Your heir is dead! I am your Commander! You will bow to me! Stand behind me, or be exiled from our lands!” Immediately a swarm of Ice Nation warriors move to stand behind Lexa. She watches them with a stern look before nodding her approval. “Dismissed!” As soon as she dismisses the warriors, Lexa rushes to me, cutting me down from the pole and catching me as I fall. “Y/N!” She says, her tone breathy and worried. She runs a hand over my torso, tears in her eyes. “Stay with me, Y/N, please.”

“Lexa,” I murmur, trying to keep from blacking out.

“No, don’t talk. You’re going to be okay, I promise you that.” The last thing I see is Lexa, a tear falling from her face, silently begging me to stay with her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wake up looking at a ton of canvas with a searing pain in my side. I take a quick, deep, inhale of breath as I sit up, my hand going to my side. There’s a blanket of pelts covering me, and I’m alone in a large tent. I throw the pelts off of me and swing my legs over the side of the cot, trying to stand. As I try to straighten my legs I crumple, and fall back on the bed.

“Y/N!” I turn my head and see Lexa coming through the entrance to the tent. She’s dressed in plain clothes and without her armor for once. She throws down her bow and a rabbit and rushes to my bedside. “You shouldn’t be up yet.”

“I’m fine, Lexa,” I say, but I can barely get the words out without needing to pause and take a breath.

“You don’t look fine,” Lexa whispers, gently maneuvering me to lay back on the bed. I don’t fight her too much as she pulls the covers over me.

“You’re right, I’m not.” I say, pulling the furs to my chin. “What happened? How long have I been laying here? What’s going on with Azgeda?”

“I think you should rest, Y/N,” she says quietly, but I shake my head.

“Please, Lexa, just tell me what happened.” She looks in my eyes, searching. Then she sighs and sits on the bed next to me, her hand resting on my leg.

“After I got you down from that post, you blacked out. I brought you here, to the village I grew up in, as it was the closest, and sent my fastest rider to get Abby. She came and got you taken care of. But you’ve been out of it for a few weeks.”

“I’ll be okay, though?” I ask.

“You’ll be perfect.” Lexa smiles. “As for Azgeda, about half of their warriors are moving to other Clans. The other half is electing a new leader within the next few weeks. I need to be there to oversee that. They’d also like you to come if you’re feeling up for it. They want to honor you as an apology for what Nia did.”

“I’ll be up for it.” I nod. “If you want me to go with you, I will go with you.”

“I would really enjoy your company, Y/N.”

“Then it’s settled. I’ll get you up and about, starting tomorrow,” she adds, seeing me move to take the furs off. “Rest today, and tomorrow I’ll get you out of the bed and moving around.” I nod and settle back into the bed. There’s silence between the two of us for a few minutes. I tilt my head to look at Lexa’s face.

“Hey, is something else on your mind?” I ask. Lexa looks over at me, studying me. Then she sighs.

“Y/N, when I came to Azgeda to get you, I was seething.” She speaks quietly, but with great conviction. “I’ve only been angry like that at one other time in my life.” Lexa looks down at her hand on my leg, then quickly takes it away. “When I first became Commander, Nia kidnapped my first love. Her name was Costia, and she was tortured because the Ice Queen thought she would know my secrets. She ended up dying because I couldn’t get to her quickly enough.”

“Lexa, I’m sorry,” I whisper, reaching out for her. She hesitates, but she takes my hand. I squeeze it to comfort her. “That must have been so painful.”

“Yeah,” she sighs, absent-mindedly running her thumb along my hand. “I loved her more than anything, and Nia took her from me in just a matter of moments. And I didn’t realize that I would feel the same way about you being gone until you were. Gone, that is.” I stay quiet as I let my mind digest her words. Lexa looks down at me and then immediately tries to get up. I squeeze tighter on her hand and pull, bringing her back to the bed.

“Lexa, look at me,” I say quietly. She hesitates, but she looks from my hand, up my arm, and finally stops at my face. I lower my voice even more. “Love isn’t a weakness, Lexa. It’s a strength. It gives you something to fight for.”

“Y/N,” Lexa shakes her head, but I squeeze her hand again.

“You created the Coalition to protect your people. All of your people. You did that because you love them. Loving one person is just a different kind of strength.” Lexa holds my gaze, and I can see her thinking.

“I’m scared to love you,” she mumbles almost incoherently. I take a moment to pull myself into a sitting position to get closer to her. I reach out with my free hand and cup her cheek, swiping my finger across her cheek.

“I know you are,” I whisper back. “But you don’t have to be afraid with me. I’m not going anywhere, Lexa. You killed Nia, and now you have all the time in the world to train me to protect myself so that I’m not completely useless when you’re not there.” Lexa nods slowly.

“And Indra.” She whispers. “She’ll find you some amazing bodyguards.” I laugh, and that makes Lexa smile.

“Alright, get out of here.” I say, letting my hand run down her neck and chest. “Let me rest. Then tomorrow, we can start my training.”

“With just some walking.” Lexa says, lifting my hand to her lips and placing a kiss on my fingers before standing from the bed. “I’ll give you a tour of my home village.”

“Sounds lovely.” I grab the furs and pull them over me as I lay down again. “I look forward to it.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over the next several weeks, Lexa and I spend every moment together. In the beginning she walks me around her village, telling me stories of her time here before she was claimed as a Natblida. Then, after I can stand and walk on my own, she starts to very slowly teach me the basics of combat. I like using daggers and the staff most, which Lexa likes. We practice the moves she teaches me side by side, laughing the whole time.

At night Lexa sleeps in my bed with me, but she’s barely touched me. I mean, she wraps her arms around me and we snuggle, but we haven’t slept together. I think about it sometimes when we’re training or when I’m laying awake in bed. It’s slow, and I know Lexa needs her own pace, but I worry a little that she’s just not that into me.

Two months after I wake up, I’m riding with Lexa and a small command up to Troit, the Ice Nation’s capitol, to oversee their election of their new King or Queen. I ride next to Lexa, quietly listening to her talk about how the Clans came to be after the bombs fell. It’s almost a week of riding in the day, training into the night, and cold nights. When we reach Troit, the Ice Nation attempts to split us up and give Lexa her own tent, but they backtrack pretty quickly when Lexa threatens to chop their balls off. She takes my hand and leads me to the gigantic tent.

“I’ve got a surprise for you,” she says once we’re inside the tent, turning to face me. “So don’t get comfortable in here. I’ve got to pick up a few things, and then we’re heading out.” She tugs on my hand and pulls me close. “I know there’s been some distance. I think I know what it’s about, and this ride will fix that.” Lexa reaches up and tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “Can you trust me?”

“Of course, Lexa.” I nod, offering her a smile. I can’t be mad at her. “Do we need the horses? I can brush them off while you’re… doing whatever it is that you need to do.”

“That would be great.” Lexa smiles back and leans in, placing a soft, gentle kiss on my cheek. I smile and squeeze her hand before heading out of the tent.

I take my time brushing off Osleya and Gona, going to the well to get some water to cool them off. Once they’re clean, fed, and watered, I’ve got some extra time waiting for Lexa, so I start to braid Osleya’s mane. I’ve finished her mane and tail and am finishing up braiding Gona’s tail when Lexa comes back.

“How cute,” she says, gently placing her bundle of things on the ground.

“I had some extra time,” I shrug. “It might not be very manly for a stallion, but I think it makes him look good.”

“He does look good.” Lexa says, coming to stand next to me. I tie off his tail and turn to her.

“Are you ready to go?”

“What about his mane?” She asks, looking over at it. “We can’t leave him unfinished.” Lexa grabs my hand and brings me to Gona’s head. She leaves me near his withers while she starts at his ears. I start braiding, occasionally glancing over at Lexa with a smile. Once Gona is fully braided, I go to mount up. Lexa bends down and holds out her hands, waiting for me to use her as a boost. I look down at her and have to catch my breath. Lexa is looking up at me as if I’m the only thing she sees. I bite my lip as I lift my leg and Lexa grabs it, hoisting me onto Osleya’s back.

Lexa takes a few minutes to put the things that she brought with her onto Gona’s rear before getting on his back. Then we head out of Troit and into the forest.

Lexa leads us far into the forest, and it’s late afternoon by the time she stops the horses. She’s found a truly beautiful spot on a cliff overlooking a large crater. She dismounts and comes over to Osleya, holding out a hand for me. I take it and hop off my horse, tripping a little. Lexa doesn’t hesitate in catching me.

“Be careful,” she says. “You’re too beautiful to be injured.”

“Lexa,” I let out a little laugh, looking into her eyes for a moment before diverting my gaze. “That’s sweet.”

“Thank you.” Lexa leans in and kisses my cheek. “Give me a minute to set this up, okay? Don’t look.” I nod and turn to pet Oselya’s neck. She walks around, and I can hear her setting things up. After a few minutes, I feel Lexa’s arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder. “Okay, come on.” She tugs gently on my waist, and I allow her to lead me to the cliff. She’s laid out a nicely woven blanket and a few wooden plates with food. There are also two things wrapped in more woven blankets. The entire scene is wrapped in a sky that continues to grow darker and stars shining brighter.

“Lexa, this is really cute.” I say, looking back at her. “This is a lot, you didn’t have to do all this.”

“Yes, I did.” She insists, walking out from behind me and taking a seat. She points to the spot across from her. “That’s yours, Y/N.” She teases me. I smirk and take the spot, popping a piece of apple into my mouth.

“So what’s all this, Lex?” I ask, raising my eyebrows at the wrapped things. Lexa reaches over and grabs the smaller block, handing it to me.

“Open it.” She says. I take the blanket and throw it open. Inside are two daggers, the hilts made from bone and etched with words in Trigedasleng, gold inlay in where the hilt meets the blade.

“Lexa,” I gasp, taking one of the blades in my hands. “These are gorgeous.”

“I’m getting you some sheaths made, they just weren’t ready.” Lexa says sheepishly. I reach out and take her hand.

“They’re perfect, Lex.” I assure her. “They don’t need the sheaths to make them perfect.”

“I mean, they do.” Lexa laughs. “They aren’t very useful if you don’t have anywhere to hold them.” She flicks her eyes up to me. “I like it when you call me Lex.” She whispers.

“I’m glad you like it.” I whisper back. Lexa smiles, and I see her eyes flick down to my lips for a split second before they pop back up. When she notices me looking, she looks at the second wrapped thing. She reaches over and grabs it, handing it to me.

“This one next.”

“Alright.” I take the blanket off to reveal a wooden staff, etched with even more words in Trigedasleng. The middle is thinner than the ends for where my hand needs to sit, and that part in general is longer than it usually is, with black fabric tied around the ends, leaving just enough room for my hand. “Lexa…”

“I made the staff myself, etching the words into it took forever, and the fabric I cut from my favorite shirt, but… Do you like it?” I look up to see a worried look on Lexa’s face. I set the staff down and push the plates out of the way so I can scoot closer to her. I take her face gently in my hands.

“Lexa, I love it.” I say. “They’re the best gifts I’ve ever received.” Her eyes flick down again, and they stay longer this time. When she looks at me again, she doesn’t look away. We stare at each other for a few seconds before she leans in and kisses me. She’s soft and unsure at first, but when my grip tightens slightly on her face, she gets more aggressive. She presses her lips more forcefully against mine and inches closer, putting her hand on my waist. I slide my hand down her face and arm, grabbing onto her wrist and pulling her on top of me as I lay down on the ground. Lexa throws a leg over me and uses her hands to pin mine above my head.

“This is okay with you?” She asks quietly. I’m almost speechless as she looks down at me, her long brown hair falling from her face.

“Absolutely,” I say breathlessly. “More than okay.” Lexa smiles and leans down, her lips connecting to the skin on my neck. I lean my head back, exposing the skin on my neck even more to her. Lexa seems to enjoy this, maneuvering her hands so my hands are trapped with just one of hers, moving her now free hand to grab my neck and move my head even more.

Lexa attaches her lips so hard to my neck I thought for a moment she was going to suck out my carotid. But it feels so good, and I let out a loud moan. Lexa lets go of my neck and slides her hand down my body, grabbing desperately at my breast. I moan again and arch my back, pushing my breast into her hand.

“Lex,” I moan, twisting my body to try and get my hands free from her grasp. “Please… oh, that feels so good…” Lexa pulls down my shirt from the neck and cups my bare breast in her hand, massaging the tissue, her palm rubbing on my nipple. I raise my leg and brush my knee up against Lexa’s inner thigh, causing her to bite down on my skin. I let out a loud gasp and jerk slightly. Lexa lets go of my neck and hands and uses the ground to push away from me.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” She asks quietly, concerned. I reach up and take her face in my hands again, directing her to look at me.

“You could never hurt me, Lex.” I tell her. “Never, ever. That was all pleasure, I promise.” I pull her face back down to mine and kiss her. She doesn’t take any more convincing and kisses me back. Lexa rests herself on her legs and pulls her shirt over her head, tossing it to the side. My heart races as her breasts press against my body, and all I wish for is for my shirt to be gone, too.

My wish comes true quickly, as Lexa pulls me up by the neckline of my shirt to rip it off me. She tosses my shirt next to hers and presses me back to the ground, her chest pressed against mine. My hardened nipples brush against her ribcage as she lowers her body onto mine. Her hand finds its way back to my breast and I moan into our kiss.

“Y/N, I need to take off your pants,” Lexa says through labored breathing. She doesn’t even wait for me to respond before her hands unbutton and unzip my pants. Her hand dips inside of them and runs over my slit, greedy and wanting. I buck my hips, begging her for more. She struggles a little against the denim, so I lift my hips and strip them off my legs, afterwards returning my hands to her hips. Lexa doesn’t waste any time inserting a finger inside of me, sliding down to her last knuckle. She doesn’t come across any resistance, as I’m wetter than I’ve ever been.

“More,” I beg her, sliding my hands up her back and coming up on her shoulders. “I need more of you.”

“Granted.” She says as she inserts a second finger inside of me, curling inside of me to hit a spot that no one has reached before.

“Lex!” I cry, digging my nails into her shoulders. Lexa jams her fingers even deeper inside me then I knew they could go, feverishly pumping in and out of me. I break our kiss and drag her further on top of me, pressing my forehead into the crook of her shoulder. Lexa takes the opportunity to find the spot where my neck connects to my jaw and sucks at it, flicking her tongue over the spot.

Lexa stops pumping her fingers inside of me, using her thumb to rub my clit. She somehow knows just the right amount of pressure to get me to the edge without throwing me over. I cling even more tightly to Lexa and nuzzle into her neck, my mouth open but unable to make any noise. Lexa releases my neck and kisses towards my ear, nibbling on my earlobes before whispering sweet things into my ear.

“You’re so wet, Y/N,” she whispers, her thumb caressing my nerves. “And the way you say my name takes me to the stars!”

“Lex,” I bend my head up to say her name directly toward her ear. “Lex, your fingers fit perfectly inside me, I love how you fuck me!” Lexa grabs my earlobe with her teeth and growls, curling her fingers inside of me. I gasp and bring my hips up. Lexa increases the rate at which she circles my clit and I feel myself building. The volume of my moans start to increase and I thread my fingers through Lexa’s hair. “Lex,” my voice is breathy and eager, and I try my best to continue saying her name through my pants of pleasure. My chest rises without falling, gasps getting caught in my throat.

Lexa lets out a loud exhale as I release on her fingers, some of my release sliding past her digits and dripping onto the blanket beneath us. I quake underneath her, grinding my hips into her fingers to ride out my high. I slide my hands down her back and place them on the ground for support and gently push myself up. Lexa tries to take her fingers out of me to help me up, but I reach a hand out to stop her, sitting the rest of the way up with her fingers still inside me.

“I need you inside me, Lex,” I whisper, straddling her and leaning down to whisper into her ear, wrapping my arms around her neck. I place kisses along her jaw to her lips, then place a kiss on her lips. Lexa’s free hand grips my hip and pulls me closer, my hips grinding on her fingers. I pull back a little to look at her, and I see the entire galaxy sparkling in her eyes. She looks up at me, and I see longing, desperation, and… love. I smile. I reach down and unbutton her pants. Lexa’s eyes flicker down for just a moment, but when they come back up to meet mine, I see excitement, too.

I take that look as an invitation and raise myself off of her fingers, my slick sticking to her. Lexa excitedly kicks her pants off and pulls me on top of her, grabbing my face with both hands to kiss me and bringing her legs up on either side of my body. I lower myself onto her and move my hands down her body, spreading her legs apart. Then I drag my body down hers, trailing kisses down Lexa’s body as her breathing starts to get heavier. I hold Lexa’s legs open as I dip my head.

As soon as my tongue slides between her folds, the moans come out of Lexa’s mouth. She slides her hands onto my head and grips my hair between her fingers. She pushes my head down as she pushes her hips into my lips. I dig my nails into the insides of her thighs and drag the flat edge of my tongue over Lexa’s clit. When Lexa starts to grind her pussy on me I take a hand and insert two fingers inside her.

“Y/N…!” Lexa gasps, head rolling back. “Don’t stop!” She spreads her legs farther apart, providing a wider area for me. In response, I add a third finger inside her to really stretch her out. Lexa gasps again as I start to pump my fingers fast. My tongue swirls around her clit as I can feel it swell on my tongue. I moan into her pussy as I feel her arousal coat my lips and chin, curling my fingers inside of Lexa to feel her nerves from the inside.

Without warning, Lexa screams, tightening her grip on my hair and releasing herself all over my face. I take my fingers out of her and open my mouth, covering her entire pussy with my lips and sliding my tongue up and down her folds.

Lexa is quick to  pull me back on top of her, sitting up and dragging me into position with her strong arms. She places me on her thigh and digs her own thigh into my pussy before placing her lips on mine.

Lexa takes command moving our bodies on each other, my pussy dragging along her thigh. The feeling of my slick on her thigh is bursting my brain as Lexa pushes her tongue past my lips to dance with mine. I taste her aggressively, entangling my fingers in her hair. I grind my hips into her thigh in a desperate attempt to be as close to her as I possibly can get.

“Y/N,” Lexa gasps into our kiss and squirts all over my thigh. Her release on my skin makes me hot and I start to grind harder and faster. I break apart from Lexa and gasp as I release on her thigh, Lexa coming in and kissing my bottom lip as I shake on her leg.

As my orgasm comes to an end, my heart rate starts to come down, and my breathing slows, I hold Lexa’s face. Her hands fall on my waist and she smiles at me, a smile that reaches her eyes. “You’re beautiful, Y/N,” she whispers, her fingers tracing small, short lines across my back.

“This isn’t the last time we do this,” I whisper back to her. “It can’t be. You might not be ready to love anyone, but I am. And I want you, Lexa.”

“I am ready.” She insists. “I realized it when you were taken by Azgeda. And I promised myself that if I was able to get you back, I was never going to let you go again.” A smile spreads across my face and I lean down and kiss her again, soft, gentle, and mindful. Lexa and I gently fall back to the ground and stay in each other’s arms for hours.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Three Months Later

Lexa’s P.O.V.

I stand in front of Clarke, Finn, and Abby in my throne room, staring at them with my warpaint over my eyes. After a few seconds, Irgi steps through the door to my right, followed by the four Skaikru people I had been holding hostage. Irgi leads them to Clarke and undoes their restraints.

“You’ve been accepted by the Clans as the thirteenth Clan.” I say, looking directly at Clarke. “You will be expected to live by the same rules as the rest of the Clans, including forfeiting all guns in favor of swords, staffs, and bow and arrows. Irgi and Indra will be traveling back to Arkadia with you, as well as a group of our warriors, to make sure these weapons are not hidden and are indeed disposed of.”

“That isn’t fair,” Clarke shakes her head, taking a step forward. “None of us know-”

“The Clans aren’t familiar with your weapons, and you are becoming one with us, not the other way around.” I stare Clarke down. “You will have to learn to use our weapons. Do not be a problem, and you will have decades to learn.” I turn to the four Skaikru I released. “Here are your people. It would be best if you take them and leave.” I turn to Abby. “Your new age medicine will eventually run out. If you would like to learn our medicine for when you no longer have the things from space to rely on, feel free to come back to Polis and learn from our medicine workers.”

“Thank you,” Abby says, nodding. “I most certainly will.” I nod and turn to head back to my throne, take a seat, and stare at the group with nothing in my eyes.

“Time for you to go.” I wave my hand toward the door. The group starts to leave, but Clarke stops after a few steps and turns back to me.

“Hold on… what about Y/N? Where is she?”

“She’s gone.” I say simply. Clarke opens her mouth to speak, but closes it pretty quickly and exits my throne room quickly, the door shoving heavily behind her.

I wait for a few hours after Skaikru leaves Polis before I leave as well, saddling up Gona and tearing off through the trees. I gallop all the way through the forest back to my home village, pulling Gona to a stop in the middle of the village. I hop off his back and walk towards a large tent, the villagers calling out to me as I walk past. I smile and wave at all of them, but I’m walking with a purpose.

About halfway to my intended tent, the flap opens and out steps the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She’s leading a few of the village children out of our tent; they come to her for stories about space. When the last of the kids scurry away, the woman looks up. She sees me and smiles with her teeth, running towards me. I open my arms and she jumps in them. I wrap my arms around her ass and twirl her as our lips meet. I set her down and give her a few more quick pecks before pulling away to look in her eyes.

“Y/N,” I say, my heart beating rapidly with excitement. “My love. I’ve missed you while I’ve been away.”

“I’ve missed you too, Lex.” She whispers, wrapping her arms around me tightly and laying her head on my chest. “I hate it when I can’t be with you.”

“Skaikru has left.” I assure her. “You can come back to Polis with me anytime.”

You stood just inside the door. Inside, not outside, where you'd normally be stationed. You hadn’t moved since the goblet slipped from your grasp and clattered against the stone, crimson wine pooling like fresh blood beneath your boots.

“You’re injured.”

Her voice didn’t rise above a whisper, but the command in it was unmistakable. Her eyes flicked down to your hands, lingering on the red slice along your knuckles.

You straightened, ignoring the sting.

“It’s nothing. Surface cut.”

Lexa stepped closer. Not close enough to touch. Not close enough to let herself feel.

“You shouldn’t have stepped in front of me like that.”

You smiled, dry and tired. “Wasn’t a choice, Leksa.”

Her jaw tensed. She tilted her head slightly, voice more steel than silk now.

“Everything is a choice.”

“Not when it comes to you,” you said, softer than you meant to. The words left your mouth like a secret begging not to be kept.

A silence bloomed in the space between you.

Lexa’s eyes darkened—not with anger, but with something far more dangerous: vulnerability. She turned from you, footsteps silent as she moved toward the map table, her shoulders taut beneath her armor. Her back to you. Her walls back up.

You could have let the moment go. Let it bleed out quietly like so many before it. But there was something inside you—wild, desperate, shaking against the bars of its cage—that refused to stay silent.

“You want honesty?” you asked. Your voice trembled, pulled from the part of you you always kept locked away. “I didn’t do it because you’re Heda. I did it because you’re Leksa. Because I’d rather bleed out in the dirt than watch you fall.”

Her shoulders stiffened, her grip tightening on the edge of the table. Her breath hitched. She didn’t turn.

“You shouldn’t say things like that,” she murmured. “Not to me.”

“Why not?”

“Because I might believe you.”

She turned then. Slowly. Her face unreadable—but her eyes, her eyes burned.

The candlelight flickered over her features, softening the sharp angles. It caught in the strands of her hair, highlighting the curve of her cheekbone, the small scar along her collar, the vulnerability she was trying to bury.

“Do you?” you asked.

Lexa held your gaze.

“I do.”

She crossed the space between you—one step, two. Her armor brushed yours, your arms barely touching. Close enough to feel the heat of her breath. Close enough to hear her heart racing if the silence stretched long enough.

“You see too much,” she whispered. “You feel too much. And I—”

She stopped.

So you said it for her.

“And you’re afraid.”

She looked down, lashes lowering over her eyes like a curtain. Her voice nearly cracked.

“Yes.”

You reached out. Took her hand. Slowly. Deliberately. She didn’t pull away.

“So am I,” you said. “But I’d rather be afraid with you than numb without you.”

Her hand tightened in yours.

And then—then—she kissed you.

Not like Heda. Not like a warrior. Not like a ruler bound in duty.

She kissed you like Lexa. Like a girl who had fought so hard to be strong for everyone else, and finally, finally let herself want something for her.

Her lips met yours with trembling urgency—soft but desperate. A promise wrapped in ache. Her fingers threaded into your hair, not to pull you closer, but to ground herself, like she wasn’t sure she’d be able to stand without you.

You kissed her back with every truth you couldn’t say aloud.

And when the kiss broke, she didn’t step away.

She stayed, forehead resting against yours.

“If I ask you to stay… not as Heda, but as me… would you?”

“Always,” you whispered.

---

The sun split the cloud cover like a blade, slicing the sky into strips of cold light. Polis had awakened with purpose—merchants calling out their wares, temple bells chiming in ritual rhythm, and warriors already bruising the sand in choreographed violence.

You moved through the compound like you always did: armor laced tight, weapons balanced, expression set. But the world felt different. Like something had clicked into place beneath your skin. Not peace. Not yet. But quiet.

The quiet of knowing someone saw you.

Last night lived just beneath the surface of your skin: Lexa’s hands on your cheeks, the press of her lips, the way she had trembled. The way she had looked at you like a person—not a sword, not a protector. Just you.

Your fingers brushed your lips without thinking.

On the training grounds, chaos reigned. Gona shouted. Blades clashed. Dust kicked up in the ring. You moved through it with precision, but you didn’t feel the usual weight.

You felt watched.

And then you were.

Lexa stood across the yard. Armor sharp. Paint perfect. Hair braided tight. Heda again.

Except… her eyes flicked to you.

Just once.

But it landed like a knife pressed gently to your sternum. Not a threat. A promise.

You locked it down. You couldn’t afford to be vulnerable—not here. Not in front of her generals.

The war bell rang. Sparring began.

Indra approached. “You’re against the new seken,” she grunted.

You nodded, stepping into the circle. The seken smirked like she already saw your blood on her hands. But you already knew her tells. Her weak leg. Her off-balance stance. She was cocky. You were carved from steel.

Across the yard, Lexa lingered. Watching.

Your opponent lunged. You didn’t think. You moved.

Block. Parry. Pivot. Strike.

Her arm glanced off your ribs. You twisted, countered, drove her back into the sand.

“You're holding back,” Indra snapped.

Maybe. Maybe not. You were distracted.

With the memory of Lexa’s voice, raw with emotion.

Stay.

You wiped sweat from your brow with a cloth—her cloth, the one stained with black blood from the night before. A talisman. A reminder.

You caught Lexa’s gaze again. Longer this time.

There it was.

That flicker of a smile. Subtle. Private. Real.

Your heart slammed against your ribs as you dropped your opponent and turned before you could do something foolish. Like smile back.

When the session ended, the warriors began to disperse, but Lexa made her way across the field. Every step calculated. Every gaze followed her like shadow.

She stopped beside you, close enough to share breath.

“You fought differently today,” she said, voice low.

“Sha. I had an audience.”

Your voice was dry. Controlled. But your stomach flipped like a coin.

“I meant what I said,” she murmured. “Last night.”

You risked a glance. Her eyes met yours. A flicker of pink rose to her cheeks.

Before you could answer, Titus called her back.

You didn’t bother hiding your glare.

Lexa smirked, amused. Her fingers brushed yours as she turned—not enough for anyone to notice.

But enough for you to feel.

Like a spark.

her tongue was oh so mean but you knew the sweetness of her lips. her ridicules were cruel yet you knew they meant absolute nothings causing a cocky chuckle to escape your lips. her radiant eyes glared at you, standing up from her chair and leaning onto the table with her strong arms that give the warmest hugs, “what’s so funny hm?” she spoke with a venomous tone. “oh nothing love, absolutely nothing.” you responded, a smile plastered on your face knowing the effects of that nickname on her. she sat back down, staring at your calm figure while she was about to burst into fumes of frustrations.

after the meeting you head to your room for a moment of silence after that disgrace of an afternoon spent. however, lexa came practically crashing down your door with violent knocks. “god give me a second.” you called out which only resulted in even more aggressive knocks. “yes??”you asked once you finally opened the door she was banging down on. she seemed disheveled, an odd occasion. “come here.” she mumbled before grabbing your face and pulling you in for a kiss. you stumbled back out of shock but ease into the heavenly feel. you let her in and kick the door shut, guiding her towards your bed. as you crash landed onto the bed, she fell into your lap beginning to attack your neck. marks scattered across your chest, each given a single kiss for good measure.

suddenly, you flip her over, laying over the top of her. you stared into each others eyes for moments, lost in the beauty of the other. your lips collided once again, drawing a soft sigh of relief from lexa. your hands explored from her chest to her scalp, running your hands through her gorgeous strands. everything felt perfect in that moment. you pulled away reluctantly as if you were being forced by a magnetic storm. your eyes locked together once again. you could get drunk on her stupidly cute face and annoyingly perfect personality.

———

the next morning you had to prepare for an announcement being made to the people. you got dressed and left to go the arranged meeting spot. abruptly someone tackled you into the walls of the polis tower, a soft groan leaving your lips as you impacted into the wall harshly. “sorry baby.” that familiar voice whispered, “i just wanted to see my work.” she stated, gently pulling down on your shirt. your chest was covered in her work, tens of hickeys. a proud smirk displayed on her gorgeous face. “i’ll see you down at the meeting place, yea?” she questioned. “yeah, you will.” you responded and with that she left with a gentle kiss to your cheek.

———

the area was crowded with grounders, barely any personal space could be seen for tens of meters. after confirming with everyone about her statement, lexa walked up to the announcement post. she looked so beautiful that you couldn’t even focus on her words, you were enamoured with her. she spoke with such dedication and respect for our people, something you greatly admired about her. her face was illuminated in the morning light, revealing her angelic features even further. the way her eyes lit up when she was passionate, how her cheekbones connected, the sharpness of her jaw and just how smooth those charming lips of hers that held the snarkiest tongue when needed. you were practically giving her the heart eyes. as she stepped down from the announcement post she noticed your loving gaze and a small blush crept up her stunning face however her eyes turned to disdain when she realised you were in public.

a spiteful smile was sent your way in the name of your hateful relationship in the public eye. in response you sent the dirtiest look you could muster while being head over heels in love with her.

———

it was around early mid day when you returned to polis tower and you craved the comfort of lexa’s arms. you dragged your feet over to her room where you had been informed of her where abouts. two gentle knocks against the wooden door, and in an instant she was there. she invited you in and in no time you retreated to her bed. her sheets surrounding you and all you could smell was her. her subtle floral tones combined with deep earthy notes filling you with warmth and security. the bed creaked with the incoming extra weight of her joining you on the bed, her arms winding around you to enclose you in her embrace. so heavenly. so cozy. so perfect.

the tension in the public is all a ruse, part of the facade to keep the peace in your relationship.

authors note : i wrote this with hozier and cigs after sex in the background so i believe this is heavily influenced by that. also the start has a SLIGHT reference to ‘angel of small death and the codeine scene’. anyways hope you enjoyed and requests are open as alwayysss!

Lexa fell into the role of Commander as if it were her birthright, which I suppose in a way it was.

Nothing fazed her, not the meeting on meeting that filled her days, or the responsibilities now weighing on her shoulders, or even the expectations everyone in the city had for her to be as great a Commander as the last one. She took it all in her stride, performing her duties the best she could. I couldn't have been prouder.

Working with her only made things better for us, since I wasn't sure I'd have seen her as much if I didn't. She was always busy, but she always made time for me. Though she had Titus to go to for guidance, she would still confide in me, a habit I was sure would be difficult to break. I, of course, offered all the help I could. Leading was important to her and she was important to me. What more was there?

It didn't make a difference to me, but clearly Titus thought more of it than I realised. It was a few months into Lexa's new role when he thought to bring it up to me. I was bringing a tray of mine and Lexa's dinner to her quarters one evening, the two of us having planned to eat together, when I saw Titus approaching me in the hall.

"Y/N," he acknowledged with a curt nod and narrowed eyes. "May I speak with you?"

"Right now?" I asked, lifting a brow and glancing at the tray in my hand.

"It won't be long," he assured me, barely giving me chance to reply before he continued, "It's about you and Lexa."

"What about us?"

He seemed mildly irritated as he spoke, "I know that you're a big part of her life, but in the past, you've happened to keep your distance. Now that she's Heda, I expect it to stay that way. No distractions."

I furrowed my brows with confusion. "I'm sorry, I don't follow..."

He tensed his jaw, lowering his voice. "I'm not blind, Y/N. I see the way you care for her."

"Yeah, she's my best friend," I remind him, though a small part of me was nervous at what he was implying.

He wasn't stupid, instead rolling his eyes at my response. "Be sure to keep it that way."

I swallowed hard. "That all?"

"That's all," he said with a hint of annoyance, before walking past me.

My fingers gripped the tray with frustration as I kept walking to Lexa's room. How could he know of my feelings for her? I kept them well hidden for many reasons. And even so, what did he expect from Lexa? To never fall in love? Be married to her work? That was preposterous.

Admittedly, his words had more of an effect on me than I thought, rattling around my brain as I joined Lexa in her quarters.

"...are you alright?" she asked me after accepting her dinner. "You seem distracted."

I blinked, meeting her eyes. It would have been easy to tell her that Titus was being confrontational and rude for no reason. One word and she'd boot him out, no questions asked. But as much as I hated him, he was somewhat good for her, having guided the previous Commander too. Lexa couldn't do this alone, she needed someone with experience. Experience I didn't have. Stirring discontent between them would be for nothing other than a personal vendetta, and a worthless one at that.

No, I couldn't do that.

"Sorry, it's just been a long day," I lied, offering her a small smile. "Bit tired."

"Well, eat your dinner and you can go off to sleep," she said with a soft smile, patting my shoulder.

I nodded, putting her at ease enough for her to dig into her own dinner.

Truthfully, Titus had nothing to worry about. I was too cowardly to make a move anyway.

—

17 years old...

I should have known it would happen eventually. What was I to expect? That she'd stay single forever?

It didn't make it easier to deal with though, especially because the girl in question was absolutely lovely and I couldn't hate her for any reason other than she was with the girl I loved.

Lexa and I were returning to the Tower from a meeting she had at someone's house in the centre of the city when they met. It was a little busier than usual today because of some sales on produce nearby, so we were manoeuvring our way through the crowd. As we did, Lexa accidentally walked right into an oncoming girl, a bit too harshly than intended, and immediately went to apologise.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I–" she started, steadying the stranger, but she stopped short when she looked up.

"Oh, no, I'm sorry," the girl apologised, smiling softly, and then her eyes met Lexa's, animated and beautiful and captivating Lexa in an instant. "I should've watched where I was going."

I glanced at Lexa, who was entranced, expression softening and mouth slightly open.

"Who are you?" she asked without thinking. "I haven't see you here before."

"My name is Costia," the girl introduced herself, as captivated by Lexa as she was with her. "I'm from Floukru, but I moved here for a change."

Lexa smiled, putting out her forearm respectfully. "It's nice to meet you, Costia. I'm Lexa."

Costia returned her forearm shake, but then realisation crossed her expression. "Wait, Lexa as in Heda Lexa?"

She was about to kneel, but Lexa stopped her with a chuckle, certainly surprising me. She was already infatuated, it was obvious, and I felt uneasy.

"It's okay, there's no need for that," Lexa assured her with sparkling eyes.

Everything about the way she looked at her to the way she couldn't seem to remember I was even here irked me. She liked her, clearly, and I couldn't blame her. Costia was everything I wasn't. She had the complete opposite features to me, a delicate nature about her, and she wasn't afraid to make her attraction to Lexa obvious.

I gave them space, not that they noticed, and my suspicions were confirmed later that evening when Lexa gushed about her crush on this mystery girl, having asked her out when I left.

The jealousy was poisoning me, but I couldn't blame anyone except myself.

It didn't take long for them to officially get together, to my dismay. And because of this, it meant I spent less time with Lexa because she was spending most of her free time with Costia. Titus didn't take this new development any better than I, looking just as bitter as I felt, though for different reasons.

He made it known to me when we were both in the throne room one time, waiting on the side as Lexa had called us in for our counsel on something, but was first finishing her conversation with Costia. I avoided looking their way, resisting the urge to roll my eyes from nothing other than an innate and unfair jealousy. Titus, however, was glaring holes in their direction.

"I don't like this," he mumbled to me.

I sighed. "I bet."

At this, he tore his gaze from them to glare at me. "You weren't this bad."

"Gee, thanks."

He rolled his eyes. "Costia is going to be a massive distraction."

I glanced at him disapprovingly. "She won't. Lexa is happy. Leave her be."

As if annoyed that I didn't disapprove as he did, he scoffed quietly and crossed his arms, continuing to glare at them.

Unlike him, I couldn't hate on their relationship, not even because I was jealous. Costia was lovely, carefree, kind and she made Lexa happier than ever. Plus, she was nothing short of nice to me every time she saw me. How could I hate that?

—

I thought I was finally getting used to them together, but there were still times when I felt like I'd been replaced, as horribly selfish as it sounded.

With the intention of grabbing Lexa for a meeting, I let myself into her room as I always did, but realised she was sat on the bed and Costia was stood over her.

"Oh, sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," I said awkwardly, unsure what I was even interrupting.

As I backed up to leave, Costia stepped to the side to reveal Lexa with war paint swiped across her eyes.

"Doesn't she look daring?" Costia said with a proud smile, paint in her hand.

Despite the bittersweet feeling of it all, I couldn't help but smile at Lexa. "Of course."

Lexa returned my smile and stood up, before saying to Costia, "It was actually Y/N who first put this on for me. When we were kids. And then it just... stuck."

The memory was as fresh as ever, leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth. Oh, how things had changed since then.

"You had the right idea," Costia told me sweetly, before looking to Lexa with adoration. "It looks great."

I swallowed hard, forcing a smile. As they gazed at each other, I felt like a third wheel and decided to leave.

"What did you need, Y/N?" Lexa called before I could.

"Just grabbing you for the meeting, but I'll meet you in the throne room," I said nonchalantly.

She smiled, nodding. "Okay. See you in a minute."

Deflated, I left. Just another thing to get used to.

—

19 years old...

The scream was ear-piercing, strained with utter horror and ricocheting off the Tower walls. I woke with a fright, jumping out my skin. I didn't even need to be told – I knew who it was immediately and my heart squeezed into nothingness as I left my bed and hurried down the hall where Lexa's quarters were.

The guards that watched the halls were too slow for my liking, trailing behind me like lost lambs. I took the lead, concerned and confused and uneasy as I pushed her doors open. I feared what I'd find.

Lexa was who I saw first, on the floor in her nightgown as if she'd just gotten out of bed, leaning back on her hands and trembling so much I thought she'd shatter.

"Lexa!" I rushed to her side, kneeling down with worry. "What is it? What's wrong?"

In all my life, I'd never seen her afraid, not like this, and certainly not enough to elicit a scream like she had. What could it be?

I followed her tear-filled gaze, noticing a box at the foot of her bed. Reluctantly, I let go of her and approached the box, and it was a sight I'd never forget.

There sat Costia'a head, lifeless eyes forced open and fresh blood still staining her beheaded neck.

My hand came to my mouth immediately and I looked away, afraid I'd throw up if I didn't. I caught the glaring symbol on the inside of the box though – the symbol of Azgeda, Lexa's biggest enemy – and knew who was responsible.

The guards were just as taken aback as I was, freezing by the door when they noticed the head. Lexa's sobs pulled me from my momentary shock and I immediately looked to the guards with as much confidence as I could muster. They couldn't see their Commander falter like this, not if I could help it.

"What are you waiting for?!" I shouted at them. "Remove this now!" As they jumped at my words, and eventually into action, I continued, "And find out who broke in here last night! Up the security!"

They nodded frantically, carefully taking the box out of there and leaving Lexa and I alone. I returned to her side, where she was still staring at the spot where the box was, glassy eyes widened with horror.

"Lexa, I'm sorry," I said, pulling her in for a hug, hating the way she trembled. "I'm so sorry."

Her sobs were silenced in my shirt and she clutched me so tightly I was sure I'd have bruises, but I didn't care. I was still in utter shock, unable to believe Costia was dead at the hands of Azgeda. I knew we'd had tension with them for a while now, all because their queen didn't trust Lexa in power, but I never thought they'd stoop this low.

Costia deserved better... so did Lexa.

—

She wasn't the same after that. I couldn't blame her. Finding someone you loved, beheaded, at the foot of your bed? When you'd only just kissed them goodnight the night before? It was traumatising. Hell, it still haunted me!

We held a funeral, but Lexa didn't shed another tear after the morning she found her. She was much quieter, much more closed off, as if numb to the whole situation. Even when I visited her after the funeral, concerned for her well-being, she told me to leave. I didn't want to, but maybe space was what she needed, so I obeyed.

There were no leads on how the box was delivered, nor who delivered it. The guards were still searching, making enquiries, but it seemed futile. Horrifyingly enough, Costia's body was never found, so we could only burn the head. It was disgusting, the emotional warfare Azgeda were playing on Lexa.

Costia had nothing to do with any of this, she'd only been unfortunate enough to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it was something Lexa never forgave herself for.

The girl I'd come to know as easygoing and full of life was gone, completely replaced by this shell of a person. At first, she was isolating herself from everyone, only throwing herself into her duties and responsibilities as Heda. It took a long several months for her to fully grieve Costia, for her to finally open up to me again, but she wasn't the same.

I couldn't recall the last time I'd seen her smile or laugh. It was as if her happiness had died with Costia and I understood why, but I hated seeing her like that.

We were in archery practice one day, the two of us sometimes training together like old times. I was growing tired, looking forward to when it would end so we could do something a little more fun.

"Do you wanna go for a swim after this?" I asked her, the idea coming to me at that moment. "In the lake, like we used to?"

She didn't spare a glance my way as she lined up her next shot. "I have more important matters to attend to, Y/N."

"C'mon, it'll be fun," I said encouragingly as she let the arrow fly through the air, finding the centre of the target with ease. "It's warm out and the lake will be refreshing."

"No," she said simply, going to collect her arrow.

I sighed quietly, watching her with a concerned gaze. Gently, I spoke, "Look, I know it's been hard, but I'm here for you and I think that, maybe, not working as hard might make this–"

"What?" she interrupted harshly, finally looking at me, though with a fiery glare. I jumped at volume of her voice, not expecting it. "Easier? How? How can it be easier when Azgeda are plotting to overthrow me every single day? How will a dip in the lake fix that?!"

I swallowed awkwardly, unsure what to say. It felt stupid now.

"We're not kids anymore," she reminded me with a sneer.

I frowned. "I know. Sorry. I don't mean–"

"You're forgiven," she cut me off, looking away with a clenched jaw. "End of discussion."

I chewed on the inside of my cheek as she returned to her stance before the target, lining up another shot. And just like that, we were back to archery.

—

21 years old...

It was supposed to be a simple rescue mission. In and out of Azgeda's prison camps, rescuing our people and leaving before they'd even notice.

But everything went wrong when they caught us escaping.

Arrows were flying, swords were wielded and, in the midst of chaos, I saw that a few of our own were struck down. We needed to leave, fast.

Those of us who could mounted their horses, prisoners with them, and raced out of there whilst a few stayed back to buy us time. Lexa was one of them, mounting her horse and taking a few of Azgeda's soldiers out on the way. I was close behind, the last of our party to leave, and pushed my horse as fast as I could. Unfortunately for me, before I could even make it out of the snowy lands of Azgeda's territory, a loose arrow caught my horse's front leg and I went flying forward as a result.

The wind was knocked from me as I landed face first in the snow, the cold already seeping through my clothes and my whole body aching from the fall. But I couldn't stay put for long, already hearing someone on my tail.

It took me a lot of effort to push myself off the ground, finding my sword which had luckily not impaled me on the fall. As soon as I turned around, I saw one of the Azgeda prison guards hurtling towards me, his own sword raised as he let out a battle cry. I held my ground, grip tightening on my sword, and immediately blocked his swing as he came at me.

Luckily for me, my sword fighting had much improved over the years, mostly due to Lexa's constant need for training, and it aided me in this fight as I blocked every swing from my opponent. He was large and strong, albeit slow, so at my best opportunity, I parried his swing and used the power of it to go around him, stabbing him through the back.

A sigh of relief escaped my lips as I yanked my sword out, watching him collapse in the snow. My success was short lived however, as I heard barking from behind me and turned around a second too late. A wild dog – one of the ones the Azgeda army trained for battle – raced through the trees and leapt on me, going straight for my leg.

I screamed as its sharp teeth sunk right into my calf, at the orders of its owner who was approaching us but only watching as I struggled. Instinctively, I swung my sword, but the dog was merely inconvenienced, moving back to bark at me before leaping at me again. This time, I was knocked backwards into the snow, dropping my sword. It reattached its teeth to my leg, piercing flesh and bone and oblivious to my weak attempts at kicking it away. I felt like I couldn't breathe, the pain too strong to even acknowledge.

Suddenly, an arrow flew through the air, landing right in the dog's head and killing it instantly. It didn't matter to me though – my leg felt like it was in tatters and I was starting to see spots in my vision. Not even the cold of the snow was a bother to me anymore – I could have been dipped in fire at that moment and known no difference.

"Y/N!" someone shouted after me.

My people had returned, dismounting their horses as they fought off the Azgeda stragglers, including that wretched dog's owner.

Lexa was with them, having come back to my aid. She let her people deal with the remaining Azgeda soldiers, instead coming to my side with a concerned look. Her eyes glanced between me and my leg and, judging from her expression, it wasn't great.

"I need help over here!" she yelled to her solders.

Two members of our party rushed to my side, attempting to carry me, but even the slightest bit of movement had me screeching in agony.

"Be gentle!" Lexa ordered, and they were suddenly less rough. She took my hand, squeezing it gently. "You're gonna be okay. We're going home."

All I could manage was a weak nod, tears burning my eyes.

We must have made it back to Polis, though I couldn't be sure it was without disruption as I passed out not long after they placed me on a horse.

When I awoke, I recognised the healer's room at the Tower, though it felt strange being the one in the bed rather than the healer. I couldn't remember why I was here, still in a daze, and then I heard a sigh of relief and looked to my right to see Lexa standing up, touching my cheek with relief.

It was unusual seeing the tears down her cheeks and her red, puffy eyes staring down at me. She hadn't cried this much since Costia died years ago. Was I hurt that bad?

"What happened?" I asked tiredly, not quite adjusting to the aches and pains in my body.

"I'm sorry, Y/N," she said with a watery voice. "I should've got to you sooner."

Got to me sooner...?

And then it came back to me. Our people. Azgeda. The dog. My leg.

My eyes widened as I put Lexa's words together with what I remembered and then I was quick to try and sit up to see if my leg was okay, but Lexa tried to stop me.

"Y/N, just wait–"

"Let go!" I shouted, shoving her off long enough to finally see what I feared.

My lower left leg was gone. All that remained was a bloody, bandaged stump, ending at my knee. I could barely believe what I was looking at, eyes watering at the sight.

"It was the only way," she said regretfully. "It was badly infected and the bites were too deep. They couldn't save it."

Her words went in one ear and out the other. All I could see was the spot where my leg used to be.

"It's gone," I whispered, voice trembling.

Her hand rested on my shoulder gently. "Y/N..."

I touched my knee and then the spot after it, where my calf should've been. And then I felt something break inside of me and the tears finally fell.

Lexa sat beside me, pulling me into her chest and holding me tightly. "It's okay. You're okay. I'm here."

But it wasn't okay, was it? Nothing was okay.

—

The next few days were some of the hardest I'd endured.

Lexa stayed by my side the whole time, only leaving to bring me food or see the healers looking after me. I couldn't bear to look at her, nor my father, who stopped by regularly too.

Everything was so futile to me. Without my leg, I would never walk the same again. And how would I continue to be a combat medic if I couldn't even stand? How could I work at Lexa's side? I was useless. And I couldn't stand it.

My feelings left me in a pit of depression, my appetite gone and my will to recover completely absent. I couldn't see a future where I'd feel like myself again, and no matter who was there to support me, I refused their help.

I was sulking yet again, staring at the wall and soaking in my own misery since there was nothing else to do. Lexa had left to get me some food and, truthfully, I was glad. Her constant worrying and fretting at my side was doing nothing to help.

The logical part of me was grateful she cared, but the emotional part won over and I seriously hated having her around right now, not when I couldn't think straight about anything other than my missing leg.

My momentary peace was interrupted when Lexa returned, tray of food in hand which she set on the table beside my bed.

"It's time to eat something, Y/N," she said softly, hand resting on my hand, but I snatched it away.

Ignoring her, I continued to stare at the wall ahead, void of feeling.

"Y/N, please, you have to eat," she said, unfazed by my mood.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I purposely looked to the left, away from her, hoping she'd get the hint. Of course, she didn't.

"Don't be like that," she said, a little sterner this time, and it infuriated me because why couldn't I be like that? Who was she to tell me otherwise?

"I can do what I want," I snapped at her with a glare. "I'm not hungry, so just leave me alone already."

Her lips twitched into a slight frown, but she didn't move. "You're not going to get better if you don't eat," she said firmly.

"Get the damn hint and go away! I don't need your help!" I said bitterly.

She swallowed hard, green eyes flickering between mine with an unreadable expression, before leaving the room. I glared a hole into the space where she left, eyes burning with tears, and was overcome by an immediate guilt.

It was easier to push her away now, as much as it hurt to do so. At least this way she wouldn't notice how much of a burden I would become. Cripples had no place working under the Commander, best friend or not. And I wasn't sure I could handle being fazed out by Lexa in time.

Despite how awful the whole situation was, I couldn't bring it in myself to face her. She tried to return after my outburst, but I made sure Nyko refused her entry. I was surprised it worked, considering she was the Commander and could do whatever she wanted. She still found her way back in over the course of the next week, but I continued to ignore her, wanting her to lose interest on her own and stop visiting me.

I should have known trying to get Lexa to do anything was impossible though, as when she showed up once more, ignoring my request through Nyko to leave me alone, she had a whole speech prepared.

"I said I didn't want to see you,"  I mumbled tiredly upon noticing her walk in without warning.

She ignored me and stopped by my bed. "You don't get to request that."

I rolled my eyes, my usual self-deprecating attitude written all over my face. But unlike the past few weeks, she wasn't accepting it anymore.

"What the hell is wrong with you?!" she suddenly shouted, surprising me.

I finally looked to her, surprised to see her shooting me a fiery glare.

"I almost lost you, don't you see that?" she continued, giving me no chance to respond. "I watched you bleed all over the bed as they assessed the damage. Watched as you came to and from consciousness, as they cut off your leg. They thought you were going to die from the blood loss. And now you're okay and what? You're pushing me away?! For what? Pride?!"

I pressed my lips together, tensing my jaw, face hot with shame and self-pity.

"Well, I refuse," she said decisively. "I'm staying and you can't get rid of me. No matter how many times you try to tell Nyko."

Even as I closed my eyes, I could feel tears welling up. Why was she so stubborn?

Her voice cracked as she continued, "They're moving you back to your room tomorrow."

I looked away, unsure what to say, and then she took my hand between hers and I couldn't bring it in myself to pull away. Admittedly, I craved the comfort, though I didn't deserve it. Not after how I'd treated her.

"I'm not leaving your side," she repeated, less angry and more concerned.

It only reminded me why I was acting like this in the first place.

"For now," I said, voice hoarse.

She blinked. "What?"

Narrowing my eyes, I finally looked to her, speaking more clearly. "For now. You'll be here for now and then you'll get busy with Heda responsibilities, and then you'll realise I can't work with you anymore because I can't even walk. And then you'll get busier and busier and realise I'm just a damned burden and then you'll leave. And I won't blame you one bit, but it'll happen."

Her expression softened. "How can you say that?"

Embarrassed, I let go of her hand and wiped away a stray tear, looking away. "Because it's true. We're not kids anymore, remember? You don't owe me a thing."

"You're such a fool."

I scoffed, crossing my arms. How could she say that when she'd spent the last few years an emotionless wreck because of Costia's death, only ever putting her job first?

"No, you are," she disagreed. "You think I'd just push you away like that?"

"Yes," I said simply, looking down at my bed covers. "Love is weakness. Isn't that what you've been saying?"

"I thought that," she admitted, "but it's not. Not with you."

I rolled my eyes.

"I thought I lost you and I didn't," she said gently, considerately. "That's worth something. Because..." She paused, hesitant, then continued, "...because I'm in love with you."

She said it so nonchalantly that I had to truly digest her words, and even then I couldn't believe them.

With disbelief, I glanced at her. "What?"

She was trembling slightly, surprising me, and began to nod. Her eyes were glassy as they met mine. "I am. I can't lose you too."

For a moment, I saw the old Lexa, the one who I'd known most of my life, before Azgeda ruined her, and it broke my heart.

"Lexa...," I started, but didn't know what to say.

"You're not a burden," she told me with certainty. "Those one love never are."

I struggled to find words, heart beating exceptionally fast as she maintained eye contact. She loved me? After all this time, the girl I fell in love with loved me too? What?

"Please don't say I've ruined everything," she whispered, hopeless.

Remembering to move, I quickly shook my head, though my mind was still reeling. "You haven't. You–"

She cut me off with a kiss, pressing her lips to mine eagerly. She kissed me like she'd been waiting to forever, hands curling around my face and nose brushing against mine as she tilted her head to the side. I kissed her back, melting into her with ease and acutely aware of how perfect she felt against me.

I still couldn't catch up to what was happening, not even as she pulled back slightly, breathless and meeting my gaze. She didn't speak, as if waiting for my reaction before she could do anything.

"Are you sure?" was all I could say, stunned.

She nodded slowly.

I licked my lips. "Good. Because I'm in love with you too, Lexa."

Clarke quickly approached your joined tent, hoping you were there. When she only saw Lexa and Madi, her heart sank. Lexa could see the distress on Clarke's face as she neared the tent. What had happened, and where were you?

"Clarke, hodness. What happened?" It was hard for Lexa not to run to her distressed wife, but Lexa had an image to uphold in unfriendly territory. When Clarke was inside the safety of their tent, she couldn't hold back any longer, so she pulled Clarke close to her with the arm that wasn't holding Madi. Clarke couldn't stop her tears when she felt Lexa pull her closer, missing you.

"Lexa, I did something stupid." Clarke sobbed into Lexa's shoulder.

"It's okay, Clarke, I have you. Whatever happened, I'm sure we can talk about it." Lexa tried to reassure her wife. The three of you had had your arguments before, and they were usually resolved quickly.

"no, Lexa! You don't understand. I have never seen (Y/N) look at me like that."

"Clarke, sweetheart. Tell me what happened from the beginning. Cause you aren't making any sense." Lexa said while leading Clarke toward a chair so she could sit. Madi immediately hugged Clarke the moment she sat down.

"hugs, mommy. Mama says hugs make everything better." Madi looked up at Clarke with a toothy smile. Clarke managed to give a tear-filled smile back. You had been right. Had anyone else caused this commotion, Clarke wouldn't have thought twice about your reaction.

After a couple of deep breaths, Clarke got her breathing under control. She hugged Madi tightly. Lexa, who had watched Clarke run through all the emotions, sat beside her wife as Clarke told her story through hiccups and tears. Lexa listened. It wasn't Lexa's place to choose a side. She just wanted everybody to be safe at home again.

Lexa suggested giving you some time. That way, both you and Clarke could calm down. So when you return, both of you can have a calm conversation. If there was one thing Lexa knew for certain, you loved her and Clarke.

Madi, who hadn't understood the conversation her mothers had been having, just sat there. The thing Madi did understand was that her mommy was sad and that her mama was gone. Seeing her mommy so sad made Madi want to do something about it. Maybe if she found you, you could come and give Mommy your hugs. They always made her feel better.

Sneaking outside, Madi immediately went to the three who would help her. Winter, Rain and Wood were close to the tent and got up when they noticed Madi approaching them. For them, Madi was the pack's pup and needed protection.

"We have to find mama. Mommy sad." Madi walked into the woods, surrounded by the three dire wolves. The wolves immediately tried to locate the scent of their master and started to lead Madi in that direction.

You had cooled off a little after your argument with your wife. You weren't able to go back to the tent just yet. So, you sat on a log and reviewed your emotions and thoughts. You Weren't mad at Clarke. Your feelings got the best of you after a hard couple of days. You also knew Clarke was under much stress, and your clashes with Bellamy weren't helping.

Sitting there for a few minutes, you notice someone approaching you. You ready yourself for whatever it is that comes through the clearing.

"Madi?" Hearing your voice, Madi ran toward you and flung herself at you.

"mama! Found you." You looked her over for any injury she could have gotten while walking through the woods. When you didn't see anything, you looked her in the eyes.

"what are you doing here? Do Mommy or nomon know you are here?" you knew the answer already. No way would your wives let Madi walk through the woods alone. Madi, however, seemed to be concerned about other things.

"mama! Mommy, sad. Sorry. Needs you." Madi wiggled herself out of your hold and pulled you toward the camp. When you didn't follow, Madi looked up at you with a pretty impressive glare. Clarke would be so proud.

"mama! Mommy cried." That did break your heart. Lexa nor Clarke cried easily. Meaning she must be feeling pretty big emotions. Sucking up your feelings, you pick Madi up and start walking toward the rest of your family.

When Clarke spotted you walking toward her, she flings herself at you. She was starting to apologize profusely. You let her ramble for a moment while holding her close.

"It's okay, Clarke. We were both at fault. I shouldn't have let my temper get the best of me and should also have considered your feelings. I get more territorial around certain Skaikru." You kissed Clarke on the forehead before kissing her on the lips. You feel her sag against you and hold her closer. Out of the corner of your eyes, you spot Lexa smiling. Reaching out for her, Lexa picks up Madi and joins the embrace.

"I love the three of you so much." You confess. Having this rare moment of vulnerability reserved for your family.

You and Clarke eat dinner before taking a quick bath and turning in for the night. Agreeing that you would be taking a more back-seated role in the negotiations, limiting your contact with the Skaikru. Your best warriors would still shadow Lexa and Clarke. That was the only condition you had.

part 13

Taglist

@trikruismybitch

@fayhar

@scruffyumbreon

@nocturnal-ace

@poison-blackheart

We’re back in Polis after three days of Lexa negotiating trade deals with the small village east of here, and even though she checks on me even more than she already did before, I have never felt as alone as I do right now.

I miss my parents and my brother, and I miss Bellamy. I keep thinking about him during the day, wondering what he’s up to now that I’m gone.

Does he know I’m still alive? Or is the Council keeping my wellbeing under wraps?

What’s he doing right now? Is he on patrol? Is he still part of the Guard?

His absence, just like my family’s, is like a painful hole in my chest that hurts every time I breathe.

A knock on my door makes me flinch in my spot on the floor by the window. I redirect my eyes from the lit-up city below me to the door.

“Yes?”

The door creaks open and in steps Lexa, holding a tray with some food and a cup of water on it.

“You didn’t come to dinner and Gustus told me you haven’t eaten all day, so I thought I’d come and check on you,” she says, setting the tray down on my bed.

I don’t move from my spot at the window, but I keep my eyes on her as she clasps her hands together in front of her.

“Do you check on everyone like this? I mean, you are the commander, so I’m sure you have better things to do than to bring me food.” I pull my legs up to my chest and drape my arms over my knees. I’m grieving for my family and my lost life, and after being forced to spend my day with Titus who’s taken up the responsibility of teaching me their language, I just want to be alone.

The muscle in Lexa’s jaw twitches, but ever since I got better at reading the emotions on her face, or lack thereof I should say, I know that’s she’s not annoyed, or irritated by what I just said. It’s more of a guarded concern underneath her mask of indifference.

“I do have better things to do,” she says carefully, watching me for a reaction, “but I didn’t just come here to bring you food.”

I raise an eyebrow in silent question which makes her take a tentative step toward me. I know that if I was one of her people, this kind of behavior would be unacceptable, but I’m not and she’s not my commander, so I’m not going to treat her like it.

I respect her, that’s for sure, and I’m thankful for her generosity and letting me stay with her, but I won’t bow to her.

“I wanted to know how your first lesson with Titus went today,” she says, keeping her hands clasped in front of her.

I scoff at the memory of the glares Titus sent my way every time I got something wrong and lift a hand to rub at my dry, irritated eyes. “He’s a pain in the ass.” I deadpan. “But other than that it was okay I guess.”

One corner of Lexa’s lips twitch in what I can only interpret as amusement before she goes back to being serious. “That was to be expected since he has yet to grow fond of you, but I’m glad to hear it wasn’t all too bad.”

“Mhmm.” I go back to looking out of the window, expecting Lexa to leave now that I’ve answered her question, but she stays right where she is, her eyes burning a hole into the side of my head. I pull my brother’s necklace from below my shirt and close my hand around my parents rings, hoping Lexa will get the hint that I want to be left alone now.

Much to my dismay, she doesn’t though and takes another step in my direction. “Y/N. . .”

I grind my teeth and look back at her, trying to control my sudden temper. I don’t like lashing out at people especially when they’ve done nothing wrong, but the storm of emotions inside of me is making it difficult to keep myself together.

“What happened the other night. . . back in that village—“

“I’m okay. It’s fine.” I squeeze my eyes shut to get rid of the memory of the darkness closing in on me in the lake. I am anything but okay, but I don’t want to talk about that.

We haven’t spoken about what happened until now, and if it had been up to me, I could have gone the rest of my life without speaking about it, but it seems as though Lexa has different plans.

“Yeah, no, I mean, I know you are okay, but I—“

“But what?” I interrupted her again, my head snapping around to look at her. “But what, hmm? I almost drowned because of your goons, but I didn’t. I’m here now, aren’t I? So can we please not talk about it.”

To my surprise Lexa flinches ever so slightly, but she doesn’t take a step back. Instead, she takes a deep breath and rests one of her hands on the hilt of her sword. It’s a habit of hers I’ve noticed she does every time she needs to ground herself.

She’s still dressed in her armor of the day, but now, in the low light and with just the two of us in the room, she looks more timid and vulnerable than I have ever seen her.

At the moment, standing in front of me isn’t Lexa, the fierce commander who leads her army into battles. No, right now she’s just Lexa, and the last time I saw her like this was when Gustus pulled me out of the lake three days ago.

“Okay, we won’t talk about it,” she says softly, “but to make sure nothing like this ever happens again, I’d like you to learn how to defend yourself.”

“I know how to defend myself,” I argued weakly. It’s true, I know how to do it, I was one of the best at sparring when I was training to become a Guard on the Ark, but three days ago my instincts just didn’t kick in the way they used to.

It could have been because of how shaken up I was after the nightmare, but deep down I know that that’s not the case. After every thing that’s happened, I just didn’t have it in me to actually fight them.

I had- I have nothing left to lose and when I realized that, I just stopped. . .

“Well, obviously not well enough,” Lexa snaps and the harshness of her words surprises me.

I can’t help but scowl and get to my feet. “I don’t need you to lecture me. I can defend myself just fine.”

“Oh yeah?” She raises a challenging eyebrow and steps up to me so we’re less than a foot apart.

I lift my chin in defiance and cross my arms, ignoring the way our proximity makes my heart skip a beat.

Lexa holds my glare for a moment before lunging at me without warning.

I’m quick to react and step out of her way, avoiding her blow and making her stumble past me. It surprises us both, Lexa more so than myself though which makes her come at me once again. This time, however she’s more aggressive, adamant to prove her point.

She places one of her feet behind my own before slinging her arm across my chest from behind. She pulls, trying to get me to trip over her foot, but I twist out of her hold. A painful tug around my throat makes me wince and once I’ve put enough distance between us, I raise my hand to touch my neck.

My stomach drops at the absence of my brother’s necklace and my eyes dart around the floor, trying to spot it.

It’s nowhere to be found though, so I look at Lexa who’s already looking at me with guilt written all over her face.

“Y/N. . . I’m sorry,” she whispers, her eyes dropping to her hands.

My gaze follows hers and when I spot my brother’s necklace in her grasp my throat closes up.

I wordlessly take it from her and inspect it, figuring it must have gotten caught on her sleeve when she tried to trip me.

My parent’s rings are still attached to it, but the clasp is broken and I know there’s no way I’m ever going to get it fixed down here.

These grounders don’t even have electricity, so how are they going to fix a miniature clasp on a delicate silver necklace.

I close my fist around it and squeeze my eyes shut, willing the tears that are dying to escape away.

“Y/N—“

“Leave.” My voice is hoarse and my whole body is shaking with the effort it takes not to snap completely.

“I could go and see if I can get it fixed. It was an accident, I swear I wasn’t trying to—“

My eyes fly open and I level Lexa with a glare so fierce it makes her shrink in on herself. “I said leave! Leave me alone. . .” A hot tear drips down my cheek and I wipe at it aggressively.

Lexa takes a deep breath and opens her mouth as if she’s about to say something else, but then she thinks better of if and close her mouth again. Her green eyes, filled with remorse and guilt stay on me a moment longer before she finally dips her head and leaves.

As soon as the door closes behind her, I let out the sob that’s been clawing at my throat and sink to the floor with the necklace clutched in my hands.

I didn’t think things down here could get any worse, but it seems as though life enjoys throwing curveballs my way.

“I’m sorry!” I panic and drop to my knees to help the guy I just ran into pick up his paintbrushes. “I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

Gustus chuckles next to me (it’s a sound I rarely hear) and tells any onlookers to continue walking. The two of us have gotten quite comfortable around each other over the last two weeks and when I asked him if he’d take me to the market this morning, he agreed with a grunt and a tiny smile.

I haven’t seen Lexa since she came to my room a week ago, and I can’t say I mind it. At least this way she’s staying out of my business. However, I can’t deny that my stomach flips every time she’s mentioned.

“It’s okay,” the guy laughs softly and take the brushes from my hands when we stand back up. “No one got hurt.”

Surprised at the lack of hostility in his voice, I stare at him with a half-smile. “R-Right. Yeah. . . You speak English?”

He nods and smiles as well. His brown skin glows in the light of the late-afternoon sun and his dark eyes twinkled mischievously. “I do. I used to be part of the Commander’s army.”

“Ah.” I shift on my feet awkwardly and ignore the way Gustus watches the whole interaction with an amused expression. “Cool, cool, cool. . .”

The guy raises an eyebrow with a smirk playing on his lips and before I can make things even more awkward, he gathers all his paintbrushes in on hand, extending the other with an encouraging nod. “I’m Milo by the way.”

I shake his hand, surprised he know this way of greeting (I’ve noticed the Grounders solely use forearm handshakes) and smile a genuine smile. “Nice to meet you, Milo. I’m Y/N.”

Milo beams and lets go of my hand again. “I know. I don’t think there’s anyone here who doesn’t know you. You’re quite infamous.”

I chuckle nervously and try to quickly think of a way to change the subject. “So—Uh, are you a painter?”

Milo glances at the paintbrushes in his hand and shrugs easily. “Kind of. I’m a potter and I like to paint some of my stuff.”

My eyes light up and for the first time since landing on this godforsaken planet I feel a spark of excitement in the pit of my stomach. I came to the conclusion that life down here was all about survival, but it seems as though artistry hasn’t gone extinct after all.

“Would you like to see?” he asks and before I know it I’m agreeing with a vigorous nod. “Alright then. Your friend can come along as well.”

Gustus grunts at that, but doesn’t object when I look at him pleadingly which makes Milo smile.

He jerks a thumb over his shoulder and beckons us to follow him. “It’s not far from here, I promise.”

_______________________________________________

*not proofread yet

Lexa never really let you do anything by yourself. You were always accompanied by either her or one of her personal guards. Even just walking to your room was a problem. You could not go anywhere without one of them but most of the time you did not care. For some reason it brought you comfort to know that she cared about you so much and you know part of her worries came from her finding costias head.

Although this protectiveness soon turned into possesivness. She would constantly leave hickeys all over you and eventually suggested you getting a tattoo of her name. When in meetings you were to sit on her lap as she held you tightly against her and glared at anyone that looked at you the wrong way. 

Hanging out with your friends would turn into her claiming you all night because she believed Octavia had a thing for you (you didn’t dare mention that you two used to be a thing when you first came to the ground). 

She even threatened to cut off a merchants hand while he was tying a bracelet around your wrist. You had to physically drag her away as she muttered under her breath about how only she was allowed to touch you and that he was holding you a little to tight.

While she could be a little over the top sometimes you enjoyed the softer moments where she would protect you or hold you after a long day.

In one of the clans meeting once a guy from Floukru had said something you didn’t quite understand but you knew it was bad when Lexa motioned for you to stand up. Doing so you stood beside her chair as she walked up to the poor guy. She said some words in Trigedasland and although you couldn’t understand Clarke later explained that Lexa had threatened everyone. 

Or the time were one of the grounders had attempted to flirt with you and kept going despite your numerous attempts at denying him. Lexa had showed up right as he backed you into a corner and quickly interfered. You laid in her arms that night sobbing as she rocked you gently while whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

Lexa also liked to gift you numerous items whether it be a new sketch book, jewerly, candles (you had so many candles), pens, ink, anything you asked for she would get it. You also had a enormous wardrobe as she liked to buy you lots of silk and lace. She also had created your war paint which resembled hers but slightly different. She did that and your hair every morning and you would return the favor. At night she would remove it all and wash you in the bath gently as she left small kisses on your shoulders and tell you how much she loved you.